<p>A kid invites lots of couples to dinner at his house before Homecoming, telling everyone (including D) what to bring. A few days later (and a few days before Homecoming), he tells daughter that she and her date are no longer included because he has invited too many people. D’s two closest friends (still on the guest list) commiserate, but still plan to attend the jerk’s large dinner party (30 people) rather than joining D in making other dinner plans.</p>
<p>D was crushed, but put on brave face and invited some other kids (after the two close friends turned her down) for dinner here.</p>
<p>Going forward, I think D needs to focus on other friends, since this isn’t the first time her two “besties” have turned their backs on her rather than having her back. She says even if they are b<em>tchy to her, she just can’t and won’t be b</em>tchy back to them.</p>
<p>After reading what I have written, I suppose I have to accept that it’s D’s choice, and I have to smile warmly at these girls when they come over and keep my mouth shut when D goes out of her way for them. (D lined up a date for one of them for Homecoming.) But next time these “frienemies” crap on D, can I bring this (and the other crappy things they’ve done) up and encourage her to focus on different friends again? (Obviously I don’t have a problem with being b*tchy.)</p>
<p>You can’t do the growing up for your child. She’ll realize soon enough the true worth of these “friends,” and that will be a valuable guide as she makes new ones.</p>
<p>You cannot do the growing up for your daughter, but at the same time, you can take notes (mentally), and bring them back at the right time. When my D tell me what a “friend” did to another “friend”, I keep it at the back of my mind. So when that “friend” do something to her, I usually replied: “Did you not told me that someone did something like that last year? Is it the same kid?” 9 out of 10 times, she’ll reply yes. At this point, I point out to her that the “friend’s” behaviors looks like a pattern to me. I leave it at that. It makes her think.</p>
<p>She’ll figure it out. All my shy, too-nice friends (I was shy and too-nice, too) have grown up to be kind people, but have grown strong over the years since high school. Your daughter will get to college, and she’ll have a group of friends who are more like her than her high school friends ever were (it’s weird how that works!), and those friends will demand that she step up and defend herself.</p>
<p>High school sucks. Your daughter is a good friend, and eventually she’ll have equally good friends to return the favor. No worries-- it all works out in the end. =)</p>
<p>I would just make a voodoo doll of the dinner host and stick a pin in it a few times a day. As far as 2 best friends, next time when they come over I would put some pepper or chili sauce in their food or drinks. It would make me feel better just thinking about it.</p>
<p>OP–It feels better to vent. I had 2 girls go thru high school and a lot of not nice things pulled on them </p>
<p>Don’t worry—at some point your d will figure it out. I also think that girls do a lot of “jockeying” for position–and at some point it either doesn’t work out for them, or other people figure out what they are doing. Both of my girls figured out who had to do nasty things in order to achieve what they perceived as a better social status. </p>
<p>In most cases with these girls, perception was not reality.</p>
<p>Whenever people used to bother me, I used to envision clunking two people’s heads together like coconuts. The hollow “PLONK” I imagined would always amuse me and make me feel better.</p>
<p>And I’ve never actually clunked two people’s heads together like coconuts.</p>
<p>It is OK to vent. When sothing happens to our kids, it hurts much deeper than when something similar happens to us. HS is a place where true friendships develop through trial and error. You D will learn that moving on and ignoring the b*tchy pseudo-friends is the adult way of handling things like that (however, I agree with oldfort - it wouldn’t hurt to have a voodoo doll to vent emotions in private).</p>
<p>Whatever4: I love the term “frienemies”. Did you coin this or do I just live in the boonies? This term will eventually come in handy as I counsel my daughter over her high school years, no doubt. Says it all. And, the boy who uninvited her was really rotten. I think it’s harder to watch my kids go through this stuff than it was to go through it myself.</p>
<p>It is harder on the mom, I think. But in hindsight, I realize that the challenges and frustrations of high school actually made my kids more independent and more willing to move on with their lives. Many of the kids they knew in HS went to college locally, rooming with HS friends, and coming home every weekend. It’s like they got stuck in HS and weren’t willing to leave.</p>
<p>I can understand how you feel and vent away! I have a friend who calls upon “the dark Angel” to go visit people with whom she is annoyed. Sounds like the dark Angel needs to visit your daughter’s friends!</p>
<p>The theme I kept using with DD in this situation for years was the same: “that sounds like someone who puts you down instead of lifts you up.”</p>
<p>Tried to provide the “I hear your pain” and the “what the hell kind of friends are these” messages at the same time.</p>
<p>If she asked - she rarely did ) I’d tell her what I thought about those kids. Otherwise it was 1) commiseration city with DD and 2) polite to all her friends . . . gotta model being a good human, ya know :-)</p>
<p>It’s good to vent, but you have to make sure that when your child has forgiven and forgotten, you must also (at least in front of the child). Each of my kids had someone who was mean to them in elem school - when their name came up in HS the response was always, “Oh, they’re fine…” Not that they were ever close friends again, but the child didn’t harbor ill will (but I still did).</p>
<p>I might give the boy who initially issued the invitation, then withdrew it, a bit of a break. I can just picture the situation. Parents say he can have a party. Boy invites everyone knows. Parents flip out when they find out how many he’s invited, and tell him he’s got to trim the list. Boy is left to his own awkard and unthinking devices to trim the list.</p>
<p>Remember that the kids likely come from households that have shown them that such behaviors are acceptable, especially if this is a high school age event. I try to tell my D to make her own choices - and slowly but surely she’s moved to having a really nice, inclusive group of friends - all of whom watch out for one another (so far) but it has certainly taken her time to learn these lessons. She had to learn when to be nice in the face of mean spirited behavior and when being nice meant being walked on - and those are lessons unique to the circumstance - too unique for me to feel that I could directly intervene.</p>
<p>I love the voodoo doll and the dark angel! DD told me just recently that her college roomies mom has the list that she puts the names of people who have wronged her children on so she can send them bad vibes! Honestly it seems that any time there is a group of girls in an odd number (as in 3 your daughter and 2 besties), someone ends up getting hurt or left out.</p>
<p>DD went through something similar related to a high school dance. About 20 couples were invited for dinner with beautiful table settings in a gorgeous pool area in the back patio. The girl hosting the dinner made place cards for the tables and there wasnt enough room for all of the besties at the same table so D was the one asked to sit at another table with other kids. D was also the nice one in her group of friends and she knew that was the reason that she had been the one seated elsewhere because she wouldnt call them out on it. </p>
<p>I do feel your pain and agree that its harder to see someone hurt our children than for it to happen directly to us.</p>