When your child relocates far away

Parent Cafe
1

<p>S informed us today he will be accepting a job offer in Europe and has applied for residency in the relevant country. </p>

<p>I’m happy for him but simultaneously wondering how other parents have faced the situation where a child has decided to work and live far, far away. Doesn’t matter if they are outside the US, on the other side of the country, or in an inconveniently distant location – the determining factor is that it takes planning, time, and money to be in the same space, face-to-face at the same time. </p>

<p>If you have a child living a major distance away, how often do you see him or her? Who tends to travel to see whom? What internet tools do you use to keep in touch?</p>

2

<p>Wow, applied for residency? Has he spent much time in that country to decide he wants to live there? Our S has accepted a job 5000 miles from our home in DC. Seeing him DOES take planning, but so far, he’s only been there since June and we’ve seen him at both Thanksgiving – we all met in SF – and Christmas (he flew to HI for 9 days). I’ll be going to DC in March, so will be seeing him in a few more weeks. He flies to LA monthly, so gets to see his sister who is in school there. We will likely see him more after H retires & we have more flexibility in our schedules. So far, fortunately, many of my trips have been paid for since they were for business.
D is attending school 2500 miles from our home. She has always come home for Christmas and summer vacations, but I am able to stop & visit her in LA several times/year.</p>

<p>We have friends whose D went to UK for an exchange program, ended up getting her degree & marrying a wonderful man from there. She lived in the UK for about 5 years or so & now they’re re-settling here. They came for several visits–generally about once/year and her folks came for visits and his folks came for visits. They all used Skype and facebook to keep in touch.</p>

<p>We just call the kids by phone, text & email to keep in touch.</p>

3

<p>Did this come out of the blue, NurEins? Ouch. Our older s moved across country and it happened very quickly (an opportunity came along andiwthin a month or so he was gone :frowning: ) but he is happy, so we adjust. We are going to visit next month. The biggest issue is remembering the time difference when calling or texting…
Good luck!!</p>

4

<p>The daughter of a guy I used to work with did study abroad in New Zealand, and ended up going back to marry a guy she met there–can’t get much farther than that. I think he and his wife visit once a year for an extended time–has grandkids there now. He does get a bit wistful talking about them ,but at the same time he loves visiting and is very proud of her and her family. (not sure if he does skype-type stuff; he’s very non-adept on computers.)</p>

5

<p>One of my kids has lived and worked in China since she graduated four years ago. She has come home every Christmas and three of the years she was able to come for another trip mid-year. I’ve been out to see her there twice and her dad sees her more frequently on business trips. We email and use facebook but rarely Skype because the internet in her apt. is spotty and with the time difference, the times she’s home aren’t the best for me. She has incredibly cheap international phone rates so mostly she calls me and we talk for ages - really, sometimes for 45 minutes at a time. I talk to her more than my kid who lives 10 miles away. We also have an app on our Iphones called What’s App that allows us to text message via the internet so no phone charges apply. </p>

<p>So we’re in pretty close contact and I still miss her very much.</p>

6

<p>Gosh, you guys are wonderful, letting your kids go so far away. We are having a battle with grandpa right now, as son wants to do an internship in another state (no opportunities locally) and grandpa wants him to just get a job as a bagger at a local grocery store so he won’t be far away. He’s going to be 20 in March, for goodness sake’s! I think if we told grandpa son was going to New Zealand for a job, we’d have to get the smelling salts out! Mom would be thrilled. Any excuse to travel!</p>

7

<p>Our son moved to LA early last year and have managed to get together with him only once for a week last week. He prefers to spread his vacation time around visiting us, friends and going to a GDC conference which his company pays for but does not give time off for. When my wife and I were in our early careers we only saw our immediate family once or twice a year too so we have nothing to complain about and are thankful that he is getting a great career start from the getgo.</p>

8

<p>My D3 lived in Singapore for 2 years. For most of the year it was a 12 hour time difference. It did make communicating a bit difficult. We used skype a lot. It was fun to have her walk around her apartment with skype camera so we could see where she lived. (The view out of her 27th floor windows was spectacular.) DH & I went to see her once while she was there, and my husband made a second trip there for business. She came home several times in the two years, so it wasn’t dreadful.</p>

<p>We emailed a lot. That was good. What was also good was having a blackberry. My husband had one for work, and she got one when she got over there. They were able to message back and forth for free. We go out for breakfast every Sunday morning, so it was Sunday evening there. We would “chat” with her during breakfast. That was fun.</p>

<p>She is now in NYC, and sometimes it seems as if we heard from her more when she was in Singapore. She is having a great, busy time in NYC. She would like to live in London in the future. I hope she does because I would love to go back.</p>

9

<p>S has lived in Europe since he finished UG in 2003. Until this year we saw him at least 2x/year, alternating between our going, his coming. Last July he married a native of that country, and both were transferred to another city working for their respective companies. He has much more responsibility than before, so I don’t think we’ll see them until next holiday season. I spent the entire summer with them, though.</p>

<p>D has been 1200 miles away going on 5 years. We’ll know in 2 months what the next years will bring. Her Plan A will bring her back to the Midwest, her Plan B will put her with her brother. One year ago, those two plans were reversed.</p>

10

<p>I am bracing myself for this dilemma, since S (in his last semester in college) will most likely return to Istanbul after graduation, after having spent his entire junior year there. I totally understand the draw of the city for him and he has a fairly viable plan for how to support himself, but it is SO far away (we are in NY.) Selfishly, I wish we could come up with a compromise between his living in his room here in the house (too close) and living some 7000 miles away (too far.) When he was there last year, he came home once and we visited once. Oddly enough, we skyped more frequently when he was in Turkey than when he is at school, only 2 hours from home.</p>

11

<p>We live on West Coast, D1 lives in the Midwest. She’s still at the age where she wouldn’t dream of NOT coming home for Christmas. This year, she actually made another trip out to the West Coast.</p>

<p>H used to travel to the Midwest once a month, so he would see her monthly and have dinner. But he doesn’t travel much anymore, :(.</p>

<p>I think she is ready to leave the Midwest for one of the coasts. I can only hope she has the opportunity to relocate to the West Coast and NOT the East Coast.</p>

12

<p>One of my friends son is in Australia with a girlfriend in South America. He doesn’t get to see him very often. He has gone down there to spend a week with him but that’s costly. My personal opinion - it’s tough but it gives the kids a chance to spread their wings and grow.</p>

13

<p>

I don’t “let” my adult children do anything. I offer advice if asked, otherwise it’s their decisions to make. </p>

<p>I moved overseas when I got married. Only now do I appreciate how hard that was on my parents. But they never uttered one word of of complaint. And that was before internet, texting, skype and the wonderful methods of communication we have now. I did, however, come back and live within an hour of them 8 years later and haven’t left since. Were my children to move far away I would be heartbroken, but it’s their lives.</p>

14

<p>Thanks, everyone, for your thoughtful replies; the variety of countries represented here is amazing, and all the outcomes seem uniformly good. You’ve given me many ideas to check out, including Skpe, which I’ve never used but will certainly investigate. Google’s Voice and Video Chat seems to be free world-wide (although Voice is not), so that might be an option as well.</p>

<p>Son had told us about three months ago that he might be offered this position (so the news didn’t come totally out of the blue, Jym), but the reality of all the intervening distance is beginning to sink in. Those of you who who can combine business travel with a visit are very fortunate! Most probably when we go to see him it will be vacation travel for us, which, come to think of it, is a pretty nice prospect. I’ve never been to Europe, so this will give me a chance to spread my wings a bit too.</p>

<p>Thanks again!</p>

15

<p>DS lives about 2500 miles from us. I’m actually visiting him…right now. He comes to our house twice a year and this year both DH and I have visited him here at separate times. We miss him a LOT but that is the way it is.</p>

<p>DD is about 9,000miles away right now, and we saw her for the first time in over a year last month. We definitely won’t see her again until December.</p>

<p>Skype is great…and email.</p>

16

<p>My folks never complained when all but one of us kids went to grad schools 2500 to 5000 miles from home. Back then, the ONLY time any of us would come back was for summers. Mom wrote daily very, very long missives to each of us. They never called (considered phones way too expensive) and didn’t like us to “waste our money” calling them either. We were away for anywhere from 2 to 6+ years and two of us bought homes & seemed quite settled in our new cities. Somehow, we all made it back to within 15 miles of mom & dad, where we have all finally settled with our spouses & raised our families.</p>

<p>Life is full of surprises! It seems far better to embrace them than to try to hold on to our loved ones too tightly. We HOPE that the kids WILL eventually return back to HI, as both have indicated they really want to do. Will see how the future plays out with great interest.</p>

<p>Good to hear there are free texting options for overseas. Will have to look into that if either child ends up leaving the US for any reason. We never felt it was OUR choice as to where our kids ended up, rather it was our job to support our KID’S DECISIONS and let them know about things we thought they should consider in making their choices.</p>

17

<p>My son, who is 25, has been living in California for three and a half years now. My husband and I live on the East Coast.</p>

<p>It’s difficult to keep in touch. We only see each other in person about once a year. When something important or unusual happens in his life (or ours), we communicate a great deal by telephone and e-mail. But when things are more routine, we tend not to – and this means that the next time an unusual event occurs, we don’t have the background information to understand it fully and help each other out.</p>

<p>I try to initiate e-mail conversations with him on topics of mutual interest from time to time, but he’s busy, and it’s not reasonable to expect him to just chat about nothing in particular.</p>

<p>Sometimes, I feel as though we have really lost each other. Of course, this is what happens when kids grow up. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.</p>

<p>My other child, who is 22, happens to live about an hour away from me, and will probably continue to live there for another two years or so. (She is currently working during that interim period that comes between a bachelor’s degree and an MBA program.) We usually see each other about once a month, and on those occasions, she often shares interesting details about her life. I treasure these years. They were an unexpected gift. No one thought that she would end up working and living so close to home. This time will be over all too soon, and then it’s likely that I will have no more contact with her than with her brother.</p>

18

<p>Both of my parents are immigrants. Came over in the 1950’s. Mom got to go back and visit her parents about every 5 years. Dad brought his mom (my Oma) with him when he came to the states. He was not able to revisit his homeland, and thus his brother (his dad died before he emigrated) until 1972. Oma never did see her other son again. :(</p>

<p>I grew up without cousins, aunts, uncles and all the associated fun, drama, holiday craziness and sense of warmth. Fast forward…married a man who has 6 sibs. All in the area…masses of nieces and nephews…second cousins…great this and that…The first time I visited his folks house on Christmas morning I thought they had invited an entire orphanage! Nope, just the first level relatives. Having lived with no nearby extended family (just met dad’s side for the first time ever this past summer) and compared it to the childhood of my husband…I hope with all my heart that we are able to stay in some sort of reasonable proximity to DS and DD.</p>

<p>I can’t imagine not having Grandparents to fall back on during DS and DD childhood. DD is at a school 3 hrs away. She did not want to leave the state and I have a strong feeling will likely remain in the area. DS…looking as schools all across the country and Canada. I would never express any sentiment which could be construed as holding him back or discouraging any great opportunity. However, I do wonder if attending college very far from home more often than not results in the later settling very far from that base.</p>

<p>Obviously it is the right and only thing to let them go…it is their life. However, having seen both sides, I see so very many benefits to maintaining ‘the village’ when it comes to proximity to extended family.</p>

19

<p>One of ours has been in Europe for going on three years, we have not been to visit, instead we pay for her to come home at Christmas and a summer trip, if she can make it happen. We think the the money is better invested bring her home more often so she can connect with friends, family & colleagues in the US than for us to visit her, given the funds are limited.</p>

<p>So far no European romance, though we have discussed the possibility. She plans to come back to North America in a few years. Yes, we miss her dearly, but she is having a grand adventure and accomplishing goals. How could I do anything other than encourage her. Once she comes back here, I imagine life may settle down and not provide opportunities to go all over, so I say do it when the opportunity presents.</p>

<p>We have Skyped, but mostly we email & facebook. We have a Vonage phone for a landline and it is free to call her on her landline, so we can talk for hours when it works out. In reality we go weeks without talking much, then we have weeks were it is frequent, we just go with the flow and put no pressure on her to perform, just cheer on her adventures.</p>

20

<p>dietz, I grew up far from family, in a city where we most were immigrants other parts of the county, and my dad was from another country as well. My family, for generations has lived far from extended family. My kids grew up with family all over the world. Now that I live in the more traditional Midwest, I have a sense of what has been lost, and what my kids missed. But there are freedoms of expression and lifestyle gained as well, so not all bad. </p>

<p>Given this history, as well as my kids now having parents that live half a continent apart, I’m resigned to living far from them, for the most part. </p>

<p>My S has been in China for 3 of his four years out of college, and plans to return post grad school. Ds are applying to work in Europe next year. </p>

<p>Part of the lesson I learned from my dad, who visited his home and mother in Britain most years after a point, is to keep the lifestyle simple enough to prioritize travel. Keep the house simple, the car economical, so you can afford to visit. Encourage longer visits. My brother has come from Australia with his family, and taken up residence for a few weeks, which has been wonderful, as were those longer visits with cousins when I was a kid. My dad always said guests and fish stink after 3 days, so moved on quickly, and it seemed he never was more than a guest. </p>

<p>Marian, unfortunately I find with mine, and have been told directly, that email has become passe. They share a few details, but are more into brief one liners on FB, unless a phone call or gchat is possible, and then I get more detail. Encourage them to blog, as that gets the detail out to everyone, and the details enliven conversations.</p>