If you have a smart phone you can download a cost paying app. I really support this and plan to do it myself after talking to my kids about it recently. It’s so simple you can even be OLD and do it. (young or old doesn’t matter! It’s about taking the time to download and learn the simple process - it actually is SUPER simple!)
We had a long involved thread a while back about the practice of splitting checks, if even splits were a regional thing, etc. I believe there was some indication that it was slightly regional - or the practice of restaurants being willing to print out separate checks being regional. I would never go out to dinner with anyone if the practice was even split. I value my dining dollars too much to see them float out of my wallet because someone else likes alcohol or pricier items than me.
We had met for drinks numerous times before and we always paid our own way. I babysit for the kids on a regular basis, usually 4-8 hours a week, so I don’t feel any need to pay her way at the bar. But she obviously expected me to pay. It’s just the way she did it made me feel used. Plus, that’s her personality. She’s a user.
This has me ask my d how she splits bills when out with friends. She said they always get separate checks so no one has to pay for someone’s steak when they have chicken fingers. She said that or Venmo.
My husband was once traveling for business and met 3 friends for dinner. They were from different companies, all on expense accounts. As they sat down, they said to the waitress that they would need separate checks. She said that wasn’t allowed. So, they looked around and saw a few tables empty, and said that they wanted separate tables. The waitress looked shocked and agreed to give them separate checks.
@silverlady Brilliant and a solution I’ll keep in mind if I ever need it. So far, I’ve never been in a restaurant that hasn’t allowed it. The fact that there are some boggles my mind.
My lads also always get separate checks when they go out with friends - not on dates where they treat - but out with friends.
OP, I’m really curious why you are being so gracious about this. Is she/they just a lot of fun to be around? Do you see her within a social group so it’s awkward to make of an issue of it? I guess I don’t understand why you are letting her off the hook.
@conmama I think that when I posted the original query, it was because I was irked having recently spotted my friend wearing a new accessory (big $$) and a new rock. Honestly, the amount of $ is not that important to me, that’s not to say it’s an insignificant amount, but for me it’s it’s more about the principle. That said, I enjoy her company and we have been friends for almost 20 years.
It’s funny because my D asked me to loan her $20 this morning…I know I’ll never see that again! I guess it’s all about expectations
In the words of Polonius “neither a borrower nor a lender be, for loan oft loses both itself and friend”
I’ve lost the loan, I do not want to lose a friend, (or a D!), so let’s call it a gift!
PS - and wow! I never thought I’d ever start a 10 page thread on CC!
I love separate checks as a server assumption. If you want to take care of someone’s check you just take it. If you are a couple, one of you pays both. No awkwardness.
No good answer for OP. I assume the other couple doesn’t need the money, just figures it’s NBD. If she mentions it again, you can whip out your phone and show her venmo or paypal, since it’s the 21st century and clearly she needs some help using modern payment apps
Annoying that the husbands are both out of this loop.
I do have a friend who was very close, probably three years of seeing each other all the time and talking every day. Right as each of our lives took big turns, I was in a very rough financial spot, but happened to have cash on me. She lived a large life yet was often cash poor. She borrowed $400 to pay her live in maid that week and never paid me back. Everything else between us, various “who paid for which thing,” that was no big deal, but don’t ask me to pay for your live in maid! And she had a habit of ordering wine and appetizers and desserts, when I was a dinner salad and water time of life and wanted to split the bill evenly, so that primed me to be annoyed. This happened long enough ago that it would likely be $700-800 now.
Why didn’t we ever settle up? They had quite variable income, there was the time she called and said her husband just got paid so come collect, by the time I got there he had bought the kids bikes or computers or something and it went on like that. Because there was more going on in life than just her, I did not push it, but we both lived in that town for another 6-8 years and she never chose to pay. What got me was that she lived like the lady of the manor, very show offy and name dropping and yet could not pay me back for her maid.
Yep, I’ve not forgotten that I’d bet she thinks she did me favors so it should have evened out, but you don’t trade favors for cash, you trade favors for favors and cash for cash.
I don’t know why women do that. People owe them money. They remind them repeatedly until somehow they feel guilty for asking or think they’re making a big deal out of nothing so they say “my treat.” Except it wasn’t a treat. She borrowed money and just won’t pay it back.
I don’t know why you value her friendship so much. If she valued yours she’d have paid you back a long time ago.
I’m getting cranky (and more straight forward) in my old age and next time she said something I would respond along the lines of: this is the 6 th time you’ve said you’d pay us back. Either pay up or consider it our treat this time and you treat next time.
Money values are as personal as underwear. My personal view is that I don’t want to hate or resent anyone, so I never give or lend money without asking myself whether I could let it go if the person never paid me back.
And often, the answer is no, so I decline. But I totally get being put on the spot as the OP was and then making the wrong decision.
If these people have been real friends in the past, I think I would call them and ask if they intended to pay back the money. If you’re okay letting it go, tell them, but assume the friendship is over. Sudden poverty or job loss is not an excuse for cheating a friend. If they had suddenly hit hard times, they should have declined to eat at that restaurant.
I know men who somehow think it is “manly” to pick up the bill. I was married to one who made me crazy because he liked being seen as the guy who could pick up the check when we couldn’t afford it. (And I made quite a bit more than he did, so it wasn’t like it was just his money he was throwing around). I suspect that is why some guys would let it go - they get some secret satisfaction from it.
At this point, I’d just avoid going out with them again. If she asks why, tell her you never got paid back from the last dinner.
This thread makes me crazy. You don’t screw your friends for any reason. Period. Her friend stated several times her intention to pay her back but that’s never gonna happen. It’s not about the money. The friend has no respect for the OP. I would never be friends with someone that doesn’t respect me. She knows she owes the money but refuses to pay her back. The real question is why?
We hosted relatives for 11 days one Christmas season paying all meals and entertainment. Ahead of time the wife asked if I would order with my credit card tickets to a particular event that just their group (4-5) were attending and said her card wasn’t working. She said she would pay me when they arrived. Sure no problem, I ordered the tickets.
They arrived and attended the event and raved about how great it was. It was the end of their stay and I was a little frosted that they hadn’t picked up any of the meals so I reminded her that she was to pay me back. She looked at me like I was crazy. I repeated our earlier deal and she said- oh yes I remember and will give your spouse a check before we leave tomorrow. You guessed it, she never paid.
(young or old doesn’t matter! It’s about taking the time to download and learn the simple process - it actually is SUPER simple!)