<p>I find it helps me parent to ask myself “what do I hope to accomplish”? And then “can I do anything that would make a difference?” </p>
<p>So in this case, I might say “I don’t want him to do X again” or “from this experience, he learns he can’t act on impulse…” or something like that. Then be really honest with myself about the likelihood my actions (e.g. words or consequences) are likely to actually create the change I hope. And also the extent to which my actions may also have some negative results too (e.g. my child not confiding in me in the future; creating conflict between us). Sometimes those negative results are very worth it (if it also means a positive change in behavior), other times not.</p>
<p>This sort of helps me avoid reacting out of my own impulse, or emotions, or ‘principle’ or some vague sort of ‘it feels right’.</p>
<p>Just an idea…opening back up the possibilty of him having access to the car over Spring Break may help you both. I always try to round out punishment but putting in place concrete steps to earn trust back. Could you set an amount he needs to pay you back each week? Something like that. </p>
<p>I have found that working towards a goal like that goes a long way in getting from hurt to healed.</p>
<p>My experience, having recently gone through a spell of disappointing behavior by DS, was this:</p>
<p>I got over the feeling of disappointment fairly quickly. I haven’t yet regained the feeling of trust. I can see good behavior, but I still have in the back of my mind that the good behavior might not be what it seems.</p>
<p>I wonder how withdrawing a privilege addresses the core issue of a child doing something which is against their family’s moral beliefs? I think that if a child does something we fundamentally cannot condone, the real issue is several fold. There is the typical ‘parental guilt’- what did I do wrong, what didn’t I teach my child. There is dealing with the genuine disappointment you feel in the child and the wonder, ‘do I really know this child?’. </p>
<p>Isn’t the real issue that you want to strengthen your child’s moral beliefs or their resolve to live within them? Isn’t the issue, what can I do to help my child to resist and make fundamentally good and safe and healthy choices? </p>
<p>HOw to get over the disappointment? There is only one thing you can do- share the disappointment with your child and ask if or how they need your help in making right. You won’t feel any less disappointment until they make right…somehow.</p>
<p>Mom60 –
I don’t have advice, but I have a question. You can answer it at a later date in this thread…if you just want to get through the current situation.</p>
<p>Did you ever consider not giving him the money (to pay back his friends)?</p>
<p>What would have happened if he hadn’t be able to pay the fine?</p>
<p>I am not suggesting that this is what you should have done, but…I have often wondered what I would do in a similar situation. I tell myself I would take the hard line (let him stay overnight in jail…or pay the consequences of not having the money for a fine), but I don’t know if I would follow through if/when the time actually comes (I hope it doesn’t…but…with one S, I’m never sure!)</p>
<p>I didn’t read all the posts but enough to get the gist. It seems to me that knowing you and his father are disappointed in him may be enough punishment.<br>
I would sit down with him when the emotions have settled down a bit and let him know that you are disappointed and that you wish he would exercise better impulse control.
I bet he is disappointed in himself too.</p>
<p>OP, are you only disappointed or are you worried about the future? I can sympathize as I went through similar circumstances with my elder daughter 2 years ago. It turned out that her behavior was only a symptom of a major breakdown which lasted more than 18 months. You must be asking yourself whether you will be able to trust him in the near future and what would happen if he did it again. My advice would be to use the winter break to delve deeper into his motivations, expressing your concern for his atypical behavior rather than expressing disappointment. The fact that he waited until the last minute before calling you for help indicates imo that he was scared and ashamed to admit he couldn’t cope with the situation. This may be a one-time only mistake or the tip of the iceberg.</p>
<p>I always found a sharp backhand across the mouth worked wonders. Actually, I think your response was proportionate and wouldn’t change a thing. As one poster suggested, you might parole the spring break part of the punishment for good behavior between now and then.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone. Lots of great things to think about. I am grateful he is not yet home. The week is giving me time to process what I want to say to him. I am thinking “Say what I mean, Mean what I say but don’t say it MEAN”.
As I said in a previous thread. Moral was probably the wrong term to use. He broke a law but the police were not called. The institution involved gave him an option of paying a fine and they would not press any charges. We briefly thought of not giving him the money but after some thought decided this was the best option. We have been clear with him for any action that is the result of drug or alcohol use we will let him sit in jail.</p>
<p>He is actually a sweet and caring kid. But he has ADD and he has in the past gotten himself into trouble for not thinking. For example- Riding his bike at 5 am in the skateboard park. There were clear rules that was not allowed. He had known others to get ticketed, plus been warned by police and us. He continued to do it anyway. His rational is that I like doing it and it is a stupid rule since I am not doing it when any skateboarders are present. For that he paid a fine and had community service. Riding his bike on private property and jumping off loading ramps. Spray painting on a old cement abandoned wall that is a known place that you are “allowed” to do it. When he was little hammering our driveway till the asphalt crumbled. Taking a sled and riding down a neighbors ice plant hill. These are just a few examples of the type of personality I am dealing with.
The taking away of the car is the consequence given out by his Dad. My son is a good driver but has been known to drive to fast. My husband feels that the recent act sends us the message that my son is not showing good judgement and driving takes good judgement. Also driving in our house is not a right. We pay for the insurance and at this point my son has no money for gas.
I am thinking we need to ask my son if he can come up with some legal and safe ways to satisfy his need for an adreneline rush.</p>
<p>mom60, good clear thinking! How about things like rock climbing, ziplining, going to the gym with a buddy, etc? I have definitely found that physical exercise of some sort helps.</p>
<p>I have dyspraxia and ADD has overlapping processing issues.
I don’t think it is a moral lapse- now that you have given more explanation, I think it is more of a processing concern.</p>
<p>controlled risk helps alot & I agree also about importance of physcial exercise- and I know it is hard to come to terms with behaviors that are much younger than the age and intellect would suggest.</p>
<p>I missed if you asked him- what he thought the punishment should be- I would agree in this case- if he doesn’t think there should be any punishment- and doesn’t come up with anything on his own, that it is reasonable to explain that you are concerned with his difficulty to realize that there are consequences, for physical actions and that not realizing that , could be very dangerous when driving.</p>
<p>If he is working, I would suggest, that he help pay for a defensive driving course, in order to more fully ingrain, appropriate responses on the road- if not, I would pay for it myself, but require it before he could have full use of the car. Not really as a punishment, but as a precaution and just additional experience and information.
People with ADD, like myself,need additional ways/time to process, and while that comes with age, young adults with ADHD, often are behind their peers in driving ability- decision making wise.
At least that has been true with my own kids- who are a little tempered in terms of risk taking ,as they are girls, but it still exists.</p>
<p>Sounds like a legal problem followed by disappointment at how he handled it- waiting until the last minute to involve you changed your ability to deal with the situation as you would have wanted to. Losing priveleges at home seems reasonable since his decision directly involved you. You could point out the money you had to spend on his error at school affects the money you are willing to spend on him at home, ie it costs you money to let him use your car. Sounds like he needs to learn the consequences of his actions, including the not obvious ones such as their impact on others. By making him lose priveleges at home this winter you are reinforcing that you were, at best, inconvenienced by his actions and that he pays for it, regardless of his intentions. Maybe this incident, with your added consequences will help him think through things in the future. Not doing anything will give him tacit permission to continue to presume his parents will always bail him out of trouble without regard to the impact on you.</p>
<p>Addenda- crossposted with OP. Thanks for clarification- makes the “punishment fitting the crime” even more logical. I’m keeping my post intact as it may be useful/helpful for others to get an opinion based on a more generic/abstract interpretattion.</p>
<p>Well. This resonates because a longtime friend of my D’s recently did something very wrong (illegal) and definitely not in line with her family’s values or our community’s.</p>
<p>The bottom line is that I was not a perfect teenager and there were bumps along the road. I turned out okay. You helped your son make it right by loaning him the money and it is now his task to repay you.</p>
<p>At a certain point, you need to forgive and move on and realize that we all make mistakes.</p>
<p>You seem to be handling this well. My only suggestion would be that he be told clearly and firmly that this is the one and only time you will be paying fines for him, even with him paying you back. Next time - he breaks it, he bought it. If he doesn’t think ahead, he will have to live with the consequences and figure it out by himself.</p>
<p>One of my kids did something 2 years ago that went totally against our moral code and the values we had imparted to our kids. (No one was hurt, and it was not a criminal thing). We were devastated, and it was hard to find that balance of being sure the teenager understood both how disappointed we were, but that we still loved them regardless. It’s a hard balancing act to find.</p>