So I was just reading through one of my faorite threads when I noticed that a few recent comments were centered around the various posters feeling weary of their houses being occupied by family / friends and others as a vacation spot. I thought I was the alone in this . Our home is often times filled with family from abroad ( husband’s relatives ) and also more often than not, they bring friends that we don’t even know.
I become a B&B servant at a time when we are coming off of a busy time for our business. Sometimes , I am okay with it…other times I grin and bear it.
Most of the time I truly dread it.
So how about venting here about how your own home gets turned into a hotel / hostel / all inclusive resort ?
Pretty ballsy to have guests bring guests without asking. I’d definitely have to broach that with them before any future visit. I’d also set limits on length of visit ahead of time. “We can only host you for x days due to other commitments”. Don’t need to say any more than that IMO. If it is a long term stay, I’d also parse out a schedule whereby others were responsible for preparing meals/ordering out on certain nights. Don’t let them turn you into a B&B.
I think one hurdle would be making sure your spouse is on the same page with you if it’s not your family. Have you discussed this with him?
We moved to the West Coast a few years back and my spouses large family visited really frequently. Said spouse has a demanding job so most of the “service” fell on my shoulders. One sibling is a real pill and when she knew I was preparing dinner she’d call and say they had decided to eat out and another time she bought an entirely different meal home for everyone. Very passive aggressive. In addition to all that nonsense, we have a child on the autism spectrum that doesn’t fare well with chaos in the house…it got to the point where I told spouse absolutely no more visitors as it was really upsetting our child. I felt bad because we don’t see family often. We have now compromised that visitors can come when kids are not in school and for 3 days maximum. Fortunately the novelty of the West Coast has worn off a bit. Frankly it was exhausting.
We live near a lake…at the end of our road…in the woods. We love having our families visit…and they don’t come often enough. We have plenty of space…and when they visit, they always pitch in and help.
An aunt uses us as her mid trips pit stop many times a year. No problem.
We also know that we are welcome at their homes too.
No one has ever brought stranger friends…but honestly…if they asked, and there was a good reason…we wouldn’t object.
My sister’s house, because of its wonderful location, has been often used as a “vacation home” by one of our relatives. When they visit with the entire family, they expect my sister to feed them and provide with all the creature comforts. My sister is way too nice so she just puts up with the visits. The problem is that she’s been living an extremely stressful life due to various circumstances in her personal and professional life. Along with her dangerous health issues, I felt that I needed to protect her from any unnecessary added stress. So when this past occasion when our relative tried to use her house once again as her summer vacation home, I told her that she’s welcome to stay at a nearby hotel but stop using my sister’s house as her regular summer vacation home.
People are pretty polite about visiting us. Now that the kids are living thousands of miles away, we even have two bedrooms that are otherwise unoccupied as well. We are selective about whom we offer hospitality to and they are very grateful. We have had my BIL and niece stay with us several times, we’ve also hosted my friend that we’ve traveled with for decades (and at whose very nice home we’ve often stayed in Pasadena/San Marino), and I’ve hosted three other friends I’ve met through my nonprofit.
I would not be happy hosting hordes of folks–too exhausting and H would get VERY grumpy. One or two guests every year or two is fine. More than that is more work than we would enjoy. Imposing on someone in fragile health sounds like a bad idea.
I wonder if some of this is cultural? That @lje62 guests are from out of the country where having hordes of visitors is more the norm?
My sil is from the Caribbean and having visitors is different for her. They visit family, family visits them. She would stay with family for an entire summer. She has a different attitude about hosting also. Doesn’t worry about how clean the house is. Will have food on hand or not. She’s pretty relaxed about the whole thing where I would be uptight.
Our S says stays by us for up to a week are fine. He happily hosted his cousin for 3 weeks–they both had a blast. I have never stayed with D as she is always in a very small space, often a room in a house or an apartment. When we vacation as a family, often all 4 of us – H, me, and our 2 grown kids share one room happily with 2 double beds–males on one bed females on the other.
DH and I lived on the 30th floor of a Chicago high-rise overlooking Grant Park and Lake Michigan after we married. We enjoyed lots of visitors until one Saturday morning when DH’s parents, who lived in Michigan, opened our door as we were enjoying “cuddle time” on the couch sans clothing. I have never been so angry in my life for the embarrassment, the violation, my ignorance that they had a key, and the lack of concierge security. As we scrambled, their explanation was, “We’re so sorry; we thought you were gone this weekend!” Like that didn’t make it even worse! I demanded the key and when they had the nerve to show reluctance, I picked up the phone to make arrangements to have the lock changed, and I warned the downstairs desk that the people who had just come up to our apartment did not live in the building and should never be allowed up again without calling us.
Over the years, we’ve lived in some interesting tourist-destination places and have always enjoyed most of the traffic through our homes. However I’ve never completely gotten over that early incident and am an indifferent host to DH’s parents even thirty-some years later.
Truth is , I do it for my husband…it annoys him too , but he seldom gets to see his only brother. My SIL is the problem …she exploits me ( and I let her to keep the peace ) My BIL is suffering from a rare disease without a cure, so no even more than ever, I let it go
DH gave them a key during a previous visit when we were all coming and going independently and they “forgot” to give it back. He was as angry as I was and told them he considered it breaking and entering as they had absolutely no right to our apartment ANYtime. It still fires me up to think about it. Time for a glass of wine…
@deb922 …as far as the cultural thing…there is some truth to that , but when we visit in husband’s home country, it is never reciprocated from the repeat offenders …not even on the smallest level.
Theonly thing my SIL and I have in common is that we married brothers
My BIL has a lovely place in Brooklyn and I have stayed there often while visiting D2, who has no extra space and a cat that I’m allergic to. He and his H often aren’t there, and they’ll just leave a key with the doorman. I try to be a good guest and usually bring a gift. They are just wonderful to visit and I’m very grateful. I’ll at least feed their cats (who I am somehow not allergic to).
When we moved to California, my brother visited us 18 times in 18 months. Other family members too, sometimes 10 extras. We had blow up mattresses and plenty of towels. We didn’t mind and didn’t give up our own beds. They took us to dinner most of the time. One Chinese restaurant became a favorite, and when I went there the first time with just my daughters the owner said “Where are the big guys?” (my brothers are a little on the large size). He thought they all lived there.
My suggestion is to just state what the rules are and go about your life as normal. No big dinners unless they buy the groceries. Show them the laundry and have them learn a new skill if they aren’t familiar with the machines.
One of our houseguests insisted on treated us to every meal while he stayed in our home as our guest. We protested and I made a few meals but he was just happy to spend time with us. He used his car as an office so he wouldn’t wake us with his early morning calls (his time zone is 4 hours earlier than HI). Another houseguest helped repair a light fixture in the bedroom he slept in and helped us acquire the materials to repair and improve our other light fixtures. We don’t have many houseguests but do enjoy those whom we choose to have.
I have company all the time and I love it, but that’s because I don’t go too far out of my way for them. I show them where everything is in the kitchen, and let them know they are on their own for breakfast and lunch, and to let me know if they will join us for dinner. I also have a binder that has a map and list of nearby things like drug stores, grocery stores, Target, etc., as well as local parks and things to do.