<p>I’m also letting the kids sort this out. Inlaws lived just over an hour from my folks and for the first decade of our marriage we were so busy pleasing everyone that we had no time to enjoy the double visits. </p>
<p>I vowed I would not guilt trip our kids around these issues and happily, the time is well shared with both of their SO’s families. Sometimes they divide and conquer, sometimes they do both over a reasonable time frame and we are happy to flex. </p>
<p>Both my family and my H family lived in same area, however it was stressful seeing his relatives, to the point that we began going away for the holiday when oldest was six, and visited relatives after we returned. Much less stressful.
We did this for 20 years through youngests senior yr of high school, although we originally intended to do it for only1 or 2 years.</p>
<p>This year youngest & her SO can’t get away from work, so both H & I and SOs parents, will be going to visit them.
( We haven’t spent any holidays with oldest and her new husband for a couple years, maybe next year)</p>
<p>I agree it should be up to the kids what they do. I’m not wedded to specific holidays, especially if I get to spend time with them the rest of the year. </p>
<p>Since I am Jewish and H is Catholic it’s only Thanksgiving were we have had to alternate and we stopped doing that several years ago because my family is way more fun. 
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<p>When the time comes S and his SO can decide for themselves. </p>
<p>My kids have been allowed to spend holidays with SO’s as soon as they had SO’s. Usually, if distance permits, we will “share the day,” but if that’s not possible, then we celebrate on different days.</p>
<p>Don’t stress your kids out about holidays. You don’t want to be known as the parent who is difficult about holidays!</p>
<p>(I don’t mean to use the word, “allowed” in the first sentence in a way to suggest that they needed my permission. lol )</p>
<p>We aren’t christian, but DH’s birthday is on xmas. Adds to the challenge.</p>
<p>We have 2 kids – one married, the other engaged. Years before the kids had significant others, I told them we would always be happy to see them, but hoped to never “guilt trip” them re holidays. I would be fine (I think) celebrating seasonal events on days other than that set on a calendar.</p>
<p>So far we have been very blessed that our kids have celebrated most major holidays with us. We are also friendly enough with their in-laws to share holidays with them as well. (One set of in-laws local, the other a plane ride away, but we have gone there. They are of course welcome at our home for holidays as well.)</p>
<p>My approach is that I would always rather be missed, than resented for pressuring my kids. I would never want them coming out of a sense of obligation, rather would like to feel that they are coming enthusiastically when they come.</p>
<p>P.S. EDITED TO ADD:
In response to the original query, for our kids sharing holidays with their significant others’ families happened pretty much/roughly around the time of the engagements.</p>
<p>We spent one Christmas with my inlaws. We have never spent Christmas with my family (who doesn’t all celebrate the holiday). When DH and I were dating, we spent the holiday together…at neither family. DH had to be at work at 9:00 a.m. on December 26. It was just impossible to make the trip. We caught a lot of flack. The following year, we went…but it was the last time. Our families live a good long distance away. We celebrate these holidays with friends.</p>
<p>Our kids have been with us off and on since graduating from college. They both are at our house some time during the week between Christmas and New Years…but not always on Christmas.</p>
<p>This year we will celebrate Christmas on December 27.</p>
<p>It’s most,y work schedules that are the issue here…not S.O.</p>
<p>Stopped spending any holiday with H’s family years ago because as emilybee said, my family is a lot more fun. </p>
<p>This recent Thanksgiving we went to my nieces, 3 1/2 hours drive away. S brought his GF because her family does T-giving on Saturday because her father has to work on T-giving. So she came to ours and S went to theirs on Sat. Perfect!</p>
<p>D1 was going through a break up last Thanksgiving and decided to spend it in Europe. Second time without her ( first being her semester abroad). Now they are back together. He tends to want to be with his family. (They have been together for almost 5 years besides the 5 month breakup.). It’s their decision obviously. This T-giving he was working in Canada so he did not have it off. He drove down to his parents house on Saturday and my D1 met him there for their T-giving. So far D1 will be home for Christmas. Not sure if bf will be here or what. </p>
<p>BTW, he caused the breakup. He asked for the reunion. We have not seen him since before the breakup. Feel like first meeting will be very awkward! Haha.</p>
<p>A tangential question.
Since BFs parents will be nearby ( oh look, I just noticed my photo showed up!)
Probably also with their adult daughter, but not staying at the lodge where D & Bf live as we will be, I wanted to bring something for them to share.
(We’ve met them several times, shared meals etc & get along well)
Any ideas? Or recipes that travel well?</p>
<p>My old boss solved this problem by having Christmas in July when nobody had in-law obligations–he pulled out the tree and decorated the house. Always sounded like fun!</p>
<p>EK, I’m not sure I fully understand (over the holidays you will be staying at a lodge and your D’s BF’s parents will be too??) - but how about some home baked bread like cranberry nut or banana??? Or some Hickory Farm type stuff - crackers, beef stick, apples, pears, cheese that doesn’t need to be refrigerated but that can be a good snack, lite lunch, late evening fill-in food???</p>
<p>During college, I had to stay with my parents on holidays and my SO had to stay with his parents on holidays. For the actual day. Then we would make sure to be together for all of the other days off. We figured we could give them one day that we were apart (we were living together in college), as long as we were together the rest of the days off. Then again, neither of us are big on holidays.</p>
<p>As for the OP - why is your daughter pushing her SO to be with your family, not his family instead or let them be separate? Is it worth making an issue over? If she went to his family, would that be her first Christmas away from home?</p>
<p>When you invite someone somewhere, and they hesitate, maybe it’s time to back off.</p>
<p>I guess I would have said, if my SO was hesitant about an offer to spend time with my family on Christmas, “do you think we should each be with our own families, or maybe your parents would welcome both of us?”. I’m just wondering what alternative is preferred in his mind.</p>
<p>Perhaps the OP can offer a “mini-Christmas” celebration after the actual day, if he would rather be with his family on the holiday. Everyone being happy is the most important thing, and it seems the SO is not happy about something regarding spending the holidays with your family.</p>
<p>Have not read every post. Still want to say that I have made it clear to DIL and S that we are happy whenever they can visit. It seems to be evolving that they are here for Thankgiving ( my least favorite holiday:). and a few days the week of Christmas and with her family on that day. I respect this as her B and my S our best friends and S looks forward to her B being home for a week or so. And DIL enjoys her sis visiting then.</p>
<p>I really think H and I can/will weather whatever we need to–even being alone. As long as S and DIL feel free of guilt whatever they decide to do.</p>
<p>I have friends who do not agree with me at all. And, yes, their kids make it happen for their parents. Just so not me.</p>
<p>My fiance and I have been living together since our first holiday season as a couple. We’ve spent Thanksgiving apart pretty much every year since we’ve been together (I think we were together once…). Neither of us care about Thanksgiving and are comfortable with continuing the separate thing until we have kids. </p>
<p>Christmas day is spent with my family. His family has “family Christmas” in between Christmas and New Years that we go to. It works pretty nicely. </p>
<p>My mother discovered a while back that if you rent a house somewhere fabulous (like Hawaii) for ten days, all the kids and their SOs show up for the entire length of the rental, no questions asked. The budget no longer allows for that kind of strategy, but it worked without fail. So this year, Christmas in Chicago with 3 out of 4.</p>
<p>We were lucky that my siblings all lived around the tri-states. In the last 30+ years we always have xmas eve with my parents, then next day my siblings would go to their in-laws for xmas day. We always spend xmas day by ourselves, just four of us. This year will be the same.</p>
<p>D1 has a BF of 5 years. They used to spend holidays their their own family, but as of 2 years ago they started to spend the weekend before xmas with our family (my parents house) and the weekend after with his family, and spend the actual day with their own family. D1 BF’s family lives 2 hours from us. If they should get married, I could see them spending xmas eve with us and drive 2 hours to be with his family on xmas day. </p>
<p>In general, I would expect my kids to be home for xmas until they are married. After that, I hope we could work out something we could all be happy with.</p>
<p>S has been away the last two Christmases: first living abroad, last year visiting an SO abroad. He asked if I minded, and I said to go ahead. (It was going to be perhaps the only feasible time for him to see her.) That relationship ended (on a mutually cordial note, as far as I can tell) and he is now involved in what seems to be a serious relationship. We just met her after Thanksgiving. I’ve invited her to come here for Christmas, and asked him to come. He is tired of travelling when he has these chunks of time, but it’s only about a 2 1/2-3 hr drive from his place to ours. He has 4 days off, then has to work for a couple of days, then has another 3 off. I said that they could come here for the 4-day chunk, then go back to his place and remain there until she has to go back to NYC. That seems reasonable to me.</p>
<p>He;s an only child, and H is The Grinch. I decided that I would ask for what <em>I</em> want, for a change. We’ll see what happens!</p>
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<p>I hope you get your wish, Consolation!</p>
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<p>I just love this, megpmom. </p>
<p>H and I have never lived near family. We tried to visit years ago but with our families living close to each other it was exhausting and stressful. It was also difficult to manage travel with both of us working. My parents came out a few times when the kids were young, but not until the 26th, because a few of my siblings were unmarried at the time(the siblings didn’t care, but my folks felt guilty). H’s parent’s refused to ever come to our house for the holidays.</p>
<p>Based on the above, H and I have decided that we will be flexible. D is getting married next fall and we do not expect her and her H to spend every holiday with us. We get that sometimes they will go to visit his family and sometimes they will want to be home. We will do our best to be fair to both our D and our S and any future families they may have.</p>
<p>D and her BF of 3+ years are spending Christmas with us. We didn’t ask, but needless to say, we’re thrilled. They spent Thanksgiving with his mom, who lives in their area. They’re a grown-up couple, and they decide where they spend holidays. But I know D well enough to know that the less I ask, the more she’ll come.</p>
<p>This year for the first time, we included BF in the family name-draw (we asked him first). And I’ve ordered a personalized stocking for him for the mantel, to be hung with everyone else’s. He’s “ours” now. :)</p>