<p>My MIL and FIL go out of there way to make sure they treat every grand child the same. The spend the exact same amount on gifts for xmas, b-days ect. I can’t imagine the hurt and pain a kid would have seeing another grand child treated better. I personally could and would not tolerate that.</p>
<p>^^^^I agree, geeps.</p>
<p>I think the best thing I have learned from the family dynamics is to do better with my future grandchildren. </p>
<p>In laws never came to anything of my kids, no sports, grandparents day, performances, awards, etc. They were even in town for what was a big deal award for my son, and they chose not to come. They have come to town to see my sil and her family and we didn’t even know they were here. Our “share” of their visit has been meeting in a restaurant for lunch. </p>
<p>I asked them to come watch the kids one time and after the detailed explanation of how as long as this one or that one didn’t need them, they could get their animals taken care of, the weater wasn’t too bad, they’d TRY and do it. A few times of that and I stopped asking.</p>
<p>I think part of it is they feel we’re so together we don’t need them, the others are a mess and need more help.</p>
<p>Now my kids are about grown and they don’t care now if they come or not. I always knew it was the grandparents loss.</p>
<p>My dad favors D1 and my mom favors D2 because due to circumstances they each have spent more time with D1 or D2. They have 6 grandchildren, but they have spent more time with my kids. I am the one who have made a bigger effort in including my parents at my kids’ various important events. We have paid for my parents visits and their vacations with my family. </p>
<p>We would ask them to come to our kids’ graduations by telling them exactly when and ask when we should get the airline tickets. My sister would say, “Son1 is graduating in May. If you are not too busy, maybe you would like to come.” My mom would say to me that they are not sure if the invite was obligatory or if my sister was sincere, and my would decline because they didn’t want to be a burden. Afterward, my sister would complain to me about my parents, and my parents would do the same.</p>
<p>Now my kids are grown, I still remind them to call my parents every once in a while (they get really busy). D1 would send them birthday presents because she is now working, and if she forgot I would send one on her behalf. My parents would brag to their friends about presents my kids send, not what I send.</p>
<p>My niece and nephews are great kids, I always enjoy their company. But I think because my sister and brother have not made as big of an effort in cultivating a relationship with my parents, they are not as close as my kids. My parents generally do not play favorites when it comes to gift giving when everyone is together, but I do know my parents have given more to my kids and it is not something I tell my siblings.</p>
<p>I am reading a lot of obvious favoritism on this thread, which is really bizarre to me. I don’t understand how could parents love one child (or a child’s family) over another.</p>
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<p>Oldfort,</p>
<p>The “not wanting to be a burden” aspect of your parents sounds very much like my mother when my father or I inquired about visiting her relatives. It’s a reason why my mother sometimes doesn’t tell relatives we’re in town and why they sometimes don’t do the same when they’re in NYC. Neither side wants to burden the others with the obligatory feeling of being the "host family"considering we’re all busy with our lives. </p>
<p>No one complains about this either as it works for us. </p>
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<p>This is one area where my extended family is really out of the norm. </p>
<p>Gift-giving in my family has always been viewed as a “privilege” of the elder generation to the younger generations. </p>
<p>If anything, as a younger grandchild/nephew in one side of the family…I’ve actually prompted umbrage/anger from an uncle/aunt whom I usually gotten along great with because they didn’t feel it was right for those from the younger generation to be “giving THEM gifts.”</p>
<p>While I don’t “like it”, I can sometimes understand why sometimes families will have some odd bias towards their sons. Sometimes it’s cultural; sometimes there’s an underlying belief that if the Grands have an economic setback, the sons will rescue them. </p>
<p>My mom doted on the boys because she came from a family that didn’t have men doing any “women’s work.” Inside the house, she’d wait on them hand and foot, never expecting them to even bring a dirty dish up to the sink. That thinking may have been fine in her day since her brothers had a LOT of outside work to do on their farm. But, the logic fell away once she had her own kids and my brothers did NOT have more chores to do outside of the house. In fact, they had far less to do…small yard and 4 brothers to share the quick mow lawn duties…while the 3 girls had daily chores involved with a large home and lots of home-cooked meals. </p>
<p>To this day, when the family gathers for big holiday meals, the boys watch TV or sit around the table and talk, while the girls run around and do everything…cook, serve, and clean up. Ugh!!</p>
<p>mom2, my husband grew up on a farm and it was like that – the boys worked outside and the girls worked inside and all of them worked HARD. But once the farm is gone, they started to fall into the pattern of the woman make the meal, serve the meal, the woman clean up and the menfolk sat around. I was the in-law, with two little boys and I helped my sisters-in-law cook, the meal, serve the meal, all while my husband sat in the front room with his brothers watching TV. After dinner, the men got up and headed for the TV, the woman started clearing the table and I said very loudly “Husband, dear, I am taking the boys to the park. Your mother and sisters could use some help in the kichen. Would some of you women like to join us in an after dinner walk?”<br>
Husband dear got himself into the kitchen along with all his brothers, we women took the kids to the park and went we got home the kitchen was clean. Been that way ever since.</p>
<p>Well, my son knows the downside of being the only grandchild of his four grandparents, with no siblings and no first cousins. Maybe this kind of thing is the upside.</p>
<p>^^^</p>
<p>Good for you! The other men must have been shocked at first. lol </p>
<p>Now that my mom has passed, we could implement something like that. Before that, my mom would have just said, “boys, sit and relax, I’ll clean everything up” (which of course, the women wouldn’t have let her do.)</p>
<p>OP here. Have to say I am just amazed by what a nerve this whole topic seemed to hit. I figured I must be the only one in the world who deals with this! I am really helped by knowing it’s not that uncommon.</p>
<p>No one is blameless in these things. I readily admit that when my husband and I first began to prosper and rise out of our genteel poverty and our kids started getting attention for their school work I was just so shocked by it that I “shared” too enthusiastically with my parents and siblings. It just didn’t dawn on me that they wouldn’t be glad for us that things were going well. Over the years I tried hard to be circumspect and low-key. When we’d visit we’d stay in inexpensive places, rent the economy model car and vote for modest restaurants for the group. I was very circumspect about our kids’ achievements. Invited my parents to son’s high school graduation, not mentioning he was valedictorian. Didn’t matter. They were actually living in the same town at the time but declined to attend. When he made Presidential Scholar and they could have come with us to Washington, DC for the awards programs they again said no, without even giving a reason why. Just NO. And so it’s gone, every year pretty much the same. No birthday remembrances for me or my kids. At Christmas there’s a $100 check for our family in a card that is simply signed “Mom and Dad.”</p>
<p>After awhile you just get the message. It’s just bothering me at the moment because this is my youngest graduating and she handled a really challenging situation of transferring high schools for a family relocation just before junior year and was just so brave and great through it and now is off to a wonderful college that she thoroughly deserves . . . and they can’t even acknowledge it. Instead, they will travel quite a distance to attend a graduation of another grandchild who is a great kid, one I thoroughly like. There is no overlap between the two graduations. I’d love to go see my brother’s kid graduate – but wasn’t invited!</p>
<p>Ah well. One can have worse problems.</p>
<p>I think i may just forget my Dad’s birthday in June, though. I feel entitled to a little spite.</p>
<p>Sewhappy,
It can be irritating when so few recognize sometimes Herculean efforts made by our kiddos when they have triumphed over adversity. In some ways it can be even more annoying when years afterwards they still react incredulously that our kiddos HAVE managed to overcome so much adversity & seem to be moving forward so well and happily. </p>
<p>(My sibs have been jealous of & competitive with our kids for a long time for reasons–perhaps because some of them aren’t thrilled with their jobs while they see mine as more creative & interesting? Their kids are all doing quite well but I still get them making jibes and being surprised at our kids successes.) I just let it go & don’t engage, letting them degrade our kids’ achievements as “luck” or “fluke” because they can’t figure it out any other way to just admire their grit and talents. I am so glad that our kids still have good relationships with my sibs and their cousins, even though some of my sibs have tried to sabbotague those relationships, especially with the cousins.</p>
<p>We all need to do what works for us.</p>