When to worry about missing roommate

Parent Cafe
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@sevmom: Regarding your thoughts in posts #52 and #54: The hitchhiking clam-digging students adventure occurred several decades ago before the age of constant communication & before the advent of helicopter parenting. No cell phones & no computers meant no frequent phone calls, text messaging or e-mails.

Both were 18 or, maybe, 19 years old. Both well over 6 feet tall. One was the son of college professors and the other was a quiet football player. If I recall correctly, they were college roommates.

Back then I rarely called my parents. Maybe once a semester, although I think that I never called at all during some semesters.

Helicopter parenting only existed, to the extent of my knowledge & experience, with parents guiding their child to medical school & a career as a physician.

I studied abroad three times during college. Once in Austria, once in the Soviet Union & once in Hong Kong & China. I called home once for each trip. As I was preparing to return from China, I changed my plans from flying back on the charter plane with my classmates to taking the Trans Siberian Railroad through China & the Soviet Union. Never discussed it with my parents, classmates or anyone else. There would not have been any means of communication available to me during the trip. Unfortunately, due to a minor sports injury requiring surgery, I had to cancel those plans & return home on the charter flight. Arranged for surgery, drove myself to the hospital, had surgery, but my parents had to pick me up & drive me home per hospital rules.

Back then, a lot of us were on our own for many activities. I started working at age 10–often gone for 12 hours at a time shoveling snow or cutting grass, signed myself up for all sports activities such as Little League baseball & AAU track & field, and rode my bike to all games & events. (Even became a sparring partner for two local professional boxers at age 15 without my parents involvement.)

Once we were 16 & old enough to drive, it was not uncommon to jump in the car at the spur of the moment & drive about 1500 miles to Florida. I do not recall ever informing my parents of these road trips.

I never received an allowance. Always had to make my own money.

Times are different now.

P.S. The clam-digging adventure of the other students wasn’t viewed as selfish or immature–to the extent of my knowledge–but was seen as a maturing experience.

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That is a good point, publisher. My roommate who walked out had attended boarding schools, so was more mature and independent than others may have been.

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Once again threads move away from the original OP question.

It’s not whether another adult has to report in with roommates, friends or families. No one has to at all.

In all of these great stories and they are awesome adventures. None of them are any way connected to this simple situation.

If anyone you know disappears suddenly, leaves all of their belongings like clothes, phone, wallets or bags don’t wait around after a reasonable period because you’re “cramping their style or freedom to fly as an adult”. If they are fine, it’s great. Let them be mad at you. Too bad.

It’s a little tougher for the neighbor. Unfortunately it’s usually when there’s a bad smell that people care to inquire.

@MaineLonghorn is 100 percent correct. If there are signs of a mental health problem. We all know the obvious ones. Just talk to the RA. It’s just kind and it’s just human. And let the RAs handle it.

This is not complicated and nuanced. It’s really pretty simple stuff.

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OP’s situation has been resolved & discussed thoroughly. Plus, there is room for different points of view.

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Of course. But talk to my brother who is a state police detective. You’ll change your perspective. He changed mine over the years. Early action saves lives. And we are on a college forum. I think it’s bad advice to ignore a sudden roommate disappearance under these circumstances. It’s nearly negligent.

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Well, @Publisher You said in post #50 that "the parents dropped them off at the Syracuse New York bus station to get back to school. Instead they went to Interstate 81 on ramp and hitchhiked a ride south. " So, their parents take the time to get them to the bus station, probably pay (or help to pay) their college expenses for the semester, think they are dutifully getting them back to school ,but these kids just blow all that off to go to Key West. Doesn’t sound too mature to me (even in the days of more hitchhiking and somewhat looser parental controls). But, we clearly disagree on that .

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I am not going to debate. Just sharing that there are different points of view & different motivations.

P.S. Plus, looking back, I wish that I had gone with them. Nothing wrong with enjoying life during one’s college years.

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Wasting a semester of your parents’ tuition, room, and board money, on the other hand, very definitely IS wrong.

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This isn’t an ordinary “living in a neighborhood” privacy situation. Or Alice Kravitz peering out her window. It’s a dorm. Or whatever shared living, at a time when the expectation is you’re there for school.

The adventures? Absolutely. But being an “adult” works when both parties take some responsibility.

D2 disappeared to Canada, one Friday. No one knew anything and D1 had to rustle through her FB for friends in Canada, etc. Adult? Or willful?

No simple answers.

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Sometimes these stories don’t end as well and indicate something else is going on.

I was 14 and 18 year old brother took off from college. Family didn’t know for weeks. Didn’t know what happened. But apparently he had been having hard time at school and acting strangely,we found out eventually.

He was gone for months. In Canada as well.

Tracked by a credit card he had gotten somehow. Parents were a wreck. Came back eventually on his own. Within six months he was dead if suicide in our garage. His name was Glenn and he was at Cornell. His roommate didn’t say anything and my brother didn’t have many friends it turns out.

But perhaps we could have intervened and gotten him some help. Maybe not. Perhaps we could have helped get him back sooner. Maybe not.

But it would have been nice to have had the chance. He was a really good brother. And smart kid.

It was some time ago but it is still is relevant. At least for me as a parent now. I would hope someone would care enough to care a little.

I believe this is why my younger brother sought a career as a detective focusing on missing people and kids. It consumed him a bit.

Just a personal view of the question at hand.

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So sorry about Glenn. There are a lot of Glenn’s out there that deserve to be noticed and cared for. Again,so sorry. Your family clearly cared about Glenn and would have done whatever necessary to help him.

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@privatebanker — so sorry for your family’s loss of Glenn. I hope your post helps save others.

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Thanks everyone. It was over 30 years ago. Dad and mom were sadly never quite the same. Mom just turned 87 on Saturday.

Not sure if everyone saw but even super successful pop star Justin Beiber announced he is seeking 30 day treatment for depression. And asks for our prayers as he is not doing well. Maybe it will lessen the stigma for others.

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Our HS is investing a lot of time/effort/energy in having kids notice differences in behavior among their classmates. Of course, they are trying to prevent the most catastrophic of events, but I would like to think that our kids are also learning to care for each other. I love this L.R. Knost quote, “It’s not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.”

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@privatebanker, so sorry about the loss of your brother. Before you posted, I was thinking the same thing - sometimes “Road trip!” is not a good thing. I have talked to several parents over the past few months whose adult children took off on road trips that ended up disastrously, usually in hospital stays a long way from home.

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Because of this thread, I asked both of our kids to please give our contact info to people in their lives, so we could be reached as we live 2500-5000 miles away. They are 29/31, but don’t reach out all that frequently. S said no problem. I’m pretty sure D will get back to us.

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@privatebanker I am sorry for the loss of your brother. I hope as well that “someone would care enough to care a little” in the future if someone they notices goes missing, goes off course, or does something out of the ordinary

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And Michael Phelps.
PB, so sorry about Glenn. But so pleased you named him here. It’s important.

I just have to add that not all people show overt signs of mental illness. Especially in a period like the college years, when there are pressures, on one hand, and so many variations in how kids appear, as they test themselves and their limits.

I don’t want anyone banging themeelves up for what truly may not be obvious. OP was about a kid who seemed to outright disappear. That’s in your control to notice and report. And if you don’t want to use the RA, for any reason, go to the housing office. In case.

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Yes. It funny, in a very observant way, you say that @lookingforward

I haven’t mentioned his name in a while. In fact for years it was almost easier for the family to act as thuough it didn’t happen and as he hadn’t existed. Not a peep. It’s a strange phenomenon and I know it sounds awful. But it’s true and I can’t explain why.

I am not advocating any form of personal need for sleuthing or over monitoring of other people.

And it’s not always clear at all

But sometimes that’s facts are plain and clear. and as @lookingforward mentions. It only takes a second to mention something to the ra and move on.

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@privatebanker — folks process profound grief in different ways and it is odd how often they sometimes tiptoe around and refrain from talking about it or what happened.