When to pull financial plug on son? Doesn't care about his T50 college, he's just sort of...there.

Parents Forum
101

Sounds like you’ve done what a zillion other parents have done and are doing and I understand your frustration that maturation hasn’t started, it is unlucky but the boat you are in.

He has a good thing going, probably doesn’t believe you will pull the plug and really has no incentive to change what works for him. I agree with the others that it is time for a frank conversation (in person), with obtainable goals and expectations he has a chance of meeting. As you determine your limits beforehand, you have to have consequences you can live with too. I don’t believe you are ready to send him to the streets and having him back at home would be a punishment for you too, I suspect.

I don’t think it is fair to pull him or cut him off without warning. It doesn’t seem realistic to expect he will have a magical awakening. I’d be aiming for baby steps. If the first one is grades, his job should be studying and improving. He’s probably already in a hole this semester, you should understand where he is currently when setting your expectation for where he needs to be to satisfy you.

If he had gone from being very supported/ridden/managed in high school, to be able to do it all himself in college through osmosis, you would have been very fortunate. Since that isn’t the case, I would back up the bus and help him figure out how to get support to be more successful. This assumes that he buys in to your condition that he do better to be able to stay. Perhaps finding a tutor was overwhelming to him. (If you helped him identify a few sources, and he lied/blew it off, that would be another story.) Regardless, give him a fresh start if he wants one. Does he know how to study? I like the suggestion of finding a life coach/counselor to help him find his way.

I don’t think our job as parents ends at 18, and just getting kid to college is our finish line. They are chronologically adults, but more babied than our generation (our doing) so in many ways less mature. Some need time, some need a re-start, some need scaffolding to be removed gradually. No judgement here, just wishing you success getting your frustrating and challenging one launched.

102

I see some irony here. Good luck getting someone who has not asked for therapy, or indicated they want it, to go and engage in meaningful change via therapy.

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103

Your post yesterday reminded me of one from over a year ago - might give you some ideas:

http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/admissions-hindsight-lessons-learned/2083814-hard-lesson-learned-from-a-broken-hearted-helicopter-parent-p1.html

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OP Read the thread linked above. Interesting to me that so many in that post were supportive of the mom lamenting her “helicopter” ways, but seem to have much less empathy for this situation.

It is really easy to take one post and decide the OP and spouse were “snow plow” parents or did way more for this kid than is typical of many parents. Yes, kids should be allowed to fail and find their own path, but not every kid whose parents helped clear the way end up doing poorly in college. Many of the kids I know that had internships got them through family connections, including kids going into real jobs at top financial, accounting or marketing firms.

It is also easy to give advice as if it is there is one simple right answer. In reality, it is almost impossible to know the right thing to do Did it make sense at the time to get a kid a tutor to get over a rough patch in a hard course? In my house it did and for 2 of my kids, they were able to handle the challenges of college with no problem. Getting a few bad grades freshman year or even having to repeat a class? I know a number of kids (not mine) that did this who ended up with bachelor degrees and are now gainfully employed. Not meet the GPA line set by the parents but still be allowed to continue in college? Also know kids that did this and again graduated and are employed. What happens if he gets 4 Bs and one C this semester? Is that good enough or is he done? 2 Cs and 2 As?

Luckily, kids do grow and mature. While it doesn’t make sense to continue to pay for college for a kid that just isn’t succeeding or is partying too heavily, it is not that easy to know when to pull the plug and what to do instead. While the plan would be to have him work, what if he doesn’t? What if he comes home and plays video games? Do you actually throw him out on street?

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105

I think posters here have a LOT of empathy for the OP. You can’t parent in the rear view mirror, unfortunately.

But OP has pushed back on some of the suggestions- and seems to be waiting for someone to validate the decisions which have been made and to give a road map for “this is how your kid who doesn’t study and isn’t truthful with you about his academic progress is going to turn into a passionate and ambitious superstar”.

The horse has left that barn. We’re trying to offer suggestions on how to help this kid finish college, develop a plan for his adult life, and get on with it. Suggesting he’s a good candidate for ROTC? That’s magical thinking.

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106

I agree with you that it is impossible to know what to do b/c this is not a sophomore/parent relationship issue. This issue goes way deeper into the entire functioning of the family dynamic. There isn’t a simple answer b/c there isn’t a simple way of understanding the student/parent relationship over 19-20 yrs of life.

One of the comments that stuck out to me was that whatever they decide would impact their relationship with their child forever. B/c of the way the relationship exists already, I think even that is an over simplification. There are already relationship issues (trust, truthfulness, etc.) How the parents and any possible siblings (both younger and older, if there are siblings) view how this situation came to be vs how it is thought of years from now is is way too complicated to reduce it to just how will the student react.

107

I haven’t real all the comments, but it sounds like it is time for a come to Jesus talk.

I tell my kids this. Go to college, go to the military, or get in a trade or get out of my house. Now the kid in question is in college hanging on by a thread. You can easily put a requirement of some sort of GPA or college is done and most likely done living with the family.

I am lucky that my D19 is off at college and must maintain a 3.0 to keep merit scholarships. If she loses them then she is back at home going to community college. It is all on her. I will say I do worry plenty being the first semester. But we don’t have the money to pay for school with no scholarships.

I will support my kids if they have a plan and are working the plan. At some point they have to make it on their own.

108

I don’t want to seem unsympathetic, but your son didn’t get to where he is on his own. It sounds like instead of letting him find his own way in high school you decided what sort of person you wanted him to be and pushed him until you got the results you wanted. But your son isn’t you, and without all the demands and accommodations you provided him in high school he’s not able to perform to your standards. I’m not sure why that surprises you. You have to teach kids strategies before you take their supports away.

If you’ve ruled out depression and/or learning issues then I think it’s time for an honest conversation. I assume he’s seen his transcript. What does he have to say about it? Does he realize he could be kicked out if his GPA drops too low? Instead of thinking of him as a slacker and making threats to pull financial support it might be helpful to listen to what he has to say and direct him to the on campus resources who can help him create a plan. Then do what you can do to support it.

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It’s really easy to see clear paths and choices once you are out of the woods. Much more difficult in the trees…

When parents say “these grades aren’t Good Enough for me to spend money” what do our children hear? I think a lot of them hear "I am embarassed and ashamed of you, you big failure. If you can’t make decisions I like, I’m not going to be there to help you. " That’s a really damaging thing to tell someone.

There’s nothing wrong with saying " ok, we need you to improve your gpa or we’ll run out of money for college. So bring them up, or we’ll ask you to withdraw". That’s a dispassionate plan. But you can’t be setting other people’s goals for them, that doesn’t work for anybody!

Every year, we see stories of parents who show up for graduation and their student is not there. A famous local case involved a friend of ours whose son just couldn’t bear to tell them he’d failed a semester and wasn’t graduating. He disappeared for 6 long days – can you imagine? Every year, CC’rs respond to pleas from failing students on how to tell their parents. OP, a little perspective for you. It really doesn’t matter how long it takes your son to graduate, or if he does. Or if he takes a break to regroup. It feels vital, it feels panicky, but put some space between your grief for what you imagined college would do for/to him, and the reality of where he is. And then make a plan. And assure him, and you, that all can be well, in the end.

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Delete - wrong thread. sorry

111

If he does go to counseling, I wonder what his perspective on the family dynamic is.

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I think it’s a big leap from statement 1 to 2. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to not pay for failing courses when it’s a student who is goofing off. Totally different if this student was working with a tutor, and putting forth an effort.

Could this student and family benefit from counseling? Sure. I think we all can. Should parents continue to finance partying? It wouldn’t happen on my dime.

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I’ll raise my hand as someone who isn’t feeling empathy. Not for the OP anyway. It is because of the way the OP talks about her child. “Bump on a log” lazy, slacker. Comments about his appearance, his decisions…everything. This poor kid has hit yo feel like he isn’t good enough. I do feel for the kid, however.
I’d follow some of the great advice on here to maybe see the good in your son and do all you can to preserve a relationship.

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114

@momofsenior1 It might be a big leap for the person sending the message, but it’s no leap at all for most struggling students. This isn’t about whether OP is justified in feeling frustrated and angry — all of us would be. It isn’t really about whether this student is challenged, or lazy. It’s about finding a path that preserves the most choices and preserves the relationship. I see students every day, and 95% of them are keenly, desperately aware of any gulf between their performance, and what Mom wants. Again, I’m not advocating for hugs and bunnies and rainbows; I’m saying there is no success to be found in making this a struggle or personalizing it.

115

All of this.

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116

My youngest does the minimum when it comes to academics. Sophomore at a highly ranked instate. He has 2.5 I think.

I have stopped with the monitoring, pushing, arranging and suggesting.

I did this when he was in HS and my over “helping” was a mistake.

Now, I think he deserves some time to work it out on his own because I enabled him too much.

That said.

I’ll pay if he passes and doesn’t get kicked out. I’m of the—better a degree than no degree side.

I don’t track location. Unless he knows it (like on a road trip). Safety, yes. Monitoring activities, no.

In return, I get to enjoy all his great qualities. Kind. Inclusive. Very likable.

I still worry, but I have a sense of relief.

117

I agree with @greenbutton . Rightly or wrongly, the message we think we are giving is not always the message the kid is hearing. When we say we know they can do better, even if the kid knows that is true, may instead hear that we are saying they are a failure. For other kids, that kind of kick in the pants works. That doesn’t mean parents don’t have the right to set standards regarding grades etc. that must be met for the parents to pay for college, but it might not have the desired effect.

Like @svlab112 ,I did not really monitor my kid’s college grades. I felt like at that point it was up to them and they would have to live with any consequences of lousy grades. I did check in to be sure they were getting As and Bs, but that was based on what they told me. I know there was at least one C in organic but having taken that class, I wasn’t too upset or surprised. .

118

Earlier, I asked OP what his major is, what subjects have come easier for him, what activities/interests he has ever had in life (other than video games and partying) but I don’t believe it was ever addressed. I don’t know if the question just got lost in the shuffle or if the OP has decided that it’s irrelevant.

The question wasn’t casual curiosity on my part. It was an attempt to start brainstorming in some positive way, and realizing that there may be a path for this young man, even if it isn’t one the one OP envisioned for him. It’s his decision to figure out, but it would be nice if he had a parent by his side remembering what he has ever been good at, less frustrated and negative.

Such as, did he ever (even as a young child) enjoy working with his hands or building things? Is he more verbal or more physical? Is he, deep-down a sensitive person overwhelmed with life choices and blotting it out with escapist things? I’m not suggesting any of these things in particular, just brainstorming, Could he potentially be great at skilled trades? With his extroversion, would he be a success at sales or marketing? Even if her IS lazy or immature right now, what are some GOOD things about him that you can remember, that he can harness.

If you truly cannot think of anything positive to say about your son, I pity him.

My brother was probably similar to your son while in college. Smart, but a partier/frat boy who barely graduated. (Granted, college was less expensive back then, and he didn’t go to a top-50 school). A few years later, living from modest paycheck to paycheck, he and his wife started a business on a shoestring. It’s an honest business that provides something good to the world and now, forty years later, they’re quite affluent by most people’s standards (not that that’s the goal in life, but still). He has been the graduation speaker for his alma mater more than once. So, you never know…

I do sympathize with your situation, and it may call for some tough love. In your shoes I might stop paying for college for awhile. The lying would frustrate me terribly. But I think it is important to remember and build on the good things your son must surely have inside him.

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119

If I’m not mistaken, a 2.0 is a passing grade, albeit just passing Were I in your place (and I have been), I’d continue to fully support his college and living expenses, extras are on him. College is college and a pass is a pass - take it!

Your son did work a summer job, how he obtained it is irrelevant, from which he saved thousands of dollars! That is probably more than many college students can claim, and it demonstrates he has some work ethic.

I feel confident your son will eventually grow-up.

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120

Interesting. Are you suggesting had we been hands off (zero “plowing”), let him be a slacker C student in high school, let him bomb his SAT, no tutors, and let him inevitably drift around the house after high school was somehow a better alternative? A cheaper alternative, but I’m not sure it’s any better.

Yours and other posts seem to flirt with romanticizing a lazy, visionless, lying, and unmotivated teen man – “let him be him, that’s the ticket to let him find his way, real growth”. And shifting all the blame on us parents for making him this way.