I’d email her, and ask her to please mail you a check.
$250 is a lot of money. I would not “let it go” without repayment.
Tell her that next time you’d rather go to Applebee’s or something, and when she asks why, say that you can’t afford to eat out at fancy restaurants anymore because she never repaid you that $250. Bring a 2-for-1 coupon for added effect.
No no, don’t use a B1G1 because guess who’s going to be the “buy 1” and who will be the “get 1 free.” And then you’ll have to tip for two meals.
I remember our first meal for two over $100 - in the early 80’s, Lutece in NYC. Now it’s pretty normal. We’ve passed $200 on special occasions at top restaurants, especially steak restaurants where the baked potato is $12. But at least it’s big enough to feed at least two people and usually more.
You could send a SASE with a note that you’ve been forgetting to remind her like she asked, so this will save both of you the mental effort.
We have so many people here in the cafe from different backgrounds, including financial. Clearly, these are two couples who do go out to dinner and spend $125 per person, at least on occasion. I do understand that the other couple may have spent greater than 50% of the bill (multiple top shelf cocktails, etc.) but, still, at that level, couples just split the bill and don’t go line by line and figure out which couple owes more. So, while I understand that $250 is a lot of money, I don’t believe it is quite as much to the people under discussion here as it is to others. I’d absolutely be ticked off too which is why, at the next dinner, although I’d be risking dh being annoyed with me, I’d indicate that it was their turn to pick up the check since we covered it the prior time.
I think clarification should come before arriving at the next dinner.
But I wouldn’t be calling to make plans, not with this history.
Why do you have to let it go? Is it because you are afraid to be upfront and say something and you don’t want to do that? This will ALWAYS eat at you.
Interesting answers.
I think it needs to be let go for a couple of reasons. One being that the husband isn’t bothered by either being paid back or the amount of the dinner. Sometimes I have to let go of things that my other half deems unimportant. I really do think that if this board was primarily made up of men, the answers here would be different.
To women, to be paid back is one of their love languages. That the person remembers and pays back money owed, it means that they care for you. For many men, if someone doesn’t pay you back, it means they forgot. There is no emotion involved. If they wanted the money, they’d ask. I think it’s much less complicated. That is how mine thinks at least.
I think that this might be more about that the wife keeps bringing it up but not following through.
I don’t think the amount is that important to the OP. But I can absolutely see that a nice dinner out can get to that point. My H’s brother and his wife have a different idea about restaurants than my H and I. Sometimes I cringe and pray for separate checks.
We go out, order one glass of wine for me (h doesn’t drink) and 2 of the cheaper entrees, maybe dessert to share. Still the bill is close to $100 or a bit over with tax and 20% gratitudes. Even in the Midwest at a nice restaurant . The other couple orders 1 glass of wine for one, 2 for the other. They order an appetizer and bowl of soup (which half is eaten and this. drives. me. nuts), one entree is always the steak and another entree. Dessert for both, maybe coffee. Bill is easily double ours. Easy to do.
No, being paid back is a sign of respect. I don’t understand why the OP still sees this woman a couple times a month.
The thing that would bother me in this situation is that she obviously knows she owes the money and is not making any legitimate attempt at repaying it. It would eat at me if I owed someone that much money. I guarantee this woman has a cell phone so it wouldn’t be that hard for her to set up a reminder on her phone so that when she did arrive home, she would be reminded to put a check in the mail. She’s basically sending the message that she doesn’t respect the friendship because she is repeatedly telling you to remind her rather than taking responsibility for it herself.
A couple of months ago, I bought a table at a fundraiser for my kids’ school. I’m on the board of the organization that was hosting so when a group of friends wanted to go in together to reserve a table, I said I would buy it. Two sent me checks, one gave me cash at the event. One of my friends said she’d have her son give my son the money, but it was $150 so I told her to just give me the money at the fundraiser. While she is not on the board, she is one of our volunteers and helped tremendously with decorations and during the event. We were both busy all night. It didn’t even cross my mind that she hadn’t given me the money until the next day. I know for sure she completely forgot and I felt funny reminding her. I decided to not even ask her for it for a couple of reasons 1) she has been a tireless volunteer and always helps when asked 2) our sons are best friends and mine spends a lot more time at her house than her son does at mine (with their group of friends), where she is kindly feeding a group of teenage boys all the time. I truly know that she is not avoiding giving me the money and that she just completely forgot about it. However, I might feel a little bit differently if it was apparent that she remembered she owed me money and was mentioning it every time she saw me but didn’t make any attempt at paying me.
All this said though, I can honestly say that with certain friends, the nature of our relationship would also contribute to whether I’d be annoyed or not. For example, I purchased a table in a previous year after a group of us decided to go in together. Everyone paid me except one friend. Then a day before the event, she told me that she didn’t realize another friend had tickets for her (that I know she didn’t have to pay for) so she was going to sit with her. She made no attempt to find someone else to use the tickets at our table and never offered to pay me or at a minimum split the difference. While I certainly never expected she would stiff me, in hindsight it is totally within her character to do something like that. She is a “user” in many ways. One of the other couples knew what happened and offered to split it with me but I didn’t take them up on it and just considered it a donation to the fundraiser. Needless to say, I won’t be buying anymore tables ?
Sadly, whoever pays for something and is supposed to be reimbursed rarely is made whole. We have been at group meals where everyone is supposed to throw in $ for their share plus the tip. We often wait until everyone has supposedly paid their share, and then realize its short, and if others have left, may make up the difference (sometimes others help) at least to cover the full tab and so the wait staff isn’t stiffed.
Seems like an expensive evening out, $250 for dinner and drinks, and paying the babysitter, and maybe a cab (hope they didn’t drive).
I agree with asking to be paid back the next time, or having them pay for your dinner. I would not split a bill 50/50 if the other couple spends a lot more.
The only time we spent over $200 on dinner was when we went out with family and friends for my D’s graduation.
We haven’t gone over $200 often, but we do occasionally. I think prices in our area have gone up a lot since Portland has become a food mecca. I’m surprised how hard it is to get reservations lately, even in the off-season.
A restaurant in our tiny town (we don’t even have a traffic light) just got a James Beard nomination! Blows me away.
I’m not sure what I’d do in the situation, though we’d have separate bills long before this dinner if the other couple continually had a higher amount.
I know plenty of folks use the, “they don’t need the money” to excuse not paying rent or stealing from stores/businesses though. The mindset is boggling, esp since many landlords and business owners aren’t always wealthy. I often wonder how those doing the stiffing would feel if someone used that excuse not to pay them.
Let it go. If you don’t then it will just eat at you and life is too short.
From here on out let them pay for you once and then separate checks. No need to continue subsidizing their nights out.
@bamamom2021 said:
Wondering how you responded to that outrageous statement from an entitled jerk?!?!?!?
I have to say, I have a few ditzy friends who I can see doing the same thing as OP’s friend, with no malice intended. Drives me batty.
@LoveTheBard said:
I live in Dallas, TX and a steak at one of the nicer restaurants will run $35-$55 or much more if you are buying Wagyu beef cuts. Combine with side dishes, wines, dessert, and tip, you could easily rack up a bill like the OP mentions.
We went out with D2’s roommate parents in NYC. We didn’t have anything particularly fancy or out of ordinary. For 3 of us it was 600. I just had to laugh because it was the family’s regular dining place in NYC.
Whenever I go out to dinner around my hood in NYC it is often 100/person for ordinary food.
Op - I agree with other posters, instead of asking them for 250, i would have them pay for the next meal.
No, early on I did remind her a few times - even as recently as a month or so ago when we were meeting and she confirmed to me in a text about our meeting time; I wrote back ‘…and don’t forget to bring me a check for $250’
I think now, so much time has passed, and it most definitely is awkward to own being the one to “remind” / ask, that I should to let it go, is the simplest course of action - that, and the fact my H was incredulous when I brought it up to him that it was still on my mind…LOL!