<p>My daughter and her roommate are friends and get along fine, they have worked out their different study/sleep schedules and made reasonable accommodations. Other than the smell of unwashed clothes due to the roommates desire to do laundry as infrequently as possible, theirs is a workable situation even a happy one.</p>
<p>My questions is this - if the situation isn’t working and one roommates’ sleep is being repeatedly interrupted by noisy late night returns, their use of the room for study purposes seriously impacted by loud television programs on school nights or drunken behavior, boyfriend/girlfriend sleepovers exceeding dorm rules/limits etc. what responsibility do you think the school has to the complaining student?</p>
<p>I have friends whose children find/have found themselves in these types of situations. The RA’s talk, agreements are signed and then violated and the offending behavior continues - even in direct violation of the written policies and guarantees made by the university. In one instance that I know of no one will agree to room with the offending roommate so the school housing office seems to be saying that there’s nothing they can do - leaving the students to work it out, even if one student if refusing to compromise. If the offending party doesn’t want to change, there are no consequences - except to the roommate whose academic performance will surely suffer from sleep deprivation. At 40K to 50K per year it seems to me they should have a better plan in place. If they’ve admitted a social misfit it would seem to me that they can better afford to suffer the consequences than the sleep deprived roommate. I think they should have a contingency plan to handle their surprising admissions choices.</p>
<p>I have seen this played out, time and again.</p>
<p>I used to be a big fan of dorm life and thought this was the way to go for students as long as they could stay on campus. There is much to be said for this campus connectivity. </p>
<p>The problem is that when an unruly roommate starts taking ridiculous liberties in a teeny tiny room, where does the other roommate go? It can be awkward and uncomfortable and lead to sleep/study issues. For the price of tuition and housing, it seems like there is a better solution. </p>
<p>They don’t offer this at all campuses, but i like the idea of suite living with singles for each student and a joint living area. It’s more expensive, but I think that it can make life a lot better for the students. </p>
<p>My kids have had basically okay roommates. Sometimes they were better friends after leaving the rooming situation for one reason or the other. The costs of dorming can be quite a bit pricier than living on campus.</p>
<p>I too have seen a fair number of incompatible roommate situations. Sometimes everyone just gritted their teeth and managed to get through the year. In other cases someone moved, and it was amazing how much happier everyone was after the move was over.</p>
<p>My roommate situation was so unbearable that I paid extra to move into a single after 1 semester. However, we attempted to talk it out, set rules, meet with RA, etc. first. It is important that the kids try to work it out as adults first. My friends across the hall had a very rockly start, but ended up rooming together as sophomores as well. Rooming together is a real life lesson, and, hopefully, S or D will be able to choose roommates next year. Though, that doesn’t always make for a good living situation either.</p>
<p>Maybe this is just “lip-service,” but the small LACs my D is looking at have gone out of their way to let us know (at info sessions, on tours, etc) how carefully they approach the task of pairing roommates for compatibility and “fit.”</p>
<p>One Adcom even read a group of us some of the 35 (!) questions asked on the room-assignment questionnaire. I was impressed. I don’t think we’d see this at the larger publics, but it’s a reassuring “draw” at the schools we’re looking at. It will be interesting to see how it goes…</p>
<p>My neighbor’s freshman D is facing problems due to roommate (also a fresh.) and her boyfriend (who also lives on campus). One night last week the two of them came in after neighbor’s D was already in bed. They proceeded to the roommate’s bed and got busy.
Neighbor’s D was still awake and was an unwilling witness to the whole thing. After they were done, neighbor D got out of bed and went to a friend’s room. She did have a talk with her roommate the next day and told her that was totally unacceptable. </p>
<p>Apparantly she has been sexiled before because her Mom told me if her D came back to the room and “banana” was written on the dry erase board on the door, she was not to come in.</p>
<p>Tufts made it official policy that you can’t sexile your roommate. They got a lot of guff for it, but on the whole I’m just as glad that it means roommates do have some recourse if things get out of hand. (Whatever happened to “Afternoon Delight” anyway?)</p>
<p>Their “Habitats: Guide to On-Campus Living” states:</p>
<p>“You may not engage in sexual activity while your roommate is present in the room. Any sexual activity within your assigned room should not ever deprive your roommate(s) of privacy, study or sleep time.”</p>
<p>I am thrilled my D got placed in a suite with 6 singles and a common area - for her all 6 suitemates get along and genuinely enjoy hanging together. She has said for some suites they aren’t that social and that can be hard for people in those suites but on the whole the whole dorms of these suites makes an effort to get people out and involved/mingling/etc. D also prefers her suite set-up to the hall type single she had for orientation as she didn’t think that would be as social but we have no references for that.</p>
<p>In reality, no matter what is in writing, schools don’t seem to have left enough space on their campus to relocate anyone unilaterally - hence their rules are really meaningless. The word is quickly spread about bad behavior and no one else wants to take on the offensive roomie, so many kids are just stuck with their bad luck. And from what I’ve seen, after all else fails schools don’t want to hear from parents who fear that they are paying huge sums for their childs suffering and, perhaps, their academic under performance due to poor living conditions.</p>
<p>I agree with SamuraiLandshark on the suite style rooms with common living area - for the price of most colleges it doesn’t seem like too much to ask. When I consider the cost per square foot of a dorm room it’s outrageous that there isn’t a better way for kids to live. Even with an individual bedroom and shared living space they would be learning those valuable lessons about compromise and getting along with others - but without sacrificing their academic success.</p>
<p>I really have a hard time with the whole sexiling thing…I would be furious if my D were ever asked to leave her own room, that we are paying for, so her roomate could have sex with her boyfriend. In my opinion, that room is her sanctuary to sleep and study in and no boyfriend should have more rights than she would…I guess I am extremely thankful that my D lives in a very strict, all girls dorm, where no boys are ever allowed past the first floor. She wanted to live in a co-ed dorm and that would have been fine with us…I am in no way a prude…but this crosses the line…whether it is common among today’s college co-eds or not! Are there not rules in place for this exact situation?</p>
<p>It is definitely a space issue. Colleges are allowing more students in due to the crunch of too many students/not enough space. In recent years, many LACs have made true doubles into triples. This can be a huge problem that is now exacerbated.</p>
<p>I have one more student to send through college, and I would seriously take all of this into consideration as she decides her living situation. The price of a suite single or single may be a better option for her. We’ll see. </p>
<p>It’s definitely not something that we considered with the first S. The second S was in a forced triple, due to that “lack of space” mentioned before. That was a disaster. I can’t imagine putting three girls in that space without some serious issues down the road.</p>
<p>This time last year I was wondering if the honors dorm super suites at D’s #1 school would be an issue. I got so much feedback about how kids could isolate themselves, that it would be easy to shut the door & not socialize, about how it wasn’t part of the traditional freshman “experience.” Well, D is in a supersuite with 3 other girls and the more I read on CC the more thankful I am. They can mingle when they want to (and they do watch TV & go to eat together occasionally) but there is none of this “turn the lights out,” “I’m having sex, too bad it’s inconvenient for you,” etc. nonsense.</p>
<p>I’m glad Tufts (and maybe other universities) are taking a stand around sexiling. Many moons ago, my roommate did that to me. There were times, I really thought I was in a triple vs. a double (hers, hers and his). At first, I was always locked out of my room, and was spending endless nights on the floor of friends’ rooms, til they got tired of it. I mean after all I wanted to be a good roommate and not make waves. However, when they really had no regard and I was constantly being displaced the night before a major exam, that’s when the proverbial s*** hit the fan. However, in the end, it only stopped when the BF ditched my roommate for another girl. I really felt for the new girl’s roommate.</p>
<p>RobD - I understand your choice. I’m beginning to think this ‘fear of isolation’ is a fantasy invented by college marketing departments to justify the most expensive rent on the planet. Even though my current freshman is in a livable, happy situation (not ideal - dirty laundry piling up and smelling up the room could be improved upon) next year probably won’t be an option for them to room together if her roommate becomes an RA as she hopes. I don’t think I want to gamble my daughter’s future on how others choose to conduct themselves - she got lucky this year but the horror stories are sobering.</p>
<p>I will be giving a lot more thought to my current hs senior’s situation going into the dorm for the first time (she has asthma and food allergy issues). This is something that I didn’t give as much weight in the college decision process as I now would - my personal experience had been something like ‘crazy roommmate = funny stories down the road’ but I am watching other people’s kids really struggle with sleep issues, serious sanitation concerns (one friend’s son routinely discovered used condoms on dorm room floor) and conflicts that go far beyond the humorous tales of just growing up. I know kids who would love it if their biggest problem was the roommate having a Furby!</p>
<p>My nephew had a particularly awful time of a roommate in his triple. He is one of those meticulously clean kids who ended up with one wonderful roomie and one terrible one. They spent much of their time </p>
<p>For the whole year, he had issues with the kid throwing up in their room and not cleaning it up, “borrowing” their things without asking, eating/drinking the other kids food. The other kid wouldn’t do his laundry and started borrowing stuff from his roommates closet and drawers. They were horrified. </p>
<p>To add insult to injury, the other kid was the last one out of the room and the RA dinged all three of them for leaving a “mess” and charging a clean up fee, even though the RA signed the first two kids out as fullfulling their contract.</p>
<p>I honestly don’t remember being aware of behavior as inconsiderate - and downright disfunctional - in my days at college. Am I just getting old - and perhaps cranky - or is it too much to expect not to live in a room that looks like an episode of Hoarders? Or to not be awakened every 2 or 3 hours throughout the night because your roommate likes to start their homework after midnight and can’t work in a quiet environment? </p>
<p>One friend’s child was told that she could solve the problem with a sleep mask and earplugs but the same dorm official (incredibly, this was an adult) understood why the roommate could not use headphones for TV, music etc.</p>
<p>I am pretty low key & had quite a few talks with D1 about not being judgmental about roommates, behaviors, drinking, etc. But I have to say I would freak about if I heard about used condoms on the floor & vomit that wasn’t cleaned up. That is just nasty and gross. Where did these kids grow up?</p>
<p>D2 is just a HS sophomore and you bet I’ll be pointing out differences in living arrangements when she starts looking at schools. Quality of education is paramount during the college search, but I’m beginning to think that quality of living is almost as important. Aiyiyi!</p>
<p>I don’t see how you could even separate those two things in the first place. </p>
<p>It’s pretty widely accepted that it’s harder to learn in chaotic environments. If you’re surrounded by the rancid stench of vomit and dirty laundry all the time and can’t get to sleep at night or have to sleep on the floor outside of your own room, the education can be world class and you still wouldn’t benefit as much from as if you were well-rested and physically comfortable.</p>
<p>it just sounds like a huge fear of being assertive. too many people fear confrontation. it’s a shame because the stress of constantly swallowing unacceptable situations makes people ill.</p>
<p>@Gardna: I don’t think the quality of life issue is really thought about that much during the search, or it’s just kind of blown off especially by those in the hunt for the top tier schools. D1 fell in love with the super suites right away & I supported her but we got a lot of “well, you’ll miss out on the traditional experience.” And what school is going to tell you what’s going on in the dorms on a Tuesday night in September? Because they don’t really know. </p>
<p>A lot of the housing trouble doesn’t even pop up until after kids are enrolled and then they find out they’re in forced triples. If you got into your dream school and they over enrolled and you’re in a triple, well, you’re just supposed to be happy that you’re in the dream school. It’s not always a transparent process on the front end. The schools that market their nice living conditions (High Point comes to mind) get slammed for putting their priorities in the wrong place (style over substance.)</p>