<p>I have to confess too - my oldest turns 21 in April. I was going to take her to Las Vegas. It sounded fun, she is finally able to go to the casinos with me but you all have me second guessing my thought. My husband hates that sort of thing and so it sounded like a fun place to go -she and I both love to travel. She would rather have a princess party - invite a bunch of her friends - watch Disney movies all night- and maybe, maybe have one drink - she has never had anything even when I have offered. And no, she is not doing it on her own, she is just not into the party scene at all. I think she needs to get out of her comfort zone but I am just a Mom so what do I know.</p>
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<p>The only thing amazing to me about that story is that you let a total stranger go on and on to you about anything for an entire hour!</p>
<p>When S2 turned 21, DH thought we should go visit him at college to take him out for his birthday. My reaction: “Did you spend your 21st birthday with your parents?” I couldn’t imagine my son would really want to be with us on his 21st birthday, and he was going to be home 2 weeks later anyway.</p>
<p>S1 rescued us by visiting his brother for his birthday. “This is something an older brother should do.” Thank you S1. We arranged for a birthday cake and paid back S1 for dinner, but it was more appropriate and more enjoyable for S2 than if we’d been there.</p>
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<p>Ain’t that the truth! Back in the dark ages of the '70s, I and three friends had found an apartment a block from campus to live in sophomore year. We did it all ourselves, no parents involved. Until move in day! Well, two of the moms practically fainted when they saw what their darling daughters had committed to, with one absolutely refusing to allow her D to move in. She and her D immediately went over to the housing office and demanded (and received!) a single room in one of the dorms. We still laugh about that when the group of us gets together. It was a great student apartment and I lived there with various roommates (and future H) for the rest of my time in school. </p>
<p>Having been through that, I didn’t interfere with any of my Ds when they were choosing campus or off-campus housing, and held any negative comments I might have felt. The truth is that most moms go a little crazy when their kids go off to college. In my experience, it’s more the moms of Ds but that may just be because of the particular moms I know. The good news is that you do survive it, and thankfully, so do they. :)</p>
<p>I don’t want a say in my adult child’s decisions. I have enough fun dealing with my own mistakes. </p>
<p>I don’t want to know everything my son has done or thought or will do or think. I would not want to have to make these things about me known to anyone else.</p>
<p>I don’t want to claim any part of my son’s successes. Parenting is what I chose to do as a person, it is not a merit badge.</p>
<p>I don’t want to do my adult son’s stuff of daily living since he is capable of doing it. Taking care of another adult is a path that often leads to disappointment and resentment. Plus, you are not doing any future significant other of your child any favors if you do this stuff for the adult child.</p>
<p>I don’t want to fight my adult son’s battles. He learns by doing. I will be dead someday and would no longer be there to do so.</p>
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I don’t see why this would horrify you or remind you of hazing. </p>
<p>My family wasn’t forcing drinks down the birthday person’s throat. We are family. Each person bought them a drink. On our lad outting the birthday girl had 4 or 5 drinks to sample and try. The family members were drinking as well. They could choose to drink it all or just taste it. If the birthday person didn’t want anything to drink, then they wouldn’t drink. </p>
<p>How could this come off as hazing? It’s your family that is taking you out on your 21st birthday.</p>
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<p>My family heavily pressured me to drink, even though I don’t like to. They always disapproved of me because I avoided alcohol, and they disapproved of the fact that the man I married doesn’t drink, either.</p>
<p>In my family, this would have felt like hazing. I would have had people who were important to me – including those who were paying my college tuition – heavily pressuring me to do something I didn’t want to do. And I probably would have done it.</p>
<p>Fortunately, I was away at college when I turned 21, and nothing like it happened. (And in my time, the drinking age was 18 anyway.)</p>
<p>Well, this was not your family. No pressuring was involved. Just family members who enjoyed each other’s company and celebrating a birthday.</p>
<p>I’m glad it was a nice experience for your family. </p>
<p>I’m also glad that this isn’t a widespread societal custom, because there are also families like mine.</p>
<p>For us, the helicoptering started abating about halfway into D’s sophomore year. What I think did it was me actively forcing myself to hold back on the “helping/advising”, and allowing D to prove her competence, which she did, through a number of small and middling tribulations. Then she continued proving it by managing to navigate, feed herself and work in NYC with only minimal startup help from me over the summer. </p>
<p>At some point, kids need to experience some level of push-back from the world to grow themselves up. Parents can’t do it for them even though they might have the best of intentions. I’m glad to see the son was having a good and normal reaction to his mother’s stifling attempts to control his destiny. If the mom doesn’t let up by the time the son has officially chosen his major it might be a good idea for her to talk to someone (hey, maybe even to folks like us here at CC!) about the virtues of letting go from both the parent’s perspective as well as the kid’s.</p>
<p>Good thoughts 07dad - I have often told my d “there are just some things you don’t tell your mother.” </p>
<p>But on the other hand - I don’t mean to make anyone else second guess their Vegas plans. I was just really surprised that this was such a big trend that the two people I know who happen to have daughters turning 21 at the same time mine is, both took the d’s (and families) to Vegas. It was eyeopening for me. And I was trying to figure out if sending her money was okay or if I needed to get some significant unaffordable piece of jewelry or something.</p>
<p>I would accuse the mother in the OP of helicoptering, but in many cases what appears to be helicoptering may depend on the context. In our own case, our oldest started college this fall. She left 2 weeks early for special program - flew alone for the first time, with a connection in Dallas. Her father flew out a week later on a business trip (scheduled that way on purpose) so he could be there for new student orientation with her.</p>
<p>That weekend he took her shopping (a task neither one enjoys - had I been the one to go, I probably would have been at BB&B alone, making all the decisions, but not necessarily asking for advice from strangers. Then again, I might have asked an opinion or 2 of a few locals. </p>
<p>Here’s where I almost earned the label of “helicopter mom” though I ended up resisting the urge. DD flew from CT to CO, with a change of planes in Dallas. Her father put her on a plane in the morning, and that was the last we heard from her - for almost 2 weeks! Yes, she is 18 and an adult, but it would have been nice to know she got there! I didn’t fret too much, because I assumed if she didn’t show up for her program someone would have called the house to ask why. A week later her sister saw a post on facebook saying she had enjoyed a trip that weekend with her program, but no responses to several emails we had sent during the week. I seriously considered contacting the director of her program to have them ask her to call home. I’m sure they would have found it amusing, and considered me a helicopter mom, and she did finally email us when we explicitly requested a response (and suggested we would call the director). She does have a cell phone, but it was turned off all week, and we know she hates telephones (I know, strange for a member of her generation). This is not a case of a child wanting nothing to do with the family, but of one who simply doesn’t think of our need to be even remotely involved. </p>
<p>So, it really depends on the circumstances, and the student involved. </p>
<p>In the case of the OP’s story, clearly the son is not letting the mother control his life, or he would have been at dinner with her every night. Too bad he let her monopolize the conversation at the alumni event, but he probably didn’t feel comfortable trying to do what nobody else seemed able to do either.</p>
<p>It seems to me that the son in the OP’s story was behaving in a way that we here in this forum often advise kids to behave when they have “overcommunicating” parents. I guess we’re now seeing that there can be collateral damage from that advice.</p>
<p>I do think we occasionally deserve merit badges. :)</p>
<p>Of course parental involvement is needed but young adults need to be given room to make mistakes and fail sometimes. Picking the wrong classes or ECs or dorms or missing flights is all par for the course and at school the risk of failure is relatively low – maybe you’re stuck at the airport and miss a day of classes or maybe you get stuck in a bad class for a semester; way better to figure out the consequences of decisions before you start picking careers, houses to buy etc. where you’re stuck with your decisions for more than 6-12 months.</p>
<p>Am I the only one who thinks it sounds incredibly rude for the son to bail on his mother like that when she lives across the country? I mean, if my parent traveled hundreds or thousands of miles to see me, I wouldn’t completely blow them off.</p>
<p>Or you could just try to be more genuine. Instead of smiling and nodding and judging, engage. “sounds like you’ve done a great job as a mom…don’t you think it is important for them to find their own way”. “The world changes once they go away…what’s next for you?”</p>
<p>Sometimes you tick people off, sometimes you change the direction of the conversation and find out new things.</p>
<p>Psyche_ its only been 3 weeks and Mom is already there? sounds like some boundaries are in order and the son is not the confrontational type.</p>
<p>Psyche- I guess the son might have tried to have one meal with Mom, but really, after only 3 weeks at school, MOm needs to back off. I would never show up at my kid’s school and expect them to hang out with me, especially when they are still adjusting to school. Sounds like this kid went across country for a good reason, and it was not to hang out with his Mom! Our youngest (of 4) son just moved in to school Sat. and starts school tomorrow. We have it down to a science now and really took a minimal amount of stuff. He had no interest in picking out bedding, so as a joke we brought home a “Cars” bedspread, along with a plain one. He just shrugged his shoulders and said whatever. </p>
<p>I sympathize with AJ- I don’t have much patience for overbearing parents either. While I am polite, I try to distance myself ASAP! We have not heard a word from our son yet except for a quick text-“I could live here forever and just surf and play soccer. Not sure if I’ll go to class Thurs. Love u”. Hopefully he is joking.</p>
<p>I am guessing the DS was p!$$ed but is not the type to confront – yes, she’s an alum of the school and has every right to attend an alumni conference, but she had to attend THIS one – which fell just 3 weeks after move in? There is another one in April-May, what was so special about this one for her; he could have been thinking “she’s only here to check on me” and avoided her. She was genuinely upset that he did not invite her to his pick-up football game with the guys; meanwhile he’s just moved from across the country probably knowing no one on campus and is trying to adjust to his dorm, make friends etc and the last thing he wants is for the guys to mock him because his mommy is there cheering him on at a pick-up game, so right or wrong, he ignores her. I can see a 19 yr old boy acting that way.</p>
<p>Takitallin - that’s hysterical.</p>