When your parent breaks your heart

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I just got off the phone with my 82 year old parent. I thought I understood her–her three failed marriages, her loneliness, her selfishness, her near clinical narcissism, her possessiveness, her ability to dismiss my feelings, and everyone else’s but her own. I thought I’d gotten over expecting her to be a caring human being, years ago having stopped expecting her to be a mom. But she can still surprise me.</p>

<p>My husband’s second cousin is in the hospital with pneumonia. He only has one lung, due to cancer years ago. The prognosis doesn’t look good.
This weekend my H and I have planned to give his mom a luncheon for her 90th birthday party at a lovely resort. We’ve planned this for awhile. Relatives are coming from all over the country for the event. The cousin in the hospital is a very important member of this group- a husband,a father and a grandfather to some of the guests.</p>

<pre><code>If this cousin takes a turn for the worse, or doesn’t make it past the weekend, we will
</code></pre>

<p>cancel the event. I was telling my mom that this is a possibility so she wouldn’t be surprised and is aware of all the factors. “Oh, of course, " was her response. " His family will want to be with him.” Surprised by her concern and understanding, I wasn’t ready for her next comment.</p>

<p>With a little laugh, she said, “Then you and I can go to lunch!”</p>

<p>Stunned, I said, “Mom, they are my family, too.”
“But I’m your family,” she said.
“Why wouldn’t you want to be there, too?” I asked.
Silence.</p>

<p>If this were a one-time insensitive remark made thoughtlessly, I could understand.
Unfortunately it’s completely in character- just a bit more blatant than usual.
No one counts in her world but herself and sometimes me, if I’m being cooperative.</p>

<p>Still reeling. I’m sure many people have self-centered parents, and just deal with it. I’d be happy to hear your stories. I’m just amazed that after 40 years of my marriage my mom doesn’t accept that my H’s family might matter to me, or realize how much it might hurt me for her to care so little about my feelings that she has no clue. </p>

<p>All done now. Feel better. Thanks for “listening.”</p>

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<p>My mom is 90, frail in body but totally there mentally. I think at this stage of life you become childlike again .Sometimes I too , am amazed at what my mom says .For example : a new caregiver was told " I don’t like you- you’re fat and you’re black !! " I really can’t be totally relaxed with my mom any more . I never know what she will say to anybody !! It’s kind of like being with a three year old again . Just be prepared mentally for outbursts like these ,and enjoy the good times . Good luck !!</p>

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<p>Just be thankful for the lucid times! While visiting a friend at a nursing home this afternoon, she began screaming at me, demanding, “Take the beans I made to my brother’s house! And don’t forget to put a cover on them!” [pretend to take beans upon my immediate exit]</p>

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<p>My father-in-law is 90 and has long lost his ability to self sensor. At the bank the other day, he asked the lovely young lady that was helping him if she was from Cuba. She replied, no, she was from the Domincan Republic. His response, that’s just as bad. I mean, what do you say to that! My brother-in-law apologized profusely, but felt so bad for that poor young lady.</p>

<p>Those that work with the elderly on a regular basis are used to it. The rest of us just shake our heads in dismay.</p>

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<p>Sometimes, you just have to let it go and recognize that they will not change in the ways you hope they might. We really can only change ourselves and how much we let ourselves get upset/concerned about them. In this instance, it sounds like it was a good thing that at least she didn’t make a huge fuss about the possibility of the event being canceled due to the iffy health of one of the guests. Sometimes we can be more comfortable & less hurt if we reduce our expectations about what we expect from loved ones. (I know, easier said than done.)</p>

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<p>My mom is completely self centered and always has been. When I was a child I was told frequently that I came second after her and my dad’s marriage. You can certainly feel that way but spelling it out to a 9 year old seems cruel. When my first baby died she would call me up and tell me how she could understand other people’s losses after what she had been through losing a grandchild. She wouldn’t look at my engagement ring, but told my sister it was “too large and vulgar”. I bought her a Nook, it should have been a Kindle. I took my parents on a cruise, the cabin wasn’t good enough. The first time I hosted Christmas she acted horrible all day, literally pushing her dinner away and announcing I can’t eat any of this, it’s horrible! She then announced she was taking Christmas back next year. The list goes on and on. We just got back from vacation and when I called to say we were home and asked about the time a cruise she had taken had stopped in Virgin Gorda, she did her little laugh and said “Virgin Gorda, been there done that, next”. If it isn’t about her she isn’t interested. My sisters and I know the quickest way to end a phone call with her is to use the word I. I feel like I have to sneak around to see my in-laws or my best friend! All I can say is I am 47 years old and it still hurts! Luckily she adores my son, still selfish about it, but he calls her to “take the heat off you, mom”.</p>

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<p>I come from a large family and as I become older it becomes very clear to me that I am my mother’s least favorite child. This spring she took (and paid the whole shot) three of my sisters to Hawaii for ten days because “they were all tired of the cold!” ( I live in Iowa, they all live in California or Florida). As if that was not bad enough she told me straight up “We thought about asking you, but it just seemed too inconvient.” I have never given her a present that she has not said something like “Oh, your sister gave me a much better, bigger, nicer, prettier one” even if that is not true. I used to think that she did this to all my sisters, but as I age I have come to know that she doesn’t do it to anyone but me. Another one of her favorite tricks is to tell me “This year for Christmas I decided I am only giving beautiful things! I bought your sister a angora sweater the color of the sky, I got your other sister a matched set of pearls, I got sister three an antique Russian mirror.” Christmas morning I open my present – an iron. “I thought you could use it.” I OWN ONE!!!</p>

<p>I have come to accept it, live with it and make sure that I love both of my boys for the happy, unique individuals that they are, but at 54 it still hurts.</p>

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<p>No matter how old you are, you never get use to the hurtful behavior and the narcissism. But at the end of the day, you have to realize it’s about her inability to connect with others, not yours. I have a similar issue with my father, and although I have learned some coping skills (through many years of counseling) it can still hurt and put me in a funk. Some people just lack empathy and the ability to see beyond themselves. And some people are deliberately cruel. It really sucks but the one positive thing about it is I think it has made me a better parent to my son.</p>

<p>Hugs…you are not alone.</p>

9

<p>Ahhhh moms. I do not get along well with my mom. Never have. I could never please her. And as I worked to do so, my successes were met with snide remarks. I often thought she was jealous of my intelligence and ultimate successes. God love my dad, who no longer apologizes for her and her remarks or behavior. He does not have to, as we understand. He is a saint. They have been married nearly 60 years. I do not know how he has lasted. She does love him, and does not treat him (or her favorite daughters) that way. </p>

<p>So many hurtful remarks. The most recent stinging one was a few years ago when she commented to my oldest D (about 17 at the time?) that she COULD NOT BELIEVE that my husband and my marriage had LASTED THIS LONG. We were at 27 years and counting. And yes this is my D’s dad… She never liked my husband. I think that was motivation enough to MAKE IT LAST… hahaha. To say that to her granddaughter. She must have thought that my D and I were not close. This could not be further from the truth, and so D promptly reported her comment to me. Thankfully, I learned so much from my mom on HOW NOT TO PARENT. I am a much better parent because of her.</p>

<p>By the time that comment arrived, I just laughed it off. My D knew that my mom and I had issues. From that day forward D understood that the issues were my mom’s.</p>

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<p>LOLOLU</p>

<p>Your mom and my mom MUST BE TWINS. Christmas is always a tough time for me FOR THIS VERY REASON. I am one of four Daughters. I get the same treatment. My kids have even commented for years about grandma’s preferential treatment. </p>

<p>One day, when D2 was about 10, she blurted out loud in a very innocent way “Why does Grandma love XYZ so much more than you mom?” in front of my sister. A few years before, she asked me if Grandma loved her cousins more than her and her sister because they were adopted. My own children were no more than 4 or 5 when they picked up on what was going on. Eventually, because my girls are adopted, I had to tell them head on that it had nothing to do with their being adopted, it was that Grandma did not love me as much as my sisters.</p>

<p>This past Christmas, I got a woven shawl that was nearly identical (except in color) to one that one of my sister’s got. I was amazed, until i held it up and it had this HUGE BIG RUN going down the length of it. It was so big that, once I realized it, I held it up for everyone to see, but pretended I did not see this huge gaping run. But I could see the expressions on other faces. Ok, maybe I did not need to hold it up. But I did. And then I brought it home and threw it away. I am tough, but at 55 it still does hurt.</p>

<p>Here is the good news. I don’t have to worry about being the caregiver to my mom if she ever needs it. Despite the fact I am an MD, it has become quite clear that she will want only my sisters to have that role. OK WITH ME.</p>

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<p>i work with the elderly and as much as you try to get used to it you never really do. Comments like that sting and they just ruin your whole day. Sorry you are having to go through that.</p>

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<p>^^^ It’s not just about them being elderly, my mother has been like this my whole life. It just took me a while to come to understand the truth. But like others have said, I think I am a better parent for it. </p>

<p>Sunny, I have had the same discussion with my boys – it is not that grandma doesn’t love them, it is that she loves me less.</p>

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<p>lololu, I have learned in gerontology class that people don’t typically get that attitude at their elderly age. they usually develop it early and keep it forever. But with dealing with the elderly every day, it really is eye opening because your whole life you are raised to respect your elders. It’s hard to respect someone when they are talking down at you and calling you names. I didn’t know anyone that had that attitude until I got to work and became exposed to it. Maybe I was naive but nobody in my home town was like that. Small town I guess, haha!</p>

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<p>Just when you think you have heard it all, there’s more. An iron for christmas! A shawl with a run in it! Why didn’t she put coal in your stocking too? The one time I got a gift that was pretty much the same as my SIL, mine had a lipstick stain on it. I did wash it though and it came out. I hate that sweater. It was from MIL, but my own mom had her doozies too.</p>

<p>I always thought that one of my grandmothers liked her daughter’s children the best. I must have been 5 at the time.</p>

<p>We must try to do better ourselves, and know that you are better than that.</p>

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<p>Yep. It helps to hear that some of you have it as bad (or worse–lolou!) I have no expectations, actually. And it’s not about age- she’s always been this way. It just that her behavior makes it very hard to love her. I’m not even sure that I do, anymore, and that’s pretty sad.</p>

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<p>I must say that my sisters are not that way at all and in fact two of them acknowledge the way my mother treats me. We have all come to understand that there is not much we can do at this point to change my mother, but it helps a lot that they are aware of it.</p>

<p>I also want to say that I don’t think my mother doesn’t love me, she just loves me less, or in a different way than she loves my sisters. I am number six of seven girls and I think in many ways I was always the one who she could lose in the shuffle. I think she justifies her behavior to herself by thinking “Oh, lololu is the resilent one, she will understand.”</p>

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<p>lolo, maybe you should have told her now that she got you an iron you expect her to come iron all your clothes for you. :)</p>

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<p>Funny thing is, I work in place where jeans and a t-shirt are pretty much the standard uniform. I use an iron about once a week, usually to go out to dinner!</p>

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<p>Good heavens, some of you have been through it.</p>

<p>My mother was a real pain, and even in her final weeks she was just awful. The last time my daughter visited her in the hospital before her death, my mom spewed something really nasty to her as a ‘greeting’. My kid replied “Well hello to you too, grandma.” I didn’t correct or apologize for my daughter’s disrespect. I figured mom deserved some honest feedback. My daughter did not deserve that treatment, and it makes me sad that this is her final memory of her grandmother, but she understands some things better now.</p>

<p>Sending some good thoughts for your husband’s second cousin.</p>

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<p>This. My mother passed away 5 years ago, but she was always difficult. I’m an only child, and while she loved me fiercely, she thought that telling me everything that was wrong with me and how I lived my life was the best way to show it. I vowed from an early age to be a completely different kind of parent. I had a much better role model for this in my father, a wonderful man who gave me the unconditional love that my mother couldn’t. I miss him a lot.</p>