<p>All the kids are out of the house now and a couple of them have SOs, one for more than a year and quite serious. She wants him to spend Christmas with her and her family. I am okay with it but he is not so sure. The families are an 8 hour drive apart so spending the day with both would be a stretch. What do you think?</p>
<p>If the kid(s) are out of the house, they are probably in their 20’s (?) so what I think is that it’s their choice how and where to spend their holiday! While I’d love them “home”, it’s not my call. </p>
<p>I’m a little confused - are you saying YOUR significant other (husband or otherwise) is “not so sure” about the kid(s) not being home for the holidays???</p>
<p>If he is not sure, he should come home to his family. Do they live together? I’m sort of in the same boat. S won’t commit to the dates he is coming home, says he hasn’t got his leave papers approved just yet. I know his GF and her family are going to Mexico for the holidays. Something tells me he has been invited and can’t decide (or is afraid to tell me he isn’t coming here). They do not live together. I will support whatever decision he makes but he doesn’t come home very often (he’s 9 hours away, but lives near her and her family and sees them all the time) and we were really counting on seeing him during the holidays.</p>
<p>We spent the first 20 years of our marriage trying to make both sets of parents happy about the holiday visits. I told my kids they were under no obligations and I didn’t want to guilt them out. This Thanksgiving was the first I didn’t have them all, because of geographical constraints. Everyone will come for Christmas. So far the SOs seem to want to spend the holidays here. For one SO, they aren’t really her holidays (as she pointed out when I expressed my gratitude) so that is pretty easy.</p>
<p>I miss my children and their SOs like crazy, but at this point it’s their lives and they need to do what they want to do. </p>
<p>Its their life and their choice. My kids live on the other coast. We have had to work out holidays that works for everyone. It is what is.</p>
<p>Alh, we too spent the majority of our holidays when the kids were young schlepping them from place to place. I have told my kids the same thing about the holidays, that they should do what makes them happy. I think part of my son’s reticence is that our family is more fun than hers and he is afraid that he is going to miss out on a good time. I think he should spend it with her but ultimately it is his decision. </p>
<p>Life is full of choices and compromises.</p>
<p>To add, DS#2 visits his GF in another city frequently. She has her own place but they go to her parents home, which is nearby, frequently. There is some tension there (not between he or his GF and patents) but for other reasons beyond the scope of this conversation. Regardless, he goes with her, smiles and is polite because he is supportive of her and its the right thing to do. Sometimes spending time with the other family isnt fun, but its the right thing to do.</p>
<p>DS’s GF is 19 and he is 20. They have been dating since last spring. She spent July 4th weekend and Thanksgiving break with us… He has already gone and stayed at their place at least twice. I figure since they are in college they can decide where they want to spend the holidays. He is not going to her place for Christmas. However I think it’s more because she’s flying home than anything else. When I was in college I lived near my BF’s parents so I ended up over there for part of Christmas. I would let your DS know that you would like him to spend the day with him however it was really up to him. Also you could invite her to YOUR house for christmas. 
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<p>I’m not there yet, but may I make a suggestion?</p>
<p>My much-older BIL and SIL solved the problem in a way I like a lot. Basically, everyone has agreed that every other Christmas is “their” Christmas. On the even years, all the kids travel to their in-laws (Illinois, Tennessee, El Paso), and on the odd years the kids stay in Houston with my BIL/SIL. It’s worked out wonderfully. And those years are a hoot! (We go those years, too!) And sometimes, like this year, the in-laws decide they want to travel. The niece whose in-laws are in Tennessee will be here this year because her in-laws decided they want to be warmer in Houston this year! </p>
<p>For a period of time, my parents started having two Christmases. One of the 25th and the other when their kids who spent holidays with the in-laws that year could make it in During that time my kids had a huge Christmas Eve with husband’s family, Christmas Day with mine, and an “extra” Christmas when their remaining aunts/uncles/cousins arrived in town. I will never be able to equal this extravaganza. My mother was really just amazing. </p>
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<p>I always wished we could have done it that way. However, both my parents and DH’s were divorced and re-married, so there were FOUR SETS of grandparents to make happy. For years, we went from house to house four times each Christmas. I called it the “three county waltz.” After our kids got out of diapers, we tried to cut down on some of that by not ever leaving our home on Christmas Day. But none of the inlaws wanted to “share” their time with us with the other inlaws, so it has remained an ordeal of multiple dates and a source of stress to this day. Some years I rebelled and did all the celebrations at our house so that the kids could make memories of those times at home. But then I’d have a nervous breakdown from hosting four dinners. Then, my Mom got sick and couldn’t make the 40 minute drives, so we always had to go there to see her. It was a mess, quite frankly.</p>
<p>That’s why this year DH and I and the two girls are going to spend Christmas together in Germany. </p>
<p>I’m very hopeful that the girls’ future SOs do not have divorced parents so that we can do the every other year thing if that works for them.</p>
<p>youdon’tsay: I am extremely impressed your family could coordinate the alternate year scenario. </p>
<p>I have a sister-in-law whose family rotated Christmas between five family members living all over the US. They were all excellent planners. They had to be to pull this off annually.</p>
<p>Only one of the nieces by marriage comes from a divorced family. The father is the one in El Paso. All his kids are in Houston so the expectation is that if he wants to see his kids and grandkids, he goes there!</p>
<p>I don’t know what I’d do in the event of lots of divorces. Ds2 used to date a girl in the same predicament. They tried to see grandparents all over Texas.</p>
<p>alh: I like it because every other year, you get the kids’ FULL attention, which I think is worth a lot.</p>
<p>We alternated Thanksgiving until I realized the in laws didn’t really like celebrating Thanksgiving, but it was a big holiday for mine. When my son was 2 and got sick on Christmas away from home we decided from that point on Christmas was at our house, if any grandparents wanted to travel, we’d be happy to see them. My parents ended up coming down before Christmas, we’d do a big Christmas Eve dinner, and they stayed for the present opening and breakfast, and they drove the 4 hours home and spent the afternoon and evening with everyone else. It worked well for many years. My in laws never wanted to come. When my kids have kids or jobs that won’t allow them to travel home I will go see them. </p>
<p>The best gift you can give your adult children is not to feel “obligated” to visit for the holidays or have to choose between one set of in-laws or the other. No one needs any more pressure during the holiday season. My kids don’t have serious boyfriends yet, but in the future, I have no expectations. If I want to see them, I can always get on a plane any time of year. </p>
<p>I don’t think “shoulds” belong here. It’s something the kids need to figure out on their own. My older kids grew up with divorced parents so they spent alternating holidays with me or their father. It was painful at first, but my mother always resented that my father, and only child refused to spend Christmas any place other than at home so that his mother could be there. I know she wanted, just once, to be with her folks on Christmas but it never did happen. </p>
<p>I feel the same as megpmom-I’m not going to pressure my kids to be with me. So far, they are usually here, but if they go to their dad’s or an SO’s, that is up to them.</p>
<p>I think this will be the 6th year my son will be at his s/o’s house for Xmas. She has siblings, while my son does not, though I don’t know if this is a factor. Last year they came to my house for T-day/Hannukah. This year, son too busy to fly across country. I miss him, but I will not make him feel guilty for doing what they chose to do as a couple. </p>
<p>When their life settles down, I can visit them.</p>
<p>My parents were always pretty flexible about what days we celebrated major holidays. They always had Christmas with whomever was home on Christmas Day, but they held another one when the stragglers showed up (usually around New Year’s).</p>
<p>When our children were small we spent most Thanksgivings at home. As they’ve gotten older we generally go wherever my husband’s parents are (they’re the only living grandparents and they aren’t getting any younger). This year there were too many work conflicts to get together on Thanksgiving so we had a Thanksgiving at home on Thurs, had members of my family over for a 2nd meal on Friday, then went to my in-laws to have another dinner on Sat. Perhaps I should mention that they’re Italian. Lol. I guess their schedule isn’t for lightweights.</p>
<p>We go to my in-laws on Christmas Eve, spend Christmas Day at home, and (now that my parents are gone) visit various family members for the remainder of the 12 days. My parents told us when we got married that we were starting our own family and however we wanted to handle the holidays was fine with them. They’d love to see us anytime we could drop by. I plan to carry that on for my own children.</p>
<p>Recently, my 22 yr old S and his GF of 5 years had the conversation (when I was in the same room, but not directed at me) of holidays and dating couples. They are clearly stuck like glue and I would expect an engagement before too long. I heard them to say, " why even worry about whose house to go to until you are married?! If you’re not married, but stick with your own family for the day." Haha, kind of made me smile! Now it is true that S and GF are currently in the same town and see either other almost daily. </p>
<p>Distance does play a role if that’s the case. Makes things much more difficult for “choosing”. </p>