<p>Have you figured out sleeping arrangements for this trip that everyone is ok with? Will it be 3 rooms or something else and how does that work for your budget? Might it be awkward for BF to stay at relatives homes with you, putting more pressure for space on your hostesses and hosts? 5 is tougher to house than an even 4, which can generally fit in one or two rooms with no fuss. </p>
<p>Also, traveling for 2 weeks IS a long time and it will be awkward if the BF and Ad split up or are not as close by the time the trip comes up. Personally, I would say no SO until they had been together for several years and were older, but that’s me. </p>
<p>I don’t think your son’s chances of finding an SO are reduced by being gay. True, there are fewer gay people, but that also means proportionately less competition. </p>
<p>Let’s assume 90 % of the population are straight and, for simplicity’s sake, assume the other ten percent are gay and not bisexual. In a room of 100 people, there are potentially 45 guys that might be interested in the straight woman, while there are only 4 other guys for the gay man. Sounds awful for the guy - but those 45 straight guys also have 44 other women to pair off with, while the 4 gays guys only have 3 other men. </p>
<p>As long as your son lives in an area with a large enough gay population that there are plenty of men to meet, he shouldn’t have any problem.</p>
<p>I have more trouble with the idea that at 21 your son needs permission to have ‘free time.’</p>
<p>Your husband’s math is off. Even if the pool of prospects is smaller in the gay dating world, the need is smaller too. There are only a certain number of gay men looking for a relationship with a gay man. There are many more straight men looking for straight women, and the pool is bigger. It doesn’t make one pool better than the other, or even the likelihood of meeting a mate greater. Just different.</p>
<p>If your son had decided to become a priest and not date at all, would it be wrong for your D to have a BF? Would that be ‘rubbing it in S’ face? Of course not. Invite the BF is you want him to come. Have your son make plans for time with his friends during the trip.</p>
<p>I guess I still don’t understand what the issue is. If your son were straight and did not have a SO, would you be having the same second thoughts about inviting your D’s BF? Your son does not happen to have a SO at the moment, but there is no reason to assume that he will have such a difficult time finding a SO as you seem to think he will. I really doubt that he is going to be looking jealously at your D and her BF thinking “They are so lucky… I will never have such a good relationship because I am gay…” I think you are underestimating your son- he may be dating much more than you are aware of and be very content with his current status. As for relatives thinking of him as the “poor gay nephew”, I suspect that they may already guess he is gay, even if they don’t know for sure. His “slim prospects” will probably not cross their minds, and if it does, that’s their problem. </p>
<p>Why don’t you just sit down with your son and get his input? It sounds like you may still be a bit uncomfortable with his sexual orientation. It really doesn’t define him as a person, and it shouldn’t change how you view his relationship with his sister. If you would have invited the BF along before you knew your son was gay, then I see no reason why you would not still do so.</p>
<p>Yeah, I am kind of with other posters who say your son’s sexual orientation is really irrelevant to the issue being posed regarding the vacation. What would you have done if your son had not recently come out? Whatever that is, then that should guide the decision making process here. Why make him feel like anything is different?</p>
<p>I think you’re so worried about treating your son differently because you recently found out that he was gay that you’re inadvertently treating him differently.</p>
<p>Treat him like your son and forget about his sexuality entirely. Would you still bring your daughter’s BF on the trip? If the answer is yes, then bring him. If the answer is no, then don’t bring him. Seems pretty simple. You’re not actually treating them any differently, unless your son has a significant other that you’re not willing to bring, which doesn’t seem to be the case.</p>
<p>I think it’s great that you’re so concerned with how your son feels in this situation, but he’s 21 years old. He’s old enough to tell you if he doesn’t want the BF to come, and he’s old enough to get away if spending that much time around the BF annoys him. But I don’t think it has anything to do with whether he’s gay or straight.</p>
<p>“When do you treat Kid A differently because Kid B is different?”
-Always. My general rules were only couple: no crying was allowed, and bed time was 10pm. Other than that everything is different from kid to kid. Kids do have common sense, they understand.</p>
<p>It sounds like your H is wrestling with the question as to whether your son’s BF would be invited on the vacation if the situation were reversed. Would the BF be invited in that case? Not that I think that hypothetical should affect the current scenario.</p>
It’s not a question of “needing permission” just a matter of working out the logistics and fitting it in with the other travel plans.<br>
If S were straight and felt badly about not having a GF, H would say “you’re at a college full of single attractive coeds. Get off your butt and get out there.” He would not have any sympathy. As it is, S doesn’t know that many other gay students and it’s not like the place is teeming with them. (And no, he’s not “dating” much yet.) </p>
<p>As for sleeping arrangements, both relatives families have large homes. They’ll deal with it. Hotels could be more of an issue, since we would need more than one room, which would increase the cost significantly.</p>
<p>I agree heartily with all of this. I wouldn’t take the SO. (I wouldn’t take a short term SO of your son’s, either.) I think 2 weeks is too much togetherness in these circumstances, and puts too much pressure on the SO to be compliant at all times.</p>
<p>Oh geez. That’s ridiculous. Gay folks find partners. They use dating sites, clubs, etc. It’s not as if they don’t have these options that help them find each other. I’ve yet to meet a gay person who can’t find someone. However, both gay and straight folks will have trouble if they’re not nice people, but I suspect that isn’t your son’s problem.</p>
<p>As for “rubbing it in their faces”. I highly doubt your S will think that. Gay people are quite used to seeing straight couples everywhere. Ask your H if the fact that you and he are a “couple” rub it in your son’s face? lol …no.</p>
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<p>Oh gag…if your relatives say any such thing then stay elsewhere. That’s rude and obnoxious. </p>
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If S were straight and felt badly about not having a GF, H would say “you’re at a college full of single attractive coeds. Get off your butt and get out there.” He would not have any sympathy. As it is, S doesn’t know that many other gay students and it’s not like the place is teeming with them. (And no, he’s not “dating” much yet.)
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<p>don’t most colleges have some kind of club for gay students? If not, then there must be some places off-campus that gay students are more likely to hang out.</p>
<p>I think for some reason y’all think that looking for gay people is like “finding a needle in a haystack”. It’s easier than finding left-handed people…they’re everywhere. :)</p>
<p>I think OP’s DH is just trying to get his bearings, figure out the right approach, with this new detail. DS already said he was fine with the trip and the BF, didn’t he? If this gets carried to an extreme, Sis can’t get engaged or have a nice wedding. Or coo over a cute baby. Maybe Dad won’t think they should watch some romance on tv. </p>
<p>I’d bet what DS wants is to be loved and accepted- by Mom, Dad, Sis, BF, and have a good trip. Not necessarily have everyone stumbling over him, worried about even the wrong choice of words or what-ifs. Best wishes, you are brave to post and try to sort this out.</p>
<p>This has got me thinking… Sylvan… Do you not have any gay relatives or friends that are “out”? If you do, how do they find their SO’s?</p>
<p>Maybe I’m reading too much into this but…a few years ago you were looking for colleges for this son who was “going to become a priest.” (sounds like that’s no longer a consideration). So, maybe your son has only come to terms with his sexuality (and dating) within the last year or so…so he’s been a little behind in all of this as well???</p>
<p>I think it might make your DS feel bad if you start treating DD differently because of him. My best friend in high school and early college was gay and all he wanted was for that not to be a factor.</p>
<p>Think even if he wasn’t gay, if he was just single, would you worry about this? I started dating about 5 years later than EVERYONE else in my family, and if my parents were bringing my sister and her SO on a trip and it was just me I would be fine with it. If there would be nobody else for me to hang out with with sister otherwise occupied I might be lonely, and want to visit with some friends-- like your S. But that has nothing to do with being gay. I’m not sure this does either, even though it feels to you like it does.</p>
<p>It is nice that you are trying to be so sensitive to his feelings. He is very blessed to have such loving parents. </p>
This is true, m2ck. He’s been adjusting to the new situation of living who he is and telling other people (lots of support so far). We are still new to this and want to be supportive and everything, but like anything else with parenting, there’s no manual and you just try to figure it out as best you can. </p>
<p>The people I know who are gay and have partners, I’m not really sure how they met, although some of them work for the same company/college/etc. as their partner. </p>
<p>Wow, two weeks seems like a very long time. Might it be possible for your daughter’s boyfriend to come for only one week of the trip and for you to have your son invite a friend for the same week. I think two weeks is a very long time to host the boyfriend.</p>
<p>I think even just a week is too long to host a non family member, but the OP didn’t ask about that. I’d be up for a long weekend, but 2 weeks with a SO in tow? The OP is a much better person than I! </p>
<p>I agree with others who feel that the fact that son is gay should be irrelevant to the question of inviting the boyfriend.</p>