<p>My son is engaged to a lovely young woman. They love each other…no question. The bride comes from a different background (more religious)… We have worked out the ceremony and wedding. What they do after they are married they have worked it out.</p>
<p>Before I start my question I want to add: If you (or someone you know) has never had a weight issue (weighing too much or too littl)e you may not get this, but here goes. We live in an area where looks are important. (I will say upfront that I spend an hour working out 5 to6 times a week. I have botoxed (everything moves), plasticed, acid washed my face…I have struggled with my weight…so here goes.</p>
<p>The future Ms. Ellebud has struggled. with her appearance. In the middle of a conversation today she “confessed” that she has gained weight due to eating a lot from stress. Her parents have said that my son will leave her if she stays “fat”. He won’t.</p>
<p>I told her to communicate. But I am angry. Is this something that is just here? </p>
<p>I’m not sure I understand. You mean, she is upset because (a) she’s has gained weight from stress and (b) she believes your son will leave her because of that? That concern will only cause more stress!</p>
<p>Who are you looking for her to communicate with? Your son? Her parents? What do you expect her to say?</p>
<p>I don’t really know what you can do, except encourage her to keep her focus on what is healthy for her. That is why I work out and try to watch my weight – don’t want diabetes, heart disease, and other assorted obesity related health issues. I hesitate to tread here, but if you are someone who has bought into things like botox, etc. – then you have little moral ground to be angry about your community norms. I think there is some pressure in all communities by some people to worry about those things – I certainly know a group of moms from my kid’s school and our neighborhood who are wound up about appearances. But I just ignore 'em. </p>
<p>My son won’t leave due to poundage. His father, Mr. Ellebud didn’t leave when I got cancers. Our son saw that. My question is: why would her parents say this? Why would they undermine their child? Why would they want to hurt her? </p>
<p>Okay… I am sure your son is a fine young man, and probably will not leave her over this. But just because he observed his father staying when the going got tough in itself does not mean he will stay. But, of course, these parents are projecting their unhappiness with a behavior on their daughter’s part onto your son. Trying to force her to do something they want her to do by threatening dire consequences that aren’t actually anything they would have any control over or knowledge of. They may be concerned because of appearances, or because of her health, or maybe they actually have known couples who split up over this. It does happen… Can’t say I would be excited for your son to be getting them for in-laws, though. Doesn’t seem like tact, good communication skills, or kindness are among their attributes (at least not based on this particular story).</p>
<p>Oh, I see. Well, the world is full of a-holes. It sounds like your son’s future in-laws may be prime examples. I can’t imagine why a parent would tell their daughter such a hurtful thing. Perhaps you can be a voice of support and strength. If she wants to lose weight you could offer your support - having a mom-in-law who will do weight watchers points or share recipes could be a bond or do a who can get more steps on our pedometers challenge could be a more positive influence to balance out her insensitive parents. </p>
<p>(Putting on my clerical collar). PLEASE, tell me that they are receiving premarital counseling from the pastor who is marrying them or a counselor. Some of the topics I cover are things about the future spouse that annoy you, relationships with parents, and whether or not each partner is doing self’-care.</p>
<p>I don’t think this is any of your business. You can’t control what her parents say to her, what she says to your son, what anyone says, thinks or does. Just what you do. So stay out of it. You have no control over what your son will do–maybe he will leave a wife due to extra poundage, nothing you can do if he does, so why would you make assurances that you have zero control over. Just stay out of it. The whole thing sounds ridiculous to me. </p>
<p>Intra-familial weight issues are big deals. I’m old, and have gained my share of weight, but probable qualify as normal. We have some family members who are above normal, and I doubt they appreciate advice and other observations given to them. I don’t give any. Losing weight is not easy (its simple, but difficult). The person in question has to decide on his own that he’s interested and going to do it. All the nagging in the world won’t make a difference. Using a threat to substitute for nagging isn’t the best tactic, IMHO. </p>
<p>I didn’t see Bevhills sharing her story as ‘how can I stick my nose in’, so much as, ‘I feel so sad that this poor young lady has parents who have said something deeply hurtful to her within weeks of what should be the happiest day of her life’. </p>
<p>What you can do is be a listening ear for her, and affirm her feelings of being hurt.</p>
<p>Some people don’t have the parents you wish they had. Some people are hyper-critical, especially to their own children. You can teach your future DIL not to parent like she was. That love can be unconditional and uncritical. Just be the best example you can be. </p>
<p>Wise words from teriwtt and deb922. What I wonder is whether she took her parents’ words to heart and was really questioning whether or not your son would leave. I truly hope they (your son and she) have a close enough relationship that she would know her fiancee would not leave her should she gain weight. It makes me sad for her that she has parents who would say such a hurtful, critical thing and I would hope like anything, as deb says, that she will not parent kids she may have that way. Listening and being supportive is an appropriate role for you…</p>
<p>This is not the first time that your FDIL’s parents have failed to impress me. </p>
<p>It sounds as if your FDIL is the low person in the familial pecking order. Everything for the son, nothing for her. It happens. She is lucky she has you. </p>
<p>It’s possible that her parents (misguidedly) really believe that it’s a reasonable expectation, given the norms in your community, that most men would walk out on a wife who became fat. And before everyone gets on their high horse about it, I think that many men do. They may not admit that as the reason for ending the marriage but I think it can often be a major factor and in 21st century western culture let’s face it; there are few things that seem to offend people more than a fat woman.</p>
<p>Over the years it’s been reported that in polls and studies, large percentages of the population actually hold alcoholics and drug addicts in higher esteem than fat people, women in particular. After all, we’re told that addicts have an illness and are not responsible for their situations but fat people are considered lazy, undisciplined, self-indulgent and generally disreputable. It’s awful but I believe it’s true. Nice people talk about being concerned for the fat person’s health; the rest simply sneer behind their backs or ridicule them.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry for your future daughter-in-law and there’s no easy solution you can offer her. I hope that she and your son can talk honestly about this issue and that he treats her kindly. He knows her and loves her and hopefully can see beyond the (maybe temporary) weight issue to who she really is.</p>
<p>I’m wondering if maybe the parents aren’t being mean to her as a way of forcing her to lose weight but observing as GTalum has, that in your part of the world, looks matter very, very much. So much that you, her future MIL can give a laundry list of all the “work” you’ve done, from botox to daily workouts to acid washing your face (what? wth is THAT?). Maybe these parents are worried that your son is just as concerned with looks and that FDIL won’t “fit in” if she cannot lose the weight. Maybe they see her coming from a place where a few pounds don’t matter so much. Maybe FDIL has told them about your D who “had” to diet because of a larger dress size (which was all the designer’s fault) even though she had not actually gained weight (which to some people would indicate an eating disorder).</p>
<p>I’d sure caution MY DD about trying to keep up with the community mindset that looks matter that much. I wouldn’t tell her to lose weight, but I might ask if she’s thought it through marrying into a family where weight and looks matter just so much.</p>
<p>Agree. Marrying into a family where anything is highly valued and you don’t make the grade can be potentially problematic-whether it is looks, weight, profession, elite education, religious issues, athleticism, etc. </p>
<p>Bevhills…has this gal gained a few pounds due to stress or is she truly fat? There is a huge difference. Gaining five or even 10 pounds will bulk you up, but it certainly won’t take you into the obese category. </p>
<p>I agree…they need to talk to a third party…neither set of parents…about this concern. </p>