Just because someone is legally an adult does not mean they are emotionally mature enough to make good decisions. Many years ago there was a thread titled something like “crazy tings we did in college when we were their age” or something like that. Somehow we survived, but young adults make some bone-headed decisions. We are not invincible. Sometimes young adults are clueless as to the implications of their choices on themselves or their families.
@HImom Thanks wasn’t access to therapy or counseling at that time. Hopefully it is now.
There’s no class for this one I am afraid.
Almost no one who knows me today even knows this happened. Not that they should. But the silence was hard when you were a teen and going to college etc. it was very much like a bad dream but in real life. Can’t explain but hopefully my story can help all the great student advocates on cc be a little more open to that kid (who was me). Sometimes the kids left in the wake of these types of situations. And also to the warning signs.
I hope I’m not depressing everyone. There’s plenty good out there too!
Just the other day, my young niece and nephew-in-law attended a funeral of a 40ish year old attorney. I believe he caused an auto accident in which a person died and the next day he killed himself.
It was unclear if he was in a depressed state when he caused the accident or was so despondent after it, but his family is heartbroken and the poor widow (with 2 young kids) is being harassed by the accident victim’s family.
I did seek out a counselor once or twice at college and am glad they were available, confidential and free (plus my folks got no record or bill that I ever saw them). It was in the 1970s. It was just nice to have a sounding board to process thoughts and feelings and get some validation.
I’m troubled by some of the posts where college students are told there is a several week/month wait for counseling services —that seems very inadequate and unreasonable. It’s tough getting folks to reach out for services and seems very wrong that they’re not readily available.
I hadn’t heard that. Wow. If they were bleeding externally the hospital would be closed down or sued for that wait. It’s just the bleeding is internal. In a manner of speaking.
Not all of us survived. If someone didn’t survive, they’re obviously not posting somewhere about the wild and crazy things they did that were just fine. 'Cause they’re dead.
A bunch of us from our sorority stayed in town over the summer. Several lived at home for the summer, I was in an apartment with 3 others, several rented rooms in a frat house for the summer. One of the frat house girls was around our apt all the time until suddenly she wasn’t. She wasn’t a close friend of mine, but I heard the others talking that she was with her friends from the Sunshine House. It was the Moonies. She was being prepped by a cult. I said “Call her mother.” A few days passed and the others were becoming concerned. I said “Call her mother.” Another day or so and someone finally called her mother.
Mother was on the next plane.
No one else had ever heard of the Moonies. I’d read an article about it so knew it was dangerous. I was the youngest in the group but her mother knew about the Moonies. She took the girl home for several weeks for therapy but she was able to come back to school in the fall. Of course, she lived in the sorority house then and we kept an eye on her.
Adult? Legal adult but not mature? Doesn’t matter. Someone needs to know where you are.
well, of course some didn’t survive. But we, meaning those of us posting here, did survive. Some were probably pretty darned fortunate to still be here. Could have turned out differently. And the point of that thread was that it wasn’t fine. We did some pretty stupid stuff in our youth.
I agree and have read about many schools having this problem, including Northwestern, where I am an alum. Here are a couple of NU articles from the last year or two…I know they are trying to address it, but it’s heartbreaking to think of a student being turned away.
When looking for schools for D19 we did some research on each school’s counseling services and so many aren’t equipped to see someone that day, which is unacceptable.
@Happy4u , our school district also strongly promotes watching out for each other. “See something, say something” is rather drilled in, and they have ways to anonymously report concerns for other students all over the place.
My D is a college sophomore and I’ve made a point at move in to ask the roommate if it’s OK if I give her my number, and tell her to never hesitate to contact me if something is off, or wrong. I’ve also traded numbers with the other parents. This thread makes me realize that this may be something to talk about more with my sons…I believe that girls may hear the message to watch out for each other more than boys.
@Mwfan1921 - I think investigating counseling options absolutely must be on everyone’s list of criteria when picking schools with their kids, even if there has never been indicators. Our family policy is that our kids need to make a counseling appointment for approximately 6 weeks after arriving on campus. If they get to 5 weeks in and are feeling rock solid, they can cancel it. But most kids away from home could use a little support right about then. Plus, it takes the stigma away, because the kids can say, “My parents insist that I do this.” It also assured us that they knew how to make those appointments.
Make sure students going away to college also know the text, skype, and hotline numbers for immediate help. There are many reputable online therapy options these days. I can’t imagine being in psychological distress, alone at college, and being told I can’t speak with someone for X weeks. The lack of investment in this area is really shameful, especially at some schools.
The lack of investment in mental health services on college campuses, mimics the outside world. As a nation, we do a terrible job providing and funding mental health services.
I am not an overbearing or nosey parent. However, my son recently had a situation where he had to call an ambulance for his roommate and wanted to call his parents but didn’t have their contact information. He called me and I had to try to reach mom through facebook (thank you facebook for letting “friends” call each other without phone numbers!). Eventually I was able to reach the mom and have her call my son. My point is, it is NOT overbearing for roommates to have each others family information. Please exchange all the numbers and hope you never need them!
When we moved my S21 into college freshman year, I exchanged numbers with his roommate and parents, and my S did the same. I also put the RA and RD phone numbers.
The RD phone came in handy one night at about 11pm, when a mom posted a frantic message on the university parents FB Page. I was able to share the RD phone number, and the RD immediately went into action for a crisis situation.
Point is, you never know when your information could help your family or another family.
I don’t think that I ever had or requested contact information for any of my d’s freshman year roommates. Probably never thought about it. I personally had a roommate who at the end of our sophomore year did try to commit suicide by overdosing. In those days, in addition to RA’s the dorms each had a grown-up dorm administrator who was either a grad student or some kind of res life trainee. I alerted my RA and the dorm administrator and she was hospitalized but I was never in touch with her family. We hadn’t planned to live together junior year and I am sure we were in communication with each other that summer and the following year.
Younger D never saw her RA once after move-in for the entire year and she lived across the hall from her. When younger d came back from study abroad she lived in specialty housing and when she moved in, the roommate’s stuff was all over the room but she never slept there once the entire semester. She came by every now and then to change her clothes which were stored in piles around the room not in the dresser or the closet and watch “House” on daughter’s TV. She also came by once with a friend and daughter came in from class while they were doing lines of cocaine.
Yikes—I’m fortunate than no one I lived with ever was suicidal nor used much in the way of drugs (though one suitemate and her friend often smoked MJ for the buzz. I didn’t have contact info for my room mates nor did they have mine. I did get S’s freshman room mate’s contact info but none for D and none after that one time.
Because of this thread, I did ask both kids to share my and H’s contact info with people who should have it in case we need to be contacted. They still haven’t given us any contact info of people significant in their lives. They did indicate they’ve given others our contact info.
My d is long out of college. She still lives with roommates, who are at least acquaintances (not Craigslist). Not only do her roommates have our contact information, but we have theirs. Two reasons for this. First, I want to have a name attached to the number so that I answer the phone. Second, if I cannot reach her for a reasonable amount of time (two weeks or so, without responding to texts), I want information from someone who may not be worried because she’s fine and I don’t know it, or may become worried and be in a better position to do some investigation. Maybe it comes from watching too many “Law & Order” episodes. “When did you see her last?” “I don’t know; we don’t pay attention.”