Our oldest is a college senior. He has been attending quite a few weddings over the past year. Of those friends, most were graduated. One couple, the bride was a college junior and the groom was 25. Another couple was very young but, the groom went into a trade full time instead of college. Four more couples are about to get engaged that he knows of. It’s been a busy season!
We have only boys but, my husband and I have discussed the topic. Our boys do know that we would help with engagement ring costs. We also plan to pay for rehearsal dinners, honeymoon costs and possibly a modest house down payment but, we haven’t shared the rest of that yet with the kids. Thankfully, we’re in a position to send them off with a boost. Also, without daughters, there won’t be any weddings to pay for.
Jonri, it really depends on the person. Personally, I couldn’t have married someone who wanted a big, fancy wedding with tons of people (or a big fancy ring or whatever else). To me, that signals that we have totally different values. And that’s OK- there’s nothing wrong with that- but some people just know what type of wedding they want well before they are even dating someone.
Hm. Unless you have a family heirloom to give, I think it would be a point of pride for the young man to buy the ring(s) for his bride himself. What do others think?
intparent, spouse and I bought our rings together. I did get an engagement ring (he didn’t because he didn’t want one, and that was fine by me) which we designed and bought together. I, personally, would not want one bought by his parents. (I also wouldn’t want one picked out solely by him.) For me (again, just personal preference), if you’re going to start your lives together then those big ticket items should be bought together. However, I’m currently helping one of my best friends pick out a ring for his girlfriend and she wants to be totally surprised (I know because I asked years ago). He wouldn’t buy something out of his price range and she’d be furious if he splurged on something like jewelry because that’s not their style.
OTOH, spouse’s parents bought an engagement ring for spouse’s biggest brother’s now-wife. I haven’t the faintest clue whether or not she knows but she must, considering he was broke at the time (not that it’s a particularly fancy ring. Beautiful, but simple and would’ve still been out of his price range).
It’s totally couple dependent.
Is this weird? I would never help my sons buy an engagement ring. If you can’t afford an engagement ring (or make plans to buy a nice one down the road when you can afford it) why would you get married in the first place?
Is that old fashioned?
Sorry…don’t agree with you. Our daughter got engaged recently. When her fiancé asked us if he could propose, we offered a beautiful family ring for him to give to her. Our hope was he would take it. He can spend his money on something else special for our DD.
When we got married, we made a few waves by stating that only folks we had both met would be invited to our wedding. We had been living together for a couple of years…were fully funding our wedding, and had had ample time to meet anyone who cared to meet us. We only had 35 people at our afternoon wedding, and we still think it was the nicest wedding we have ever been to.
@jonri Everyone does best according to their circumstances and in every culture the expectations are different. The best investment I can make is in her education so that she is financially independent and able to take care of herself. She will graduate debt free.
Who knows what the future holds but already she has already gotten a proposal. If the expectation is that the brides parents fund the whole wedding then as a single parent I won’t be able to provide the $100,000 plus wedding without emptying out my retirement. Ideally wedding costs should be split between the two families. I have attended very elaborate weddings. (costing more than 4 years of college at a private institution) I also don’t believe one should have a wedding more elaborate than they can afford.
I feel a wedding should be for the couple and not a show to impress people. But each person has there own ideas about how weddings should be celebrated. I feel too much emphasis is spent on making that one day perfect.
But marriage really starts after all the celebrations are over. In todays environment where half the marriages are ending in divorce I feel financially security is much more important. I have also attended multicultural weddings and often they are more expensive as in celebrations we try to honor both families cultural traditions.
I have diamond earrings left to me and siblings by my mother. Since they are not totally mine, they’ve been sitting in the bank vault. Sibs would love to have my son use one stone for engagement ring, and I would reimburse the sib her share. Everyone wins. I would have the gift of knowing my mom’s diamond lived on and was worn daily. Son not sure, as they’ve looked together.
Not necessarily fancy. Just big. My aunts and uncles = over 20 people when I got married. My spouse had about 15 aunts and uncles. We both were from unusually small families within the context of our extended families. Still, my parents, his parents, our siblings and spouses, plus aunts and uncles made the count almost 50. Adding first cousins and spouses made the number about 125. I would frankly rather not have included some of my first cousins and spouses, but that would have caused problems between my parents and their siblings.
Yeah, I know it’s strange concept but we wanted some friends at our wedding too.
My point is that your spouse might share your values but still feel that as one of 50 cousins in an extended family, he has to invite his cousins and their spouses. This is particularly true if (s)he is one of the younger cousins. As #48 out of 50 cousins, it might be hard to say …even though I’ve gone to 47 weddings, I’m not inviting you to mine.
@thumper1 - I do feel differently about family heirlooms . . . but then I guess that’s not all that different from contributing $$ to a ring.
I feel like the know-it-all 20-something with no kids, issuing parenting advice. 
No, we haven’t hit the wedding point yet. Still . . . we know people supporting adult married children to some degree or another. Not crazy about that idea. And in my simpleton brain it starts with the wedding. Have what you can reasonably afford. Don’t live in fantasy land.
Male perspective here. (Of course, I accept the fact that being a man means that I have as much right to an opinion about my daughters’ future weddings as our dog does 
) None of my kids are near being married yet, so although this thread is interesting I don’t have any real-world experience. But I’m trying to use my imagination …
Talking to my daughters and their future husbands about a budget doesn’t worry me. Talking to my future in-laws could be tricky, but I think I can manage. What scares the cr*p out of me is dealing with my wife !!! Frankly, I’m surprised that more people aren’t focused on the mother of the bride as being the driver of a lot of the spending. I think there must be a lot of moms in this thread
What about having a more modest (but still nice) wedding, and giving the balance of the cash toward a down payment on a house?? I bet a lot of couples who are starting out would like that deal !! It would also help them focus on their future together, not on a 1 or 2 day party.
We will not have a wedding “budget.” We will contribute what we feel we can at the time out of current income for a nice wedding. If D and future spouse want a more elaborate celebration than we can provide, they can pay for it. I have no intention of saving for a child’s wedding. You’re just as married whether you exchange vows at the courthouse and have a family celebration at home, or whether you have a blowout destination wedding.
The wedding industry has convinced a lot of gullible people that they have to spend a gajillion dollars on a vulgar extravaganza. It’s totally unnecessary. The more emphasis on status display and competitive oneupsmanship, the less likely it is that the marriage will actually last, IMHO.
It used to be the norm for the bride’s family to pay for the wedding, the groom’s family to pay for the rehearsal dinner, and the groom to pay for the honeymoon. However, these rules have gone by the wayside. Most couples now largely pay for themselves. And why shouldn’t they? Presumably they’ve been out working for a few years and are making an adult decision to join households. It’s not as if the virgin bride is going from her parents’ home to her in-law’s.
One wedding expense that many people seem to spend a lot of money on is the wedding dress. That is one area where I can’t see my D spending a lot. I am always shocked by what some people spend in shows like Say Yes to the Dress, etc.
I have a gorgeous silk dress with a beautiful inlaid lace back and train…hanging in my closet here. I’m hoping DD will like it. Came from a thrift store. It is drop dead gorgeous.
We didn’t have any money when we wanted to get married. I was so in love that I didn’t care we couldn’t afford a ring. My mother put her foot down - no ring, no getting married (with Chinese accent). She said it could be a cheap ring, but she wanted to know her daughter was worth her future husband’s effort. Back then I thought my mom was just being difficult. Now I am a mom, I understand how she felt.
My D got engaged in January. We still have another D in college and all of our money goes to that (just like it did when our oldest was in college). We have told our kids since they were in high school that since we are paying for college, they have to pay for their weddings. We have retirement savings but we had to cash in our other modest investments when the company my husband worked for went out of business and both kids were in college that year.
When our future SIL asked for our blessing to propose we let him know that our D is responsible for the wedding costs. We also reminded our daughter. We did pay for her wedding dress and the deposit on the venue and we’ll pay for the rest of the venue. I am getting push back from the parents of the future SIL but there isn’t much I can do since we don’t have a pot of gold buried in our backyard.
I paid for my wedding. It was just a cake and punch reception in the church basement but we’re still married after 28 years. I think TV and movies have made kids think they need lavish weddings. Not everyone can afford that or want to spend their money that way. In reality, most people don’t remember if the food was good or if they were able to get plastered at an open bar, they remember celebrating the union of their relative or friend.
I have to admit that I love Say Yes to the Dress, but sometimes it’s just a big informercial for Pnina Tornai dresses (this must be the Kleinfeld’s house brand?). Of course you don’t have to spend 5000K on a dress.
@oldfort - that’s sort of what I was thinking, too, though I didn’t articulate it well.
@al2simon - another great point about some moms of brides. My mom definitely had a vision for our weddings. I’m not sure there’s much my dad could have said LOL.
@NJSue - Speaking of admitting things, the Four Weddings tv show is a very guilty pleasure of mine. Shhh…don’t tell anyone. B-)
I’m not one for engagement rings but I think we’ve done that thread to death already.