<p>Oh, for gosh sakes! What I meant was that our sons would be expected to live up to their responsibilities toward any girl with whom he fatherd a child. And yes, I understand that not all the decisions in a situation like this would be our sons’, or mine, to make. But that doesn’t mean I have to agree with the decisions either. </p>
<p>Oh my god, Nrdsb4. I am so glad she is okay and so sorry she (and you!) went through that!</p>
<p>That sounds horrible, Nrdsb4. Far less painful or important, but germane to this discussion, my 24 yo D called me crying last week. She’d cut her foot, couldn’t find the piece of glass, and had to be at work, where she is on her feet all day. It had not occurred to her to wash the blood off or feel around for any glass, or anything else for that matter. I honestly think she was more stressed about maybe missing work. Once I got her calmed down, she washed the foot, checked for glass and found none, then bandaged it up and went to work. Sometimes you just need your mom.</p>
<p>But that’s not what constitutes Independence or being an adult. The night before she died, though I didn’t know that’s what it was, I called my mom for advice. I was 40 and had not lived at home in 20 years. I do think kids should have increasing responsibilities and decision-making capabilities even if they are financially dependent on us. That does not mean they are incapable. Conversely, kids need their moms or dads well into adulthood. They’ll always be our kids.</p>
<p>One thing I do not understand is that among my peers, more so around the time of graduating high school and entering college, they are in a rush to declare their independence. They’re so set on getting their degree, their own place, and place so they’d “never have to rely on their parents ever again”. I don’t understand it. Even if I’m independent, I would hope that I’ld be able to depend on my mom. When I’m independent and my mom needs help, I’d hope she would depend on me, as well. Is that not what family is for? Perhaps, the culture is different in my family, but I am unable to relate to the rush of cutting the ropes. </p>
<p>
That’s how it works in my family.</p>
<p>My parents are giving me full financial support (yes, that includes some spending money) until I complete my bachelor’s degree in 2016. If I was to join the military, get a full-time job, or get married, (i.e., claim my full independence) they would offer loans for college instead of just gifting my tuition, and other gifts would be saved for special occasions only. </p>
<p>I am aware that my lifestyle is privileged, and I am very lucky. My parents give because they know I understand this, and they do not tell me what to do. I ask their advice though, because they have knowledge and experience I lack. One day I hope to give the same privileges to the next generation of our family. (I won’t necessarily have my own kids, but I would help my nephews, nieces, etc. because my siblings are already having kids but not setting themselves up to make much money.)</p>
<p>I consider people my age who are aware and prepping for the future to be young adults. I consider people my age who do not appreciate their privileges to be children. Anyone already providing for themselves (without having to run to mommy and daddy for help every five seconds) is an adult.</p>
<p>That’s kind of what I thought you meant, bestfriendsgirl. The Dad was giving advice on what to do (and what not to do) if the young Catholic fellow got a girl pregnant.
I’m not sure I agree with his position, but that might be a discussion another time, not here, not now.</p>
<p>Thanks for clarification.</p>
<p>@Ema - That’s pretty much how things were for me too, in graduate school. I moved back after living in another state for 18 months and the only difference between that time and when I lived at home in college was the fact that I smoked in front of my parents after I moved home. My father was an excessive worrier who wanted to be kept posted on my every move, even in grad schoo,l and tensions ran high for us, too. As a result, I’ve probably been a little too lenient with my own kids. But they have been a lot more responsible and grown-up than I ever was. </p>
<p>@sseamom, that glass story reminds me of the last time in my life that I actually felt like a kid (except maybe when I was in labor, but I didn’t call for my mom that time). </p>
<p>I can’t remember exactly how old I was, but I had graduated from college, was married and working a solid, full-time job as a computer programmer - somewhere between 24 and 28. I went camping in Louisiana with a friend as a prelude to a work-related conference, where I was a speaker (!). When I got to the hotel room in NO, and took off my grubby camping clothes for a shower and to change into work clothes for the conference, darned if I didn’t find a big ol’ swollen tick on my belly! (shudder…) Well, you can bet that I didn’t call my friend, or even my husband - didn’t even think twice before I was on the phone to my mommy (who was many states away), asking for help! I’ll never forget putting my clothes back on and going down to the little hotel store to get some alcohol (knowing that the THING was still on me!), and tearfully/bravely following her instructions for getting it off after I was safely back in the room. I don’t know what I would have done without her calming voice… I’m sure I would have managed, somehow, but even though she was no expert, she had some ideas and there are some times when no one is quite as good as a parent, no matter how old you are.</p>
<p>Weird to think that sometime my son might call me about something just as weird. Or weirder.</p>
<p>I can only chuckle at the panicked calls I’ve had with my mom. Perhaps, those moments are an added bonus of having children! </p>
<p>I’m in the “transitioning” camp. I have a 21 year old who will be graduating and he has grown into a fine young man. He will be making some hard decisions about his life (job, where to live etc.) which we will have NO say in. However, he is still looking at us to support him financially until he can do so himself. (And we are going to help until he can do this.) I do believe once he is on his own entirely, my view of him will be as an adult. However, I wonder when he will consider himself an adult. I know that I didn’t feel “grown up” until I had my first child, and I was 30 years old and married 2 years by then.</p>
<p>There is very old joke that used to be a staple of Borscht belt comedians, goes something like this : “So, when does a kid become an adult?”. “When they graduate from medical school!”</p>
<p>According to the Govt (especially Democrats) you are a “child” until 26 (see Obamacare) That is unless you want to join the military & vote (18), drink (21). I am just getting into the whole college financial aid thing with our oldest. Makes me wonder if we just don’t cut him off at 18 and then he is plain old broke and has “need”. I am sure I am not the first to pose this thought and also sure it don’t work that way. </p>
<p>That’s not how it works. You can’t just cut off your child and make him/her independent. Otherwise, everyone would do it. </p>
<p>That’s the point. Obviously, for college purposes 18 is not an adult.</p>
<p>Some say you don’t become fully grown up until both your parents are deceased.
But my remaining parent died 5 yrs ago, & I don’t feel more adult, just sadder.</p>
<p>When I was a kid, my dad always said that he would never help pay for college. Not for us girls, nor for my brothers. He thought there was too much emphasis on college, not enough on work skills and probably was horribly jealous to boot. If we wanted to go to college we could work and go at night and live at home and start at community colleges. So of course, none of us did it that way. He wouldn’t even fill out the financial aid forms that would help us get aid. Colleges didn’t care about my dad’s views, they said he had a responsibility to help pay for college. Thank God, my mother filled out the forms and signed both their names. 3 of 4 of us went to college with the help of college loans (at 7% from the bank and 3% federal) and scholarships. He (they) never gave any of us a penny towards school and only a few times gave my sister a bit to get back to school after school breaks at home. Oh and he (they) took all of us on his taxes as dependents until we all graduated. There is nothing a kid can do about it without tearing the family apart. The 4th child went into the Navy to get away. My family was not singular and is not singular today. There are parents that act like this, even now. WE were adults from the day we checked into college and into the Navy. Money is a huge part of being an adult, even if we don’t always want to acknowledge it. I learned quite a bit about how I wanted to treat my older children from my experiences - I generally go the other way!
Our oldest is graduating from college next month, no job yet. He will get a lump sum and will figure out how to make it last until he starts earning for himself. Once he does that, we will start billing him for car insurance and cell phone ( netflix!) and hopefully, within a year or so, will have everything in his own name. My parenting goal has always been to have a good relationship with my adult children as the time spent as adults is much longer than the time spent as children. But is my kid an adult yet? no, not really, but he got a scholarship, graduated from college in 4 years, makes good decisions and is all together, a great person. I would label him as an almost adult.</p>
<p>In our family, becoming an adult seems to be a step-by-step, gradual process. Our children are now ages 20-26,and I would say the 22, 24, and 26 year old are all adults in some ways, and sometimes still dependent in other ways. I’m OK with them not being completely independent adults yet, as they are all making steady progress and moving forward in good ways. </p>
<p>In our culture a kid is considered to be an adult when he has the capacity to support himself on his own. </p>
<p>According to our enlightened government, at 26. We got to listen no matter what we think, right? So, 26 is adult, 25.5 is a child. Not by me, but who am I - nobody!!!</p>
<p>I’ve just added another criteria. A kid is an adult when they can figure out their health insurance/ in network, out of network issues. And, after having figured it out make an appointment in a very timely fashion if needed. Then, follow through on any billing issues.</p>