<p>It’s also true that many kids are used to having their own sleeping quarters in their family homes. My sons shared a room, which probably made them understand living with a roommate better. Still, those boys had issues growing up about different sleep schedules. When they were home, though, they had a kitchen and family room to go into to work on homework if they still were up studying without disturbing their brother.</p>
<p>In a double or triple, there isn’t much place else to go, short of the library. Some college campuses have a study room near the dorm, but it sometimes isn’t a study room, but more of a hang out room. </p>
<p>Colleges need to get this right. Newer residence halls tend to do a good job of honoring the needs of the students, sometimes with big price tags attached - study rooms, fun rooms, and suite style living. </p>
<p>It’s pretty hard to change a housing contract, once signed. We broke one last year due to decreased family income, so my S could move off campus and still had to pay a staggering fee (over $600!) to do it. Considering the savings overall, we were ahead of the game.</p>
<p>And now, my S has space to work and study and it costs less, overall. Hard to get excited about moving back on campus after this experience!</p>
<p>I don’t think the school has any responsibility to the complaining student aside from the breaking of the dorm or school rules or state laws.</p>
<p>If it’s just a matter of roommates not getting along - let’s say the sleepovers don’t exceed limits but it’s just too much for the complainer, or the other roommate is coming home late - it’s up to the roommates to work that out for themselves. That’s one of the parts of growing up. You need to learn how to solve problems with your roommate. If the offending roommate is breaking rules - getting drunk underage, breaking dorm rules as to visitors, that kind of thing - then the RAs can step in and take action.</p>
<p>I think people are making too big a deal out of this. I mean, I understand that there are some unworkable and unbearable living situations that are just too bad and need to be fixed. But seriously, some of this stuff is just the consequence of living with someone. My roommate sometimes came in late after partying. I just rolled over and went back to sleep. She just went elsewhere to study the few times I had my boyfriend over. And so on. A lot of students need to realize that living in a dorm with a roommate won’t be like living at home when they had their own room.</p>
<p>juillet - I don’t think this is a matter of just getting along in some of these cases, the RA stepping in is a joke - they seem to have no authority because everyone is required to live in the dorm fresh year, all dorm rooms are filled and the offending roomie is unwanted by everyone else as well (so even if many others would like to live with the complaining roommate, they can’t - because no one will take the offensive roommate). The lottery loser is stuck with someone who has no intention of ‘working things out’ because they don’t need to. There are no consequences.</p>
<p>Dorms are pushed to the background in the initial school search and there are a lot of very good schools with only doubles and triples w/communal bathrooms for freshman to live in and some that require freshman to live on campus. But once the kid is enrolled in dream school X, if they get a roommate with extreme lifestyle choices, they are stuck with the roommate and with whatever negative impact the roommates lifestyle has on their education. If you’re a pre-med major do you really think your medical school is going to care that your lower grades in tough science courses were due to 3-4 hours of sleep every night?</p>
<p>I think there should be some kind of a procedure to force offending roommates out of housing if they have gone through mediation after mediation and still will not cooperate with any kind of a compromise, even if they are freshmen. My cousin is an RA in the freshman dorm at her school, and the number of girls on her floor who just expect everyone, including the staff, to bend to their will if they’re obstinate enough is astounding. One girl even made a scene at the first floor meeting, in front of her roommate, because having to wait two weeks before room changes could be initiated was “nuuuuh uhh, not gonna work, honey!” They had to reschedule the floor meeting because the girl just would not shut up. And then another girl flatly refused to turn in the room inventory form because she didn’t feel she should have to, she thought the RAs should have to come in and do it for her (and clean the bathroom while they’re at it.) Most kids aren’t this nuts but can you imagine being the unlucky girls who ended up with these people? And there is really nothing the RAs can do about it.</p>
<p>The RA’s have a crappy job. They are barely older than the kids they supervise. Some are better than others. With overcrowding in dorms and dorm policies, inconsistently followed, there will be trouble.</p>
<p>Students do need to learn to get along. At the same time, there are some situations that just won’t work, and no easy solutions when there isn’t enough housing to go around. Someone will get stuck with a bad roommate.</p>
<p>I feel sorry for the RA’s - they have no power to enforce and everybody complains to them. Maybe that’s why some of them spend so little time in the dorm!</p>
<p>Man all these horror stories! My whole dorm system is incredibly accommodating. One girl lied in her roommate survey (she said she didn’t smoke, and she did.) And got placed with an asthmatic non smoker. She got kicked out of the room for lying. She got re placed with a smoker but had to live in temp housing for a while.</p>
<p>And if you have an open slot you can either do random, or pick your roommate. My roomie is transferring at term and a girl from my rowing team is moving in with me because she’s having serious roommate problems.</p>
<p>I’ve yet to hear of someone whose truly unhappy though. Good dorms do exist!</p>
<p>“I think there should be some kind of a procedure to force offending roommates out of housing if they have gone through mediation after mediation and still will not cooperate with any kind of a compromise, even if they are freshmen.”</p>
<p>I agree. The problem isn’t that there are conflicts; the problem is that some players won’t negotiate in good faith. They will just do what they want regardless of other people’s rights or needs. People who aren’t interested in being part of a residential community, period, should be told to find another living situation.</p>
<p>My freshman D is going through the same thing right now (and these problems have been around a long time, because the same thing happened w/my college roomie & BF in the 80s.) BF is on campus and they, too, went to town when they thought my D was asleep - totally unacceptable! Her college also had a survey for the kids to fill out for compatibility, but either the roomie lied or the university doesn’t try very hard - D is a non-smoking, non-partying, morning person; roomie is out partying all the time and smokes (thankfully, it’s not allowed in the dorm, but still, she brings the smell into the room). </p>
<p>This isn’t just about kids having trouble rooming and getting along with someone new, and making compromises. Some of these issues are about common decency and respect, situations that threaten kids’ academic success, and also health issues! Yes, if they’re coming in late, maybe using a nightlight or something, then just roll over and go back to sleep. But if my D has an 8am class and the roommate is coming in at all hours, flipping on lights, not even trying to be less noisy, bringing home BF, then that will most certainly affect D’s ability to perform academically. And nobody deserves to be an unwilling party to a live sex show. Sorry, people, but when you are living with someone in ONE room, you LOSE some rights.</p>
<p>I am paying waaayyy too much money to have my D subjected to this kind of thing, OR to have her ‘sexiled’. That’s just ridiculous! </p>
<p>I agree the kids should try to work things out between each other & w/RAs, but if the university isn’t going to enforce verbal or even written ‘contracts’ with consequences, then the RAs have little to back them up. Don’t let the college push you around - we pay them way too much money not to have them help recitify certain situations.</p>
<p>^^^^I agree with you totally!! I would be furious if my D were in your D’s situation…Having sex in the room when the roomate is present is just totally unacceptable and crosses the line…I would be throwing a fit!</p>
<p>The very fact that we’re having to discuss people having sex in their rooms while the roommate is present is just bizarre to me. Who raised these people?</p>
<p>I was SO thankful that S’s living situation freshman year was a 3-room double. Each student had a tiny bedroom, and they shared a tiny common room, which contained their free-standing wardrobes–there were no closets–their minifridge, and a futon couch we brought, and not much else. The rooms were small, but the ability to go into a space and close the door behind you is invaluable. And they didn’t have to walk through each other’s bedrooms to do it.</p>
<p>I’m late to this thread, but I heard something interesting yesterday. One of the top-rated publics is in the process of building new dorms. Apparently they did lots of research about the best possible configuration (suite-style vs. hall-style, etc.) in light of the tragedy at Virginia Tech, and came to the conclusion that hall-style is the best as far as safety goes because the chances of isolation in suite-style living are much greater. </p>
<p>I was not able to pursue the conversation further (I was at a cocktail party) and don’t know any details, but it was something I had never thought about.</p>
<p>“I really have a hard time with the whole sexiling thing…I would be furious if my D were ever asked to leave her own room, that we are paying for, so her roomate could have sex with her boyfriend.”</p>
<p>Many students don’t have a problem with this unless it’s excessive, inconvenient or unexpected . The students know that their roommates will return the favor for them. Most students eventually will get involved in some kind of sexual activity or other activity while in college and will want their privacy in their room.</p>
<p>I guess it depends on the student and whether they think they will need to have the “favor” returned…maybe as a mom, I would not want to believe that this would be the case with my D…naive maybe…who knows. ;)</p>
<p>75% of boys, 60% of girls have had intercourse by the time they graduate from high school.</p>
<p>The majority of those who haven’t will have their first sexual intercourse while in college.</p>
<p>Source – Alan Guttmacher Institute, 1994</p>
<p>However, even if they’re not having sex, there can be times like study groups on projects that students would like to not have their roommates present in their rooms, so even sexually abstinent students can be tolerant of being sexiled because they know they may need privacy in the room sometimes, too.</p>
<p>I don’t have a problem if both roommates are agreeable to the whole ‘sexiling’ thing, whether I think it’s ridiculous or not, whatever. But I’m with SWTCAT - I know that my D would NOT be OK with it, could say with almost 100% certainty that she would NOT be seeking a return favor, and again - we are paying too darn much money for her to have to deal with this kind of stuff! </p>
<p>Just because you’re 18 and away from your parents for the first time in your life doesn’t mean you get carte blanche! You are sharing a room with a virtual stranger - ONE room! That room is all each student has to call his or her own when they are away at college; SO SORRY if that means you have to figure some OTHER way to get busy!</p>
<p>Many here seem to have lived very sheltered lives and went to Bible colleges. All this has been SOP for at least 40 years. Many of the people most vocal in getting the right to have boys in their rooms overnight were the college women. Maybe they feel more control/safe in their own place.</p>