<p>In a conversation with some lady friends, the subject arose of how their husbands/boyfriends react when their wives/girlfriends cry in the context of a fight or as a response to something that the man has done. I am wondering if there is a universal response and why the men react the way they do. Anyone care to share?</p>
<p>That’s when it’s time for the H (and W) to drop whatever the argument is since it obviously got too emotional. Maybe they can discuss the subject again later when one or the other or both have simmered down and cooler heads can prevail.</p>
<p>It depends on the individual but often the crying is a s a result of hurtful things being stated for the purpose of getting a dig on the person - not some philosophical discussion or a discussion of what color paint to use in the living room. The hurtful statements shouldn’t be made in the first place.</p>
<p>I find it’s best to avoid getting to the point where the W cries during a ‘discussion’.</p>
<p>My husband is in the camp that when he has made me cry, he is gleeful because he feels that he has won.</p>
<p>Im not fond of people who use tears to appeal to pity in order to win an argument. I used it often though when I was young and the bfs quickly stop arguing and do everything to appease me. As I matured though I only reserve tears when I am truly hurt and I actually walk away before my eyes water. My MIL takes things a notch higher by faking a fainting spell. I always roll my eyes when this happens and resist the urge to kneel down and tickle her. She does it every time things dont go her way.</p>
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That’s not what I’m talking about. Not manipulation, but honest upset.</p>
<p>I try never to forget that we are a team. Neither one “wins.”</p>
<p>Our disagreements rarely get that far, but when it does it gets my BF’s attention. He usually will stop being so obstinate at that point and try harder to see things from my perspective, too, so we can work it out. I don’t do it on purpose to get my way, and I don’t always get my way if I do cry. I know it makes him feel terrible when it goes that far-- like really, horribly terrible. We usually will stop and come back to the discussion later before it gets to that point. </p>
<p>I do find, though, that if an argument does get that bad, someone getting emotional is what breaks down the wall so we can actually finally work it out-- it seems to be the wake up call to the other person that they need to be more understanding than they’ve been and we have a more intelligent, two-sided conversation after that. That goes both ways, it’s not just when I get emotional. Neither of us likes to see the other get that upset.</p>
<p>I don’t think there is a universal response by men to women’s tears, but maybe I just haven’t been exposed the situation often enough to know. Unfortunately, I have known a few women who use tears to manipulate their husbands, and one who encouraged me to do the same. </p>
<p>In our case, dh has rarely seen me cry (maybe half a dozen times in nearly 4 decades) so when I do he generally gets quite upset (as in, worried about my feelings and/or wellbeing.) I can only recall one argument in which I began to cry and dh did not react; he had shut down after becoming very defensive. Later, he admitted that the truth of what I’d said hit him so hard he didn’t know how to deal with it and we talked it out. </p>
<p>If the following sounds harsh, Zoosermom, I’m sorry, but if my dh was glad that he’d made me cry, that would be the end of our marriage. We still disagree after all these years, but we try to avoid saying anything hurtful. As far as winning arguments, that’s something we joke about when the subject is something trivial. If it’s a serious matter, then we try to find common ground or agree on who gets to make the call based on what’s at stake and who will be more greatly impacted.</p>
<p>There’s a huge difference between people who “use” tears to win an argument and people who cry because it’s an honest emotional response. I couldn’t squeeze out a tear just to win an argument if my life depended on it. (And I hope that people who can produce tears so easily are in the acting field and save their talent for the stage or screen.)</p>
<p>From what I’ve heard and experienced, few people of either gender enjoy making another person cry. When they do, they may become defensive and therefore redouble their efforts to win the argument, but that’s different from feeling satisfaction or glee. Bullies, narcissists, and other folks with personality disorders excepted. </p>
<p>If I’m on the verge of tears in an argument with my husband, I’ll go off by myself for as long as it takes to calm down - though if I actually start to cry, he’s the one who leaves the room. Interesting question, zoosermom.</p>
<p>I’m the kind that cries at ASPCA commercials. However, I’ve only ever cried twice in a fight with my bf. I very rarely cry during fights. The two times that it’s happened, he instantly drops it and comes to console me. He knows that something bad has happened and he crossed some line (or thinks this, whether he has or not… one time I cried out of frustration, not forced tears, and the other was because I was legitimately extremely upset). When I cry, nothing else matters to him. It’s quite sweet. </p>
<p>My ex used to just leave. </p>
<p>My dad has mixed responses. He used to leave. Now, he just tries to console my mom. My mom’s meds throw off her moods badly and so he’s never sure if it’s him or something else that’s made her cry. He’s learned that the easiest thing to do is just try to make everything OK.</p>
<p>I don’t think there is such thing as a universal response.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, the minute I get at all emotional, I tear up. Been that way my whole life. If unremarked, I can usually keep them from spilling, but if noted, it’s all over. When I was younger I used to wish I could have my tear ducts removed because I feel it makes me avoid conflict-laden interaction.</p>
<p>H hates it though he’s come to realize it’s about as voluntary as a raised heart-rate, so he’s learned to separate tearing up on my part from whatever the situation is. Honestly, I can’t imagine him feeling gleeful; the opposite, if anything.</p>
<p>It doesnt matter if I cry. My wife just keeps yelling.</p>
<p>Speaking as someone who was exposed to extended family where even my aunts would show disgust at seeing anyone…including younger sisters like my mother lose “emotional control”…especially in light of their growing up and learning to survive in the midst of wars with Japanese & Chinese Communists with its associated deprivations…the behavior modeled was at best…to walk away until the person crying calms down or at worst, openly considering them to be weak. </p>
<p>Did I mention I was raised in a NYC working-class neighborhood that was more extreme in some ways about old-school “masculinity” and how “real boys/men don’t cry” or they’re labeled “sissies” with its associated negative consequences. </p>
<p>This factor combined with my ENTJ personality type that’s really NT rather than SF makes me really leery of dealing/being around someone crying or venting/yelling.* </p>
<p>This was confirmed last summer when I had to help an older friend wrap up affairs/funeral of his late mother and her house. The whole experience really taxed my emotional/mental reserves…especially serving as a yelling/venting board for all the serious crap he’s facing for 4-5 straight hours. </p>
<p>There’s a reason why when friends who need emotional counseling for things like breakups come to me, I usually prefer referring them to an older friend who has a natural knack for counseling and why I scoffed at suggestions to consider going into psychology/psychiatry practice.</p>
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<li>There’s also the factor that for many males…including yours truly, having a woman…especially a GF/wife cry in person gives us a dreadful feeling we’re in a no-win situation and we’re damned no matter what we try to do. Feeling gleeful is the last thing we’d feel…especially if she happens to be a GF/wife we really care for.</li>
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<p>I would cry a lot with my first husband. He would get disgusted and tell me I was being over sensitive.</p>
<p>I rarely cry with my second husband. If I do, it’s because:</p>
<p>He’s being irrational about something and I’ve gotten beyond frustrated. I’ve learned I need to walk away and wait until he’s in a better frame of mind. This doesn’t happen very often, usually when he’s feeling overwhelmed .</p>
<p>I’m hormonal. Again, I need to walk away until I’m able to be rational. This is not often either, I’ve gotten better at recognizing it when it is happening so I don’t make an ass of myself.</p>
<p>Any two people are going to have disagreements. The key is how- and if- they can work it out. Some people have the goal of coming to some kind of agreement. Others, the goal is to win no matter what- and they will say or do what it takes to win. In this case, no one wins and everyone loses.</p>
<p>Marriage brings out everyone’s childhood wounds. Dysfunctional families tend to play out on the “Victim’s Triangle”- google it. If someone is arguing someone to tears, it may be that person has never had someone role model a healthy discussion, or they have some kind of issue. But it takes more than one person to be on the triangle.</p>
<p>If every argument or discussion ends up being futile, or tearful, it may be time to learn new ways with a counselor that refuses to let anyone be the victim or bad guy, but instead holds each person’s feet to the fire to examine their own family of origin stuff. </p>
<p>However, if only one person is interested (usually the one who cries ) in changing the dance, that person can also do so with help ( and beware not all marriage counselors are good ones for this). It takes two to argue and one can learn to disengage.</p>
<p>I feel for anyone in this situation. It’s hard work to make these changes, and it is painful to be in an argument like this. But, with hard work and a competent therapist, it’s possible. It does not mean ending the marriage- as some would suggest. Unless it is life threatening or serious abuse, It means you heal yourself from the inside out in the marriage, and once healed, there will be change and at least more clarity in the situation, and the hope that healthier ways are learned to manage disagreements.</p>
<p>I also mean genuine tears, as OP describes. Others have mentioned using tears to manipulate, and that is another situation. </p>
<p>I wish OP the best in finding a solution to this painful experience.</p>
<p>I almost never cry. I find it very humiliating . I cry out of frustration and when I feel very overwhelmed. I couldnt bring myself to cry on demand since I find it really embarassing and am not able to do so. I rarely cry and when I do it is almost always in private. lastntime i cried was at the funeral of a friend and that was tears not sobbing or that loud uncontrollable crying. If anyone who knows me irl saw me cryig after/ during an arguement , he/ she would be very shocked. I would probably make someone else cry in an arguement before I did. I wouldnt want to be in a relationship where every arguement got to the point of the “loser” in tears.</p>
<p>See at 1:48 in this clip:</p>
<p>[ADAM'S</a> RIB [1949 TRAILER] - YouTube](<a href=“ADAM'S RIB [1949 TRAILER] - YouTube”>ADAM'S RIB [1949 TRAILER] - YouTube)</p>
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<p>No disrespect intended, but that sounds really sadistic. Are you kidding? I rarely cry, but if my DH had that point of view, hell would freeze over before he would ever see me cry. Well, actually, I couldn’t be married to someone with that point of view. </p>
<p>I used to cry earlier in our marriage, but never as a manipulation. I rarely do anymore, probably because we’ve gotten better at managing conflict.</p>
<p>^I’m with Nrdsb4. Worried about you, zoosermom, if that is your emotional reality. Not meaning to be judgmental. As Nora Ephron said in “I Remember Nothing”, none of us ever knows the truth of someone else’s marriage (or our own).</p>
<p>I think the last time I was brought to tears in my marriage was when work was insanely busy and the school called, asking me to bring S home (he was sick with a fever). I called H; phone was turned off. I took the train home; walked to the school; got S; called a cab; waited 45 minutes while my cell phone was going off non-stop (because I’d left work in the middle of the day); got home. And H was in the kitchen, leisurely making himself a sandwich. </p>
<p>I lost it. Screamed, cried, knowing I had no husband to lean on and I now had to turn around and get back on the train to go back to work where everyone would be mad at me for leaving, and my child was sick, and all I wanted to do was stay home and take care of him. But I couldn’t, because I was the breadwinner. So yes, I cried.</p>
<p>Now, when stuff like that happens, I feel like I’m too sad to cry.</p>
<p>Zooser, I feel your pain. Believe me.</p>