<p>One of my children has really disappointed us. I need some advice on getting over it. To clarify he did not do anything that would hurt or endanger anyone. Just performed an act that was against the moral values he has been raised with.
He has been punished by having to pay a fine. We have made the decision that we are not going to let him drive his car (we are owners of record) over the winter break or spring break. The action was not car related but that is a consequence that he will feel.
We are feeling anger and disappointment. These feelings are made worse by the fact that we had been so pleased with his behavior over Thanksgiving and also with his attitude regarding school.
Any advice?</p>
<p>Are you talking about a child who is in college or high school? Does he regret his action, or does he disagree with your assessment about it? Was the fined by you or the law?</p>
<p>I’m sorry that he disappointed you. I understand that’s difficult for you to deal with.</p>
<p>I’d recommend “sleeping on this” a few days. Things may look a lot different in a week. JMHO.</p>
<p>^ I was thinking that, too. </p>
<p>It’s good that he didn’t do anything that would harm or endanger anyone (including himself, I presume).</p>
<p>It sounds like the child is in college. If my child who is over the age of 18 did something against the moral values he was raised with, I would, indeed, be disappointed. But, he is on his own at college and other than expressing my disappointment, I’m not sure what kind of punishment you can give to a kid who is acting as an adult for ten months out of the year. </p>
<p>Occasionally, when the kids have done something to disappoint me, I try to shower them with love. The last thing I need, is to drive a wedge into a stressed relationship.</p>
<p>As for getting over it, my short term memory is shot these days, so as time goes on, I wouldn’t feel so hurt.</p>
<p>At a certain point in life – and college may be that time – people have to develop their own, individual moral values. </p>
<p>Sometimes, they develop moral values that differ from those they were raised with. This usually involves some thought – often very deep thought. For example, I remember that when I was in college, some of my friends thought for a long time before changing their religious practices to something different from those of their parents (some stopped attending religious services, others began to practice their religion MORE strictly than their parents did, and a few joined a religious group different from the one their parents had raised them in).</p>
<p>In other cases, a young person may do something he has never done before and find out that he is uncomfortable with it because of the moral values he has internalized. In such situations, it is unlikely to happen again. I have seen this happen with students who cheat on a test once and feel so guilty about it that they never do it again.</p>
<p>And then, there are situations where the parent regards an action as immoral but the child believes that morality has nothing to do with it. In some families, this way of thinking applies to homosexuality, for example.</p>
<p>So it seems to me that there are a variety of different situations, which may call for a variety of different responses from you – or maybe none at all.</p>
<p>What especially strikes me about your situation is that you found out about the action that conflicts with the moral values your child was raised with. An awful lot of things happen at college and parents never find out about them. How did you find out about this one? Did your child tell you? If he did, then it may be a subject that he would like to discuss with you – adult to adult. I’m not sure whether withdrawal of privileges – an action that parents take in response to a child’s misbehavior – is necessarily the most appropriate response.</p>
<p>It is hard to advise without knowing any details. But in general - if it is “only” a matter of morals, and we are talking about a college kid, I am not sure that “punishment” is a way to go… To your kid (who probably thinks of himself as a grown-up) it will seem about as appropriate as if your parents were punishing you for doing something they disagree with.</p>
<p>I am not saying that you should ignore it - you can talk to him, and state your disappointment, etc. But a “punishment”, especially a kind of punishment that has nothing to do with the offense, will seem condescending, and will drive the child away from you.</p>
<p>I agree with the above. Without knowing the infraction and the age of the child, it’s hard to say.</p>
<p>But generally: children dissappoint. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be normal. Love them, support them and let them be their own person.</p>
<p>A disagreement about morals is definitely a tricky thing to punish. The adage is that the punishment should fit the “crime.” But behaving under a different moral code may not necessarily be a crime. For instance, some people truly believe that legalizing gay rights is a moral sin. Others, though, myself included, believe that legalizing gay rights is a moral necessity. It is a time for your family to examine the moral code, perhaps. You have taught your child your code, and now if he is branching out and embracing some of his upbringing and creating his own sense of morality for other parts of his upbringing, then you need to accept it. He may very well be using the lessons of the family VERY well. He is thinking on his own. Isn’t that what we, as parents, really want? Maybe it’s a question of exactly what he did that you think is so wrong. Illegal? Destructive? Hurtful to others? Absolutely, throw the family book at him. Otherwise, think twice. Examine the evidence…</p>
<p>The other thing to consider is that most people do stupid things, at least occasionally. It’s part of growing up and (hopefully) maturing, part of learning from one’s experiences.</p>
<p>I would write him a letter. Writing it will give you an opportunity to work through your feelings about it. You can also make sure that it says everything you’d want to air in a discussion about such a tricky topic. In a face to face conversation, emotions can direct where the discussion goes and many important things can be left unsaid.</p>
<p>Then I’d sit on the letter for several days, and read it when I was in a calm frame of mind before sending it. I’ve done this in several situations with my children, and it’s been a great help. </p>
<p>(((hugs))) to you. I think that every child disappoints his/her parents in some way, major or minor, on the road to adulthood, whether we like to admit it or not.</p>
<p>It might be worth thinking about whether the action your son took is the sort of thing that most people agree to be wrong or whether it’s something about which reasonable people can reasonably disagree.</p>
<p>For example, most people think that adultery is not a good idea. But opinions on two unmarried people having sex with each other vary greatly.</p>
<p>Another example: Almost everyone would agree that painting swastikas on synagogues is wrong. But opinions differ on whether there is anything wrong with a young person who was raised in an observant Jewish family deciding to stop observing the kosher dietary laws.</p>
<p>Then there’s a third category: things that parents don’t really like but that may not be worth making a overwhelming fuss about (although you might want to make sure that the young person is aware of the potential consequences of his actions). I’m talking about things like subletting apartments under conditions that are not consistent with the lease, violating “freshmen can’t have cars” rules by not registering the car and parking it in an off-campus lot, doing part-time work “off the books,” illegal music downloads, and 21-year-olds buying alcoholic beverages for younger students. Many of us would rather that these things didn’t happen, but we are not willing to sacrifice our relationships with our kids because of them.</p>
<p>When my kids do something that is related to their behavior (e.g. acting like a jerk [vs. getting a low test score]) I do tell them how disppointed I am and hope for remorse (once or twice I’ve even gotten tears from the girls.) I’m a real positive parent, so expressions of disappointment hit pretty hard.</p>
<p>Just make sure you keep the lines of communication open and don’t do what my mom did: When I was 21 and an employed college graduate, Mom found out that I was sexually active and told me she never wanted to speak to me again. That lasted for about 5 months, then she had to have surgery and, fearing death, started speaking to me again. Thank the lord for that surgery!</p>
<p>Thanks everyone. I don’t know if moral was the right word to use. What he did goes against our philosophy of respecting others and their property. I also believe that there are laws for a reason and we need to follow them whether we agree with them or not.</p>
<p>We are open-minded and have no problem with him dating anyone or having sex as long as he is not taking advantage of anyone. I don’t like the fact he drinks underage but I am resigned to it. I am also open to any of my children having whatever sexual orientation they feel is right for them.
He is in college and was fined by the wronged party not by us. We found out because he called us to help him figure out how to pay the fine. He had known about the fine for a month but waited till the day before it was due to ask for help paying for it. Of course it was a weekend and we had no way of getting him money. He had some money in his account but ended up borrowing the rest from friends. I will have to pay back the friends and my son will owe me the money.
What he did most of us would consider wrong.
I am not considering banishing him from our lives. I also know he feels remorse but with this kid impulse decisions often get him in trouble. I don’t know how to stress with him that one of these days he might end up in serious trouble.</p>
<p>MOM60- it seems you have a great handle on things! I in a way disagreed with many of the above posters because I also believe a rule is a rule and when they are broken there are consequences- it doesn’t mean you take away love…it means there are consequences!! Grown-ups need to understand there is a difference. </p>
<p>As to the forgivenss that’s when you look back at your own life and see the mistakes you have made not only as a kid but as an adult…sometimes for me…once I remember how many times I have made bad choices, or hurt someone without wanting to, I find it easier to forgive. It’s okay to feel let down- but remember there will be more disappointments and many many more times he will make you proud. </p>
<p>Enjoy your holiday. (oh and by the way maybe just one break without the car…I think the rule is immediate and not too long lasting- however you are probably paying his insurance and his fine so maybe a job over the holidays is in line)</p>
<p>Personally, I think the fine is the natural consequence. He has to pay you back. End of story. He already knows he disappointed you and I don’t think you should do anything else.</p>
<p>The OP is asking for advice as on how to get over the disappointment in her son; not for advice on how to punish him.</p>
<p>OP, I think the only thing that will help you get over your disappointment in your son’s behavior is his own future good behavior. Disappointment is a natural feeling and you are entitled to feel it If he behaves himself in the future, you will get over your feeling, as long as you don’t keep dwelling on this one event.</p>
<p>Apply the Golden Rule. Ask yourself what you would want your child to do if you knew that your conduct was something he disapproved of and had disappointed him. </p>
<p>For instance, would you want him to view the incident where you disappointed him for only what it was and not generalize it into something larger? If so, then you take that approach.</p>
<p>If you would want him to not some how take the incident where you dissapointed him as something that reflected badly on him, then DON’T You start personalizing his incident.</p>
<p>If you would want him to talk out his feelings of disappointment in you and let it go, then that’s what you should do with your feelings of disappointment.</p>
<p>my .02. the fact that he was punished by someone OTHER than his parents is likely to have a big impact. That always seemed to be the case with my son. I could drone on and on like I was talking to a wall, but the minute another adult said “Yo dude, you messed up”, that knocked some sense (figuratively of course) into him.</p>