<p>Bad translation, but that is Kahlil Gibran.</p>
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<p>Uh oh. I never heard of that tradition and didn’t do it when my son proposed. That said, I was texting with the MOB when we were witing for word from the kids. We both knew it was happening, but I dont think I actually called her parents after we heard that it was official. So all in all, OP, I am sure whatever you do will be lovely. Congrats!</p>
<p>I also think whatever the OP does is going to be lovely since it comes from a place of happiness. I hope that when my kids decide to marry that I will have a good relationship with their spouse and the spouse’s parents. It’s nice to see your child happy- I think we moms can tell when we see that, and I hope my kids find that happiness one day too. </p>
<p>No two people are alike, and for me, communication is a big part of any relationship. It reassures me to see that a couple is able to communicate their feelings about issues that are known to be difficult- religion being one of them. If they have loving and accepting families, then that is a great role model for them to have a loving and accepting family too. It’s nice to see that here. Congrats to the OP and the young couple.</p>
<p>My mother always said the purpose of the custom was to initiate contact between families who hadn’t met to prevent the first “meeting” from taking place at the wedding. Previous generations were more likely to know their child’s future in-laws or be close enough where a personal meeting could be arranged, so when they spoke of “calling” on somebody it involved actually going to their home. When families began to spread out far enough that a personal visit wasn’t possible, the family made a phone call instead. I don’t believe anyone much cared who initiated the contact; the important thing for the young people was that it happened.</p>
<p>I would wait until you’re sure her parents know, then contact them to say how thrilled you are that the children are getting married and that you’re looking forward to meeting them. I’d probably send an informal card, but other people are more comfortable picking up the phone or sending an email. The point is to break the ice; how you do it is up to you. </p>
<p>Congratulations to your son.</p>
<p>A hypothetical question: After the wedding, how often will the groom’s parents and the bride’s parents likely communicate with each other, assuming that they live far apart (e.g., a couple of thousand miles away from each other)?</p>
<p>Is it likely that the groom interacts with his FIL/MIL and the bride interacts with her FIL/MIL during holiday, but not so much between the bride’s parents and the groom’s parents directly unless they happen to live close to each other?</p>
<p>In my family, the in-laws had little in common and didn’t live near each other, but they did send a note card at holidays to each other ( this is the generation that wrote letters). If one had a health situation- which occurred as they got older- they would send a get well note. Both sides attended milestone events that involved our children. They always asked me about each other when we visited them. Again, I don’t think these two couples would have ever met each other if not for the marriage, and while it didn’t evolve into a close friendship, they were cordial to each other. </p>
<p>In our family, my husband and I interact with our in laws more than they interact with each other, especially when the kids were little and we visited grandparents together. </p>
<p>We live about an hour away from D’s in-laws (coincidentally, they live now in the same town H and I grew up in), and we are five minutes from D and SIL. So we actually interact with her in-laws quite a bit. Last year I was invited to SIL’s sister’s baby shower. And the kids invited me and the MIL to a Mother’s Day brunch with them. So proximity makes a difference. We all make an effort to get along because we will be seeing each other.</p>
<p>I don’t recall calling DIL’s parents after S & DIL got engaged, but I think we got a holiday card from them that year. We were going overseas In April 2012 and arranged to head up to northern England to visit them, so we probably started emailing about that in January or so. Had a wonderful time, stayed the night, found we were very compatible. DIL’s mom came over for the civil ceremony (Aug 2012) and stayed with us for 10 days, and then she, her H and other D came over for the wedding celebration this past summer.</p>
<p>Co-MIL and I email and FB regularly. She is a wonderful person who would be my buddy IRL. DIL and her mom have their differences (very different outlooks on life), so I think she is a little surprised that her mom and I get on so well. I think I kind of bridge the gap personality- and perspective-wise between the two.</p>
<p>I have never heard of the official MOG call either. I am surprised, though, at all the parents waiting in the wings for minute to minute updates and even traveling down to the couple for an engagement. I always though of it as a private thing. It seems almost like standing in the street and waiting for a bloody sheet to be hung out the window.</p>
<p>When the time comes in my D’s case there will be two MOBs so I guess we will just have to improvise. I am prepared to commandeer some family jewels in case she is the one doing the asking, though. I kind of need a DIL since I know she won’t want to be wearing them. :-* </p>
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<p>Me, too. I view finding a life partner is the ulmate act of leaving the nest and an occasion for parents to step back as much as possible. Leave it to them whatever they decide to do; be a church wedding if they agree or let it be a synagogue wedding. Not neutral wedding is ok but not a churwedding, etc., drawing up an invisible battleline that you belong to me so venture out with that in mind? I don’t think so. My D had a boyfriend in HS. Although they spent most time at my house house, the boy’s mom knew what’s going on way better than I did. It was creepy and needlessly to say I was relieved when my kid lost interest in the relationship.</p>
<p>It’s true that traditionally the parents of the groom made the first call and issued the first invitation. Today, anyone can make the first move, although parents of the bride might want to give a few days if you think the other side would appreciate the chance to follow custom or if you are told they intend to call. However, if you are family of a bride, and haven’t gotten a call, don’t hesitate! The whole point is to bring the families together. </p>
<p>SF–also surprised by the public, pre-arranged nature of some proposals. We heard after the fact, which seemed appropriate to me. (don’t think the MOG heard till a week or two later; SIL is not the most communicative guy in the world.)</p>
<p>As far as the OP’s question, I didn’t know there was rule, so after no conversation for a couple months, I called the MOG just to get the ball rolling.</p>
<p>What ball did you get rolling? I had just assumed a wedding is a bride’s affair, The bride’s family foot the bill and take the initiative with occasional consultations with the groom to accommodate groom’s wishes.</p>
<p>^^Is this the first engagement/wedding thread you have opened on this board?</p>
<p>As far as I can tell, any rules that ever existed no longer exist and never existed for any large portion of the population. And even if we got taught some rules, we either don’t like them and reject them or they don’t work for our situations. </p>
<p>Except for a very few who still insist on their rules, most of us seem to have decided to throw it all out the window. As far as I can tell.</p>
<p>I have no idea how anyone can plan a wedding anymore, but parents of bride and groom communicating in some way before the day of the wedding would seem almost an essential to me. However - that doesn’t seem to be the case either. So what do I know? absolutely nothing : )</p>
<p>Well, have to jump back in here. Some of you may remember that my son is getting married across the country this summer. We are footing a significant portion of the wedding bill, yet have virtually no input. That’s just how it has worked out for us. I agree with @alh that all the rules are “out the window.” On every occasion except one, when I have asked my FDIL to consider an idea, the answer has been in the negative. Nicely, but in the negative. We are talking really minor things which DH and I think would have added a nice touch. It’s become “smile and nod.” </p>
<p>In-laws are unlikely to spend too much time together after the wedding. My in-laws and my parents got along very well, although they lived about 500 miles apart. When each was in the other’s area on vacation or while travelling, they always made arrangements to get together. In fact, just last week, my mother was mentioning one time when my in-laws were visiting and she and my dad took them to the Jersey shore for dinner, then they stayed overnight at my parents’ home before continuing on their trip. I had never heard that story before! :)</p>
<p>We met all of the in-laws for my Ds who are married, prior to the wedding. The happy couple set up a dinner, in each instance, so that we could meet and get to know each other a bit before wedding planning began. I had heard a lot about the other parents via my Ds as they knew the parents fairly well by the time the engagements occurred. Since each wedding, we have not seen one set at all. I sent Christmas cards for the first two Christmases but received none in return so that ended. 
One set we see a few times a year, usually around grandchildren’s birthdays and one D and her H always have both families over for a barbecue each summer. The other set of parents we’ve seen a couple of times, usually by chance. </p>
<p>Warning this is going to be long! I have a situation that is somewhat of a quandary and am not sure how to address it. </p>
<p>While not engaged my daughter has been in a relationship with a nice young man for 3 years. They are very serious it is something that is leading to marriage in the future. D lives 650 miles from us and therefore we don’t see her very often. Her boyfriend’s family lives close and they see them all the time. In fact it’s a conflict between the 2 because his parents want them at their house almost if not every weekend. I personally see big red flags because of the family dynamics but I’m not expressing my opinions. </p>
<p>We have not met the bf’s parents yet. Because of the distance we have only met the bf a handful of times. We usually try and get out east to see our D but this year has been bad because my H has had some medical problems. His parents have asked through our D if they can come visit this year over Christmas. </p>
<p>Here is the problem(s).
Our D is not on board with this. She would have liked her bf to come but it has snowballed into the whole family.
D mentioned that she would drive out with them. I thought that she would fly in and they would come after Christmas and that we would have time with her. I don’t mind sharing my kids with their SO and know this is going to happen but I wasn’t planning on his whole family.
As far I know, we don’t seem to have much in common with this family. I am hoping the family is coming out here to ski but we don’t ski. H said he would but he had spinal fusion surgery this year and I’m not really happy about that.
I think they drink a lot and my H and I don’t drink. Not against it and I sometimes have an occasional glass of wine but we are really non-drinkers.
There isn’t really room at my house for 4 more people. I also have my mom and my S and his gf.
My D asked if we could use my BIL’s vacation cottage. First of all they use it that week and we are invited but we don’t usually go because we don’t ski. Besides we can not afford to rent it, and we have never asked to use their cottage in the 10 years since they bought it. We go if we are invited but it’s not ours and don’t want to ask. </p>
<p>As my H said to me last night, how do we un-invite people who invited themselves?</p>
<p>I guess if my D wanted this to happen, it would be ok with us but she doesn’t even want this. We all feel pressured by this family (I think this is normal operating procedure for them). </p>
<p>H and I talked last night and we said we can travel to our daughters town and meet them this fall. Maybe once they meet us they won’t feel compelled to travel 14 hours over Christmas to see us. </p>
<p>Any suggestions of how to handle this are very welcome. </p>
<p>I hear you, momof3sons. S1 is getting married next year. The couple is paying for and planning the wedding themselves. They listen to our sporadic advice on things affecting their out-of-town guests (they’ve already encountered some problems due to inexperience planning a special occasion), and politely tell us to butt out. We have to plan an out-of-towners dinner, and don’t even know who’s on the guest list. </p>
<p>We are doing alot of smiling and nodding too and will continue to do so. We’d like to still have a good relationship with them by the time the wedding’s over.</p>
<p>Deb, it sounds to me that those folks are not really interested in meeting you. What most likely attracts them is the possibility of having a basically free room and board while they enjoy their time in the slopes. I would send them an email with apologies for not being able to accomodate them (explaining that your house is just not big enough to accommodate guests) and provide a list of local hotels, motels and B&B so they can pick their own. In my experience, such people generally do not understand hints, so a direct approach would be the best option, IMO.</p>
<p>S&DIL never had a formal proposal – it was a series of conversations about the future and they concluded that they should get married. They couldn’t tell you when the engagement happened, so I sure can’t!</p>
<p>S&DIL funded the wedding, though we did all the catering for the reception as our gift. DIL’s parents did not fund. Not sure who paid their plane tickets to come over, though we used FF miles for DIL’s mom for the civil ceremony in 2012. Celebration in 2013 was in our community, which split the difference between CA where S&DIL live and her parents. They were happy to turn everything over to me, and my co-MIL was more than gracious about it. We did ask everyone for preferences on things, and S&DIL were happy if I did the legwork, gave them several options, and then let them choose. There were some things I would have done differently, but since I was already so heavily involved, I wanted to be sure that if they took a stand, it would be respected. Because DH and I have done a lot of catering at our synagogue, we had a lot of experience with big events, and S&DIL were happy to have input from folks who weren’t trying to foist the Bridal Industrial Complex upon them. </p>
<p>If DIL’s parents want to stop over here some time, we would be happy to put them up. They have extended the same invite to us. (We are all similarly frugal. :)) </p>
<p>All that said, I think parental and in-law involvement varies from one part of the country to the next. I could not imagine just dropping in on my adult children or her parents without notice.My nephew got married last weekend, and her MIL & FIL showed up on the doorstep unannounced two days prior because they needed to kill some time in between doctor’s appts and wanted to be entertained. Sib and I did the eye roll and put MIL to work chopping onions. </p>
<p>OTOH, that same familiarity and kinship has its benefits when a tragedy strikes in the community, as we also found last week.</p>