As I get older, I become more traditional. I see marriage is not just between two people, it is two families coming together. Maybe not so much of two parents-in-laws coming together, but it is two people marrying into each other families. As head of my family, I feel it is my responsibility to host a party (wedding) to welcome my future SIL and his family into my family, and it is only gracious for the groom’s family to host a party (rehearsal dinner) to welcome my daughter into their family. I would be very disappointed if the groom’s family should choose to do nothing.
Re: she wanted to know her daughter was worth her future husband’s effort.
This is the point. I do not have a daughter. But in my imagination, I would think no parents would happily walk their beloved daughter down the wedding ail until they are sure the groom would value their daughter.
I heard that in some culture (maybe Thailand?), this means the groom’s family will shell out a lot of money. Maybe the bride family might return a significant amount after the fact. But if there is no such guesture, it is almost an insult to the bride’s family and the family would likely be looked down upon by the whole society. (I heard of this story not long ago. I also heard that in India, bride’s family need to do something otherwise there will be huge repercussion. Also, in Korean culture, both families seem to need to “do something”, but the groom’s side needs to “do more.” In Chinese culture, the groom’s side carries most of the responsibilities. The so-called “side” refers to the whole family, not to the individual who is married. Some even goes so far as saying that the main characters for such a life event are the PARENTS (who not only pull all the strings but also carry most of the weight), and the couple are obliged to do what are expected of them, i.e., fulfill their “duty”. They are totally inadequate to handle anything to that scale anyway. Oh, boy!)
My wife and I paid for my daughter’s dream wedding.
In the midst of wedding planning right now with D. S was married in 2012. When my mom died in 2008, I set back a small amount of money to outfit myself and to help the kids with their wedding expenses. I’m a cc prof, as in no deep pockets. Kids knew from that point on what my contribution would be. Fortunately, my ex has more resources and paid for about 60-65% of S’s rehearsal dinner and is paying a substantial amount for D’s wedding next year. Things were uncomfortable when the wedding budget was being set because I had e-mailed ex-H what I had to contribute to see if he wanted me to pay initial expenses. He never replied, but quipped to D that he thought I should borrow to supplement what his initial budget was. I guess he figured out that wasn’t going to happen as he later called D back with a stronger budget. She’s not having the blowout wedding that some of her friends have had, but it will be a nice event.
D’s requests/choices have been very reasonable and budget focused so far, IMO. She refused to even try on dresses above her budget because she didn’t want to have to cut back somewhere else for a dress that she would only wear once. She cares more about the flowers than the cake and that’s reflected in her choices. If I were making the choices, they would be just the opposite!
All the wedding threads on CC have certainly taught me that there are so many regional and cultural differences and when you combine those with the financial sensibilities of the parents on this board, there is no set answer. Weddings seem to be a much bigger deal for some (our family included) than they were a generation back. I had a church wedding with a cake and punch reception in the church fellowship hall. It was the most common thing to do then, but is probably the least common among D’s generation.
Do you live in Thailand?
My daughter’s fiancé has shown he cares about her. He doesn’t have to pony money up,for part of the wedding to do so.
My daughter cares about him. The cost of the wedding won’t change that.
Having said all that, we hope to have a nice wedding that will celebrate their marriage. We will pay for what we can afford to pay.
@oldfort, What if the groom’s family just wrote a check for, say, $15000 (or any amount that is considered as “stingy” per the groom’s family’s SES) and do nothing else. Will you be unpleased as bride’s parent
Re: “marriage is not just between two people, it is two families coming together.”
My concern is mostly this: At least, the groom needs to be a part of the bride side family, and the bride needs to be a part of the groom’s side family. All efforts for the wedding is to enable this to happen.
One of my favorite movies growing up was “Father of the Bride.” It was really funny. (must have watched it at least 20 times) My daughter watches “Say Yes to the Dress.” The dresses are quite expensive. Watching that show one would think the cost of Pnina Tornai dresses sold by Keinfelds is the norm.
As parents we always want to do best for our children. I believe whatever I have I am not taking it with me, I going to give it all to my daughter one day. I hope I am blessed with enough to give her a respectable wedding, help her when she buys a home and one day help her when she has kids. (someone please plant some money plants in my backyard)
S1 has been engaged 2 months. We gave them a large check, but will also pay for the rehearsal dinner, our family’s apparel and hotel, plus apparel and hotel for 2 groomsmen. However, as I see how the planning is going, I expect more expense and involvement closer to the wedding. MOB is not well and unable to do much toward planning or organization so S and DIL are trying to do it all.
D1 and I went to visit their venues; it is very apparent how virtually clueless they are about the details. S seems to think all these weddings he and DIL have attended “just happened”. I’m stressing already and trying hard not to be a Momzilla.
This is not about money, it is about intent.
mcat2, has it occurred to you to ask your S a bit more about his s.o.'s family’s traditions? Actually, she might not much care about her family’s traditions if the girl has her own mind, style and preferences. If your S and his s.o. are from different cultures, then navigating the planning of a wedding that combines the traditions and values they want to honor is a big test in their abilities to navigate an intercultural marriage.
I find the your concerns somewhat pointless if you are merely asking what other people plan to do without a reference to what your S’s situation might be with his s.o. It is particularly odd to keep reading your posts about various different Asian traditions, many of which are significantly adapted or watered down by parents who have raised their children here. Most couples want to have a wedding that reflects their tastes and honors their familial and cultural traditions (if any).
Here are some Asian themed weddings I’ve attended.
In another thread I mentioned attending a traditional Hindu wedding during which the groom arrived on a horse. It was fantastic. He and his fiancee are both Indians who were born in Canada but received their medical education in the U.S.
Another wedding I attended was for a Filipino-Chinese couple during which reception there was a lot of food and much singing by members of the wedding party.
I have also been to a wedding for a Chinese-American couple where there was an enormous banquet and the bride changed outfits a few times. There was a tea ceremony. There were several speeches. The bride’s parents spoke about how they were “giving” the groom their only daughter (presumably in the context of saying that he is expected to cherish her). Then there was karaoke and wild dancing.
I attended the wedding of my H’s cousin who married someone from Taiwan. They had a wedding reception out of the country for her side of the family and another one here in the U.S. To my H, the thing that was most notable about the reception we attended was the fact that there was not one photograph of H’s aunt (cousin’s late mother) in the extensive slide show of the couple’s lives, which started with pictures from when they were babies. Both H and I remarked about how odd and sad it was.
With the exception of the horse that was hired for the Hindu wedding, I’m sure that all of the traditions these couples chose to honor and celebrate could have been accomplished with modest to extravagant expenditures.
Well…if it is about how lavish the wedding needs to be, or how much is spent, or how swanky the venue is…
If those are the ways families come together then DH and I should not be married. Our wedding was at a friends house. 35 people. No real rehearsal dinner, but we did have a picnic. Total cost was about $350 including the clothing we both wore.
And at the time, DH was a full time student…didn’t even have an income.
Guess we should not have gotten married at all according to the standards on some of these posts.
But the intent was a good one!
“she wanted to know her daughter was worth her future husband’s effort.”
"I would think no parents would happily walk their beloved daughter down the wedding ail until they are sure the groom would value their daughter.
Obviously, cultural differences come into play here. To me, actions speak louder than words - or material possessions. The feminist in me cringes at the idea of buying things for a young woman to show a young woman’s “worth” to her groom. To me, it smacks of a history of dowries and ownership. I’ll judge my kids’ future partners by their behavior and action, not by what they bring to the table in terms of engagement rings, expensive gifts, wedding budgets, etc.
My only point was that couples (and families if applicable) should do what is best for them and not based on what anyone else thinks.
Who cares what anyone else thinks? If you’re happy and your partner is happy (provided you’re not hurting anyone obviously) then who cares what you do? What works for one will never work for another and trying to hold yourselves to someone else’s standards isn’t going to make anyone happy.
I get the feminist side of it. Totally get it.
But the mom-of-two-sons side of me also gets that when I see either one of my sons set aside some $$ for a ring, I will know that they are darn serious about someone. When it comes to marriage, that level of commitment from a man is important. And it doesn’t have to be an expensive ring either. There just needs to be an effort (that doesn’t come from mom unless there’s an heirloom to be shared).
I can’t believe how archaic I sound but it is honestly how I feel about it (when it comes to my own sons and of course other people can do or believe totally differently and things turn out just fine).
I have 4 daughters (only one is old enough to marry) and 3 sons (all “adults,” but 2 still in college). I don’t really worry about this. I’m more worried about paying for college for the younger kids. I heard there is a correlation between expensive weddings and higher divorce rate. But I also heard that those who have many guests at their wedding are more likely to stay married–perhaps this is a show of community/family support. So. . .a big, cheap wedding? Unless they marry rich, no one is having a fancy wedding. They can have the wedding that they themselves can afford. I’ve seen all kinds of low budget weddings, (including my own) so I know they can be done.
I have never been to Thailand. The relatively recent wedding story I heard about Thailand was about DS’s friend who was from that country and who was married just a few months ago. DS did not attend their wedding though. Can not afford to fly to that destination.
I actually did not talk to DS anything about his GF. Neither did my wife. (All the info we know about here was back in those years they were not together yet – kind of funny that we feel very free to ask about all his friends (she was just a friend back then) but not anymore once she became his girlfriend.) When he does not volunteer the info, we (especially me) do not ask. Don’t want to run the risk of being considered as a nosy parent, especially by her. (e.g., we do not want to know how much student loan debt she has accumulated - not our business. We also do not know whether DS shares with her about his indebtedness – not sure whether a couple these days would talk about this kind of unromantic topic and how soon.
However, I could sense that, in her culture, the parents tend to have more influences on their young adult son or daughter. But she seems to dislike many aspects of her culture. (In comparison, our son is relatively ignorant about the marriage customs in either culture. She likely knew more but does not know how much she accepts it and how much she rejects it.) However, we do not want to ask either of them these questions. (We do not have much communication bandwidth between us anyway: likely only 10 minutes during our bi-weekly call to him, 0 minute to her. I think my wife (but not me) has said hi to her over the call once when DS made it happen at one time.)
Thanks for sharing.
All this wedding/cultural talk reminded me of this interesting piece I listened to on NPR yesterday. The documentary referenced sounds interesting.
http://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2015/09/11/439467662/meet-the-patels-one-mans-quest-to-find-love-the-old-school-indian-way
Bucket list items for me are to one day go to a big Indian/Punjabi wedding and a chinese wedding banquet. (I love the movies Monsoon Wedding and The Wedding Banquet. Anyone seen those?)
@doschicos, yes to both films. You should watch Bride and Prejudice, if you like a bit of Bollywood. It is a delightful movie and stars the gorgeous Aishwarya Rai. 
My younger daughter is flying to India in November to attend the wedding of a good friend. The friend is of Indian heritage, as is her groom, but both were raised their entire lives in the US. But they are going to India to have the wedding based on family traditions. Apparently it is an event that lasts a couple of days.
My SIL will be married in just a few weeks, so this is very timely for me. The wedding is in Manhattan - black tie at a top hotel. It’s her first marriage. She’s an older bride and her parents are quite elderly and not able to actively help plan the wedding, although mom has attended dress fittings, etc. They plan to give her a generous fixed amount and leave the rest of it up to her and the groom (he’s had a few marriages already, lol). I think her parents want to be fair and align the amount they spent on their other children, but that was 25+ years ago and it’s hard to adjust for inflation. I think they estimated the cost, and factored in that the couple is quite well-off on their own and able to afford whatever they want. My guess is that mom and dad’s contribution will just go into the bank or the check won’t ever be cashed.
I’m a little surprised that SIL wanted all of the bells and whistles after all these years, but why not…it will be a fun family time - I’m happy for them.