<p>Could there be any part of this that is attributable to celebrating an unexpected milestone instead of an expected one?</p>
<p>My daughter’s graduation from high school wasn’t really a huge “accomplishment.” It was just the natural step in the sequence for her. Had she faced struggles and challenges that left us wondering if she’d actually finish high school, we would have been cheering with joy and relief to see her receive her diploma. As it was, it was more like, “okey dokey, how many more kids after her before we can get out of here?”</p>
<p>On the other hand, we do tend to make a huge fuss over her when she does certain things that come easily to others. (Her sister pointed this out once–quite correctly–at a karaoke night where people clapped wildly for my older daughter who has worked very hard to become a good singer, and barely acknowledged my younger daughter because her ready-for-Broadway sound just doesn’t surprise them any longer.)</p>
<p>Sounds like a good time to learn how to use Facebook filters (see their Privacy Settings) so you can simply ice out whatever isn’t positive for you, but keep the rest. For example you can classify individual relatives whose braggng bothers you as “Acquaintances” but leave whoever makes you happy as “Friends.” When you post, set your settings to post for “Friends but not Acquaintances.” </p>
<p>I’m a big believer in trying to preserve as many relationships as possible from family. Sometimes, though, it’s necessary to cool it with a small handful, for specific reasons. When the chips are down, the good ones will be there for you. I wouldn’t want to lose track of all the family news from the ones I like.</p>
<p>I think most families have this kind of dysfunction to some extent. I wanted to do the emotional equivalent of walking away from my sister, but my dh, the nicest person in the world, persuaded me not to. But I did change how I let her affect me. I would just tell my kids, don’t expect a Christmas present from your aunt, because I never know what she’s thinking. I made sure they knew it was about her, not them. She was jealous of me growing up; she was seven years older than me but was constantly dumping her stuff on me. What was I supposed to do with it at 10? And it wasn’t until about 10 years ago that a SIL told me that she’s just transferred that jealousy to my kids. I think it’s weird that a 56yo woman harbors such ill feelings toward my teen-ager, but whatever. I can’t change her.</p>
<p>Anyway, you can cut them out of your life, which will avoid the day-to-day bad feelings, but, ultimately, you’ve got to figure out a new way to deal with it all rather than just avoidance. I recommend therapy if you haven’t done it already. (((hugs)))</p>
<p>I was my GM’s favorite. Although it was pleasant as a small child to get the extra attention and goodies, by the time I was 10 years old I was very aware that I was being treated differently from my cousins (I’m an only). I’m sure my anuts and uncles were aware of the favoritism too. The special treatment made me feel very uncomfortable, especially when my cousins were around. My GM died when I was 14 years old, so I don’t know how this would’ve played out, but favoritism can lead to bad feelings all the way around.</p>
<p>When it came to my kids’ experiences, they were treated as second-class citizens by my MIL in comparison to my SIL’s kids. DH doesn’t like being confrontational, so he let alot slide with his mother, but even when he tried talking to her, it didn’t help. I know my older son was aware of it. He’s the oldest grandchild and events in his life would be ignored by my MIL and FIL, but then the same events would be acknowleged for my nieces and nephews. Things actually improved after my MIL died 6 years ago; my FIL was much fairer in his attention and gifts.</p>
<p>You need to look out for yourself and your kids. Do what you need to do to decrease your stress and hurt feelings.</p>
<p>sewhappy, OH BOY do I know how you feel! My husband and I both have parents that do this. There is nothing you can do to change them. You have to accept the fact that your kids’ grandparents just… suck. And they will always suck. </p>
<p>The only thing you can do is break the chain with your own kids. We’ve sat both of ours down and apologized for the fact that they never got to have a close relationship with their grandparents, cousins, etc. We explained to them that it wasn’t their fault - that their relatives are just selfish people and can’t help the way they are. And then we promised that things will be very different when they have kids of their own. We promised them that we will be the most awesome grandparents ever - and we intend to keep that promise. (Nothing like learning how to do things right from watching how all the people before you screwed everything up. Just plan on doing the opposite and you can’t go wrong.) </p>
<p>My daughter is graduating from high school next month and my parents, who haven’t seen her in 8 years, told us they can’t possibly come because their cat has diabetes - and it wouldn’t survive without them for 3 days. (In spite of my sister living a few blocks away and being perfectly able to pet-sit, insulin injections and all.) My daughter’s response? “Meh. Who cares? It’ll be more fun with just MY family here anyways.”</p>
<p>“Then why do you keep sending these people the e-mails?”</p>
<p>It’s actually one person, the other I get an occasional response. I don’t always send them. It’s not like it’s a frequent occurrence, but when something is significant, I choose not to exclude and I’ve come to expect no response. I am aware of what that implies and at this point feel more sorry for this person than anything else. There is resentment on this person’s part. Imagine being in a place where you cannot be happy for a family member or close friends success?</p>
<p>Sewhappy (and all) I too am so sorry that this is happening. And, from some of my posts some of you may ascertain that this too has been an issue in our family. </p>
<p>The funny thing about life is: it bites you in the tush. When my fil lay dying none of my kids went to see him. The “favored” one didn’t go either. (He is broke and his parents wouldn’t and couldn’t pay for the $49 ticket…). My mil is very sick and…guess what…the kids don’t call. </p>
<p>And before anyone says that we should “force” them to do the right thing I say this: They excluded my children (and us) from all “family” functions. They set our kids against each other (tried). They didn’t show up at/show interest in any of my kids’ achievements. My fil became angry when he found out that my son was earning more than his son…at 24. (And we didn’t brag or tell anyone. Bil found out at a meeting…from a third party.))</p>
<p>You know, we can look into the psychological whys…but one thing remains: some people have no character.</p>
sewhappy, it’s a good idea for you to back away from these relationships. The stress and hurt of thinking about these things all the time just causes bad things for you while doing nothing to or for them. I know you don’t mean to sound this way, but right now it’s kind of coming out like “my kids are making these great achievements that no one cares about while these other kids are barely able to wipe their butts and everyone is gaga about it”. Not literally, but I’m trying to convey where this kind of resentment leads. It puts you in a position of focusing on the negatives of the nieces/nephews. I know, I’ve been there too in a different way, and it was maddening.</p>
<p>If this family is such that you really are able to minimize contact, then you can step out of the picture and see that you are better off. There are probably other people in your life, even other family, which are more mutually supportive and encouraging.</p>
<p>so basically your dad is jealous of your success and your children’s success…Wow…I guess it is not human nature to want better for your children…so sad.</p>
<p>Boy can I relate. I have cut ties, and it made life a lot easier for me, H and the kids. My mother could not stand to see her own children getting along! If I wrote some of the things she did/said, folks might think they were made up. Some people really DO suck.</p>
<p>Yes, sad. My DH is very successful in business and life in general. My Dad is so proud of him that he actually embarrasses me with how he brags on him and on any accomplishments I and/or our daughters make. I used to see this as a negative, but I’m rethinking my position a little bit. My Dad, for his faults, just loves us all to pieces.</p>
<p>Oh, I"d believe you. I’m sorry this is still painful for some of you. Nothing wrong with getting on with your own life. It’s too much energy to deal with that kind of thing.</p>
<p>I am so sorry. When parents play favorites it hurts all. My former in laws favored the other brother over my ex. Both suffered, but it took the “favorite” much longer to recover. He thought the world owed him a living, went through a number of relationships and jobs, was 50 before he understood how things work.</p>
<p>I can understand that some parents love one child more than others – its how they handle it that matters.</p>
<p>A lot of wisdom on this thread, and a lot of sadness, too. The issue resonates with me because one of my children ranks last in her grandmother’s affections, and it hurts to see her hurt. But I don’t think my situation is as painful as it would if my own parents ignored or denigrated one of my kids; that would be a heartbreaking rejection. In our case, it’s my husband’s mother who seems to actively dislike my d2. My FIL is a genial old guy who probably truly does love each grandchild with all his heart.</p>
<p>I have spent hours wondering about this, and I think several of the issues touched on above are relevant to us. The favored grandchildren are boys, and the children of MIL’s only daughter. The guys have struggled with getting launched - one has serious substance abuse issues. MIL makes repeated comments implying that we, and our kids, have gotten above our proper station, and that we look down on the rest of the family. It’s as if she feels that we’ve rejected her values, and her as well. I think she also resents that we’ve moved away and don’t see them often - though the last several times we’ve visited, she’s said such hurtful things that no one WANTS to visit.</p>
<p>D2 has some impressive accomplishments to her name, which may be why she wound up low grandkid on the totem pole. She doesn’t forgive her grandmother for the many slights there have been over the years. The most recent was tough, though we’ve laughed about it since - at d1’s wedding rehearsal, d2 was presenting her serious boyfriend to her grandparents for the first time. She hadn’t even gotten his name out of her mouth when MIL grabbed FIL’s arm and pulled him away, saying - “Look, there’s Abby!” (my d3). D2 stood there in shock. She told me that, at that moment, she decided to disengage from her grandmother for the rest of all time. She’ll do, too - kid’s got a long memory.</p>
<p>What to do? If my own family treated one of my children this way, and especially if BOTH grandparents were rejecting, I’d probably have to pull way back to save my own sanity. As it is, because the problem seems to belong more to my husband than to me, and because my FIL is a dear man, I’ll support my daughter in her decision to limit her contact with her grandmother to the bare minimum.</p>
<p>What a wasted opportunity. These are great life lessons as we wait around for the grandkids to materialize.</p>
<p>This whole thing seems to usually be difficult. My kids were the oldest grandchildren on both sides and they were golden for awhile. Then there was a natural progression of attention as more kids came along on husband’s side (small family so only 4 more). My kids were the only grandchildren on my side so remained golden until the end with my parents! I do think it is human nature to gravitate to some people more than others. Some grandchildren or nieces and nephews just sometimes seem more likeable than others. Keeping the favoritism to yourself though is usually the key to avoid hurt feelings.
Just to add- my guess that proximity can make a difference in many families. I would imagine it would not be uncommon for grandparents or aunts and uncles to possibly favor those they might see more often or who make more of an effort to visit if they live out of town. We always lived about 8 hours from all grandparents but made many visits when our kids were young so that the kids could have a relationship with their grandparents. The older generation in general was just not as used to having their kids move away . Our generation seems more prepared in general for the realities that kids and grandkids could end up all over the place (and maybe we’ll have a greater willingness to travel to see the kids and grandkids).</p>
Sometimes it can work just the opposite of g-parents shunning the successful, etc. In our case, H and his sibs were at one time all similarly middle class. Then one BIL (out of stater) made a major step up and is now more like one of the 1%. A couple of others (also far away) also had increased successes. For a long time all we heard about was how successful A or B or C was and wasn’t it wonderful (yes) and how we should be more like them (no). And it was like they knew everything about everything just because they were rich. The parenting comments were the worst. BIL/SIL were apparently experts on all parenting matters by virtue of their financial status.</p>
<p>And living close only made that worse, in what I termed the “familiarity breeds contempt” syndrome, we were often criticized for our choices.</p>
<p>Time has improved the situation, and our kids do have the benefit of being closest with their grandparents.</p>
<p>*so basically your dad is jealous of your success and your children’s success…Wow…I guess it is not human nature to want better for your children…so sad.
*</p>
<p>I think it is normal to want better for your kids, but some people are just “damaged goods.” My FIL was very jealous of his kids’ successes and rather satisfied with the ones who never exceeded him. But, he was (in my non-professional opinion) a narcissist.</p>
<p>since we don’t live near my in-laws, we were unaware of the favoritism for a good number of years. For Christmas and B-days, my kids would get the regular $25 check from my H’s parents. They have a lot of grandkids, so we just figured that was what they could afford…totally fine.</p>
<p>Well, one Christmas we spent with them and it was an eye-opener. The daughters’ kids all got fancy gifts from my inlaws…latest Nintendo, Playstations, etc…and the sons’ kids got the $25 checks. Wow… Who could do that without any guilt??? (even my pre-stroke mom never did anything like that…lol)</p>
<p>I was so embarrassed for my kids and the other brothers’ kids. My H was shocked because he had no idea this kind of stuff had been going on. The other brothers told him this was typical. </p>
<p>I don’t have any grandkids yet, but I would kill myself before I treated one/some better than the others. I wouldn’t even treat a step-grandkid differently.</p>
<p>I can relate to being the ill-favored kid. With one side, it was resentment over “rising above my station” by rejecting their snobbing me for not growing up in an upper-middle class suburb, not attending a private school, growing up in a formerly working-class NYC neighborhood during a period when it wasn’t “cool” for their crowd, etc. It also didn’t help that the in-law parent and this side of the family had completely opposite outlooks on many things.*</p>
<p>They were actually quite upset when I ended up getting a near-full ride to Oberlin that actually made attending it less expensive than attending the local CUNY schools they felt were schools “appropriate for me”…and moreso when I graduated with flying colors. Especially when some had kids who not only attended directional state schools despite having the benefit of a private/boarding school education…but even struggled in a lower-tiered directional due to concentrating too much on a party/alcohol double major. </p>
<ul>
<li>I.e. Education as intellectual cultivation/self-improvement for its own sake vs 100% vocational/high-income/riches uber alles/intellectualism-theory is complete waste of time.<br></li>
</ul>
<p>
</p>
<p>In my extended family…especially the one which I tend to clash the most, you’d get more than mere silence if such announcements mentioned academic awards, college/grad school admissions, or degrees earned. </p>
<p>With most older relatives concerned, they’d be offended the announcement makes their kids look bad in comparison and/or it is “crass bragging of the most unseemly sort”. </p>
<p>With some others, offense may be incurred if they feel the announcer is “making far too big deal” of what they considered a “minor accomplishment”. </p>
<p>Recalled one Christmas many years ago when an Uncle told off a distant cousin and his parents for announcing that he just graduated with a Masters in CS because 1. The university which it came from was a directional state university known for its lax academic requirements and 2. There was no thesis nor substantial project requirement…just 90 credits worth of courses which further confirmed my uncle’s low opinion of the degree and the school which issued it. It also doesn’t help that the Uncle’s youngest son just completed a Chemistry Masters degree at Tufts with thesis which was completely paid for by his company.</p>
<p>Family we can’t choose–friends we can. When my family (or in-laws) get to be too much for me, I just “get very busy” until I can handle the dynamics again. People do have a hard time changing whatever their prejudices and dynamics are.</p>
<p>My older & younger sisters keep noting how different they & I are–I would NEVER normally be more than nodding acquaintances with them if not related by blood. They are both somewhat jealous of my kids and keep remarking that they can’t believe or understand how they got to where they are at this point in their lives.</p>
<p>My SIL & I had many challenges in getting along but we both made it work because we love my H and it would have wounded him greatly if we didn’t get along. She has always favored S. I’ve never quite figured out exactly why–perhaps he reminds her most of herself at that age. Fortunately, D & the cousins seem to have taken her favoritism in stride as well as they could. She wasn’t deliberately unkind, but I’m sure it did hurt S’s two cousins and D.</p>
<p>My folks and my MIL & FIL always have tried to be fair. My kids & H say I’m the favorite and they may be right because I’m always available for them to get them out of any jams, as is H. They do try to treat all of us kids & grandkids as fairly and evenly as they can, which we all appreciate. I’m just glad that all of us sibs & my folks get along so well, as do our kids. Our extended family will get together for meals at least a few times/month for holidays, birthdays or no reason.</p>
<p>Sorry for all the folks who have dysfunctional, toxic and cruel families. It must make life much more challenging. I hope you are able to break the cycle and teach your kids by example what it’s like to have a loving family and friends who have unconditional love for all of you.</p>