You are correct. It’s more about the viewpoint that these are students are adults and it’s not my position to inquire.
I don’t agree.
True, I don’t deserve an explanation or update. I have the duty to report on the welfare of another. That’s all.
If my kid told me they had not seen a roommate for days with no explanation, they would be told to report ASAP or I would!
Yes, common courtesy is a good thing. The difference with them being an adult is, it is not and cannot be mandated. So if the missing roommate considers the living situation more that of a landlord (rather than a friend/advisor)-well, no, they wouldn’t necessarily notify anyone of their plans. The apartment landlord in places I’ve lived would neither notice nor care if a renter was not present- so long as the rent is paid, the terms of the lease are met. Many adults I knew took long term but temporary foreign work assignments, home leave, language training, semesters away, etc and did not inform their landlord, but just made sure the monthly rent was paid. Particularly in cities like DC and NYC, it is not odd at all. The same would be true for an employer-they might call once or twice if an employee suddenly abandons a job, but yes, it does happen more than one might think, according to HR professionals. A good reminder to our college kids that it is helpful to let others know of their general plans and whereabouts, and to parents to stay in touch with their adult kids, as others may not, just like when they are out of college.
I’m with @privatebanker on this. When I was a single working person, all the single working people would keep informal tabs on each other. If a single colleague didn’t show up for work and didn’t call in sick, we would call her, and even drive over to her house to check on her. Common decency, nothing to do with being an adult or boundaries. I have been deeply disturbed by how common this “disappearing roommate” thing seems to be, and now plan to give specific instructions to my kids’ roommates that they are to text me if my kid disappears.
@sevmom and @privatebanker - Sometimes we get social signals to “stay out of other people’s business”. I agree with both of you that a sense of personal responsibility should override that. Sometimes you have to be willing to “be annoying” if that means possibly preventing something bad happening.
Totally see your point.
But, to be clear on my take. I see no duty in a roommate having to notify anyone on their plans or whereabouts. a courtesy heads up is nice but not required.
This is not about the person who left or neighbor who is traveling etc.
My only view is with or without a relationship with your neighbor or roommate - the general welfare of others is a societal norm.
If I know my neighbor and they disappear suddenly, I might inquire.
If I live the person and they disappear and leave their stuff - it’s a moral imperative to let someone know!
@ccprofandmomof2 Good idea, but don’t count on that request being honored. They are not your kids. You would probably have better luck throwing in a couple "please"s. Edit: Even better, give specific instructions to your student to give your phone number to his or her roommates to text you in the event they disappear. I will probably do this with my son when the time comes.
agreed,if the roommates are friends, they would already have notified you, and if they aren’t, well, your “instructions” sure aren’t going to get them to do so. Back in the day, my missing roommate’s father, suspecting his daughter was off, would call our dorm room in the middle of the night (old style phones). Yes, it was incredibly annoying to have to pick up and say no, his daughter couldn’t come to the phone and I had no further info about her. I should have just taken the phone off the hook, I suppose-why on earth was I stuck in the middle of this family drama? If their friends, they will let you know if they think there is a real problem, but otherwise, don’t count on it.
@roycroftmom your situation was different than the thread.
If I had a roommate who was ducking her parents. That’s one thing.
This thread was about a missing person, potentially. And the obvious things that could follow that observation in today’s world.
Outside of college, police are often requested to do a welfare check on people who have broken routine by not coming to work or failing to pick up children or pets. This is a wake up call for parents to remind their students to keep roommates (and travel companions) up on when they will be away for an extended time and also to have just a little concern for roommates wellbeing.
When our D moved off-campus, we made sure that she gave her roommates my and W’s cell phones in case they needed to reach us. Heads-up for those parents that haven’t thought of doing something similar.
Heads up to also ask your college students to check in with you, or someone else of their choosing every X days, reminding them that if they don’t, no one else may notice or care either.
In an unrelated incident, my college had a freshman in a single who had died in his room of natural causes for several weeks before the smell alerted the rest of the hall to the problem. Tell your student to make connections, friends, etc. Isolation is not a good thing.
^^^^^ 
When I was 21 and just starting out, I lived in NYC in a walk-up apartment, in a building with around eight apartments total. One day I noticed that the mail in one mail box hadn’t been picked up for several days. I alerted my landlady, who lived in the building, and together we entered the person’s apartment. It was very spooky – the radio was on, but he was no where to be found. It turned out he had gone out for a quick errand several days earlier and had some sort of medical episode. He was in the hospital. He was very grateful that I had noticed that he hadn’t picked up his mail and that I inquired about him.
I agree: It’s a societal norm that we should look out for each other, even almost-strangers.
It should be a societal norm to look out for our neighbors. I deliver the neighborhood association newsletter and at one of the houses the door was ajar. It’s never been open before. I know a very old woman lives there and that her property is falling apart rapidly, but I have never seen her. I called the police to check on her. I didn’t want to do it myself because if there were bad guys in there I didn’t want to get hurt. They did and it turned out a visitor just forgot to close the door. No harm done.
@roycroftmom You must have had a very interesting college experience - your freshman roommate disappears and then a student dies at your college and nobody notices for weeks!
My roommate was dating an older creepy guy who lived in his van and said he was being sought after by CIA and/or other govt agents. He always wore a black cape. We were able to convince her to hide when he showed up and stop seeing him—we were afraid she’d disappear! We had the gift of fear and we believe helped a very naive young lady.
Sevmom, not really. I had another roommate as well, so tho one left us, so to speak, the other remained. The boy who died was much later than my frosh year. Things happen at all colleges.
Again, a little OT, but if any of your kids ever mention that a roommate is acting oddly, PLEASE ask them to speak to an RA!! 18-21 is the age that serious mental illness strikes a lot of people, particularly young men. Getting help quickly could stave off a psychotic breakdown, and I am not exaggerating.
It’s interesting reading so many comments about the roommate being “an adult”. Adulthood doesn’t immunize you against needing other people to have your back. No one needs explanations, just encouragement to keep an eye on each other, and an acknowledgment that this student is accounted for.
Not everyone welcomes that degree of interest by others, happy4u. Most do, of any age, but not all, and adults do have a right to privacy and to not share information regarding their whereabouts and activities if they so desire. Adults can’t be forced to call their moms, no matter how much we moms might like it.