<p>Spare me your psych-analysis! I was no angel, live in ‘liberal’ NJ, and am not judging those teens who are choosing to be sexually active. My D just happens to be one of those who is not - and I bet there are more of them out there than you’d think. My D is much less wild than I was at her age, though it is not from me trying to shelter her. It is of her own choosing and don’t expect either of us to apologize for it! Naive? Perhaps a little. Do I believe that sexual activity on college campuses is abundant? Of course. But that doesn’t make it right to banish a student from the only place they have to call ‘home’ on campus, or to engage in sexual activity with your roommate in the room!</p>
<p>"I know that my D would NOT be OK with it, could say with almost 100% certainty that she would NOT be seeking a return favor, and again - we are paying too darn much money for her to have to deal with this kind of stuff! "</p>
<p>Never say “never.”</p>
<p>When I advised a college newspaper, a star student published an op ed piece about why she was a virgin, and planned to stay one until marriage. By the time she had graduated, she had 2 out of wedlock kids. </p>
<p>The sex drive is extremely powerful and many young people change their mind about abstinence as they grow older.</p>
<p>I’m not naive or foolish enough to think that my D is going to stay of this mindset forever! I only know that right now, with everything else she is going through adjusting to college, this kind of thing isn’t even on her radar and having to deal with it on top of everything else has nearly sent her over the edge.</p>
<p>"Many of the people most vocal in getting the right to have boys in their rooms overnight were the college women. Maybe they feel more control/safe in their own place. </p>
<p>Girls’ rooms tend to be cleaner.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Prior to the drastic changes in rules in around 1970, at many colleges, there were few restrictions placed on the guys. It was the girls who couldn’t have opposite-sex guests in their rooms and who had curfews. They wanted the right because they didn’t have it.</p>
<p>I have posted on other threads stories of my freshman roommate, who did many of the things that are being complained of (live sex show for the on campus guy, and sexile when the off campus guy from another college came to visit.) It was not until she rearranged the furniture (without my input or consent) from “my side and yours” type to all hers and I couldn’t get out of bed due to the arrangement, did I explode. Explode I did…Fortunately, I was able to move. Yes, if I had been more mature at that age I might have been able to have a nice discussion and tell her what a selfish person i thought she was, but I wasn’t. </p>
<p>Even if 90% of the college kids were hooking up on a nightly basis, that doesn’t mean that the “nun” or “monk” who is not into that lifestyle has to put up with it in the one place that they have to sleep. I don’t understand why one person has a right to throw the other out or make it an unwilling triple. Can’t they find an empty broom closet or hotel room? </p>
<p>BTW, Northstarmom, usually study groups that I was in did not come in drunk in the middle of the night and wake others up. Study groups were arranged in advance, and I would never have wanted one in my bedroom! At the schools that I attended there were rooms in the student centers and libraries and even classroom buildings that could be used for study groups</p>
<p>I’m very thankful my d is in a single. She’s VERY outgoing and has lots of friends, but when she wants her alone time she can have it in the privacy of her own room.</p>
<p>Her next door neighbor (in a double) got sexiled over the weekend. Like SJM I’d be furious if that happened to my dd. A student’s room should be her available to her at all times.</p>
<p>The right to have male overnight guests was a right vis-a-vis the school’s rules, NOT vis-a-vis any individual roommate. Disrespect and bad manners know no gender. Lesbian sex in the roommate’s presence is just as inappropriate (and it happens!).</p>
<p>Regarding sexiling - I liked the advice given in The Naked Roommate; the advice given states that if roomie is into having sex while you’re in the room you are not obligated to petend you’re asleep - you are allowed to watch and comment i.e. “That was really quick”. Although some of the worst behavior I’ve heard of makes me think that instead of realizing an alternative location should be chosen (motel 6) some of these offending kids would then ask if the roommate would like to either join them or film the whole thing so they can post it online.</p>
<p>So many of the posts on this thread do raise questions about where these kids were raised.</p>
<p>I think most rules on overnight guests were universal. Curfews were just for women.
They were raised in homes just like yours for the most part. Some rich, some not rich, some big city, some small town. But they all like a good time when they were in the mood. I just chuckle when I read what some think their kids are doing and likely reality. Most kids lie to their parents–even nice middleclass ones from nice homes.</p>
<p>This is sounding like Jersey Shore to a t.</p>
<p>Not at all. But keep believing that if it makes you feel better.</p>
<p>"you are allowed to watch and comment i.e. "</p>
<p>I was ALSO thinking videotaping (is it still called that if you use a cell phone?) and youtube…</p>
<p>It would be really convenient if colleges could pair up students who have boyfriends/girlfriends with others in the same situation and give truly single people equally unattached roommates.</p>
<p>The idea that one roommate might want exclusive access to the room for a few hours for the purpose of private activity tends not to be considered an imposition if the other roommate is going to want the same thing later in the week (or later in the day – or ten seconds after the other person’s girlfriend leaves). But if one of the people sharing the room has a significant other and the other roommate doesn’t, the situation is quite different. The unattached roommate can feel very imposed upon and inconvenienced.</p>
<p>I’m not sure how much that would help. I am engaged and I still would not be willing to deal with co-ed sleepovers. I would be willing to allow private time during the day with SOME kind of notice (so I can at least get my books out first or whatever) but not at night when I want to sleep and not all the time, either. I did propose to my roommate last year that I would leave at least one weekend a month and whenever possible two weekends so that she could have the dorm to herself, so it’s not like I am totally unreasonable about it (in my opinion-- that gives her 6-8 days a month), but just because I have an SO myself doesn’t mean I would want to deal with any of this garbage. My roommate ended up being single most of the year and I really don’t think either of our lifestyles drastically interfered with the other.</p>
<p>I would think that girls with partners would specifically not be cool with this, given that then their boyfriends would have to be chill with her having sleepovers with other boys, but I suppose we are a touch more conservative than others. I don’t think my fiance would mind if I slept over with a large group that was co-ed but he’d be creeped out if there were just some guy in the room with me and the roommate-- and it really bothered me when one year he was living in a two bedroom, shared living room suite and his roommate’s girlfriend was essentially living with them and was there even when roommate was home for the weekend. I knew he wouldn’t do anything but it’s just not an appropriate situation to be in.</p>
<p>Ok…I am thinking that some of you would be okay with your freshman D or S rooming with thier BF or GF…why not? That would be a great solution to this sexile problem…since those type of relationships have such long-term track records 
I wonder if they could make it through the whole semester or maybe if thier lucky, the whole year…</p>
<p>Where in society is it okay for two people to have sex in the room while another third party is in the room trying to sleep?? All I am saying is that if I am paying for my D to live in a room for the year, then that is her sanctuary and her right to be in that room whenever she wants to and she should not have to worry about whether the roomate and her GF/BF are getting busy…</p>
<p>Oh wait, like someone eles said, maybe she could just take out her camera and start taping it…then the dorm could have movie night for everyone to see…right? Or better still, why not invite everyone in for a “live” performance?? Obviously my point is that this should be a private matter between two people…</p>
<p>
A more brilliant statement I have not seen. :rolleyes:</p>
<p>What’s the alternative? Ya think maybe it was the boys vocally trying to get other boys in their rooms?? :rolleyes: :rolleyes:</p>
<p>".I am thinking that some of you would be okay with your freshman D or S rooming with thier BF or GF…why not? That would be a great solution to this sexile problem…since those type of relationships have such long-term track records I wonder if they could make it through the whole semester or maybe if thier lucky, the whole year…</p>
<p>Where in society is it okay for two people to have sex in the room while another third party is in the room trying to sleep?? "</p>
<p>I don’t think that any parents said it was OK for students to have sex in their room while their roommate was there. I think that perhaps one student made that statement.</p>
<p>In many developing countries, however, it is the norm for people to have sex while family members are sleeping nearby. It probably also was the norm in the U.S. during the pioneer days.</p>
<p>My daughter’s school had no roommate questionnaire or matching system - it was totally random within the residential community chosen by the student. It worked out O.K. for her and I suspect that if she had been given a questionnaire she would have made herself sound more social than she is (she didn’t fully realize how sheltered before college, but she’s getting the big picture). The university says they did away with the matching system because so many people lied - or perhaps their parents filled out the forms for them.</p>
<p>I think some sort of matching system would have been a good idea - perhaps with the condition that if lifestyle has been grossly misrepresented that you realize you may the one moved to whatever space is available if things don’t work out. As it is, it seems the universal practice is to move the complaining student - who just wants to sleep or study - to whatever broom closet the university has left. Too often this works out to punishing the kids who came to college to study. I think the colleges are lax in aligning their housing policies with their academic purpose.</p>
<p>The men could have as easily taken the lead in opening all dorms to visitation (as the rules covered mens’ and womens’ dorms equally). But in this case it was the women that took the lead in the fight for open visitation. It’s not that complicated.</p>