<p>As some of you know, I have had a few things to say about my MIL (and deceased FIL). Yes, to all of you: Yes, these dreadful people are old. Yes, the sensors are turned low or off…But they are only saying the things that they didn’t say or do when they were younger. My mother said, “If there is something that you don’t like about someone’s character, Don’t think that it will change for the better as they grow older. Don’t think that you can change them. People are who they are.”</p>
<p>My FIL was happy when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. He told everyone, “Maybe this will get her out of the family. She’ll die.” (My MIL told me this.)</p>
<p>Just know, it’s not you…it’s them. And they are awful people. Their hatred doesn’t go unnoticed. Your children see it. Most kids are protective of their parents. My kids remember the insults, those that were directed toward me, us, or them. </p>
<p>I think my son said it best to his youngest sister (who doesn’t remember my parents), “Your grandparents died when you were three. X and X are just strangers who happen by on occasion.”</p>
<p>ellebud – Buy a red dress…one of these days, you’ll need it for some funerals…</p>
<p>As for the unequal Xmas present, yes, it hurts but you can always hold it up and say ‘Yep, another "okay, gotta be going now."winner!’ </p>
<p>My mom and I were out one day and someone passed by with an older child in a stroller, possibly with spina bifida or other impairment. My mother said, “You know, if you’d been like that, I’d have left you on a doorstep.” Gee, nothing like unconditional love there, eh? </p>
<p>You’ve got to take them as they are, I guess, and never be afraid to say, I’m outta here.</p>
<p>If my FIL had said that about me, I probably would have beaten him to a pulp. I certainly would have cut off all contact with me and my family, forever. Or if my parents said that about my DW, same thing.</p>
<p>I think Ellebud is a better person than me. Much better.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, sometimes they’ve been saying and doing for many, many years. </p>
<p>One anecdote: an elderly relative has, for decades, been difficult in restaurants, storming out or complaining loudly when the food/service/ambience/whatever didn’t meet the relative’s preferences. The last straw came last year when said relative invited D1 and D2 out for lunch. The D’s consulted with me–they hate most of the restaurants that this relative chooses, but they wanted to be polite. I suggested that they ask the relative if they could go to any one of three restaurants. Two were restaurants that the relative AND the D’s like, and one was a restaurant that the D’s love but the relative hates.</p>
<p>Of course, the relative chose the hated restaurant. Heaven only knows why.</p>
<p>The meal was a disaster. The Ds were utterly mortified by how the relative insulted the waiter, grumped about the food, sulked, and then stormed out without leaving a tip. They’ll never go out to another meal with this relative without us the parents, because we can stand up and say “this is unacceptable, so we are leaving now.” </p>
<p>Guess what restaurant we’re going to have cater this relative’s eventual funeral? :D</p>
<p>Well…thanks for giving me a reason to go see my mom and give her a big hug and a kiss. While she is not perfect, she has never once criticized me in any way. Having said that, just about everyone else in my family of origin is difficult. I have found that, while it’s true that people don’t change much as they grow older, you CAN effect their actions and words by taking control of your own responses. Why let them get away with this stuff? Call them on it. I’m not suggesting that you start an argument but repeat back to them what they said or say “why would you say that?” Obnoxious people are rarely confronted. This lack of accountability tends to fertilize their swampy personalities. Stop the madness! Say something! I do. It may not be an exorcism but it sure keeps the demons off my doorstep.</p>
<p>My Grandmother was a tough cookie and had absolutely no filter. One time I was picking her up to take her to a Dr. appt. I pulled up to the curb with my little kids in my old minivan. There were toys and empty cups, a paper or two on the floor of the car. I’m sure any parent can relate. As my Grandmother was getting in, she glanced at the inside of the car with a critical eye and muttered something like “what kind of messy car IS this?” I responded “The kind that is taking you to your appointment. Do you want a ride or not?” She did.</p>
<p>All of your stories are breaking MY heart! I thought my own mother was difficult, but she has always loved me and my brothers unconditionally. She is just getting so NEGATIVE in her old age. Every comment that comes out of her mouth is critical of something (not me directly) and it gets so tiresome! She’s a great cook and is never satisfied with any food at any restaurant or that anyone else cooks, and comments on it to me (but not everybody else, thank goodness) to the point where she ruins eating out for me. She makes negative comments about current fashion trends (“why would anyone want to wear a belt? It just cuts them in half.”), hairstyles (She would look so much better if she’d cut that hair off."), just EVERYTHING. She hates long hair on women and tells me that every time she sees a woman over 18 with long hair. She never likes my hair, and although she doesn’t come right out and criticize me, she makes it clear that she doesn’t like it–“Are you letting your hair grow out?” “Do you like your hair like that?” Once she leaned over to me in a group of people and pointed to my face and said, “Is that a pimple or a mole?” I don’t think she was like this when I was younger. I sometimes wonder if she thinks she’s being funny. I have told her how tiresome it is to never hear a positive word out of her mouth, but it doesn’t do any good. Unfortunately, my ex husband was the same way, but I can’t divorce my mom!</p>
<p>It IS tiresome and tiring, but selective blindness/deafness and amnesia are wonderful things sometimes. You can call them on really impossible behavior and just try to let the rest roll off your back. Act like our teens and put your filters on so you don’t see or hear the offenses and then forget them or they will eat at you LONG after the offender has forgotten even saying/doing whatever it was. Try to limit your time spent in the company of toxic people, for your own good health! (Again, easier said than done, but get yourself some respite.)</p>
<p>HiMom, I know you are right and I have been given that advice about some of my relationships. The hard part is that, along with filtering out and letting it roll off you, you are, in a way, acknowledging the loss of that relationship as you wish it was. Does that make any sense? The part that hopes that things will change holds on. </p>
<p>But yes! Call them out on the really bad stuff. Ellebud, your FIL should have been drawn and quartered for that hateful remark in the face of your illness.</p>
<p>A btw: I don’t know that I am a “better person”. My kids know that this set of grandparents didn’t like them. And yet, (ok there were several years when we didn’t speak or see them) we still let those people into their lives. It did have an effect in small but sometimes signifigent ways, and I am profoundly sorry.</p>
<p>My MIL told me, after FIL’s death what he said about the cancer. When I told my husband (who admitted the night before his father’s memorial that he didn’t care about the death) what had been said…husband took a step back and said calmly…yeah, I can see the SOB saying that. (I will say that I wasn’t surprised. They called once or twice when I was having chemo. They never came over or ordered a meal to be delivered.)</p>
<p>EPTR, maybe it’s time to grieve these losses already and remove the sting of having it keep hurting you? This way, you can be happily surprised if things improve and can stop hoping against hope that the insensitive will somehow come around.</p>
<p>We have a loved one whose SIL gave her brother, the groom-to-be a book about divorce and told him the fiance was after his $$$ when he told her he was engaged to be married. Needless to she’s a glass is nearly empty (never mind empty) kind of person. Attempts to change her have been unavailing, so she is accepted (or not) as she is. She does have some amazing qualities, but there is definitely a toxic aspect that folks try their best to skirt. The toxic aspects of her personality have kept her from building the deeper and more loving relationships that could have enriched her life more, but we all make choices to sustain ourselves and minimize the toxicity in our lives. She does have a pretty large circle of friends anyway and has a very successful professional career.</p>
<p>I agree, HiMom. It’s just hard as is evidenced by the very presence of this thread. I am an optimist by nature and I do think that some, not all, people will change their behavior when boundaries are put in place. By asserting myself and setting limits on how I am willing to be treated, I have seen significant changes in two of the people in my life. Those changes have been rewarding. Not just for me, but for them as well as it has allowed a deepening of the intimacy in the relationship, rather than an inevitable break. I still say, in sme instances, speak up and mirror back to them what the behavior looks and sounds like to you. They are bullies and will not stop unless confronted.</p>
<p>What scares me is my mom is exactly like her mom who she professed to hate and swear never to be like! My mom has been self centered as long as I can remember. My dad was pretty difficult, he drank way too much and had cancer at 44 (realted to smoking and drinking) a different cancer at 55(related to smoking and drinking) and a stroke at 62-you get the picture. Maybe it was a coping mechanism, but she still swore they were the perfect couple. My S and I were sailing last week, great for long chatty conversations and I was telling him stories from my childhood. Some of them are funny and positive. Nothing is all bad right? Then there are the stories about my dad driving us drunk, my parents teasing me until I cried, they swore I was over sensitive. My parents are college educated, my dad was an executive, crummy families come in all shapes and sizes. S was appalled and swears I am nothing like my mom and promises to call me on any hints of it.</p>
<p>lololu, do you think your mother’s will divides up her assets equally among you and your sisters? Or do you think you are left out of the will entirely? I would probably cut off all contact with my mother if she treated me as yours treats you.</p>
<p>Interesting day for me to be reading this thread as my incredibly difficult, controlling, misogynistic father turns 80 today. He can be a nice person - when the conversation is focused on him and everyone is listening to and agreeing with him. Express a different opinion - and you are being disrespectful - especially if you are female. I don’t know how my mother has been married to him for 49 years. He treats her like an idiot child - yells at her - and when she dares to disagree - gives her the silent treatment until she apologizes. My mother is 74 and is so stooped over - you might say it is osteoporosis - I say it is the toll being treated like that has taken on her - she does not seem to understand that she is a victim of emotional and verbal abuse. </p>
<p>My approach - keep it light and keep it distant. I see him a few times a year - although we live 10 minutes apart. I speak with him on the phone once a week or so - and that’s it. And if I say something that he finds disrespectful and decides to give me the silent treatment for a few months as he did last year - he can go for it - it no longer bothers me.</p>
<p>So today - I called to with him a happy birthday - listened to him talk about himself for a few minutes - and then said I needed to get back to work. I sent a fruit basket. It might sound amazing to some that there will be no family dinner - no party - for someone who is turning 80. But if you knew my father - you would understand.</p>
<p>My mom has reached the point where she lacks the filter and where she is bitter about every slight that has ever happened in her life. My sister’s husband died last year at 57. There were some issues there, but he was a good father, a good son, a good friend and despite their issues, my sister loved him. At his wake, my mother went up to his mother (who was seeing her son in the coffin) and said "you have no right to carry on because you had your son for 57 years and I lost my daughter when she was only 20. My brother lives with her, supports and cares for her. She never has a kind word. I do a lot for her in terms of administrative stuff, appointments, arrangements, sending food and I see her a lot, but she rips me apart constantly to anyone who will listen. My older brother lives far away with his wife and they have faced very daunting health concerns this year and she is just vicious to them when they call or visit. She is so awful that the members of the senior center that she visits a couple of times a week don’t want her to come anymore. She is just plain mean. My D1 visits her a couple of times a week to have lunch and provide companionship. My mother spends all that time picking on me and pitting my two daughters against each other. The only person my mother ever has a good word for is my husband because he takes no garbage from her. He will look her in the eye and say “now why would you say a thing like that?” She wasn’t always like this to me, but I’ve recently learned some truly shocking things about her past behavior, such as that my brothers’ father is actually alive and they have half-siblings. Who knew? Not us. I often wonder if I should tell my brothers, but that’s another thread.</p>
<p>Ellebud, I’m glad that your husband has his priorities straight.</p>
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