When do you (or plan to) have the wedding budget talk with your Son/Daughter?

Parent Cafe
41

@jym626, About the “bait” referred to in your post #22, the related thread was:

http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1809702-helicopter-parents-make-difference-in-paying-for-the-party-p4.html

Toward the end, DrGoogle suggested someone start yet-another-thread for weddings – after CCers romani, Youdon’Tsai, and maybe several others posted that that thread should not be about weddings.

Thanks to DrGoogle for clarifying.

Parents of this age are naturally interested in anything related to weddings - especially the pleasant side (but occasionally the unpleasant side also.)

After all, many of us have offsprings about that age. It is like when the child is a high schooler, the parents may be interested in college application, scholarship/financial aid, and COA (who paid for it.)

This thread is about COW (cost of weddings and who paid for it) or COM (cost of marriage.) In some culture, COM is very different than COW. The latter, COW, is on people’s mind in US. But the former, COM, could be in people’s mind also in other countries. My guess is that if one family contributes, say, X to the COM, and the other contributes, say, 2X or even 5X, but their “expectations” are different, it could cause troubles – it could be perceived by the other family and their circle of friends as: their loved one is not “valued” by the other family – by implication, likely their SO does not “value” her (mostly female) also. Some even interpret it as: "Why does this family (not only the groom/bride) want to be “associated” with a family “not in their SES”?!

I personally do not like the thing like “marriage is not only about the union of the couple, but also about the union of two families.” But who knows to what degree the family on the other side and their circle of friends have been americanized and therefore accept the norm here.

The S of one of my coworkers had a marriage a couple of years ago. They even had the issue about “which family owes more student loans”, and later, “which family contributes more when the couple are buying the house”, not only just about which families shares more of the wedding cost which is much less of the issue.

I think the root issue could be that the financial cord is cut more completely for Americans (as it should be) as compared to people in other countries, after college. This may not be true in some societies where the family is their society’s “social security”.

At my work, at least 3 of the young coworkers (all males) told me that they fully expect that their parents will move in and live with them FOR LIFE and they do not think twice about a different living arrangement after their marriage. Mind you, one of them is the third generation Americans (in California though which could be different from most other areas in US.) When I jokingly asked him where he could find a woman who will be happily accept this living arrangement nowadays, his reply: “This is the way it is and I can not change that. If I can not find such a woman, so be it.” Another “young man” in his mid-30s, not married yet, still lives with his parents. It is likely he could never afford his own house in this area.

42

We have always tried to be fair, balanced and equal with our kids. When we added up what we gave/spent/contributed to for DS#1’s wedding (this includes the value of a family stone he used for the engagement ring and a large engagement party we hosted in our home town) and it came to a LOT of money. The biggest chunk was the wedding gift $, as we found out what her parents were giving and even though there was no reason, we chose to give the same. If/when S#2 gets engaged (likely will be to whom he has been dating for a long time, but who knows), I suspect they will want a very different, probably smaller wedding. We will offer to host a reception here, but will also offer to simply give them the $ that we spent on older s’s wedding and let them choose. If they have a traditional wedding we would want to do what we did this first time (host the rehearsal dinner, pay for the flowers and a few other things) but since its hot even on the horizon, its a non-issue. I just need to make a mental note of how much we spent with #1 (it is burned in my head) and cross that bridge when we come to it.

eta: I have been referring to the downstairs living room/bedroom/bath of DS#1s house as the “in-law suite”. He doesn’t find that very amusing.

43

@mcat2

Unless my memory is failing me, this isn’t the first thread you have started relating to costs of weddings…and especially as it relates to your not yet engaged son.

Weddings can range from free events to events that cost very well over $100,000…or more.

Are you looking for an average amount folks will spend…because really…what’s the point in that? I’m with Oldfort…my two kids will get the same contribution towards their weddings…because that is MY budget. But really, I don’t give two hoots how much anyone else is spending to fund their kid’s wedding. I just don’t care.

In addition to folks having vastly different financial situations, different parts of the country are less expensive…or more expensive than other parts. We know folks who went to a wedding in Newport that was well over $100,000. We know folks who had a wedding near here that cost less than $5000. Same number of guests.

We plan to discuss wedding finances when it comes time to actually set a date and plan a wedding. To be honest, I don’t know what our circumstances will be as that will likely be a couple of years from now. No point in discussing this now.

44

Post #40, the move into the family and live for the rest of their life might not work well for some. I have a coworker who married into this type of family and the marriage ended at divorce. According to her, they love each other and cried when they splitted up.
The parents of the groom made certain assumptions and paid for the house too.

45

@DrGoogle, re:post #43. I think it will not work also for most couples.

If a couple will have such a issue (the financial ties and “living arrangement tie” could still persist after marriage), I agree their marriage could be at risk.

My wife once said that there is really no free money – this applies to the money from parents too (even though to a much less extent.) I read from some blog that there is such a thing called “parents tax”, which you will have to pay for life.

Some of my coworkers (Indians) said everything his parents have is his, and everything he has is also his parents’. This will be the case after his marriage. He firmly believes this will be the case. (What is worse is that he thinks his own opinion does not count, and his parents’ opinion always count – at least much more than his opinion. He is almost 30 yo and not married yet.)

Now I think this thread is more about the financial matters and all other relation issues between the young, newly formed family, and their respectively parents, which happen to begin from the wedding. It is not about the one-time-only wedding event – the (financial and emotional) cost of which is a small one.

46

Re: “The parents of the groom made certain assumptions and paid for the house too.”

This could result in a big issue in certain circumstances.

47

Mcat2.

I don’t agree with you. If I throw a $200,000 wedding, this does not mean I plan to support the inlaws. It also doesn’t mean the wedding couple will financially support any of the parents.

48

Sometims, the issue is that the parents on one side think they give the money to their child and his/her significant other, who turn around and use this money to support the other family financially. This could cause some issue for most families.

No matter how we spin it, it is usually the case that the parents do not care so much about the money being spent on their child and/or his/her spouse, as long as it is not mostly spent for the benefits of his/her spouse instead of their own child. (Spending grandparent’s money on grandkids is OK.) Every other use (or just perceived, not a real use) of parents’ money could be a red flag.

49

Honestly, if you give money to your adult children, you should consider it a gift and (provided they’re not using it for something harmful/illegal) let them do with it what they please. I despise the idea that money should come with strings attached unless you’re choosing to give money for a specific thing, and even then it should just be used to pay a specific bill (ie tuition).

I can’t even imagine how our parents would know where they money they gave us went unless it was earmarked as “wedding” and wedding only (which is stupid to begin with) and you have a courthouse wedding and suddenly the other set of parents has a new Escalade (which is clearly out of their budget).

Maybe I’m lucky. For all of my in-laws’ faults, they’ve never, ever questioned how we use their money (Mr. R got kind of screwed over in college because his brothers’ colleges were paid for and he had to take out loans due to the market crash. MIL has been making up for it by kicking us money whenever they have extra and we’re truly grateful). And yes, either directly or indirectly, some of it has gone to my parents. They know full well that when they give us money, it is going to be spent primarily for “my” benefit (which is really our benefit since, you know, we’re married) because he needs very little and I take up the bulk of our funds for books, research, etc.

I truly think you look for problems where they don’t exist. There will be enough tensions when your son decides to marry… there is no need to construct extremely improbable ones.

50

Too late for the wedding budget talk- wedding is 6 weeks away and went over budget a long time ago. At this point we are just going to enjoy :slight_smile:

51

I think it is unacceptable to expect parents to pay for a wedding, for either gender child.

If people want to get married, they should have a ceremony they can afford.

If parents want to help, that is totally different, especially if they have a dream of their child’s wedding being perfect.

A friend of mine got her parents to contribute 10K to her wedding, only if she would let her mom pick the venue and have final say on the dinner and cocktails plan. Fast forward to the week of the wedding, and mom says that her and dad decided they’d rather take a cruise than not, so they only would give 5K. One of a string of disappointments by the parents, but goes to show you that it is better to be open-eyed about your parents’ contributions to wedding costs.

I for one would give my children a decent wedding present (I wouldn’t tell them how much in advance), but I would also advise them to go small for their wedding and spend money on a house instead. I would not explicitly “pay for their wedding”. I find it disgusting that anybody short of millionaires would entertain the idea of a 50K let alone 100K or 200K wedding. There are a zillion creative ways that a nice, even elegant wedding can be pulled off with much less money:

  • limit guests to your actual friends and close family that you see regularly
  • pick a venue that is reasonable
  • consider unconventional times or food choices
  • rent a wedding dress
  • rent a tuxedo
  • destination wedding, honeymoon same location

And I find it ironic that someone would spend 200K on a single event, but be upset with the idea that they might “support the inlaws”, assuming the inlaws needed financial support. I’d support people before I would support an event.

If my in-laws threw us a 200K wedding, uh YEAH I’d expect them to throw some of it our way. We have the opposite situation, and although my father has certainly not given my in-laws money directly, I have had frank talks with him that my spouse and I do give them some money/higher ticket items (1K or so) on occasion because they are poor. And he has loaned us money in the past, so technically he is supporting my in-laws.

Instead of having a wedding, we were able to put down a down payment on a house just over two years after we married. The house increased in value 60%; and now, we have home equity to pay for my son’s college. Again, if you are a millionaire, go for it. But if you aren’t, think about what you are sacrificing if you want to “make your life easier” and go for the high-priced venue and a zillion guests.

52

Romani, I fully agree with your post. Thanks. (Esp: I despise the idea that money should come with strings attached unless you’re choosing to give money for a specific thing.)

53

I should clarify that we always planned on paying for the wedding. And we can afford it.

54

I think this side discussion, that you bring up frequently mcat, about generational differences and expectations about parents living with the kids, financial strings, etc is a cultural thing. Many of us cannot relate.

55

Mcat, the groom was Indian, the wife is not and was shocked when she found out. But she married him anyway against her friend’s advice.

56

Post #53, I think some culture male side has to pay. I think mcat may have come from that type of culture and he is slightly conflicted.

57

If I kinda figure people can choose what they want for a wedding, as long as they can afford it and it doesn’t affect their lifestyle. Only in this way is it remotely like spending for college. Choices, and budgets. I’ve been to some very basic wedding and some very extravagant weddings. Its their wedding- their choice. That’s how I felt about my s’s wedding too. Motto for the MOG: smile and wear beige.

58

Post #50, if you are billionaire, $200k is nothing. But I be heard of wedding in the $100k because the husband is a doctor and they met in college when he was a student. The bride came from a poor family and want a dream wedding. But they paid for it since they were a little older. I do t see a problem with how they spend their money.

59

But what if the parents are in the mood to plan a great party – say, as a creative project – but wouldn’t otherwise hand the kid cash? I think that is fine. The kid can choose to accept the party or not.

I mentioned on another thread a while ago that I planned and paid for my sister’s wedding 10 years ago precisely because I was in the mood for a creative project. She didn’t really think of it as a gift, because she didn’t really care. It was more that she allowed me to use the excuse of her wedding throw a fantastic party. It would have been odd and inappropriate in the extreme if she had said, “Give me the money instead” or if my other sister had said, “Give me an equal amount of money.” I really didn’t consider it a gift to my sister.

60

If in some cultures the male’s side pays for much/all of the wedding, wouldn’t that be part of their financial planning form the day the son is born?