Well, he certainly wouldn’t be at a Top 50 sporty university without all the pushing. Maybe that would have been what was best for him? My son seems a bit like yours, but we didn’t push tutors and summer jobs and the like. He found his way. He’s at a regional state U, studying what he likes, making fine grades (about a 3.0, not a 4.0, certainly some bumps).
But I’m with @Leigh22 - the way OP describes her son just rubs me the wrong way. Lazy, visionless, lying etc…the son has to pick up on, what feels to me, like hostility and I’m guessing has probably given up trying to please them.
That’s not what folks are implying.
Perhaps if you let him face consequences early on when the stakes were lower, he might have changed course on his own, learning the hard way.
I can understand your frustration but I think you reacting and responding to posts in the wrong way.
Anyway, I think the discussion should focus on what to do now (and you’ve received some good advice and suggestions), not on what is now water under the bridge. However, understanding the past could be helpful in determining future paths to take while you, the parent, help your son.
So, as others have asked, tell us about your son’s good traits and abilities.
Letting him “be” may foster growth by letting him experience the consequences of his actions/non-actions. HE can then find the place where he is comfortable supporting himself on his own dime.
Who knows…maybe he will always be a slacker by your definitions, but he may find a nice life where he contributes to society and stays happily afloat. As long as he becomes gainfully employed, follows the law and finds someone to cherish, isn’t that enough?
“Lazy, visionless, lying, unmotivated.” Wow, was he ALWAYS this way? I’m truly struggling here. Was there ever a time that you felt he was a busy, engaged, wonderous child? Did you ever encourage who he IS? Maybe you did, and it all changed at some point, and you’re bitter and sad now. I don’t know. No one here knows. But children who have always faced a mountain of critism tend to live down to your expectations. Don’t have any way to know whether that’s the case here. But something to think about.
Ouch. I cannot imagine this language helps, whether you use it to his face or not.
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One of my kids had a very (very) slow start in college but things picked up. I don’t think she joined any clubs, she didn’t do a good job at finding student jobs and switched every semester, changed majors, changed boyfriends. She graduated, has a job, and I do think she’s better off having finished than dropping out.
She doesn’t seem to have any long term friends from college and doesn’t seem to care. She works, she pays her student loan. So far, so good.
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All of this is a fascinating point of view.
When is a slovenly appearance not a Freudian way to exert control, and actually just an slacker who looks unprofessional and immature compared to his more polished peers? What if he lacks the awareness that he looks sloppy - are we to ignore it?
You and others continue to romanticize his summer employment choice. He knew he had to get a job, that was a long understanding with us. What job or internship did he secure or attempt to secure from November-April? None. He came home after the semester ended and said his “plan” was to simply walk into his same old high school job and work there. Not because it was a passion, not because that was a grand plan, only because it was the absolute least amount of effort, period. He didn’t know or even suspect we’d get him an interview for a “better” job (he wasn’t forced to take the better job, fyi). The higher-paying job was snowplowed, I suppose, but there were also lessons to be learned, or so we thought. The hours were professional and consistent, dress more polished, professional environment, and with new higher earnings, he was to take control of personal spending at college. I guess we had “magical thinking” to hope new experiences would rub off on him, but I don’t think demonizing us and romanticizing his lack of ambition is fair.
I don’t have time for a long post, but I’ve sent 2 kids off to college. One was a slacker who much preferred video games over studying. I didn’t push, or get him tutors in high school. I only pointed out that his grades would determine which college or university he would get into. If he wanted his choice, he would need high grades. I let him make the choice.
He chose to bring up the grades to get into the flagship of his choice. If he had continued to slack, I would have further expanded on the options with his grades. That would probably have included plumbing or electrical school. He’s now in a top ranked grad program. His choice. I can’t and couldn’t live his life for him. It’s too exhausting.
Nobody is demonizing you OP- and we are certainly NOT romanticizing his lack of ambition. But several of us keeping asking you- what are his natural gifts? What is lovable about him? Many of us have raised boys like yours- and if you can tell us what comes easily to him and what he enjoys doing, perhaps we can help you redirect some of your anger towards a productive plan going forward.
Surely there is something people admire about your son??? What is it??? How can we all use that to help you motivate him??? Not to snowplow- but to work with what you’ve got???
A neighbor’s kid works in marketing for a farm team of one of the baseball leagues. The job sounds dreadful but he adores it. When they shoot a T-shirt out of a cannon between innings? Well someone has to order those T-shirts (that’s him). When they give away key rings ? That’s him. Signs in the parking lot directing you to buy an ice cold coke? Yup. He is self-supporting on a not too great salary, but he works very hard meeting people in his line of work who will help him advance to a bigger team, and then a major league team, and then who knows.
This kid loved two things growing up- watching sports and working his fantasy league. No- he’s not doing commentary on ESPN (the original dream job). But he loves his life right now, and it’s enough sports for him to feel that he’s “made it” at least for a 24 year old. And he works weekends, nights, and has to travel… so no time for being a couch potato anymore.
Win win.
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You are correct, he wouldn’t have gotten into a T50 without our aide. But regional schools are fun, too, and their dropout rates are very high, so I’m not convinced that would make much difference? He wanted to attend this university, we tried to provide the resources for him to reach that goal. We hoped he’d be inspired there, and being around ambitious kids would rub off a bit, but it really hasn’t - according to people in this thread, that’s magical thinking.
As for my tone, I’m just being transparent. There is an alternative, spinning and lying to strangers - I’m not going to do that. Everything I’ve shared about his character is true. It’s not easy to disclose or re-read, but if I’m going to get sound advice in this regard, I need to be genuine with you all.
Wow, we haven’t asked you not to be transparent, but you still haven’t found one positive thing to say about your kid.
My should-have-known better oldest had to fall back on his high school summer job after his freshman year since I had no idea how to get him an internship in his field (CS). The next year he worked a little harder on getting to the open houses for internships and had a fully paid gig (including a more than adequate housing allowance) out in CA. He graduated years ago and works for a well known company. He still spends a huge amount of time playing video games and reading fan fiction.
LOL, not to discount your angst (sincerely) but I’ve dealt with the slovenly clothing thing for twenty years. Some people just don’t notice or care about that but have other great qualities. Sometimes life forces them to pay enough attention to it to get by.
Like my husband. I’ve torn my hair out about this many times. Wears old, stained t-shirts and jeans 24/7. Occasionally I put my foot down and tell him I won’t walk out the door with him unless he changes his shirt but mostly I let him be (as he does shower every day). He has degrees from schools people hyperventilate about on this forum. A PhD in chemistry, and a tenured job. But he doesn’t notice (or care) if he left an unfolded black t-shirt on the bed and the yellow cat slept on it before he puts it on. That will never change. I’d be miserable if I focused on that. Fortunately, he found a career where it doesn’t seem to matter much. Your son probably will as well, or he’ll develop the desire to change on his own.
Again, what has your son done well? What are his good qualities? Have you ever liked ANYTHING about him? This thread makes me sad.
It’s not that we’re demonizing- but I don’t think you realize how your own words come across. You’re angry enough (and maybe feel betrayed, too) that all you did to shape him isn’t paying off. It comes out in words like “lazy.” Even if you think that’s accurate, it zings.
And you describe pushing and prodding through hs as if it justifies your emotions now. Bottom line may be: maybe you didn’t let him develop his own skill sets. Then you dropped him off at college. And now you expect him to embody your ways and values? And claim he could just as easily flunk out of a regional?
And you started tracking his freaking whereabouts.
And saying you don’t want to spin to us. But the impression is helicopter all the way. Judgmental.
What’s good about him? If his average is just above C, but he had D grades, aren’t some grades better than C? You’re painting this very black/white, better grades or he’s a slacker.
This all borders on control issues. You formed him in hs, why isn’t he responding?
Well, maybe because you aren’t there to control him now? You had last summer, but now he’s back at college.
Sorry, but this irks me.
I promise I’d let it slide on his appearance if there was an ounce of detectable ambition and maturation elsewhere. There isn’t. Your husband is a tenured professor, he has earned his right (and protection) to dress however he wants. In contrast, my low ambition son is at risk of failing out of undergrad. Low marks, no clubs, no moxie, no goals . . . AND slacker appearance pretty much spells it all out, doesn’t it? If you have low marks, you better at least have a clean cut appearance and refined soft skills, in my view.
Name three lovable things about your son.
OP, your son sounds like mine might have been, if his ADHD hadn’t been diagnosed. I definitely would have used words like lazy to describe him.
Luckily his learning differences were diagnosed, and he’s on his path. His path isn’t typical, but I’ve learned that it seems to work out for him.
While I might have used words like lazy to describe him, I at the same time would have said he is my sweetest and most empathetic son, and the one I want caring for me when I’m old.
Please tell us something positive about your son! At this point it’s almost pathological that you haven’t.
“We hoped he’d be inspired there, and being around ambitious kids would rub off a bit, but it really hasn’t”
There are plenty of other unambitious kids in college, even a top 50. 
Not everybody is a Type A, organized young adult, even very smart ones.
I have been on this forum for 11 years, and during that time there have been a handful of posts similar to yours (3-4) that I actually found a little upsetting. Yours is one.
If I were you I would make my relationship with my son a priority. Get some therapy yourself. Many of us have had a variety of challenging situations with our kids (believe me) and benefited greatly from therapy.
Your description of your son is just so sad. Many of us have asked if you can think of something positive to say, and it seems you can’t.
Consider, yes, depression, ADHD, problem with executive function, learning disability. Get him some help. During high school years, clearly some sort of problem was camouflaged by the tutoring and parental help.
We all understand why you supported him in high school. But he might have actually been better off starting off at a community college with the kinds of support they offer.
Read a book entitled “The Myth of Laziness.”
Consider that your son’s behavior is a direct result of some of the parenting choices and attitudes that are being conveyed. If you can change yourself, he may change.
Show him respect and you will get it.
I have a 33 year old son who still plays video games all the time. Not a teen time sinker. Many adults relax that way. The question might be, instead, why does your son need so much to relax? Is he addicted, or anxious?
Many of us are still helping kids well into their 20’s. In the area where I live this is necessary. Eighty two percent of college grads are living at home. The whole tough thing doesn’t work in this economy.
Do you love your son? It seems you do, but you are expressing it in ways that are truly upsetting to read. I really hope that YOU get some help. A therapist can help guide your response to the situation, believe me.
Some of us have kids who turned it aroud, and some of us have kids with lifelong struggles. The key is to really understand who they are and let them kind of unfurl their lives, complete with zigs and zags.
If your relationship improves, I think it would be worthwhile for your son to leave, or take a leave. His GPA will start again elsehwere but he will always have that transcript.
That said, he may be better off at school with his 2.0, psychically. Help him access help via testing and therapy if possible. Testing can be presented as finding strengths, as someone else said, and that is true.
Also, some socially intelligent kids graduate with a low GPA and do fine in life. It is hard to know.
Read your posts over and pretend you are a stranger. Noone is trying to criticize you, only trying to get you to see the light.
I have known people who were high school slackers who barely graduated, but after several years in the work force or enlisted military service matured and became committed enough to re-enter education through community college, do well there, transfer to a four year school, complete their bachelor’s degrees, and gone on to productive well paid jobs.
I have also known a parent who told his then-slacker kid something like “it is ok with me if you want to be a C student, but that will make things harder for you in the future”. Probably the idea was to offer choices informed by consequences, to encourage the kid to develop self-motivation, rather than passively be dragged/pushed along by the parent without developing any independent self-motivation.
Slacking may not lead to success in the skilled trades either. Plumbers and electricians need to learn how to do plumbing and electrical work properly (after all, that is why they are skilled trades).
We did help identify campus academic assistance. We also said we’d pay for private tutor via similar campus resource if that wasn’t adequate. He said he would go, he never did. He just lies about something until we let it go and divert our attention to something new. His mentality seems to be he does what he wants, when he wants, he’s got it figured out. Overconfident and a bit delusional.
And for the record, we didn’t expect him to become some 4.0 pre-med university student, but we did expect him to become a bit more broadminded, inspired and display some elevated maturity, polish, ambition, and study effort. I see the same 14 year old, except he’s costing us a lot more money - and being sloppy, immature and burning life away sitting on the couch obsessing over sportball and video games is no longer just a young boy being a young boy. It’s gross and embarrassing and slap in the face to the sacrifices we made to provide him this opportunity.