<p>I think there is no need to feel “angry” about any of this. The bride and her family are probably experiencing some normal anxiety about marrying into another family . I believe you have said you are paying for most of the wedding even though you are the groom’s parents and her parents may already be feeling insecure about some of this. They just may be having a normal last minute discussion with her (as their daughter) about their anxiety about her marrying into a family unlike theirs (and making sure she understands what she is getting into). I (and my family)had some last minute anxiety when I married years ago as I married UP (in terms of education levels and income of future spouse’s family). I would just assume the bride’s parents have the best intentions and not look for trouble. </p>
<p>I think it is simple. Looks matter greatly to the parents, and they don’t want to be degraded by an insufficiently slender daughter. So they put ‘he’ll leave you’ pressure on her, so they do not have to suffer the embarrassment of a ‘fat’ daughter. Nice. I hope she sees this for what it is. And bev, I do not live in an especially affluent area but see the folks who do, and many appear to put a lot of effort into their appearance. Fine with me, as long as they aren’t narcissistic jerks.</p>
<p>It’s possible that her parents (misguidedly) really believe that it’s a reasonable expectation, given the norms in your community, that most men would walk out on a wife who became fat. And before everyone gets on their high horse about it, I think that many men do. They may not admit that as the reason for ending the marriage but I think it can often be a major factor and in 21st century western culture let’s face it; there are few things that seem to offend people more than a fat woman.</p>
<p>I agree with this.
I also know several men who traded in their wives not because they gained weight, because they didnt, they still look great, but they are no longer* young*. ( the men of course ignore the fact that they are also no longer young, but as their power and wealth increases, a young beautiful wife is considered a necessary symbol, even as they deny it)
Living in a community which values youth and health to the point of it not being unusual for people to utilize surgical options to appear younger, puts pressure on even those who are trying not to buy into the mindset that appearance is the most important thing.</p>
<p>Listen to FDIL, be supportive, try not to get sucked in to controversy. I don’t have a DIL, but have been one. My MIL was very critical. I plan on being more accepting. If my son loves her, I will love her, whether she is fat or thin. </p>
<p>Do you think you are intimidating to FDIL? Thinner? Richer? More glamorous? Maybe she wants some reassurance that you like her. Find some honest ways to compliment her. </p>
<p>My Inlaws are still very critical, and I agree it makes a huge difference, not only as how they see me, but it colors how their son sees me. Yes, even after 33 yrs.</p>
<p>What a refreshing change at my daughter wedding reception to hear not only her new husband give a speech about how much joy and happiness she has brought to him, but to hear her father in law and her sister in law formally express similar sentiments welcoming her to the family.</p>
<p>I think what you can do is give her reassurance. Help her understand how much you appreciate her and think she is wonderful, that you are non critical and truly like who she is. Perhaps you can share your story of cancer, what you went through, and how your son saw your suffering and that your husband stuck with you. Just be the compassionate person that you are, and let her know how you feel about her. I’d be leery of saying too many negative things about her family, lest she end up sharing, but you can be kind and supportive to her.</p>
<p>My husband and I are very supportive. (I spent an hour with her today listening. They have a fantastic relationship with their rabbi. The rabbi has opined several times that her parents did enough talking…and it is time for them to stop.</p>
<p>We are lucky to have each other. Yes, she has had weight problems for most of her life. But the stress of the wedding is getting to her. As I said we talked for an hour about her fears. I think that she does feel better.</p>
<p>The acid comment is about a glycolic acid peel. I do workout a lot. Why? I have parkinsons (among other things). And glamorous? That’s funny. </p>
<p>How nice that she felt comfortable enough with you to confide this.
Pre-marital counseling is great. But one of the other obsessions in that part of the world is constant counseling, right? </p>
<p>Just be a support, kind and loving.<br>
Set an example that helps her break the cycle, when your grandkids come. </p>
<p>Coincidental thread <a href=“10 Things You Should Discuss Before Marriage - Parent Cafe - College Confidential Forums”>10 Things You Should Discuss Before Marriage - Parent Cafe - College Confidential Forums;
<p>Some people are just jerks. Who are unhappy and not happy unless everyone around them is unhappy also. Who are jealous of other peoples good fortune and don’t wish them a good life. </p>
<p>We can speculate until the cows come home about the future DIL’s parents and their motivation. They may be miserable, jealous, unhappy people who love making everyone around them miserable. </p>
<p>And there are people (lots of them unfortunately) who have a disordered way of looking at weight and looks. Who would be this way regardless of the family their kid marries into. The mother may have her own weight issues and disordered eating which she projects onto her daughter. </p>
<p>Like I said before, bev, keep listening to her. Personally I think that weight and looks are very important in your community. But she needs to find her way to being healthy and not use food as a crutch. You can say whatever you want but at the end of the day we don’t know how our kids are going to react. I know lots of parents who are not proud of their kids actions. Let her know that YOU support her no matter what. That you won’t judge. </p>
<p>And if a marriage dissolves and one or both people have gained significant weight, that is never the only reason the marriage breaks up. It’s usually much, much more complicated. </p>
<p>I lived in NYC for a long time where looks were important as well, but I never heard of a circumstance where someone walked out on their fiancé because of weight. Most people could lose a few pounds and my observation is that overweight people find permanent mates just as readily as those who are slim. </p>
<p>If this is something that is truly worrying your DIL, then she should feel comfortable discussing it with your son directly. They are engaged to be married after all. If there is any chance that her weight will prove to be a deal breaker for him, now or in the future, she should know this now. Hopefully you are correct and he will offer her the reassurance that would be expected from a fiancé. It was an awful thing for her mother to say to her, but the only discussion that needs to be had is one between your son and future DIL. I would encourage her to talk to your son and then stay out of it.</p>
<p>Why do parents do this to their children when they are planning a wedding? It is supposed to be the happiest time for a couple. What a soul crushing comment. Seems like her mother wants her to feel awful walking down the aisle. I know the mother is soon to be “family” but I would keep a person like this at a serious “arms length.”</p>
<p>I am honored that my dil (I don’t feel that I have to call her my fdil)) and I have a really close relationship Her birthday is today and we are planning a surprise party for this evening. I called my son after she left yesterday and my son (no skinny Minnie himself) said that he will talk to her last night. He supports her.</p>
<p>As for “why” a parent would do this to a daughter? Jealousy (as in my daughter is young, making a family, starting with a clean slate) is probably a factor. I am very aware that dil sees and talks to me far more than she does to her parents. I have not encouraged this separation. When we have a party or holiday or just because…I invite her parents. And they do come.</p>
<p>I am not going to say that we are perfect parents…(although my kids would say that we were unreasonable during those teen years). What I learned from my in laws was simple: Whatever they did, I will do the opposite. </p>
<p>
Ok, I admit I am curious about this, also. Is she chunky? Or are we talking very little weight gain? </p>
<p>I’m not clear-your DIL is NOT young or NOT making a family or NOT starting with clean slate as is your D? In what way is your DIL different from your D other than in weight (as you’ve mentioned both your Ds are very thin). I see this differently-maybe they are not jealous but are truly concerned that your family has different priorities than they do and that your DIL will always struggle to fit in and be accepted. You’ve posted on multiple threads about how important looks are-how the outside matters so much in your area that I wonder if your DIL AND her parents just see it as a no-win situation.</p>
<p>Frankly, it bothers me and I don’t even know any of you. Why would these people be jealous of your D? Help me out here. It sounds like looks are at the heart of it all, not what your D’s life is like.</p>
<p>@sseamom, the quote was this: “Jealousy (as in my daughter is young, making a family, starting with a clean slate) is probably a factor.” I read that to mean the dil’s family (or at least her mother) is jealous of their own daughter, because she is young, making a family, and starting with a clean slate. </p>
<p>Ok…she has had weight challenges most of her life… She is young (mid 20s). Her parents are difficult…in all areas. My daughters have been genetically blessed…as was my husband until he turned 40ish. All of my kids are in the field that they want to work in…they are also blessed with the knowledge that we support them.<br>
My daughters are best friends with each other. They are tough…but no one forced an issue…and now they have an easier friendship. We are secular Jews…they are not. (there is some horror about pork consumption. (not a t the wedding). </p>
<p>Her family is definitely education snobs.A degree is more important than working. I am aware that we have certain standards (NOT about weight…but do try and look together… I love my books and we all love movies, television. They don’t…unless it is politically important. </p>
<p>We are who we are…And I am quite aware there are people on this board who think that we are superficial snobs. But we are not…superficial. Need a doctor? I have entree to some of the best. Want research into medical advancements? We contribute to that…all the time. Want a rec to a certain ivy? We are the ones to talk to…we are 5 for 5…Need free legal advice…come on down…Do I have “help”…yes full time live in when our kids were little, not now. And I pay WAY over minimum wage…because I think that it is right.</p>
<p>Ok, that makes some sense, though I didn’t have the impression the parents were losers. Perhaps they are jerks. It happens. I’m still blown away by the importance of looks and outside appearances in that area.</p>
<p>Sounds like this is an issue best resolved with her fiance.
As he comes from a family which is genetically thin, perhaps he actually made a subconscious decision to not marry someone who reminds him of his mother or his sisters.
Many men are attracted to women who look like women, i.e. Curvy, with boobs & hips, not a size 0.</p>
<p>Hopefully the rabbi will preach the wedding homily based on Genesis 2 (leaving the influence of parents to form a new relationship with the spouse)…</p>
<p>From the description given by the OP, it sounds like the in laws are superficial jerks who value things like appearences and such over other things. It is unfortunately common, and if I had to hazard a guess as to what drove the parents to say such a mean thing, if you could hear their thoughts, it would be “What will people think of us if they see our daughter on her wedding day and she is fat in her dress”…it is about them and their perceived place in things, which as pathetic as it sounds, is pretty common. My dad was friends with a family where their oldest child, a son (who was a couple of years older than I), got into trouble as a teenager, had some issues, and they were a lot more worried about what this would mean to appearances if it got out then what it meant to the kid’s future, it was pretty sad. The same couple joined a local house of faith , not because they felt it was important in their lives, but they thought it would help their business (they had a store in the local town)…it could also be they believe that coming from a family of high achievers (if I read this correctly), they are projecting onto the OP’s son and her family that ‘nothing less than the best is good enough’, and assume that this applies to weight as well (in other words, they look at OP’s family, high achievers, who all apparently are thin, and assume that they would look down on a DIL that is heavy). </p>
<p>My suggestion would rather than comment on what her parents said to her, would be simply to be a comfort to her, to try and make it less stressful for her, a shoulder to cry on, and try to assure her that you tried to raise your son to love people for who they are…</p>
<p>I think in laws think OP’s are superficial and they are afraid the son is the by product of family. </p>
<p>First of all, it is bad upbringing to share family’s dirty laundry with others. Why is the DIL bad mouthing her own parents? She is an adult, let her deal with her own parents or OP’s son. I would be more concerned she’ll be her parents’ daughter some day. At this point she should be very certain of her future husband feelings for her, especially about her weight. Why is she looking for sympathy from her future mother in law?</p>