<p>The vast majority of the LGBT people that I know are in relationships. Probably a higher percentage than the non-LGBT people that I know. I think that’s a non-issue. </p>
<p>OP, I wish you and your dh a peaceful journey. If you have anyone in your life, particularly relatives who, presumably love you, would think (sorry, don’t know how to quote):</p>
<p>"Apparently H is also worried that there may be some awkwardness along the lines of “oh look, niece and her bf, such a cute couple. And here’s our poor gay nephew, with his slim prospects.”</p>
<p>I am so sorry and I would probably elect to distance myself from people with such unhealthy thinking – I certainly wouldn’t be going out of my way to visit them. Sorry if I’m being too harsh but between what I noted above and:</p>
<p>“H seems to think it will be difficult for S to see his sister with her great relationship 24/7 rubbing it in his face that his chances of having an SO himself are so much less”</p>
<p>I had a tough time reading it. My sister is gay and happily in a relationship, my bff’s son (jr in college) is gay and in his 3rd college (committed) relationship, etc. Best wishes to your S–if he wants to be in a relationship, and he puts himself out there, I’m sure he’ll find a way to date. None of this seems relevant to whether your daughter’s bf should accompany your family on a summer vacation.</p>
<p>Why will the relatives all know about him before the vacation? Is there going to be an announcement? If so, why?</p>
<p>^Presumably S will be telling his grandparents when they return here from their southern winter home. If THEY don’t tell the BIL/SIL’s then S will be telling them when they are here over the summer (before we go in their direction). Why would he not?</p>
<p>I don’t feel my sexuality (straight, gay or other) is anyone’s business and would only ANNOUNCE if I felt so inclined. I really don’t feel anyone’s sexuality is anyone’s business except to a prospective partner or if one is trying to get rights for a discriminated against class and wants to raise the issue. It can also be raised as desired to get folks to lay off matchmaking, as desired by the announcer. </p>
<p>It isn’t a matter of hiding sexuality, but I would only bring it up it if and when I felt like it and not make it a major topic of many conversations. I guess everyone is different, but unless one has a partner one wants to introduce as the SO, I don’t think I’d feel like sharing. </p>
<p>I would still be reluctant to commit to having BF come along on a 2 week trip that is five or more months from now. This relationship is only one year old and much can happen between now and trip time. </p>
<p>@himom</p>
<p>I can see your point. A “straight child” who isn’t dating doesn’t announce to the relatives, “hey I’m straight”, so I can see why it may be weird for a gay person to do so. </p>
<p>Really think out the logistics–what happens if the relationship is off by summer? Where will BF sleep? Own room? With D? How much will extra hotel room and meals cost? Will relatives be OK housing a BF they don’t know? Where does he sleep at their homes?</p>
<p>Yes, aim for consistency in housing as to who shares rooms with whom. Changing those rules may result in hard feelings. Be sure the rules are clear to all at the outset, including the parents of any guests, like BF’s. </p>
<p>Be sure it is something you are comfortable with the reasonably foreseeable consequences. The promised trip may also make the relationship more serious sooner than the couple (or D or BF) may be ready for. 18 and 19 is still quite young and letting the relationship develop slowly at its own pace seems MUCH better to me. </p>
<p>In grad school, BF and I went on a one week camping trip with another couple. The other couple weren’t talking to each other or us by the middle of the week and they had been together for many years. It was very awkward for everyone, and we were all in our 20s. </p>
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<p>And whatever you decide, it should be consistent. If you don’t allow your D to sleep with her BF at your expense, will you allow your son to sleep with a BF? or vice versa? </p>
<p>At some point, you could be providing transportation, lodging, and meals for a number of people. </p>
<p>BTW…do you have two D’s? For some reason, I thought you had 3 kids…1 son and 2 daughters. </p>
<p>I’ve also thought along Himom’s line (12:57.) Some details don’t have a bearing on other relationships (eg, family, friends.) I’m not sure it’s “news” that has to make its way through the group. Then again, I am leery about many labels. And how people use labels to compartmentalize some others, assume. My kids’ relationship preferences don’t come up any more than announcing when they lost their virginity or if they haven’t.</p>
<p>But yes, there are times when you share.</p>
<p>I don’t feel that we should treat D differently than we normally would because S is different, as that just generates resentment. H is still adjusting and seems to feel that we have to treat S like a hot-house flower.</p>
<p>My husband and I knew one son was gay from puberty and suspected he was gay or bi before that. We followed the “treat all the boys the same” philosophy as much as possible. I have no idea if that was correct parenting or not. We did do our best to shield them from homophobic relatives since we believe family has to always be the safe place.</p>
<p>I don’t know if gay seems different to some of us because we see the world through heteronormative eyes. David Halperin wrote a book about this issue:</p>
<p>* “Gayness,” Mr. Halperin declares, “is not a state or condition. It’s a mode of perception, an attitude, an ethos: in short, it is a practice.” …
These declarations run counter to much of the prevailing gay pride ethos, which argues that gay men are, to borrow the title of Andrew Sullivan’s 1995 book, “virtually normal.” Pretty much like straight people, that is, except for what they do with their dangly bits. *</p>
<p><a href=“‘How to Be Gay,’ by David M. Halperin - The New York Times”>‘How to Be Gay,’ by David M. Halperin - The New York Times;
<p>It is a wonderful, thought provoking book with a really excellent bibliography.</p>
<p>I also like this article:</p>
<p><a href=“Love on the March | The New Yorker”>Love on the March | The New Yorker;
<p>
No, just the two. And two dogs :)</p>
<p>
I know you mean well, but it’s hard for me to believe you can say this with a straight face. No pun intended.</p>
<p>In theory, if everyone were fully accepting to the point that it makes absolutely no difference whether someone is straight or gay (or otherwise), then there is no “need” for anyone to tell anyone, because no one would care. But it appears that the unstated assumption here is that some of the family is not so accepting, and might be prone to gossip/rumor about it behind others’ backs, in which case being “public” about it may be a way to quelling such gossip/rumor.</p>
<p>You wouldn’t need to tell your relatives you are straight because they would assume you are unless you tell them otherwise. We are not talking about “second cousin” removed kind of relatives, these are almost immediate families (grandparents, uncle/aunts). Even if the son didn’t make a point of announcing his sexuality, while they were staying with those relatives, at some point someone probably would ask, “Hey Joe, are you dating? Do you have a girlfriend?” If my niece/nephews were gay, I would want them to tell me.</p>
<p>I would invite the BF if that’s what you want to do, but I wouldn’t invite him along for 2 weeks, that’s too long for anyone. I also don’t know why the fact son is gay has anything to do whether the BF should be invited or not. Someone I know used to have a rule about his kids (6 of them) inviting their SO on vacation with them - they must have been going out for at least 6 months.</p>
<p>Whether he’s gay or not shouldn’t make any difference. I know just as many straight people as I do non-straight people who can’t find a SO. Straights can also have a heck of a time find a SO.
IMO, it shouldn’t weigh at all on your decision. Perhaps consider allowing him to take a friend? I recently went down to Florida with my single happens-to-be-gay best friend, his parents, his brother, and his brother’s girlfriend. Good fun for all though the 20 hour car trip might’ve been a bit much. </p>
<p>"mom2collegekids wrote:
I can see your point. A “straight child” who isn’t dating doesn’t announce to the relatives, “hey I’m straight”, so I can see why it may be weird for a gay person to do so.</p>
<p>=================
I know you mean well, but it’s hard for me to believe you can say this with a straight face. No pun intended."</p>
<p>Yes, I do mean well, and I am agreeing with HiMom with a straight face (no pun here, either). </p>
<p>However, if your son feels that he wants to tell his relatives than by all means do so. I just meant that he shouldn’t feel that he HAS to do so. It’s not some requirement. It is totally his story to tell. He may absolutely feel the need to tell the relatives, or he may not. The gay people in my social circle haven’t made a “formal announcement.” It’s come up in natural situations. I’ve been in situations where the (male) person has been asked, “Do you have a girlfriend,” and the person simply says, “No, I’m gay, so I date men.” or what-have-you. </p>
<p>I agree with UCB that the concern seems to be that the relatives won’t be accepting or there may be some “back gossip,” So maybe “telling” is supposed to be some pre-emptive strike? If they’re going to gossip, they’re going to gossip no matter how they’re told…at least that’s what I think. I don’t know how old the grandparents are or how open-minded they are, but some will be totally cool with it and some will be confused or shocked by the news. Many grandparents are from a generation where they just don’t know many gay folks because people just weren’t “out” as much as they are now. </p>
<p>After all, your H is from our generation and look how he’s having some adjustment issues. Look how he’s trying to over-compensate. </p>
<p>Sylvan, If I remember correctly, there was a set of grandparents (don’t know which set) that didn’t like your son’s major or didn’t like his interest in the priesthood or something a couple of years ago (foggy memory). So, it sounds like at least one set of grandparents can be rather opinionated and out-spoken. (is my memory failing?). Is this the same set of grands? Do you think they’ll be ok with the news? </p>
<p>You are absolutely amazing, m2ck. The kids only have one set of living grandparents. They are remarkably anti-gay, which has me in knots. S will be coming out to them in the spring. H says not to worry, but how do I not? We also have a bible thumper in the family who asks every time I talk to her why MIL/FIL have to know. Sometimes I feel like I’m dancing on the head of a pin :(.</p>
<p>If your S wants to come out to his grandparents, I don’t read anything anyone has written saying that’s not your S’s prerogative. It is of course his choice when and how and with whom to share with. It sounds like you’re anticipating some pretty unpleasant fall out from these disclosures. Perhaps working with PFLAG might be useful as prep for you? Honestly, am trying to understand and be as sensitive as possible. </p>
<p>Our kids have only one set of living grandparents (my folks), whom they love dearly and have spent considerable time with all their lives. Thus far, they have never discussed their or anyone else’s sexuality (gay or straight) with my parents and I don’t imagine the subject is likely to come up anytime soon in their normal conversations. Heck, I’ve never had such discussions with them and I see them many times a week. </p>
<p>My folks would consider any discussion of sexual orientation by me or my kids “too much info” and really not their business. We are all different but neither we nor our kids would bring up TMI topics to my folks, as it would just make everyone uncomfortable. </p>
<p>My parents and other relatives have slowly become increasingly accepting of gay people having equal rights as they come to know more and more of them in the community–it has been a journey and generally I prefer selective deafness to insensitivity over taking offense to ignorant remarks and prejudices.</p>
<p>
I’m sorry, I feel like I’m missing something here. Are you gay, HImom? Are your S or D gay? Obviously you don’t have to tell us, and I’m not prying, just trying to understand what you are getting at.</p>
<p>PFLAG is a great idea.
Lots of experience there and it helps to talk to those who have gone through it.</p>