<p>They’re coming! <:-P </p>
<p>We’ve always done Thanksgiving with the Jewish side and Christmas with the Christian side (one advantage of a “mixed” marriage). Our son brought his SO with us for Thanksgiving, but she’s going to be with her own family (without him) for Christmas.</p>
<p>I also agree that it’s a good idea to avoid being too obsessed about what specific day you celebrate the holiday.</p>
<p>We have been fortunate, so far, our kids have always chosen to fly to be with us for Christmas (and New Year’s). This is the first year that S will NOT be in HI for New Year’s. I’m excited and hoping it means he’s spending it with friends, tho he won’t confide.</p>
<p>My MIL & FIL lived in HI in the early years of our mariage, so going from one family to the other was easy and we did it often. Mine was the huge gathering of 25-50 people while theirs mainly focused on us and our kids. FIL and H’s other sibs moved to SF for a while thereafter, so we flew up in November or December, to spend some time with them but still were in HI for Christmas and New Year’s, Sometimes we would celembrate Thanksgiving with them and we would also try to celebrate Chinese New Year’s with them. It has worked well.</p>
<p>Neither kid has acknowledged any SO yet, but S is dating we believe. We do NOT pressure either of our kids to spend time with us, but leave the invitation open whenever they’d like to join us in HI or on any of our trips. It has worked great for us so far.</p>
<p>D and her boyfriend are going home tomorrow, and we’ve had a wonderful visit with them. He’s been a trooper, cheerfully involving himself in all the traditions and rituals of his girlfriend’s family’s Christmas. We will miss them.</p>
<p>My parents divorced when I was in college and have both since remarried. My brother and I decided early on that we wanted to spend holidays together so we have spent the last 15+ Thanksgivings, all of us, togther for 5 days. The grandkids of course were/are the big attraction and everyone just gets along. It’s a good situation!</p>
<p>I’ve already told both my college-age kids that I will never have any demands around the holidays. They are always welcome with anyone they’d like to include or I will happily come to them. We just spent our first-ever Christmas away on a cruise and, let me tell you, if I never host another Christmas, I won’t be that disappointed! 
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We told DS the same. His life (and his SO’s life) will likely be more busy than us. (Esp after we have retired.) So it is more reasonable for us to travel to their place than the other way around.</p>
<p>Unrelated to the topic here (but it is still related to the relationship between parents/in-laws and future S/D/SIL/DIL: During this break, I asked DS a question: How much do you think we should/could contribute to his wedding/marriage in the future? Knowing that I will not get a concrete answer, I change it into a yes-no question: If the “parents’ contribution” is about the same as 1-year private (or public) college tuitions, will it be enough? I still did not get the answer. But I think I just want the discussion to get started in order to manage the expectation (Is this kind of discussion, i.e., what kind of wedding is affordable, somewhat similar to the discussion about what college is affordable?!) If the child gets married before his career is established and makes real money, it is inevitable that the parents will likely shoulder this cost just like college education expenses - it could be worse in that there is no federal government guaranteed financial aids for marriage. But its cost could be more manageable.</p>
<p>@mcat2 - Has your son talked about getting married or engaged to the GF he has been dating? If not you may be putting pressure on him… </p>
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<p>Good heavens, families are different!</p>
<p>My parents divorced when I was nine. My future husband’s parents divorced when he was in college (at which point we were already dating). Three of the four remarried. On top of this, my mother and my husband’s father had been involved in a business situation together, which did not go well. The only time all seven parents/stepparents were in the same room was at my wedding, during which they spent most of the time glaring at each other. Most of them were not on speaking terms. </p>
<p>I can’t even imagine a jointly celebrated Thanksgiving. There would have been drumsticks flying around the dining room. </p>
<p>@Marian We do feel thankful that everyone can get along. </p>
<p>Let the kids make their plans and welcome them with open arms when they come around.</p>
<p>@MichiganGeorgia, He has not. We think it is better to discuss this matter earlier than later, just like it is better to discuss the cost of college earlier than later. We are near the retirement. The bank of mom and dad has limited resources.</p>
<p>At least it would be better than the “deal” my wife and I had a generation ago. Both of us had already had jobs (albeit only for a year and a half only) and had been dating for 4 years. When we went to my parents asking for a wedding, we were told we should work for several years and saved money in THEIR account. It is only when there was enough money in that account, we would be “allowed” to get married. (On the other hand, my elder brother could get married while he was still a grad student without income. Why?!)</p>
<p>We might be over-sensitive to this matter because of our past (and only) experience. We are willing to do something for our offspring but only to a certain limit (because of our limited financial resources.)</p>
<p>@mcat2 - OK. I can understand limits resources. Your son is older than mine(he’s 20) he has a GF(19) and they seem to get along well. I think if I started talking about how much I was willing to spend on his wedding he would probably think I was pushing him into getting married.</p>
<p>They are about 7 years older than yours.</p>
<p>An issue for them is that the only time that is more available for them is the year ahead. After that, it will be more challenging for them to find a suitable time. I think it will be like no longer break in the whole year.</p>
<p>Tough transition for parents, when they graduate and go from visits that last for weeks or months, to work-constrained visits that last for a few days. :-(</p>
<p>I think we hit the BIG transition last year. When D said “i am going home for Christmas” and she meant her home (in Europe) not mine here in the US. That was a shock to the system.</p>
<p>We had a lovely visit with S, who arrived on Christmas eve in time for dinner, and GF, who arrived on Christmas in time for dinner. They had to leave Sat eve, because he had to work the next day. Short but sweet. They seem to be making plans to be in the same vicinity for the next few years…:)</p>
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<p>I don’t even expect that. </p>
<p>My son has missed two Christmases at our house – one because he was moving from one city to another during Christmas week and one because he had recently started a new job and couldn’t take time off so soon.</p>
<p>And not only is he unmarried, he doesn’t even have a SO.</p>
<p>In my opinion, there are no rules. People do what they need to do, and the goal is to try to maintain family ties, one way or another. I think this is accomplished most easily if you don’t make demands.</p>
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<p>I agree with this and my kids have spent every Christmas with us before marriage even though they have lived across the country for years.
My son had a fiancé last Christmas and his then future in-laws lived 40 miles away but he still flew 3000 miles to spend Christmas with us.
We go to them for Thanksgiving.</p>
<p>My married kids have decided to make their Christmas plans in alternate years between us and their in-laws.</p>
<p>Our friends who are in their 80’s spent Christmas by themselves, even though they have 4 children.
Each family has different expectations.</p>
<p>A colleague once told me that, in the past few years and likely in the next few years as well, unless he visits the home of his S/DIL, he essentially has no chance to see them at all. When his S has the time off, his DIL may not have the time off, or vice versa. Actually, he (my colleague) works in one city, and his wife works in another city half the country away. He and his wife have a “long distance husband-wife relationship” for the past 8 years! I think he saw her wife like 4 times a year, each time for a few days only. So the situation for his S and DIL is actually better than his and his wife’s.</p>
Once D got a job in a city 800 miles from me, and an SO whose family also wants to see him at the holidays, I feel that I no longer have the right to “expect” anything. Hope, yes, but now that she’s an independent adult, expectations have given way to compromise and mutual respect. And I have to say, they did a beautiful job of accommodating both families this year.