Ugh. I know this is such a brutal process. After completing tons of applications, we lucked out and got in ED1. My child has a couple of whip smart friends with top notch stats who have great acceptances but also keep getting WL or Denied at their top choices (which are super super competitive). I spoke to one of the moms multiple times yesterday and know she’s nervous. I’m guessing today’s answer was a “no” because I haven’t heard from her. Should I reach out to offer support? I mean on the one hand it’s really her perogative to let me know the decision or not and it’s none of my business unless she reaches out. But we spoke about it extensively yesterday and I’m guessing she didn’t get in and is upset. Is a text from me appropriate to offer support or do I just sit tight and wait to hear from her. Many more decisions expected over the next week. All unlikely just because of low acceptance rates, though her child is well qualified for any school. Sit tight and shut up or send a supportive text? WWYD?
Personally I would sit tight and wait to hear from the friend.
I would let the family take the lead on this. If this parent wants to talk, they will contact you.
One more vote for let her contact you.
Given that she’s a good friend and our lengthy and multiple conversations yesterday, I’m regretting that I didn’t ask her yesterday whether she wanted to hear from me today or for me to wait to hear from her. I have one other very good friend who will be in the same boat next week. I’m not going to bring anything up myself but if she brings up college anytime before Ivy day, I’m going to ask her directly if she wants to hear from me or wait next week. I think for anyone else (these are two of my best friends) the choice to wait would be clear. But in this case I feel like I messed up by not clarifying in advance.
I don’t think you messed up at all. These parents likely have no idea how they will feel…or IF they want to chat with someone if their student does not get accepted. This can hit people in different ways.
I would vote for sending her a very short text (as long as it has been several hours since the decision) to let her know that you are thinking of her and her son during this stressful time. He is a rockstar and she is an amazing parent.
@coffeeat3 thank you. Your message actually made me tear up. I can’t believe how stressful this is even for someone on the sidelines. She is my dear friend. I sent a text just now saying exactly what you recommended. I don’t know if it was the right thing or not but we are close and I know that she will know my heart is in the right place. This sucks.
You are not fishing or being nosy - or being competitive. your post made it very clear she is one of your best friends and if it was me, i’d want to know that my friends were thinking of me and my child -ready to support and celebrate too.
@coffeeat3 just came back to say you are brilliantly eloquent. It was just the right thing. I feel better. Thanks.
well
that made me laugh - but thank you 
Too late now, but I would’ve advised holding back for several days. My best friend from high school and I had been communicating how great it would be for our sons to attend the same school together. He was actually way more confident that his son would get in then I was about mine. You can guess the result as mine got in and his got WL. I reached out with the good news and could tell in his response that he didn’t really want to talk about it much - even with words of encouragement. Maybe its different personalities, but reflecting on if the situations were switched, I’d probably have felt the same way. It was too soon and too raw.
My friend was grateful to hear from me. I do think it mattered that she is such a good friend. And the message I got above was exactly the right message for her. That’s why I’m so grateful to @coffeeat3 for helping me figure out what to say. So it all worked out.
ETA I also think it’s different that you were calling with your own good news. I didn’t have any news to share…just support for my friend.
I think it’s different when your kids have both been waiting for news from the same school. No matter how much you want to be supportive, it’s a little fraught to receive support from someone whose kid just got the offer that yours didn’t. Whereas the OP’s kid was done after the ED cycle, so there’s not a simultaneous good news/bad news dynamic here.
I went through this with my sister, her kids applied to many reaches (full pay with no financial restraints, can easily pay anywhere), I just waited for her to let me know (and we are very close). One more kid to go. There was never any competition, my kids chased merit so had a ton of acceptances (but not all were affordable).
This is why I have always been a big fan of not telling anyone where you applied until you get responses. It avoids the unpleasant conversations.
@Eeyore123 I am so glad you posted this. We suggested to our kids that they not discuss their applications or admissions until they made a final decision…with friends or family. Each had a trusted mentor/teacher who knew what was up, and of course, we did. But we didn’t discuss college admissions or applications. We politely said “we are so looking forward to that matriculation decision and will let you know then”.
@Eeyore123 I can definitely understand your perspective. For me, this past year of applications has been so time consuming and stressful I feel like I really wanted and needed the support of my friends going through the same thing. Even beyond my circle of closest friends, I feel like I got some comfort just discussing what we were going through with the others senior moms I see around. But I can definitely see how discussing it with others can lead to awkward conversations too.
Guess you were wrong in this case. She was so grateful to hear from me. She had reached out to me multiple times the day before to discuss her fears. For some of us, that’s what friends do. It’s fine if you and your friends are different than that. But how dare you call me passive aggressive and claim a “guise” of support. That’s you, not me.