<p>I feel like people grow at their own pace. When you consider someone an adult, it’s important to look at maturity and practical thinking. My older sister is 18, but it’s still shocking to consider that she’s an adult, based on my own experiences with her. Although, with new responsibilities, perhaps there will be a growing sense of responsibility, if that makes sense.</p>
<p>It’s hard to know how much to parent, or not to parent. Our 19-year-old just got hired for a summer camp counselor job in the midwest. The camp sent him some forms that need to be filled out. I told him I would help him if he needs it, but he needs to come to me. He also needs to tell me the dates for his airline tickets (he will be paying for them, but I’ll help him find the best price possible). It’s been a couple of days, and I’m seeing NO action.</p>
<p>His younger sister, 16, is studying in Spain this semester. She is MUCH more mature than her big brother. She is acting like an adult right now! My husband and I half-jokingly say that we will be working for her one day…</p>
<p>Hunt and musica-when my mother was 65 and we were visiting HER mother, who was 87, my mother was fixing herself something to eat. My grandmother looked over the plate and asked my mother if the meal met her dietary restrictions. My mother, one of the calmest people on the planet, answered with gritted teeth, “Mother, I am 65 and I think that by now I can feed myself properly.” My grandmother “humphed” and stalked out. I expect that if my mother was still living, I’d be having a similar conversation with her some day. Some things are universal.</p>
<p>I had to delete a few topics that were wandering into unacceptable territory. Please be careful with your posts!</p>
<p>I don’t think the comment was about abortions in the literal sense. The post said “abort the missions”, not the babies. I interpreted it as those Catholic/Military parents don’t plan to give up on their kids, even if the kids are considered legal adults by the state. They aren’t going to throw them out of the house, or leave them to starve - they will see their mission as parents through to the end. But who knows.</p>
<p>As far as when I consider my kids to be adults, well, they will always be my children, whether 5 years, 15 years, 55 years old. That said, childhood should be the shortest time period in any human being’s life, and childhood entails being fully dependent upon the parents for sustenance and support. A typical human might live threescore and twenty, or 80 years perhaps, so should dependent childhood go beyond 25% of one’s life? A well-lived life might be seen as consisting of 20 years of preparation (from birth to age 20); 20 years of building one’s life, including career, but also one’s family; 20 years of raising one’s family to adulthood, building one’s career to its apex, enjoying the fruits of one’s labor; and the final 20 years consisting of finishing up the career, watching one’s children launch into their adult lives, enjoying the next generation of grandchildren, serving as a wise elder to those around, and dying a peaceful death.</p>
<p>So, with our kids, helping to prepare them to be ready to embark on their independent lives - in the sense of being able to support themselves, fly the nest, etc - by the time they are in their very early 20s seems like a good idea to me, and one that I lived myself, and one that I have worked to prepare my own kids to do. In order to pursue college, they are going to need some financial assistance, and I will work with them on this, with the expectation they finish college by the time they are 22/23. Over the next four years, my oldest who is heading off to college, will transition from being financially dependent to financially independent. He has already taken responsibility for where he is going to college, what he will be studying, what he plans to do to make a living. I won’t be making those choices for him. If he wants advice, I will wait for him to ask. College cannot be forever, not if he wants to find a mate and have a family - which he does. He wants to be prepared to start a career, but also to be a husband and a father, and so the pull of adolescence is something he is going to have to resist.</p>
<p>By the time he starts with his first full-time career job, I will consider him fully launched. Does that mean I won’t be around to listen to him, or be available if he is seeking advice? Of course not. I have worked for 18 years to nurture him and guide him and love him, and I want what is best for him. What is not best for him is for him to be living at home when he is in his mid 20s or 30s, or continuing to get financial help from me beyond college. </p>
<p>Our society keeps prolonging childhood, which, I think, must be frustrating to young people these days who crave, as every generation has craved, to fly from the nest. These young people are so afraid to do things against what their parents say, either out of fear of the parents, or their own lack of confidence from being overly protected throughout their lives. At some point, they have to be allowed to fly free. 18-20 seems to be a good age, perhaps extended to 22, at college graduation. But to keep kids at home, treating them like kids, paying their bills, doing their laundry, when they are in their 30s and beyond? I just don’t see that happening in my family, and I hope it does not.</p>
<p>bestfriendsgirl, will you please clarify what you meant on page 1 when you said: We’re a Catholic, military family. We don’t abort our missions.</p>
<p>thank you</p>
<p>Well, if that 18 year old chooses to go to college the parents financial data is what is considered when it comes to ability to pay. It’s my understanding that if the 25 year old wants to go to grad school, the parents finance are still considered. So, I guess a kid becomes and adult when no one can tie the parents finances into the support of the kid.</p>
<p>Our finances were not considered when our D went to grad school. Was it because she had an address away from home and had been working and was no longer claimed as a dependent? </p>
<p>Our finances weren’t considered either. They used our home address as their permanent address and all were still claimed as dependents the year they applied. Between them they applied to a mix of programs that did and didn’t give full funding.</p>
<p>When is my child considered an adult?
(a) when they have moved out and are self-supporting
(b) when they make an “adult” decision - e.g. if my 13 year old told us s/he is gay that would be to my mind an adult decision despite the age
© when they act like adults - calling to ask if I need something from the kosher market because they’re having coffee at the Starbucks next door and know I’m busy getting ready for Passover, or voluntarily doing the dishes because it’s a nice thing to do (not because they want the car later on), or calling to check up on an elderly relative without being asked
(d) never. In my mind they will always be small children. And should put on a sweater and bring an umbrella.
(e) all of the above*</p>
<ul>
<li>Correct answer. Depends on the day, the situation and my mood.</li>
</ul>
<p>The majority of grad programs consider grad students independent and do not care about parent finances. I believe med schools are a well discussed exception to this.</p>
<p>“I’m still trying to figure out how to get my 86-year-old mother to treat ME like an adult.”</p>
<p>:))))) We are in the same boat. When I visit my parents, my dad wants me to get home by 9 PM and phone him, if I am late for dinner. He would never let me drive his car. In his opinion, I am still an inexperienced driver.</p>
<p>Law schools are an exception, too. When I was looking into law school ALL of the schools I was considering applying to considered parents finances, which was the main reason I didn’t even apply. My parents don’t pay for schooling.</p>
<p>I am in the transition to adulthood camp. The poster above who mentioned it started around 15-16, hit a big milestone at 18 when kid leaves the house, and then keeps developing described it well. I can imagine other big milestones, like joining the army or getting married or having a baby, too, that push that transition more quickly. </p>
<p>My mom was always the respectful one, not second guessing my choices. My dad, otoh, still tells me what route to take when I drive to see him and where to park when I go downtown. </p>
<p>When I was coming up as the oldest my parents very firmly told me (I thought, at the time, but perhaps they were posturing) at HS graduation I was out. And I was. They are still supporing two of my sibs (age 40, 45–and one of those sibs kids) to one degree or another. But, I needed them less. </p>
<p>lol-- tempemom, my parents are like that, too. My parents were much more strict with me, and I never needed it,- my younger sister gets herself into all sorts of trouble and they are much more lax with her. I have always wondered, if I had just pushed harder, would you have changed the rules? They say no, they were just tired of parenting by the time my younger sister was HS age and picked their battles more carefully. I guess I wore them out for her.</p>
<p>It seems to me that adulthood comes in a transition…it’s not a sudden black line.</p>
<p>My sons all transitioned to full adulthood without my even noticing it.</p>
<p>But just because they make their own decisions doesn’t mean they don’t ask advice or don’t discuss with us–just that they make their own decision, and don’t face “consequences” from the parental units. They value our insight and experience and they trust themselves. And we trust them.</p>
<p>And these days, we are not at all averse to asking them for their opinions/knowledge/experience/insight when we are faced with making big decisions. </p>
<p>When my kid paid for dinner at a fancy restaurant the other day, I knew he had transitioned to full adulthood.</p>
<p>As has been talked about before, kids don’t magically change from child to adult from one day to the next when they turn 18, except in the eyes of the law. To me, the transition to adulthood, associated with the physiological myelination of the frontal lobes, is demonstration of good judgement, planning and reasoning. If my kid(s) made bad decisions, I would not see a reason to continue to financially support them . But if he was making reasonable plans and needed help, I might think differently. This obviously is not a firmly defined or boundaried issue.</p>
<p>I agree it’s a process, and sometimes the kids will take a step backward from time to time.</p>
<p>This past weekend, D2 arrived home for Easter vacation complaining she thought she had pink eye. She kept rubbing her eye and I kept telling her to stop. We were at a minor emergency clinic waiting for discharge papers when she began shrieking and sobbing hysterically. We ended up at the hospital ER. I have never seen D2 in that kind of distress; it was like she was 5 years old. The eye specialist came in and said “Good God, she’s lost half her cornea.” She had rubbed the top layer off. The Dr. said this is one of the most painful things in the human experience.</p>
<p>We had to keep her sleeping all weekend. All shades had to be down and D2 had to wear sunglasses, even while sleeping. </p>
<p>She’s healing and seeing a specialist at the med school at her university. She said to us “Mom and Dad, thanks so much for taking care of me. I really don’t know how I would have coped if this had happened to me when I was at school. I thought I was so independent, but I guess I’m not.”</p>
<p>No matter how grown up we get, sometimes we really need our parents. </p>