<p>We (H, S, D, and I) are planning a two week vacation trip this summer on the west coast. We’ll be visiting relatives and doing touristy things. We are considering inviting (19-yo) D’s BF of over a year. He’s a nice boy and we try to welcome him to anything she wants to invite him for in the way of family functions. We would not have a problem bringing him along and would pay the extra expenses. </p>
<p>HOWEVER, H is concerned that this will be a problem because S is gay and does not have a BF to bring along. S has already said that he doesn’t care about the BF coming, but he would like to see a couple of his own friends on his own time while there. </p>
<p>I don’t feel that we should treat D differently than we normally would because S is different, as that just generates resentment. H is still adjusting and seems to feel that we have to treat S like a hot-house flower.</p>
<p>We have to make a decision so that we can book flights soon. Of course, even if we ask BF, there is no guarantee that his parents would allow him to go.</p>
<p>Is S roughly the same age as D and her BF? Do all three get along? Remember that two weeks, non-stop, is a long time for any group to spend together. Sounds very fair that S gets to have “his own time” on the trip.</p>
<p>^BF will be just 18, D-19.5, and S just 21. So relatively close. BF and S get along ok with no apparent issues. D and S fight like the usual siblings/cats/dogs. Less so if BF is there. </p>
<p>By “different”, do you mean the fact that one has an SO and the other does not?</p>
<p>Is there any issue with having some free time for your son to visit whomever he wants to visit while you are there? If not, and he is fine with visiting his friends during that free time and has no issue with his sister’s SO coming along, it seems odd that your husband is that concerned about it.</p>
<p>By “different” meaning that S is gay and D is not. There doesn’t seem to be an issue with S visiting his friends while we are there. We may even arrange for him to stay extra days if he wishes. (I think H is still struggling with his adjustment.)</p>
<p>We have a relative who has taken their eldest of 4 kids GF with them on family trips, twice over the past 18 months. None of the other 3 kids has a SO and everyone likes the GF. They also think the eldest is nicer to everyone when the GF is around. The family can afford it and it seems to work fine for everyone involved. The eldest and GF in this case are both 24 and have been dating about 6 years. </p>
<p>I have no problem treating my kids differently because their situations and needs are different. Neither kid seems to have an issue with us responding to the different needs of each differently. Both know we love them and accept them as they are, as well as their friends. Have never invited their friends to join us for a family trip yet, but neither has had a serious relationship. </p>
<p>It is not obvious that this matters. What you describe – bringing D’s SO along when S does not have an SO to bring along, or letting S have free time to visit others who happen to be there – does not seem to matter whether S is gay or not.</p>
<p>It seems that if H or anyone else has any issue with S being gay, that is independent of the trip logistics, whether any SOs come along, or whether there is free time for S to visit others who happen to be there.</p>
<p>??
I’m not sure what the issue is? S doesn’t have a SO, so what’s the issue??? </p>
<p>When we’ve gone to Calif my younger son’s long-time GF came with us. Older son wasn’t dating anyone special at the time. I doubt he gave it a second thought that his younger brother’s GF came with us. </p>
<p>If your S had an SO, would that person be invited? I know plenty of gay people in happy long-term relationships, and straight people who are currently single, so I don’t understand the issue. If he’s feeling particularly bitter about not dating, that might affect his feelings, but gay people don’t have exclusivity on (or a tendency toward) that feeling or situation by any means.</p>
<p><<< H is still adjusting and seems to feel that we have to treat S like a hot-house flower.<<<<</p>
<p>So did H just find out that your S is gay and he’s trying to figure out if S will be upset if his sister brings a SO and he doesn’t? S has already said that he doesn’t mind that D’s BF is coming along. What is H actually saying? If S did have a SO, would your H be fine with bringing his SO along as well? IF so, there seems to be no issue. If your H would have an issue with that, then maybe his concern is that D shouldn’t bring BF otherwise in the future, he’s going to have to bring S’s SO, too. </p>
<p>I just don’t see the issue. However, if your H just learned about your son being gay in the last month or so, then maybe he’s just trying to process it all.</p>
<p>I think your son would want you to treat him the same way you’ve always treated him.</p>
<p>I would bring the BF. I do agree however, that 2 weeks is a long time for a group to be together. Why not think about inviting the BF for one of the two weeks and spend the other week as a family? We do this often when we are meeting other families on vacation. </p>
<p>Our kids are different. We treated them differently on a lot of things. </p>
<p>As others have said…does your son have a SO? Is he also invited on this trip…or would you do so in the future? If not, I would leave the BF at home.</p>
<p>Is this a road trip? Does that mean there will be five of you in one car? With five folks’ stuff? Hope the car is large enough.</p>
<p>I think the H may have more issues down the road when the S does have a partner and wants to bring him along. We now include my D’s BF of 4 years on most trips, and they have their own room when we travel (they are living together). Lots of things to consider in the future.</p>
<p>When I read this, I thought the “difference” was that D has been in this relationship for over a year and S isn’t similarly attached. That simple. </p>
<p>Aren’t you inviting the BF because this relationship seems solid and you enjoy him? So, even if S starts seeing someone in the next few months, it wouldn’t be the same anyway? It would be shorter term, not the same level. </p>
<p>At some point in the future, when you’ve gotten to know S’s special someone, had the dinners and other functions together, started your own connections-- then you would cross that bridge? I don’t see this as treating a straight D and gay S differently, at this point, just because one is gay. </p>
S has only recently come out, so H has only known for about 2 months (myself a bit longer). If S had an SO we would definitely want to invite him as well. H seems to think it will be difficult for S to see his sister with her great relationship 24/7 rubbing it in his face that his chances of having an SO himself are so much less, given the available pool of fish is, what? 2% of the population? some of whom are not even OUT? </p>
<p>We will be staying in hotels part of the time and with relatives part of the time. At the moment it’s not clear to us whether these relatives know S is gay or not but they will know well before the vacation. Apparently H is also worried that there may be some awkwardness along the lines of “oh look, niece and her bf, such a cute couple. And here’s our poor gay nephew, with his slim prospects.”</p>
<p>I’m not sure I would invite him. Mostly because you are planning for something you are doing this summer and it involves plane tickets… Summer is a long way off. … the BF and D are young. Even though they have been together a over a year it’s possible that they may not be together by this summer.</p>
<p>However if you are going to invite D’s BF I’d ask S if he has a friend that he would like to take. It doesn’t have to be a BF.</p>
<p>I don’t think you need to be so pessimistic about your son finding a s/o, unless he lives in an isolated area. </p>
<p>I like the idea of talking to your son about his feelings, and perhaps asking your daughter how her b/f feels about being with your family for 2 long weeks. </p>