My D2 is engaged and planning a 2017 (likely) wedding. She is pretty young but sure of her choice. She’s asked us about budget but H and I haven’t given her a hard number yet since I feel so ignorant of how much things cost. I told her to do some preliminary research and find out about a more or less typical range of fees.
I feel like I did when first looking at college costs or looking for acceptable used cars and finding that the financial reality was very different from my initial assumptions!
Anyway, she lives in NY now and it looks like the wedding may be there. If that gets really expensive it will have to limit the number of guests but that’s OK. I don’t enjoy big (200 people) weddings. 100 or less is best IMO. We’ll see!
I plan to offer each D $15,000 for their wedding. They can ask their dad (my ex) for a contribution if they want to. In D1’s case, all but the proposal is complete (they have been dating for 6 years and are clearly mated for life ). His parents are quite well off (better than I am), and very generous, so my guess is that they will offer $. D2 is so introverted that I suspect I will be lucky to be invited, let alone adding tons of other people! So that might be plenty for here. They can keep what they don’t spend. The couple themselves can pitch in if they want something more extravagant.
I felt MUCH more obligated (and happy to) cover most of their undergraduate costs than I feel about paying for their weddings. The wedding is one day, quickly gone, and does not make or break the quality of the marriage.
Take the bait? That would be a person who responds to a loaded question- not the person who poses it.
You’ve brought this topic up many times, mcat. If they aren’t engaged yet and are still just dating, it would be a bad idea to tough this subject. No need to obsess about it. And as father of the groom, even with a different culture, you and the couple are in the US and can follow “local custom” as it were. Or just cap what you will contribute if and when the time comes. Not a good idea to obsess about what is currently a non issue. Lots of unneeded stress.
Who pays for a wedding can be a minefield. Is the money a gift for the young people to spend as they please or is it ‘buying’ a seat at the planning table?
My BIL and his fiancee were both 30+ when they got married, and both sets of parents contributed financially which both interpreted as buying the decision making power. The wrangling between families over venue, formality, food, and photographs was constant and bitter. Even after the wedding, everything was a battle between the families. The marriage didn’t last very long; I think the constant bickering drove a wedge between the couple and they never recovered from it.
I would rather gift each of my children the same amount of money to use however they wish. In my opinion, a wedding is like college in that the life after (not the event itself) is the dream, so I don’t believe in a “dream” wedding any more than I do a “dream” college. But if my children wanted to spend the money on creating a vision more expensive than mine, I’d support that decision. I think the only opinion I would offer is to discourage taking on debt to pay for it. If you have to borrow to cover the expenses, you can’t afford it.
@Onward, your daughter’s wedding sounds like it will be lovely. She may want to check consignment shops and Goodwill/Salvation Army for dresses. I found my dress (an antique lace wedding dress) at a consignment shop. I’ve seen some in antique shops as well. Best wishes to your daughter and her fiance.
We have had this talk with our daughters for years and the answer is that we would sell body parts to finance their educations but they are on their own for the weddings. We have a last child who is ten years you get than the first. The oldest is engaged and will be getting married next summer, and the baby is a high school senior (no!!!) who will be going to college six weeks later. When she got engaged, I decided that I would like to pay for her dress, so I gave her a budget and we shopped. The dream dress came in at $1200 less than the budget so I gave her that money. Daughter is incredibly frugal and she and future SIL are each currently working two jobs for reasons having nothing to do with money, so they are able to pay for the exact wedding they want. Being frugal, my husband saw her plotting out seasonal flowers for the wedding and saw that she was a bit disappointed that her favorite flowers won’t be in season, so he told her that since I brought her dress, when the time comes he will take her to the florist and buy her bouquet and it should be exactly what she wants regardless of cost. That’s all we are doing financially for the wedding but plan to give them a check as our wedding gift. I think the planning, budgeting and compromising has been very good for them as a couple.
Even though I am contributing a sizable chunk of money to both daughters’ weddings, they are doing their own planning (though sharing about aspects of it with me)…but ALL decisions are theirs to make. I enjoy hearing about it but want it to be what they want. And yes, it involves budgeting and all of that on their part. My younger one has now picked the venue and date!
Come to think about it, all the decisions of where to apply to college and where to attend…we let them make themselves, though they shared about it too.
Congrats again soozie!! No thoughts about a double wedding?? That might be fun!
DrGoogle- where did you post something about starting another wedding thread?Did this topic get inserted in another thread somewhere? The opening line of this thread was very confusing, but if it refers to being a follow-up from another thread that helps to clarify, and would have been helpful at the outset. Its funny how sometimes there’s an assumption that everyone reads every thread (or the same threads we do)!Where did you suggest this , drgoogle. I can’t find it. Looked in the " leg coverup for wedding" thread (just found that thread) but didn’t see anything there.
@jym626 LOL about a double wedding! Nope, cannot imagine that. Each will do whatever each couple likes and that is how I think it should be. It’s their day. Neither of my D’s is lavish. Neither wants a real traditional type of wedding. Neither is having a religious ceremony. D2 already told me she doesn’t care about things like flowers…she’d rather rent a piano to have at the venue because all her performing artist friends will be performing at it.
In my culture, it’s the male side that has to pay, not the female side. So since I’ve been on CC, I’ve softened my stance on this. My husband and I will contribute some money and I will only mention this to my girls and not their future husband(hypothetical, none in sight). Maybe about $30k for one kid, she is most likely going to be married to another starving artist like herself. The other one I will pay for the wedding dress up to $10K because she loves the Say Yes to the Dress TV show, and a great honeymoon, up to $10k. Something memorable. This kid loves outdoor adventures. As general wedding expense, I think she and her future husband can take care of the rest.
Once my D got engaged we discussed what our contribution would be. We gave her a set amount. I would not be surprised if we end up going over because we pay for some odds and ends prior to the reception.
So far I have the set amount written down and as I make payments for deposits I subtract that from the original amount.
When either of my kids gets engaged, I plan to offer a modest fixed amount (somewhere in the vicinity of $10K to $15K), no strings attached. I wouldn’t even necessarily expect them to spend it on the wedding. If they want to go to City Hall to get married and spend the money on furniture or a vacation, that’s fine with me. (In fact, I think it’s a good idea, but it’s not my place to say that.)
Also, if either of them wants to have a wedding in the area where they grew up, I would offer to act as the couple’s administrative assistant. Neither of them lives here anymore, and there are things that it is easier for a local person to do. But I would not push for this choice of location, and they had better realize that I have never planned a wedding (my mother planned mine), and I would need to be explicitly told what to do.
@DrGoogle I am not judging you. For me, I would have to give the same amount of contribution to each child’s wedding and not different amounts as you described. For me, it was rather tricky a bit because I made the offer to D2 soon after she was engaged, not even knowing D1 was getting engaged a month later and that both weddings are within a couple months of each other. But there was no way I wasn’t going to offer the same to the other daughter, even though this is going to be quite a challenge financially speaking. I doubt they are comparing notes, but I just feel that I need to do the same for both. And as it turns out D2’s groom’s parents are also contributing and D1 might not have that happen in her case, and so that will be that…I wouldn’t give that daughter more to compensate.
My husband and I have a friend who was surprised to have his son approach him for wedding $$$, so husband and I gave this some thought ourselves (have two sons).
We plan to give our sons a set amount of $$$, whatever we can reasonably afford at that point in time (within gift tax limits), and then it will be up to said son (and his fiancee but our son’s name will be on the check) to decide how to best use the money. If they want to spend it on the wedding itself, great. If they want to put it aside for a down payment on a house - great.
We will give it as a gift with no strings attached, i.e., we will not expect to dictate details of the wedding. If, for some reason the marriage does not happen, son may keep the $$$ but there will be no more large wedding gifts. I.e., this is a one-time deal.
At least that’s how we look at it now, unless something significant happens.
ETA: All of this happens in the totality of college expenses. In other words, if college is a big cost we will not have as much money to give, obviously. We feel it is better for our children in the long run to not be a burden on them in retirement.
@soozievt, well I might rethink that strategy. But the honeymoon and dress might crepe up to $30k when it comes time for her to get married.
But so far neither has complained about college cost. I paid a lot less for kid #2 than kid #1. But she profits from my knowledge of her field of study more than her sister. So it evens out eventually. Money wise she comes out ahead already.
@DrGoogle You could always consider a budget for the dress and honeymoon items, as opposed to the sky being the limit. Do what you want of course!!
As far as college goes, I see that as giving my kids equal opportunity. Each one could go wherever she wanted and get whatever degrees she desired. D1 has cost way more than D2 in this regard because D1 went to college and graduate school for 8 years and D2 went to college in a professional degree program for 4 years. I don’t feel I have to make up to D2 by giving her more money. Both had equal opportunities when it came to education.
For their wedding expense contribution, I am giving both the same amount.
@Marian That’s what I have done. D and fiance getting married next year. I told them the number and no strings attached. Once they set the date (kind of tricky since they both have divergent performance contracts) the check is ready. If they want to get married in Europe, that’s fine. If they want to come home and get married that’s OK too. If they want to go to the courthouse and spend the balance on whatever, that’s good too.
Here’s the money and you two figure it out. As far as “when to tell your kid”? My D has known my attitude towards wasteful spending on lavish weddings for some time, so this comes as no surprise.
I had originally going to pay for both of my daughters’ weddings, but the problem is the younger daughter may end up with someone who is from a very wealthy family. I don’t think my budget would be sufficient if that’s the case, and it wouldn’t be fair to my older daughter if I were to spend more on the younger one.
D1 is looking to get engaged next year. She wants 300+ people wedding.
D2 is not completely settle yet, but she wants a 100 people wedding at the Central Park Boathouse. If she ends up with her current BF, it may not do for his family.
@oldfort With your D2…the one who might marry a guy from a very wealthy family…either your budget will have to do if you are paying the whole thing or the groom’s parents could also contribute to the cost of the wedding if they want something bigger, etc.
BTW, I don’t think you can have just 100 guests at Central Park Boathouse. They have a required minimum.
). His parents are quite well off (better than I am), and very generous, so my guess is that they will offer $. D2 is so introverted that I suspect I will be lucky to be invited, let alone adding tons of other people! So that might be plenty for here. They can keep what they don’t spend. The couple themselves can pitch in if they want something more extravagant.