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<p>I agree with this, which is why I phoned the parents in my D’s situation. If I had known that my own child did this to someone, I would have made my child give up his/her spot to the slighted kid. I would want to know that my child was so thoughtless, and teach him/her, first hand, the meaning of feeling left out.</p>
<p>H & I hosted the Homecoming dinner one year. The night before, D invited a boy who had no one to go with. We had to change seating plans slightly but I told her that we would find room for him. I would not have dreamed of letting D “disinvite” anyone, especially someone who had already RSVP’d. I am not saying that we are wonderful people, but that is just rude.</p>
<p>Why, oh why, are HS girls so MEAN to each other? And usually, in a conniving, maniuplative way?? Seems like boys just punch each other and get it over with. Girls drag it out for weeks. OP - fear not. My D was stuck in a group just like you describe. She couldn’t wait to be done with HS. Once she got to college, she absolutely blossomed.</p>
<p>I laughed about parents holding a grudge. In third grade a boy told DS (a laid back, well-liked kid) he “wasn’t allowed” to join in and play football with a bunch of other boys at recess. My mama bear claws came out and have never retracted. They’re in 11th grade now…I’m sure the kid is a very nice boy, and DS probably doesn’t even remember…but I do…growwwwllllll…</p>
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<li>I think your anger is misdirected at the wrong person (people) it should be directed at the host who dis-invited your D (which was a grimmy thing to do) not the 2 friends who decided to go to the party in spite of the situation (perhaps their relationship with the host is different from the host’s relationship with your daughter).<br></li>
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<p>I am sure that your D has probably been invited to events that some of her friends have not been invited to. If this is the case, do you make your D stay home because the friends were not invited.</p>
<p>Remember you can be part of a group of “friends” and your relationship may not be the same (or reciprocal) with each person in the group.</p>
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<li><p>One of the biggest misconceptions is the use of the word friend. What you need to tell your daughter is that we call people friends because we simply do not want to reduce them to people who you just happen to know. However, the reality is that you/your child will happen to know a lot of people and will have vcery few friends (friends in the true meaning of the word).</p></li>
<li><p>You state that these girls are sometimes b<em>tchy to your daughter. The one thing that you must teach your daughter is that she teaches people how to treat her. If they are b</em>thcy to her and she sends the message that it is ok. If she does not stand up for herself, then she is sending the message that it is ok for them to continue treating her this way.</p></li>
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<p>One of the best pieces of advice that one of my friends gave me over 20 years ago is “when you have had enough, you’ll know.” When your D has had enough, she’ll know and will take the step to change things even if it means re-evaluating and re-defining her relationships with people.</p>
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<p>I disagree with this. Boys can be very mean as I remember from my own HS days and as my D can also tell you. And these days, boys don’t dare punch each other-that would be grounds for automatic suspension if not expulsion.</p>
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<p>[Clunking</a> People’s Heads Together Like Coconuts | Facebook](<a href=“Redirecting...”>Redirecting...)</p>
<p>I think everyone’s mean to each other in high school, regardless of gender. It’s hard to be secure in who you are when you don’t really know who you are or where you’re going, and you don’t really know if you can make it. You’ve achieved things, but only in your safe little world, and you’ve just started to realize that there’s a big, bad world out there and that you’re about to have to go out and conquer it. (You don’t yet realize that you only have to conquer a bit of the world at a time, and it only has to be the world around you… You don’t have to conquer everything.)</p>
<p>These things being asked of you, expected of you-- you’re the hope for the future! You’re going to be the next leaders of the world! It’s scary, it’s overwhelming, and it’s uncertain. Everything feels uncertain. Who are your friends? Who are you? Some people don’t handle it with grace, and some people lash out.</p>
<p>I joined the FB club! :)</p>
<p>I would just say, as a mother, there is a limit to what you can and should do.</p>
<p>I remember my mother harping on some girl who was not nice one time (wasn’t a big deal to me). My M kept saying “you really can’t trust your friends” which was not true most of the time and hurtful to hear.</p>
<p>Thank you all for sharing your wise insights and supportive thoughts. The dinner went fine; in fact, D said yesterday that the dinner was more fun than the dance. She is moving on, and I am working hard at purging the voodoo doll/coconut thoughts from my head. I know this wasn’t a huge deal in the big scheme of things, and I am proud that she refuses to “marinate” (her word) in it.</p>
<p>However, I do think D is starting to realize that there are friends you can count on, and there are friends you can count on only to do what’s going to help them socially – and to recognize into which category the host and these two particular “best friends” fall.</p>
<p>I really like the fact that “Clunking People’s Heads Together Like Coconuts” is classified as a Health & Wellness group! :)</p>
<p>I sympathize, and agree it is much harder to watch your child go thru this, than to experience it yourself. </p>
<p>I read with interest the comments of “oldfort” and “momofwildchild”. (Posts #6 and #15)
While it may be tempting to cast spells, I have a little experience with this, and do not recommend “black magic” or “dark prayer”. It absolutely may help in the short run. But beware, it definitely does come back to the sender sooner or later, and usually in an even “darker” form. </p>
<p>Best to just wish the offending “friend” well and move on.</p>
<p>tell your kid to say this, and to believe in it: “It’s their loss, not mine” :)</p>
<p>QuantMech, it is all about the health and wellness of the clunker, not the clunkee :)</p>
<p>whatever4, I love your D’s phrase - that she’s not going to “marinate” in it. That’s perfect!</p>
<p>I wonder what marinated coconuts would taste like :p</p>
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<p>One of life’s most important lessons.</p>
<p>Wow, I’ve missed you guys!</p>
<p>The clunking heads like coconuts really rings with me this week. I can’t believe how high schoolish my son’s college is. Good grief. I remember college being (mostly) more adult than my guys are seeing.</p>