<p>Gradual transition. My older kids are 19 and I don’t think they consider themselves adults, yet. Maybe, if there was a conflict they would pull the adult card just the way they pulled the child card when they didn’t want the responsibility for something at 17 but luckily it’s been pretty smooth lately. Self-supporting is adulthood for us and with one of them that could be a while. We’ll see.</p>
<p>We see the transition as gradual as well…we went from being teachers, to mentors, and then friends. We became mentors around 16-18, and are just now getting to the friend zone at 23-24. It’s kinda neat when your adult kid invites you to visit, and doesn’t ask for anything other than good company and conversation, maybe a little advice on big issues. That’s when they have the pink slip to their lives, I think. That said, when oldest was home between college and job, he slipped right back to his youth and asked permission to go out with some friends. I tried not to giggle, as I never would have even thought to say no. It was a respect thing, and had I said no I think he may have challenged me on it…as he should have ;-)</p>
<p>Age 30. Seriously. 
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<p>"My husband told both our sons: We’re a Catholic, military family. We don’t abort our missions. So far so good … "</p>
<p>I’m trying to figure out that one too. A pun? Or something that has meaning?</p>
<p>As a former military officer, I assert that sometimes it is the wisest and most responsible course of action to abort the mission. </p>
<p>For us, it’s really when the young person is wholly self-supporting. Our S has been shortly before he started his full-time job after graduating from college. He spent the summer in LA, living at various different places and paid all his own expenses. He also helped around the house for the months while he was waiting for his security clearance and before he took himself off on a 6-week trip and prior to driving across the country with his sister to his new place of work. He’s been self-supporting since about 22 or so. (I confess we did keep him on H’s medical insurance family plan until he turned 26 and sometimes pay his AAA. He’s on our family plan for our cell phone because WE chose to keep him on it.)</p>
<p>D on the other hand is still finding her way. She’s 24 and still job hunting (her field is very tough & she’s had chronic health issues). We pay her room, board & spending money. She’s still on H’s health insurance until she turns 26 & also on bro’s AAA & our family plan for cell. We pay all her medical expenses because we want her to continue to get the care so she can optimize recovery from her chronic health condition. [We are OK with continuing to pay for D until she is able to get a job in her field or opts to go back to school to figure out Plan B.]</p>
<p>We have always tried to treat them as befits their age and maturity. They have the courtesy of telling us when they are going to be going out (and guesstimate as to when they’re returning) when they visit us and we do the same when we’re together. It has worked well for us. We are thrilled with the young adults they have become.</p>
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If the child is still being supported by the parents, then they aren’t taking on adult responsibilities and don’t necessarily deserve to enjoy all the privileges. Why should they think they deserve all the privileges in this case?
Seriously, two posters don’t know what this means?</p>
<p>I called myself an adult only when I started a permanent job and was self-supporting. Even then it was difficult, and even disconcerting, to think of myself as an adult.</p>
<p>As long as my children are in college I will call them “students”. When they graduate and get jobs, they will become adults.</p>
<p>You are not an adult until you move your stuff out of your parents attic/garage. </p>
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If a child is still being supported by the parents, they very well could be taking on certain adult responsibilities. Just because they are being helped in some way by the parents does not mean they aren’t an adult in some fashion. Adult responsibilities could be taking care of you health, getting your education, making personal and family decisions, budgeting for the now and future. The kid may not be maintaining their apartment or paying their own phone bill, but the kid is still an adult. They are treated as one. </p>
<p>Now, do they “deserve” all the privelages? No, but then again I never said they did.They are still attached to the parents in some fashion. There is still some sort of dependency. The parents aren’t going to treat the child as a child until they are self supporting at the age of 20…or 24. Their child is a young adult and they will be treated so. </p>
<p>There are adult deadlines for all sorts of purpose. For most, it’s age 18, but you still can’t legally drink, are not adult for FAFSA on a pure age basis, can’t rent a car from a lot of agencies, and you can still be considered an adult earlier in most states for getting married, being tried for some heinous crime. So there is no absolute age for every single situation. When it comes to parent/child relations ship, I’m still not an adult in many ways in the eyes of my soon to be 90 year old mother.</p>
<p>I tell my older kids who are on the other side of 25, that I consider them adults when they are paying their own way fully and carrying their own weight in life. Like having a job that meets their needs, not needing a lot of financial help. Also throw in their, acting immature is an issue too, along with parental predjudice I admit But for most all intents and purpose, once they are out of college, society , at least the community around here considers them adults. There is a special quasi status conferred on those still doing full time school, for whatever reason. </p>
<p>Yes, when you need money or consideration from a parent to do things in life you may well not be treated as an adult by them. </p>
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<p>I would prefer it if my son doesn’t get his girlfriend pregnant until they’re ready to start a family, but he understands that whether or not his girlfriend terminates an unexpected pregnancy isn’t really up to him. </p>
<p>In my parents house, if I’d come home late at 25, yes I would have been grounded! In my house that would mean taking the car since they provided my first car-- they can’t force me to stay in the house but they can prohibit me from driving a car that’s in their name. If I’d owned my own car I would have been living in it if I’d come home late enough times.</p>
<p>Now, I don’t necessarily agree with this, tensions ran incredibly high while I was living at home. We did not like each other much until I’d moved out. But, those were the rules. When I met my fiance my mom just <em>knew</em> we were going to get married and the curfew was loosened up while I was with him, I ended up moving in with him two months later anyway. Which while it sounds risky wasn’t so bad since my parents kept my room ready for me in case I needed to go home, I had nothing to lose. My lack of freedom was irritating but I really did appreciate the safety net as a young recent grad. </p>
<p>When I moved out my parents “gifted” me that car, but it was still in their name and they would not let me change it, or legally change my address, because they had my sister rated on that car for their insurance. They didn’t want the insurance company to know me and that car were not still living at home. I had to deal with forwarding my mail and having the wrong address on everything all over the place for a year, any time I ordered something online I’d get a call holding up my order because my billing and shipping addresses were different. We fought over it like crazy, I was so mad. But, when it broke down 6 months after I moved out, my parents did what they said they would not do and paid for all the repairs for me-- which they would not have done if it had been “my” car, so there’s a trade off there.</p>
<p>It was a mixed blessing when that car broke down and I was forced to buy my own whether I could afford it or not. I really couldn’t but we found a way to make it work when we had to, and that was the last bit of “strings attached” left. </p>
<p>My parents considered us adults at 18. They said we were old enough to make our own decisions, although we still asked for advice and my father sometimes asked if he could offer some. We knew we always had a home to go to, and several of us moved home for short periods between jobs, or colleges, or to live at home to attend a commuter college. My parents never charged us for food or rent. They never questioned our coming and goings, although we let them know when to expect us so they didn’t worry. We all went to college and got jobs. Some worked locally and lived nearby, others made lives further from home. When my parents could no longer drive, we took them to doctor’s appointments, on errands, day trips, and vacations. When they retired, they spent winters with my siblings who live in nicer climates than what NYS has to offer. After my father passed away and my mother could no longer live on her own, my husband and I moved her into our home. We didn’t involve ourselves in her business unless she asked. I think my mother was right when she said you’ve been successful as a parent when your kids can stand on their own, but there’s no hard, fast rule for what age they’ll be when they get there. </p>
<p>Ema, wow. I can see how tensions ran high. The car situation is handled differently by my mom. Me and my siblings still live at home. We are all above the age of 18. We are able to go wherever we want, whenever we want (within reason). We don’t have a curfew. Her main concern when we come home late is that we are safe, not the hour at which we come back. My mom trusts that our judgment is good enough to make good decisions and she trusts that we understand the repercussions that may come from our decision.</p>
<p>I’m still trying to figure out how to get my 86-year-old mother to treat ME like an adult. But I agree that with our kids it’s been a gradual transition, without much drama. The drama about being treated as an adult came long, long before they were actually adults.</p>
<p>Financial support always comes w strings attached…</p>
<p>Unless the only other option would be to live on the streets, I would not have lived at home if at 25 I would have been grounded. No wonder things were tense at home, Ema! And the whole car control thing-ugh! I took public transportation for a year after splitting from my abusive partner years ago rather than choose a cushy life and a car. I think that would have been my choice if my parents had acted like yours. Then again, my dad just handed me the keys to his extra car when I had to move for a job in a place with no public transportation. No strings attached-and I will forever be grateful.</p>
<p>With the economy and job markets being what they are, lots of “adults” are depending on their parents. </p>
<p>There really was no alternative for me-- but I wasn’t at home for long after I turned 18. I think I was 23 when I moved out and I’d only been home for an extended period of time for the first 2 years after high school while I commuted to CC, and 8 months after college graduation. You pick your battles, I didn’t have to pay any rent in that time and until I got my post-college job they gave me gas money, so in some ways they were spoiling me. </p>
<p>I never did understand the curfew, though, because that was really the only rule and I wasn’t a drinker or a troublemaker of any kind, it wasn’t a trust issue. It was a power struggle over the car. I was technically allowed out as late as I wanted as long as I didn’t have the car, but my friends lived at the local college campus with no cars so in effect I had a curfew as well since there was nobody else to drive me and mom would not drop me off. And to be clear, we are talking about a PLPD beater that I drove exclusively, not my parents personal cars. But, at least I had a car to drive, and I didn’t have to pay for it. I wish we had set some slightly more flexible boundaries that would have been more mutually respectful, but I don’t think the rules were unfair.</p>
<p>REALLY Hunt----my 87 year old mom still treats me like I’m 12. And I was out of the house and self supporting when I was 17.<br>
For D it was a gradual transition. She insisted on paying her own way for grad school, received no funds from us after her undergrad. Her call. She was ready. Not everyone is. She now lives in Europe, but I still send her Tapatio sauce and locally roasted coffee. It’s my way of showing her that she STILL can’t live a full adult life without me.</p>