<p>This has been going on for close to twenty years and I thought I’d finally worked thru the pain and resentment and general yuck feelings it has caused me but I’m finding that my DD’s upcoming graduation from high school is opening the old wound again.</p>
<p>So here’s the deal – my parents seemed to grow more unfriendly and downright rude as our kids got older and started to have some very nice academic achievements. My siblings kids are really happy, nice kids but have had a rocky time graduating from high school and college. When my first kid graduated from high school my parents chose to attend the graduation of a cousin rather than his. This cousin was graduating a year late and was not accepted at any 4-year colleges. Now my younger one is graduating high school and a cousin is finally graduating from college after seven years. Huge big deal with my parents. They are traveling a long ways to attend, as are my siblings and their families. No one has even asked what our daughter will be doing after graduation. There’s just no interest whatsoever.</p>
<p>It’s all complicated, of course. I’m the only daughter, my siblings are male and my parents seem to to think their male childrens’ children are the most important. On top of that, my DH and I were late bloomers financially, spent many years at a relatively low income and then gradually began to prosper a bit. We are by no mean rich but my family has seemed to have trouble with the fact that I’m no longer the “poor one” in the family. My DH and I were in grad school for what seemed an eternity, making very little and my family seemed to like us a lot during those years. I feel as if it bothers them that all our years in education actually did pay off. They just can’t accept it.</p>
<p>I’m just pretty hurt about this but it will pass. Have decided to delete my Facebook account because all the messages flying back and forth over my nephews graduation celebrations frankly make me feel like crap!</p>
<p>Is it okay to just basically cut the cord with the family you grew up in? When exposure to them just makes you feel lousy all the time? I honestly feel like my parents and siblings would be glad if something bad happened to me and my kids. It’s a horrible feeling but it’s the truth.</p>
<p>Sewhappy, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I understand, I really do. And my answer to you is that yes you can sever the ties or limit them so severely that the people have no ability to hurt you anymore. I did this with my sister (who pretty much raised me) last year and I am a totally new person. I will occasionally have tiny contact with her, such as to congratulate her on the birth of a grandchild, but I don’t tell her anything about my life or my kids’ lives so I can’t be hurt anymore. The unexpected benefit to this is that I made it clear to the extended family that this would be my choice and I’ve become incredibly close to my brother’s oldest daughter (she is near my age) and his daughter-in-law. So I cut out of my life people who brought only unhappiness and found within my own family people who are a gift.</p>
<p>I think you are on the right path by deleting the Facebook account and limiting contact. Make the upcoming graduation the magical experience it should be with people who really want to celebrate. You can’t fix those relationships and you can’t change how they deal with you and your kids, but you can absolutely choose not to be confronted by it. Good luck and congratulations on your wonderful kids!</p>
<p>Have you ever confronted your parents about this? I guess I can’t imagine not ever commenting on this in all these years. I would have called my parents on the carpet about something like that after the first few times it became obvious.</p>
<p>sew, I’m so sorry. I know what it’s like to be the unwanted grandchild. My biological grandmother has paid for many of my cousins to go overseas to Paris and such and she’s never so much as sent me a birthday card. </p>
<p>Yes, it’s OK to cut the cord. “Family” is what you’re technically born in to, but family obligations should be equal. If they’re not willing to do that, then there’s no reason for you to continue suffering. However, REAL family is what you make it- not blood. Just get that negativity out of your life and move on. Delete the Facebook account, or create a new one using a slightly different name (many people use first and middle to avoid being “found”) and set it to private if you want to use it to keep in touch with your kids and such. </p>
<p><em>hugs</em>. Honestly, some people just suck.</p>
<p>It is frustrating when the cousins of your kid are treated better than your kid. I think it is wrong and injust.</p>
<p>Others have said to ignore it, which I try to do. But I’ll never be able to ignore it to myself. I will always observe. I just try to not let it show.</p>
<p>In my family, my brother in law was considered to be extremely intelligent and smart; however, he has struggled at basic life skills like brushing his teeth and showering. Regardless of how smart you are, you don’t get very far in your career if you don’t shower or brush your teeth.</p>
<p>I’ve been extremely successful in my career (same field as brother-in-law) and was also considered smart when I was young. </p>
<p>If I talk about work with my mother in law, she feels bad at her own childs failures at his career, and does her best to ignore my successes. And no doubt, this feeling will also translate to grandchildren. </p>
<p>Thank you zoosermom and Nrsd4 – when it first started happening a number of years ago I kept trying to figure out what I was doing to provoke it and I felt terribly guilty. My father was quite the disciplinarian – a lot of corporal punishment growing up – and so it took me years to finally gain some perspective on how they were treating me and my own family. I did confront them a few times. It was just too painful though. My mom gets it. She really does and has admitted so to me but she is very dependent on my dad and basically her whole ego is tied up in being his wife so to confront him on this is unthinkable to her. She essentially has made a choice to conform to his will on this.</p>
<p>I really like your insight, Zoosermom, on ending ties to family that hurt you and thus finding gifts among other relations. That is starting to be true for me. Some members of my extended family that my dad and tacitly mom disparaged and avoided – an aunt in particular – are turning out to be loving and supportive people in my lives. The common thread, crude as it sounds, is success. This aunt is well educated, married a lovely man and her kids have been stable and just linear in moving through their education and then onto careers. Pleasant homes, nice lives. I really think my dad is a person who cannot stand to not be the most successful person in any context, especially among family. The dysfunction flows from him but I can’t change him, that’s certain.</p>
<p>we had this problem in my family. My sister and I would complain that my mom showed ridiculous favoritism to my brothers and their kids…at the expense of our kids. It was sooooo annoying.</p>
<p>Then, my mom had a major stroke about 6 years ago and that part of the brain was destroyed, and from then on the issue was GONE. lol (My bros were so annoyed at the huge loss of favoritism.)</p>
<p>Not that I’d wish for someone to have a stroke…</p>
<p>Sorry to hear. It can be very difficult for family members to adjust to a change in roles that have been established for years and years, not that it’s okay. There can be definite resentments. Families need to understand that situations, circumstances, income, positions, etc. change. Those deep-rooted roles are difficult to shake. When I send out emails telling of some good news or an achievement of one of my sons, there are certain family members I never hear any response from. It can be hurtful to be on the receiving end. Just be glad you are not the resentful one. And it is definitely fine and healthy to distance yourself.</p>
<p>Sew- I am sorry for your situation. I think many of our families are “complicated.” I, too, like what zoosermom said: So I cut out of my life people who brought only unhappiness and found within my own family people who are a gift.</p>
<p>I was able to do the same with one unbelieveably ridiculous sister-in-law, but do need to see my in-laws from time to time. I have learned to manage my time with them in a way that I can feel okay about (cordial and inclusive) without letting them get to me with their negativity and favoritism. Fortunately, these individuals are offset by some truly amazing family and friends that are a blessing every day. I won’t change the sister or parents in law, but I have changed how they affect me. </p>
It’s not crude at all. If you think of it, the dark underbelly of success can sometimes be envy. In my family’s case, my sister is the mose envious, jealous, covetous human being I have ever met. She begrudges everyone everything they may have or attain, no matter how small.</p>
<p>I am so sorry that you are going through this sewhappy. Family can be very frustrating and downright hurtful. I deactivated my facebook account a couple of years ago due to in-laws and extended family. I just couldn’t take it. I found I did miss the interaction with friends that didn’t live nearby, seeing pictures, etc. I reactivated my account and set a number of people to simply not get their updates. That way I didn’t have to see it unless I specifically went to their page. I also restricted them to very basic things on my page so they didn’t see each and every update or picture I posted. I didn’t have to deal with them on facebook, but I didn’t have to go through the confrontation of unfriending them either. </p>
<p>It certainly isn’t a permanent solution if you choose to cut them out of your life, but it does make facebook a less stressful place for you to be. After all, why should you leave if there are aspects that you would enjoy if you didn’t have to be bombarded by your family? Wishing you the best of luck!</p>
<p>I am sorry you have this in your family sew happy. But it isn’t you or your kids, it is them. You aren’t alone in experiencing this.
My mother tried very hard not to play favorites, although my brother has always been the favored child, just because of chromosomes. My sister has 5 kids, my brother has 3, from two marriages.</p>
<p>We just have two kids, including the first grandchild on both sides. My inlaws jusT have one other grandchild, but they didn’t attend any of my kids events growing up, they did attend oldests high school graduation, but not the high school graduation of youngest.</p>
<p>It gets pretty tiring, trying to support your kids through their grandparents passive aggressive behavior.</p>
<p>CTTC, she probably sends out emails about her children because other family members do the same and are congratulated for doing so and it’s natural to expect equal treatment for your own kids. FWIW, I stopped sharing this type of information with my parents and siblings a couple of years ago. When my older one graduated from college, I did let them know and they did not acknowledge the event in the slightest. I did not suggest they might want to attend commencement. I knew better. There was no gift or acknowledgement of any kind. With my younger one, I did phone and tell them of her early acceptance at a school she adores. There was no sharing in our daughters joy whatsoever. The vibe was very much – we have to listen this and don’t want to.</p>
<p>I’m inching toward the liberation of a near total break with them beyond cursory acknowledgements of birthdays, etc. They have not acknowledged my birthday or either of my kids’ birthdays in many years. </p>
<p>Golly – as I write this I feel kind of ashamed to be the child of people like this. Is this an inkling of the abuse syndrome? It is so hard to see it for what it is, let alone tell others about it. You feel ashamed.</p>
<p>Oh well. There are certainly worse problems in life. It just has to burn thru me for a bit and then I’ll be fine.</p>
<p>When my father-in-law died and left his estate to his second wife, my husband (one of two children) said: “My dad never did anything for me when he was alive, why would he do anything when he is dead?” </p>
<p>My older child was 16 and the younger 13 and grandpa had never attended a single sporting, music or any other type of event for our kids. Yet the second wife’s kids went on and on at the funeral about what a great grandpa he had been. It stinks, but it was his loss.</p>
<p>My MIL was another one who couldn’t be bothered. It used to really hurt our feelings that she would say she was coming to an event and then not show up or agree to babysit and blow us off. When my son was 4 he was critically injured in an accident and she lived down the block from the hospital. She told us that she walked past on her daily walk but didn’t stop in to see him because the weather was too nice. To be fair to her, she should never have been married or had kids, but in her generation there were no options. Her relationships were with her sisters and lady friends. She died at her sister’s house (wonderful woman who was caring for her) and at the funeral all we heard from the sister’s grandkids was how wonderful she was. My oldest daughter politely said “we wouldn’t know” and left it at that. When she was alive, MIL was aware that my kids were closer with my family and even with her sister. At some level it did bother her. All you can do is take the high road in a way that protects you and your kids.</p>
<p>I would back off any communication with these people. My sister and I would do this regularly with my mom after one of her more agregious demonstrations of favoritisms to our brothers and their kids. (of course, the bros vehemently denied any favoritism) </p>
<p>My mom always gave each kid/grandkid equal Grad, B-day and Christmas gifts, but she would cancel plans with her Ds or Ds’ kids if a son or sons’ kids had something come up. It was very hurtful. So, my sis and I would give mom the cold shoulder for awhile until she’d apologize …she’d usually give some lame excuse like, “well, if you make a DIL upset, they’ll never let you see your grandkids.” And, we’d reply that if you make us upset, you’re not seeing our kids then. It never sank in. But, as I said, the first major stroke changed the situation completely. I’ll never forget the first time she refused to cancel plans with me when a bro made a request. The bro was upset and I was amazed. From then on my sis and I enjoyed pointing out to our gobsmacked bros each and every time that mom would have normally done things “their way”, but now refused. </p>
<p>Again, I would back off communications. If they later ask why, tell them the truth. They will deny, deny, deny, so have some of their most undefendable examples on the tip of your tongue to rattle off.</p>