<p>I understood Himom. Maybe I’m not getting why it comes up or why there is a feeling it “has to.” Is there a need to know? One of my daughters currently has a girlfriend (I like her but don’t think the relationship will last, no one knows what D’s next move will be, including her.) If we went to visit relatives, I wouldn’t feel the need to state it, outright. I’d tell them she is set to graduate, about her job interests- we have so much to talk about.</p>
<p>I want to be delicate on the following: there are lots of aspects to sexual preference. We don’t tell everyone how or what or when. It depends on the context, the conversation- and sometimes really is TMI. I want everyone to find happiness. I don’t see my D as “different.” Look, she’s also an atheist (very important to her, in her developing world understanding- it is “who she is”) and the relatives are church-going, a few are evangelical. I wouldn’t take any aside and say, look, she doesn’t believe. </p>
<p>If I am off track, I would humbly read other opinions.</p>
<p>I think there’s some disconnect here between what should be true in an ideal world and what actually is true. I hope we get to a day where sexual orientation will be about as relevant an identifier as being right or left handed and there will be no need to “come out” in any formal sense. But we don’t live in that world yet. In certain places and in certain settings, I think we’ve gotten there when it comes to telling acquaintances. Aside from my high school best friend, I can’t think of anyone who has given the whole “there is something I have to tell you…” speech to me; in other cases, it has just been a casual mention of a girlfriend or boyfriend, or something that came up casually in conversation. Yet, I still think it would be strange for a guy to just throw out a quick “Oh, by the way, I’m dating Matthew” to close relatives or friends, because for better or worse sexual orientation is still a major issue in our society.</p>
<p>While individual LGBT people may be more or less involved in the wider community, being gay can also be a big part of someone’s identity, so it isn’t necessarily easy or desirable to just keep quiet until it becomes impossible to avoid. I don’t introduce myself with “Hi, I’m apprenticeprof and I’m Jewish,” but if anyone who I had known for any length of time didn’t know that about me, it wouldn’t be because it just never came up, but because I had deliberately purged any references to my religion from conversation. It is just too big a part of my life for those around me NOT to know, unless I made a conscious effort to avoid the subject, which OP’s son should not have to do.</p>
<p>Of course, he is under no obligation to tell his grandparents anything, especially if they are homophobic, but if he wants to there is nothing wrong with an announcement; in fact, it is probably the most reasonable way to do it.</p>
<p>". The kids only have one set of living grandparents. They are remarkably anti-gay, which has me in knots. S will be coming out to them in the spring. H says not to worry, but how do I not? "</p>
<p>I would be in knots too. </p>
<p>What occurs to me that if my kid was gay, and the grandparents were anti-gay, I think I would take it upon myself (with kid’s permission) to inform the grandparents accordingly, and make it clear that if they can’t accept and love kid for what he is, or if they feel compelled to snark or be nasty or whatever, we will be out of their lives - so choose wisely. I would want my kid to know I feel that strongly about supporting him. I don’t think I’d want him to twist in the wind. </p>
<p>I agree that the child – not in-law or grandchild of the prejudiced grands should proceed as Pizzagirl explained. Have heard wonderful things about PFLAG and think they would be helpful. </p>
<p>Every family is different. I agree with pizzagirl and did my best to shield our child from anti-gay relatives. Our nuclear family cut off contact with close relatives who insisted on debating gay rights in our presence, even after we had told them we this behavior was hurtful to all of us. We did not see it as our son’s responsibility to adapt himself to the prejudices of relatives. We can’t protect him out in the world but can insist his home be a safe place. His straight brothers were the ones who brought the behavior to my attention and were incredibly indignant and extremely protective of him during this time.</p>
<p>When our son came out to us he was still in his teens. He said he wanted to make it known because anything else felt dishonest, but he didn’t want to make a series of big announcements. In discussing the situation with me, he decided the easiest way to handle it might be to just wait till he actually was involved with someone and then answer any questions with, “Yes, of course I’m gay.” Following his lead, I only made “announcements” to my siblings who would take over his care if something happened to my husband and me. It was already clear to them he was gay. The only new information was that he had come out to us. He came out to all his cousins and friends. They already knew this about him and struggled to react appropriately. How surprised should they act? Should they tell him this was no surprise at all? He had been out to his siblings since forever. </p>
<p>When relatives or friends asked if the boys were dating or had girlfriends, I would just say one son was looking for a boyfriend. Some relatives never again asked another thing about his personal life and have avoided the entire topic for more than a decade. Most were very supportive. I think it helps to give relatives a heads-up. They may pleasantly surprise you if they aren’t caught off-guard with an announcement. It is not that unusual for anti-gay relatives to become big supporters of gay rights when it becomes an issue for someone they love.</p>
<p>The world is changing really fast. My kids and their friends don’t assume anyone is straight. They would never ask about boyfriends or girlfriends. They would ask some sort of open-ended question about romantic interests. When they were all very into dancing, the gay and straight kids used to take turns going all together to the clubs that catered to their interests. I found that rather fascinating. I wonder if gay clubs will be a quaint relic of the past for our grandchildren’s generation.</p>
<p>ETA: I think maybe you owe it to the grandparents and your son to tell them beforehand. Everything I read says it is up to the child to choose how to come out. However, the child is always going to remember the grandparents’ reaction. The grandparents will have to live with the guilt if they hurt the child. Maybe you can spare everyone the ordeal you are anticipating. I don’t know… just a thought. Good luck and hug your son for me!</p>
<p>Maybe the issue is that by having D bring her BF it will more likely trigger conversations about older brother’s love life? I don’t think the conversation will be: “poor S, he’ll have so few boys to choose from”. I think the concern is that the conversation will be something like: “poor S, why is he gay? What did you do to cause that? Can’t he just not be gay? It would be so much easier.”</p>
<p>I had another thought. If I were the mom of the boyfriend, I would prefer you not invite my son on this trip if there was the potential for family drama and conflict. I don’t think that is fair, unless you have explained the situation to the boyfriend and his parents and they are okay with it.</p>
<p>^Why thank you :). D and her BF are so joined at the hip these days that we can hardly get a minute in edgewise ;). His parents are both immigrants, so that may have some bearing on their positions. After much talk with H, we’ve decided to invite the BF and then it will be up to him and his parents to decide if it’s acceptable for him to go. S will deal. </p>
<p>The relatives will deal (one group once took their NANNY on vacation with them and often take friends of their kids along, so they can’t have much to say). We expect these (sibling) relatives to take S announcement in stride. The only thing that would make things better is if S also had an SO to bring along, so it seemed more balanced. But I’m really hopeful that he will at least have some more “friends” by then. He’s smart, funny, fairly attractive, and generally adorable!</p>
<p>Congrats on you and H reaching a decision that you are happy with. Hope you have a wonderful trip and that the relatives are thoughtful of your kids. Hope you and H will consider PFLAG and H speaking with his folks and relatives to help make the path smoother for your S. </p>
<p>Time for an update! Returned this week from a whirlwind 12-day trip to the west coast. Dragged D’s BF along. Dropped S with friends in California to extend his vacation by another 3 days. Comments:</p>
<p>1) Regarding sleeping arrangements, we stayed in Vacation Rentals or with relatives all but one night, so there were plenty of spaces. S and The BF kind of took turns taking the least desirable spot. The one night in a single room was slightly awkward, but we managed.</p>
<p>2) Spending that much time with The BF allowed us to get a better sense of both him and of their relationship. Noticed a few things that were irksome/interesting, but overall it was okay.</p>
<p>3) Something no one mentioned – D and BF tended to isolate themselves from the “group” more often than I would have liked. This was a big concern of mine prior to the trip and I had discussed it with her. Nonetheless, I often discovered them to have wondered off together, not spending time with us or with the cousins. At one point, I felt it necessary to pull her aside and mention it.</p>
<p>4) With one set of relatives, the parents and older children know S is gay, but apparently the younger ones didn’t. Interesting to see what they chose to mention to whom. With the other set, we hadn’t seen them recently and were not sure if they knew or not. No one mentioned it and S didn’t make any announcement to them. Their oldest D (not there) knows, but may not have told the rest of them.</p>
<p>5) SIL said she felt that The BF caused D to not be her usual bubbly self, but she doesn’t see D that often so don’t know if that’s true or if it’s just D getting more mature.</p>
<p>I am just now seeing this. Funny our D is gay and her GF joined up on our 5 day family trip this summer. It was not an issue with little brother, grandparents or extended family. My mom assigned them the third bedroom in our rented house and DS slept on the couch with the dog :o3 </p>
<p>^Glad things more or less worked out, OP. I’d be interested in hearing what types of things you were able to notice about the BF or about their relationship which you found irksome in the period of 12 days.</p>
<p>^Little things mostly. BF is virtually an only child. Perhaps a bit spoiled? Generally very polite, but didn’t say a whole lot or interact as much as some kids would. I have some concerns about how insular their relationship seems. </p>
<p>Maybe he’s just shy? I’m a shy introvert and don’t interact much with people unless I’m very close with you- especially if everyone else knows each other and I’m the outsider. </p>
<p>I think that his age probably has a lot to do with it. Just 18? This is probably his first serious relationship, and it, as well as the whole family thing, can be pretty overwhelming. If the kids were 8- 10 years older and still not trying to be more part of the group, I’d be more concerned.</p>
lol</p>