OK, I’ll take the bait, and ask you this very likely “unpopular” question. (a question you may not want to discuss with your loved ones, your neighbors, your friends or your relatives.)
It is often advised here that parents have a “money talk” about college financing well before the college application time, to avoid potential surprise/disappointment at the last minute.
Do you think you would like to do the same for your offspring’s wedding cost (the amount that you would contribute) well ahead of the time?
Also, suppose that one year of tuitions and fees for a typical private college is X (full pay.) Do you think you will likely be capable and/or willing to contribute X or at least 0.5 times X?
Thanks in advance if you could share your experience and/or thought (or just your tentative plan if your child is still too young.)
I don’t really see the need to discuss it ahead of time. I figure that my kid is going to get married because they are in love and want to commit regardless of the size and cost of the wedding, not because of the wedding.
Our kids share our spending preferences. We’re not ones to do things to impress, but great food, drink, and music are must haves. It’s hard to know what to expect in terms of costs and type of wedding without knowing who they are going to marry and that person’s family size, at what point in their lives, etc. I also think there are a lot of ways to have a fun, memorable wedding using some DIY to minimize costs.
I am also loathe to bring it up because, although I’d love to be a grandparent someday, I don’t feel marriage is an absolute necessity in this day and age so I don’t want to put that kind of pressure on my kids. If it happens, it happens.
Mine are on the young side, so maybe I’ll feel differently as time goes on, but these are my current thoughts.
I heard of two extreme cases (their family financial resources are likely comparable.)
An extremely generous one: They (parents) contributed $50K to the wedding cost. Granted, the location is Manhattan. It definitely costs more there. The offspring was just graduated from a T14 (actually the top one or two in Manhattan?) law school (they helped pay relatively little for their offspring’s law school education expenses but they paid for all UG expenses) before the marriage. So the offspring had zero money at that time.
A relatively “stingy” one. They only contributed just a couple of thousands (say, two thousands) at most. To be sure, in this case, their offspring had been working in the industry for more than 5 years. But still, they (the parents) have had more financial resources than their child.
For both cases, they do not do anything else (except for their financial contribution) for their offspring’s wedding (both live several states away.) They just flied in and attended the wedding ceremony and rehearsal the day before. Their offsprings arrange everything. No other relatives/friends in their home town flied in.
Also, both were relatively new immigrants (but not that new: having been living in this country for at least 25 years.) Their household income might (likely) be between 120K to 160K for the past 10 years.
I think any analogy to costs of education is false and misguided. A college education is an investment in the future – specifically and ideally, an investment in the development of an educated, cultured mind.
A wedding is a celebration of a union but does not affect the future quality of the union (except perhaps in the most extreme circumstances). A marriage is an opportunity for a lovely party, but there really is no deprivation if a particular style of wedding is beyond the means or desires of the putative financiers.
To answer your question directly, I’d say the right time to talk about wedding budgets would be when the wedding is actively being planned. At that time, it would be appropriate to say, for example: (1) We’d love to contribute to the wedding and can contribute up to $$xx; (2) Can’t wait for the wedding! Unfortunately, we are not in a position to contribute; (3) We’re willing to throw a total blow out party, so long as you let me plan it; otherwise, you are on your own; (4) We don’t really have any money for weddings, but I’ve always wanted to buy thick engraved stationery from xxx ( or a fancy cake from xyz baker, or flowers from the local floral artiste or photographs from some revered art photographer, etc.). If you want those elements in your wedding, I’m willing to make an ill-advised splurge but otherwise I’m not in a position to contribute; (5) We’re as rich as sin and you are level-headed. Plan your ideal wedding and we will pay the bills, no matter what they will turn out to be. Etc. etc. etc.
I’m assuming that many people here think that responses 1 and 2 are the only acceptable alternatives, but I think the whole enterprise of funding a wedding is so completely optional and devoid of moral imperatives that offering money with strings attached is just fine (so long as the strings concern only the party and not the way the couple will live their lives). The only caveat is that the couple should be permitted to decline the gift-with-strings without any direct or indirect repercussions. Again, I assume most people disagree!
As to your son in particular: I predict he will elope.
Does Miss Manners still say that the bride’s family is supposed to pay for the wedding and the groom’s family for the rehearsal dinner? That seems so ancient. I’m sure it varies by culture, but I suppose it’s left over from the idea of a dowry, or paying the grooms family to take on an extra mouth to feed.
My husband and I don’t have a recent history of lavish weddings in our family. DH and I got married outdoors for less than $5000, not counting the backpacking trip for a honeymoon. (We’ve had anniversary parties that cost more than the wedding.) I was working, but my husband was still working on his PhD. I suspect my parents might have offered to kick something in if we’d have considered getting married in a church, but that wasn’t a thing we were willing to consider. So, we didn’t ask for money, and they didn’t offer. But, they didn’t offer to pay for my college either, so perhaps there is some correlation.
So, the concept of a $50K wedding is totally foreign to us.
Why don’t you just set aside whatever YOU would be comfortable paying that and gift that to them when/if it comes up? Screw what everyone else thinks.
Personally, both spouse and I come from low/lower income families and we anticipated 0 from both sets of parents. Whatever they gave us was a happy surprise.
Additionally, I have more than a few friends whose parents gave them money and then demanded control over details. It strained the whole thing and they admitted they would’ve rather just eloped.
But really, mcat, you really should stop thinking about this. No one should worry this much about their child’s future marriage or how future in-laws will perceive them. It’s just not healthy.
"I have a son and a daughter soon to be married. But I do not intend to show off by spending a lot of money on their wedding. Neither do I plan to send yedan to my in-laws which, I believe, is totally unnecessary. But my in-laws would never understand it and thus treat my children – especially my daughter – badly. Then my children would blame me for their misery.
These days, I often wake in the middle of the night, sweating in all sorts of nightmares. Despite these unfathomable fears, however, I cannot go against my wish and philosophy. So forgive me, my children, and so help me, God! "
I do not think the bride side should pay more for the wedding.
I do not think a wedding should cost as high as $50K.
Actually, I believe the parents who gave their D $50K (in the example above) did not think their D and SIL would spend all the money. (they might use a portion of it to pay down their student loans.) It was more like an inheritance they passed onto their daughter in advance, in my guess.
BTW, what was amazing in this case is that the parents were soon partly forced (or lured as the “deal” would become worse and worse) to retire prematurely (he actually expected this several years before that forced retirement event) at the age of only 57 or 58 by a big bad fortune 100 company – he (with a PhD degree in the STEM field), relocated to the west coast, took a retail job, selling something totally unrelated to his expertise (just as an employee.)
I don’t know how you can have a conversation about a wedding before you know who the child is marrying, when and where. Most people have the ‘college finance’ conversation with 16 or 17 year olds, but not all children get married at the same time point in their lives, not all families have the same number of relatives to invite, not all have the same ‘dream’ of a church wedding or destination wedding or black tie reception.
Many families really want to have a big do, others want it smaller, more religious, more traditional. My parents had a small wedding in a church with a reception in the back yard. My sister had a similar affair, probably better food, there was beer, wine, and champagne. My niece just had her wedding in a state park they rented a shelter in for the weekend, and it was fun but probably didn’t cost more than $3000 and included a catered dinner.
Haven’t been to a wedding in a very long time, and the last one was not lavish. Of the few lavish weddings that I have been to in my lifetime, 100 percent of those couples are divorced. Of the cheap, simple weddings that I have attended, most are still married. My sample sizes, I admit, are small. Makes me a bit nervous to consider offering anything lavish given those odds.
I can speak to this as I am in the midst of it. I have two daughters in their 20s. Both recently got engaged, just a few months apart from one another. Both will be married next year, two months apart from one another most likely. I see no reason to have a discussion about monetary contribution to a wedding until one’s child is engaged.
Neither of my kids asked for any money, nor expected it. However, I had always wanted to pay for their weddings in full when that day came one day. A little while after they were engaged, I did talk to each one separately about this, telling them my original goals and intentions. I truly can’t afford to give them the moon or even much. However, it is very important to me that I help them significantly with the funding of their weddings, even though I can’t pay for the entire thing. Neither desire lavish weddings as it is not their style. Still weddings are expensive even if not lavish or big. One is getting married in Manhattan and one in Boston. I talked with younger daughter and her fiancé two months after they got engaged (theirs will end up being a 17 month engagement). At the time, I didn’t know my other daughter was about to become engaged! Also, I am still paying off both girls’ college educations (and the older one’s graduate school education). I offered D2 and her fiancé a significant amount of money as a contribution to their wedding which I knew would not cover all the costs of it. They were hesitant to take that much, but I insisted I wanted to help them and would pay for all of it if I could, but can’t. They told me that the groom’s parents also offered them a nice chunk of money toward the wedding too (he is the last of their children to get married and they gave the same to all sons and daughters for their weddings…actually more to him to account for inflation!). I feel they can budget for a wedding combining my contributions with the groom’s parents contributions and get a very nice wedding that they want, and if they want or can, can add to it themselves (plus pay for the honeymoon). They are doing all the planning themselves (both live in NYC) but are sharing with me along the way.
Then, my older daughter got engaged right after I spoke to younger D about contributing to her wedding! So, of course I want to do the same for her, even though I never dreamt both would be getting married at the same time! She has been living in Europe this past year and is moving to my city today in fact! I was going to sit down with her and her fiancé and have the same talk when she got here (she was engaged less than two months ago with a likely wedding next July), but I learned they are at the early planning stages already, so I had a Skype with her with the same conversation I had with younger D (but this one’s fiancé has already moved here across the pond to start a PhD program and I could only talk with my D alone). I made the same offer. Again, this D didn’t expect it or ask for it and knows it will be a financial challenge for me. But I want to do it and she was very appreciative. She told her fiancé. Since her fiancé moved here a month ago, I then shared my intentions with the fiancé after having had the discussion with my daughter. Her fiancé was also very grateful. I am feeling doubtful whether any financial contribution will come from fiancé’s side, and I haven’t heard anything of that sort (not related to financial status). Lavishness is not this daughter’s style either.
By the way, I don’t see the analogy of spending on the wedding what a year of college costs. They just are not related. Also a year of college these days is over $50,000 at most private schools. A wedding doesn’t have to cost that much to have a very lovely wedding. My kids were gifted their entire educations (one also went to four years of graduate school). I would pay for their entire wedding if I could. My financial situation makes doing both these things difficult. But I am contributing a significant chunk to pay for their weddings (while still paying off their educations) and I think my kids are able to budget and will have really nice weddings. Even if I were rich, my kids would not want to drop $50,000+ on their weddings, I don’t think. It’s just one day. A year of college is worth $50,000 to us (though my kids got financial aid and scholarships and fellowships).
I think there are significant cultural issues at play here. There is a lot of pressure in some cultures to spend a lot on marriages. However, for most people in the US, that is not really a significant factor. US brides may want to spend lavishly, but their families will not be humiliated or dishonored if they decide to do something simple and inexpensive.
I expect both of my kids to get married within the next 5 year. We will probably give them both (one boy/one girl) the same amount and let them do what they want with it. If they choose to go to the courthouse and get hitched and save the $$ for a downpayment on a house, or a great honeymoon - fine. We’ve already told them that we (mom and dad) will not want to invite anyone except close family and one or two friends. Their wedding is for them and their friends - not for me.
On a side note, I think the whole business of the bride’s family paying for the wedding is old-fashioned and sexist. I think that the couple themselves should pay for most of the wedding, with families contributing as they are able and choose to do. Anyway, my son is gay so no bride to foot the bill! He will be able to plan whatever he and his fiance like, with no silly traditions to follow.
Everything about weddings is changing. The original concept of the young bride being married from her family church, then the proud papa inviting the attendees to receive the newly married couple no longer applies, so it only makes sense for the financial arrangements to slowly change as well. However, as several have pointed out, you have to be sensitive to family custom. If the in-laws have strong cultural expectations, you’re walking a tightrope if you deviate too much, so everyone’s feelings need to be addressed (not bowed down to necessarily, but addressed).
I agree with previous posters who said that the financials should be discussed with your child only after they get engaged.
Congratulations to all the moms and dads with engaged kids! Our son got married last year and it was a wonderful experience. We’ve got our fingers crossed that our D will get engaged soon. (Hope hope hope)
Brace yourself fella. There are weddings that cost north of $100,000. We have been to a number that cost in excess of $50,000 (in the northeast, if you are having 200 people for a wedding at a wedding venue it WILL cost that much).
But this is not like college,where you are applying and might get scholarships or something.
One of my kids is engaged. She is not at the wedding planning stage at all yet. But she also knows that, when the time comes, if she wants our monetary help, we will need to be part of her planning process.
In the meantime, we are squirreling money away and hope to have a sufficient amount to offer her. We won’t have a discussion about the costs…at all…until the event planning starts to be discussed.
Editing to add…we have a son and daughter…and if both get married, we will contribute equal amounts to each couple. They can use it for a wedding…or they can use it for a different purchase.
We are just starting on this journey. Our youngest dd got engaged this summer and is planning a 2017 wedding. She and fiancé thought that they would pay for the whole thing and they started planning that way. Now, at the moment, neither are employed as they just moved back to the US. DD’s ideas were pot luck, her sister making the cake, me doing the flowers and so on. I gently told her that we had always plan to pay for her wedding. She was completely surprised and very happy. We told them the amount we would give and she is trying very hard to be under that amount. We haven’t asked the groom’s side for anything. They are still raising two daughters. Wedding venue has been booked. It is in the mid price range. It was more expensive than venue 2 but it includes decorating and a planner but things that I really need. I am decorating challenged! DD plans to get a dress off of ebay and they will do their own music (Ipod at the reception). We are all very excited!
I am sure I posted this elsewhere on this forum.
H and I paid for our own wedding and we always told our kids that we paid for ours, they will pay for theirs.
(School was a different story - though we paid for that for ourselves, too, due to our parents’ circumstances. We paid for the bulk of their undergrad).
When the first 2 got married in 2013 and 2014 (S then D), the couples each planned their event and received my gift check on the wedding weekend. The gift was not meant to be a contribution for the event.
I did pay for a modest rehearsal dinner for my S and spent the same on a local celebration for D/SIL 3 months after their ‘moms only’ courthouse ceremony on the opposite coast.
Third child will get the same.
I will also offer a modest sum when home purchase is imminent.