<p>Deb - I agree with BB. I can’t imagine inviting myself to stay with someone, esp over the holidays.</p>
<p>And if D is not on board, the conversation really should be between her and her BF, about who goes where for the holidays.</p>
<p>Deb, I see some approaches to this. One is that you have an “out”- the surgery- and you can simply say this is bad timing and that you are not up to hosting guests. The other is that if you are not likely to want to host guests, just say this isn’t convenient and suggest other places to stay as BB suggested. </p>
<p>Another approach is to see the whole picture, and your D will get a taste of what life with this BF and his family is all about. You say she is not on board with this. Driving across the country will give her a good picture of any family dynamics in her possible future in laws as with them all staying with you. Since they expect the young couple to spend every other weekend with them, she’ll get a real idea of what this is like and if she wants to continue in the relationship if this is what her BF expects as well. </p>
<p>I like my in laws, but honestly, there are few people I would want to take a cross country trip with- all that time together stuck in a car would overwhelm me. I also can’t imagine doing this with my kids and their BF/GF as it just seems to me to be invasive on their relationship. I’m also in the camp of respecting the young couple’s privacy, but I have made it known that when the time comes for me to have a SIL/DIL, I really would like to get to know them and have a good relationship with them. I don’t need to know every detail about the person or the relationship, but I would like to know them as a person, and not be completely surprised if it takes a serious turn. </p>
<p>Deb, I also agree with BB. My suggestion would be to follow that advice regarding the proposed Christmas visit, and to also follow through on the fall visit you thought you might make. Tell your D that you’d like to visit, and find out when it would be good for them. </p>
<p>Editing window passed…does anyone have insight into the wedding customs of modern educated Chinese people? Living in China, not the US?</p>
<p>I grew up in a community that’s a popular retirement location. My parents live there still. My in-laws retired and moved across the country to the very same city, shortly before our wedding. In fact, we postponed our wedding date from spring to fall, to accommodate this move. DH and I didn’t live in that city at that time or subsequently - it was coincidence that his parents had a plan to retire there in motion. Thus DH’s and my parents were living in the same city, and they met not too long before our wedding. The following year, sadly, both my brother and my MIL became ill with cancer at around the same time. The two sets of parents started spending a lot of time together. DH and I were a little weirded out by this - as young marrieds we briefly interpreted this behavior as being all about us, and thought our parents were trying too hard. Then it dawned on us that our respective parents had a lot in common. Both of our fathers were retired university profs, and both couples were having a frightening struggle with cancer in the immediate family. They were supporting each other, their friendship was natural, and our marriage just happened to be what brought them together initially, but was not the reason for the relationship at all. Sadly, both my brother and MIL died within a couple of years. However my parents and FIL are still friends, decades later.</p>
<p>westerga, that is touching.</p>
<p>deb922, winter holidays 2012 I flew 1/2 way across country to stay near son’s g/f’s family. THEY invited me there. I think they were relieved when I said I’d be more comfortable in a nearby hotel, since all their children would be home, including my son. I had sent a box of gifts for all family members prior to arriving, including lots of stocking stuffers. They had gifts for me. </p>
<p>In your situation, if I already had a full house, I’d suggest several nearby hotels. I’d be honest that I don’t think they would be comfortable sleeping on couches. BB, Cd, and others offered excellent advice. I would say how much I want to meet them, are they willing to stay in a hotel? If not, perhaps H and I could visit them sometime in fall (& ask for advice about hotels nearby).</p>
<p>The proposal was this evening and she said yes! 
My husband and I only spoke to the couple for a few minutes as they were busy calling family and friends. My son had told us the DIL to be’s parent would be coming in for the evening; they actually arrive to take the newly engaged couple to dinner while we were on Face Time with them, so we said hello and congratulations for a couple of seconds. Not sure if that counts as an official phone call, but it works for now!</p>
<p>It will be interesting to see how the wedding plans unfold and whether our future DIL will be able to stand up for what she wants. She has always wanted to please her parents according to my son and is the oldest of several girls. I got the impressing that the girls are afraid of their father, or afraid of disappointing him; sounds like he was very strict with them. My son said when he asked for the father’s permission to marry his daughter, he said two things that my son was not prepared for. One was he would talk to his wife and give an answer the next day; gave my son a bit of worry, although they did give their blessing. The other was, he asked my Jewish son about being baptized . My husband told me about this a couple of days ago, so I do not know if the father was talking about future children, or he was talking about my son; either way, this makes me wonder how much pressure they will put on the couple and if their daughter will give in because daddy said so. I am a bit concerned, but know my son and future DIL will do what works best for their lives; I hope!!</p>
<p>So now I sit here refreshing Facebook and Instagram waiting for a picture to be posted :)</p>
<p>Congrats, snowball, your S and FDIL. It sounds like your Facetime chat with her parents will work for now. </p>
<p>My S will also be negotiating the line between his religious beliefs (we’re Jewish), and her father’s beliefs (he’s devout Christian). At least in my case, I know that FDIL will stand up to her father if he makes uncomfortable demands.</p>
<p>
Well, um, I think that last practice went the way of the dinosaur. Ugh.</p>
<p>That said, there are many reasons to be “waiting in the wings”. In our case, the ring was made with my great grandmothers stone, and the setting and ring made here by a family friend. We then shipped it to DS. He had an elaborate plan that included a side diversion of his fiancee’s S and BIL coming in to surprise her for her birthday. Her s was also involved in selecting the setting, and the S and BIL were staying at their parents house to surprise the soon to be fiancee. BIL took pictures (from afar) which are precious Our s initially thought of having us and her parents there, and we were willing to do it if he wanted, but he changed his mind. Family is important to both of them, which is very sweet.</p>
<p>Some people put up billboards or propose on national tv or do a flashmob. To me thats a WHOLE lot less private. </p>
<p>OOH just saw the good news! Congrats, snowball!</p>
<p>If either of my kids ever gets engaged, I won’t need a thread on CC. You will all hear me screaming with joy!</p>
<p>deb, I have a different take on what the trip means. In fact, I have two. :)</p>
<p>Take no. 1 …
I think the trip means everyone knows that this Christmas is “your turn” to have the kids, but his family doesn’t want to be without their ds so they are trying to make this a way for your dd to see her family but for them to get what they want, too.</p>
<p>Take no. 2 …
Is it possible that he is going to propose to your dd at Christmas, everyone on his side knows it and they want everyone to be there for the big event?</p>
<p>If it’s take no. 1, I feel like she needs to put her foot down. Unless she’s OK with constant interference from his family for the rest of her life, I think she needs to set a boundary NOW if she sees a future with this guy. This just feels eerily familiar to what happened in my courtship and early marriage to dh, and my life would have been so much easier and less stressful if I put a stop to it right up front, but I wanted to be “nice” and didn’t realize how enmeshed dh’s family was and never assumed their interference would continue at the rate it did. </p>
<p>I like penny’s suggestion about using the surgery (or whatever) as an out if your dd is OK with that. This line stood out to me: “I guess if my D wanted this to happen, it would be ok with us but she doesn’t even want this. We all feel pressured by this family (I think this is normal operating procedure for them).” This feels like deja vu for me! My in-laws (usually) aren’t awful people, but they are pushy in a way my family isn’t, and they are used to getting their way. You would be doing your dd a huge service, IMO, if you help her set a boundary around this. I like the idea of traveling up to meet them this fall. I mean, it has been three years and the writing appears to be on the wall regarding this relationship so a meeting of the future in-laws seems perfectly appropriate at this point. But that doesn’t mean it has to be at your house for an extended holiday.</p>
<p>It it’s take no. 2, maybe the trip up to meet his family will take the place of the big Christmas reveal, and he’ll pop the question then.</p>
<p>Good luck and please report back! I’m curious to see how this plays out.</p>
<p>Congrats to snowball!</p>
<p>Deb, I think you should ask your daughter what she wants as far as the holiday goes. If she wants her BF and future in-laws to sleep on the floor in your basement, then get the air mattresses ready and load up on the oatmeal. I do think you have the right to not welcome them until after Christmas day, and if you do host them, to dictate the arrival and departure dates, what they can expect from you (meals, your time, other guests, your other social obligations).</p>
<p>However, I think it might be best to suggest the hotel - nearer to the ski hill- and arrange to host them for an evening or day of doing things together in your city. Tell your daughter that no, her uncle’s vacation home is not available (for free) during the holidays.</p>
<p>Recently my daughter’s boyfriend and his family came for her graduation. They came in an RV! I suggested a nice place for them to stay (on the beach) and they came to dinner after the graduation, but my tiny home was not available to them as my mother and brother were staying with us. However, as someone upthread suggested, my daughter got a good idea of how different our families were just from the little time we all spent together. D went off with them in the RV for a vacation for 12 days and couldn’t wait to get home, and then broke up with the boyfriend. A win for me as I’d grown tired of him, and it only cost me a dinner.</p>
<p>Wow, twoinanddone! I definitely think couples should vacation together before committing. You learn a lot! And I’d think you might learn too much in a family-filled RV!</p>
<p>Thanks everyone, I’ve been really busy and haven’t had time to respond. </p>
<p>I thought about things and discussed with my husband. We are going to take a trip out to D’s and visit her this fall. I think the bf’s family won’t come out here and I’ll dissuade them, the weather can be dicey here and travel isn’t easy. Christmas is stressful enough handling my family, the last thing I need is more people adding to it. H and I are in complete agreement that BIL’s cottage is not in the equation, that is off the table. </p>
<p>I do not think bf is planning on proposing. He’s still in graduate school, I can’t imagine an engagement until he’s out and employed. I do think his family thinks every holiday is their holiday, I don’t think they share well. </p>
<p>I do think that dealing with this family is going to be tricky. I have not met them but that is the vibe I get from my D. </p>
<p>Deb, will your dd still come for Christmas?</p>
<p>snowball, congrats! And yes, I think the Facetime counts as the phone call. If you want to do something, send them a card saying how much you like their D and how glad you are that she and your S are happy together. </p>
<p>Good luck on the religious thing. I used to know someone who had some relatives who were billionaires. They provided everything for their children’s families: private school tuition, annual group vacations at a famous spa (note that THEY picked the locale), houses, jobs…and they “requested” that the children’s children be raised Jewish, even if the spouse was not. Clearly, compliance with all of their wishes was a condition that had to be met in order to benefit from their largesse. Very nice, but very controlling. One can’t blame people for having strong feelings and wishes on the subject. How they are expressed is, however, within their control.</p>
<p>We just had an engagement in the family…still pretty surprised and trying to take it all in. Good news, we do like him…</p>