<p>My mom (who is young – I’m only 21) changed her behavior a lot when I had my daughter. She wants access to her grandchild and so now she is very careful not to be difficult/antagonizing etc. When I was first pregnant I was visiting family in the state I grew up in and where my mother lives for a few weeks. In an effort to patch things up with my mom, I let her drive me to my first ultrasound. For some reason, the technician would only give us two copies of the ultrasound pics. I wanted to send one pic to my partner since I was still going to be away from him for a few weeks, and my mother blew her top, screaming that I was giving her pictures to “some guy” (who she now loves),
and she didn’t want me to make a copy of my copy either – she insisted on the original. I told her I’d call the family member I was staying with to drive me back if my mom wouldn’t stop yelling at me, so instead my mom went and yelled at the ultrasound technician for a half an hour. </p>
<p>I learned a lot of what to avoid doing as a parent from her.</p>
<p>cttc, I am guessing that my mother’s will will not be an even split – but I don’t really care. I am funny about money, I don’t care if I have it or not, as long as my children and H an I are happy. I don’t see money as expression of love, it is more hurtful to get an iron when everybody else gets “beautiful” things.</p>
<p>It does my heart good to read all of your stories. I’m not glad that other people have these issues, but there is something about misery loving company. I believe that I have tried to get along with my mother and have bit my tongue more times than I can count. The way she acted during my son’s high school graduation events and his party pretty much ended it for me. She’s about 10 minutes away and we stay in touch by the occasional phone call. That’s enough for me.</p>
<p>Ditto tired already above – thanks for this thread. It is so comforting to know that I am not alone. It’s hard to think about, much less write about, some of the things my mother has said/done over the years… a favorite, though (maybe because I can just shake my head about it now) is how she leaned over the church pew as my son walked down the aisle to receive his first communion and said “I can’t believe I am missing the Kentucky Derby for this.” (A few years later, when it was time for D’s first communion, she faked a burglary in her home so she wouldn’t have to come… the “missing” purse was amazingly found in a closet later that afternoon).</p>
<p>I feel relieved to know I am not alone. My mom passed away 8 years ago and my dad was alone for almost 6 years during which we did a lot together - including him in our family vacations. He lives a few hours from us but we drive there to visit him and sent him train tickets to cme up to see us. The grandkids loved it when he visited. Then he met a woman he knew from his childhood. Well, they got married and things changed. He caters to her every whim. We (my siblings and I) rallied around him when he had major heart surgery and still he chooses to do as she says (drive out of town, etc.) even if its against doctors intructions. I am heartbroken that he is not the same man I knew. Maybe he was always that way and I never saw it. </p>
<p>The only way I can cope is to keep my distance but stay civil. I am dreading my D’s graduation when I will have to invite him not knwing if he’ll chose to attend.</p>
<p>When people are cruel/callous ( but normal not psychopathic behavior) and are hurtful, I can’t help but think they must be coming from a place of real pain & fear ( especially if it isn’t directed at me) to say & do such things.</p>
<p>My inlaws still don’t like me after I have been married to their son for almost 30 years.( & their daughters are both divorced- but since the inlaws loved both of their Sils- perhaps there is a connection?)
They didn’t come to the hospital after my oldest was born 10 weeks early & wasn’t expected to live, they didn’t come to my youngests high school graduation.</p>
<p>My mother died 15 months ago, a month after her 75th birthday. My father will have been gone 36 years this spring, he would have been 79. I didn’t have a great relationship with my mother, she was also very needy & kowtowed to my brother ( who is an ass) & to my brother in law despite admitting that I knew more & had her interests more at heart. She just couldn’t get past feeling that men were superior. </p>
<p>However, she tried to be very supportive & non judgmental of me despite her fears .
While I still have not come to terms with the circumstances of her death, ( IMO my brother was to blame), I appreciate what she did give and try and let go of my disappointment of what she could not.</p>
<p>We should not expect people to be any different than who they are. If they have always acted a certain way- why blame them, when they continue to act that way?
Limit your contact if that helps- ( I did that with both my mother and grandmother at times), but find something to enjoy about them, & exploit that- & don’t waste energy trying to change them.</p>
<p>I would also like to say that it’s really helpful to me to read these stories, as horrible (or hilariously horrible – a book about divorce as a wedding gift?!) as they are. It makes me feel less alone and less guilty about not being close to my mother. I grew up feeling like there was something very wrong with me, my brother, and my father because my mother was so critical and mean to us. It’s taken me a lifetime to overcome and believe that I have value and am deserving of love.</p>
<p>One bright common link I see in these threads is that many of you have good relationships with your own children. There’s something to be said for the anti-role model! </p>
<p>I guess I’m lucky in that my mother has actually mellowed with the years and is actually quite pleasant to me. I can’t let go of old habits though and it’s still hard for me to let my guard down. I still have to “make” myself call her — I get the knot in my stomach and I have to steel myself. Oh well. At least my own D has never felt that way.</p>
<p>This made me laugh. I have to confess some sympathy for your mom here. As a fifth-grade horse racing fan, I remember being mightily ticked off because my confirmation was on Derby Day and the bishop was late, causing me to miss it. I also really do not enjoy attending the Catholic religious milestones of my great nieces and nephews, which inevitably contain language that is actively insulting to non-believers like me.</p>
<p>On the other hand, when invited to attend such events I maintain a polite demeanor. My sister, the grandmother, is very anti-Catholic and makes her displeasure very obvious and makes the kind of rude remarks you describe. She is One Of Those described above, alas.</p>
<p>I can’t let go of old habits though and it’s still hard for me to let my guard down. I still have to “make” myself call her — I get the knot in my stomach and I have to steel myself.</p>
<p>I hear ya. I used to call my mom everytime I went to a certain grocery store. ( which was about once a week or so) It was just far enough away that I could talk for a few minutes- but no longer than about 15. Then I would have to hang up as I would lose the signal in the parking garage.</p>
<p>BUt it is only recently that I have been able to go there without getting weepy.
I had a pretty good relationship with my grandmother when I was first married & had kids ( both she & my grandpa * loved* my H- they both lived till they were 86) & wish my daughters had a grandmother they could call.</p>
<p>I fear that neither one of my kids likes me very much- I only hope I live long enough that they can reach the tolerate stage. ( who * knows* how long that will take)</p>
<p>Actually, the sister was hoping the engagement would be broken so there would never BE a wedding. She’s finally resigned to the marriage, 25 years & a niece & nephew later. The brother & SIL still get along with her & spend time with her but will always remember the infamous warning & gift, maintaining a safe reserve. She’s somewhat toxic. :/</p>
<p>Actually, I had to read the original post twice. I would have thought that the person whose 90th birthday party may be canceled was the one who was put out. Or the people who were traveling cross country for a party that may be canceled. </p>
<p>It does create a dilemma when families have two important events that conflict. </p>
<p>Years ago, we had a relative who died just two days before Christmas. We postponed the funeral until after Christmas so that everyone could have Christmas with their families rather than be traveling to a funeral. No one was offended and it seemed to suit everyone.</p>
<p>ITA! The one thing I wanted to give my kids was something I never had – parents who loved and appreciated the for who they were and gave them unconditional love and support. I can honestly say I’ve done that. It took me a long time to get myself right in my own head after the way my parents treated me, but now they’re both gone and and they missed out on so much, with me, with my kids, with everything. I feel sorry for them.</p>
<p>It is very comforting to read the above posts and know you are not alone. One way my mother (who passed away almost 6 years ago) and her insane behavior has helped me be a good parent is that I know I do sometimes say or do the wrong thing and I apologize when it happens - something my mother would NEVER do. I know I’m not perfect, but I love my children and I want them to know I would not intentionally do or say anything to hurt them. I think they really appreciate it when I admit to being wrong and simply say I’m sorry.</p>
<p>TatinG,i have to admit I was a little confused myself about the issue with the second cousin(I assume he has his closest family members helping with that). For those flying in for a 90th, I would assume they would run into penalties with airlines,hotels,etc. at this late date if they cancelled. Unless death is imminent, perhaps people could visit with the cousin as well as celebrate the 90th birthday?</p>
<p>It is hard.
I will admit that I no longer feel anything at all for my self-absorbed, mean, nasty parent. It took a lot of pain, guilt, and tears to get here, and it is not a journey I recommend. But I am not hurt any more.</p>
<p>Obviously every family is different. But in my family a 90th birthday celebration with people flying in from all over is a BIG, BIG deal. While naturally everyone would be concerned about the ailing relative, I wouldn’t want to slight my mother or mother-in-law on the only 90th birthday she’ll every have (which could very well be one of her last birthdays ever).</p>
<p>Yes, TatinG, these issues are tough-my grandfather died on Christmas Eve many years ago and we also waited until after the holiday to have the services. A few years ago, my mother (81 at the time ) had to have open heart surgery at the same time my kid’s Eagle Scout ceremony was scheduled(which had been planned for months and involved 3 other families in a joint ceremony). I went to the hospital out of town for my mother’s surgery but the ceremony,party went on without me. People had planned on the ceremony for some time. Neither I nor my mother would have wanted her illness or emergency surgery to keep all of that from happening. It is usually hard to know what is the right thing to do in these kinds of situations.Things are not always black or white.But my mother,although not perfect, and now 87, doesn’t sound as difficult as many of the moms talked about on this thread. She is increasingly fragile and dealing with early dementia, frailty issues but that is another issue. Good luck to all of us dealing with issues with our elderly parents. It is not easy.</p>
<p>I’ve really enjoyed reading all of your posts. It seems clear that we have all learned a lot from our self-centered mom, or dad, as the case may be. In that we can find some comfort.
I’m sorry that my post was a bit confusing- I wasn’t in a very good frame of mind when I wrote it. But…good news! The cousin, I’ll call him Bob, is out of the hospital as of this afternoon! He has his wife to look after him, and hopefully he will continue to improve with his medications and rest. So it looks like the party for my MIL will go on without" Bob and Betty", although their kids and grand kids will be there. We’ll think of a way for those from out of town who would like to visit him to do so and also circulate a card for him for everyone to sign at the party. We’re all just so relieved that he’s well enough to go home.
All except my mom. I doubt that she’s given it two seconds thought since our last conversation.<br>
My daughter tells me that, “Grandma just has something fundamental missing from her personality. She lacks the inclination to care about other people. What’s frustrating is that it seems in her case that this is her choice, and that she could care if she wanted to- she just doesn’t.” That about sums it up. </p>
<p>Thanks everyone for your stories and helpful words of advice. Keep 'em coming. Great therapy.</p>
</p>
I also really do not enjoy attending the Catholic religious milestones of my great nieces and nephews, which inevitably contain language that is actively insulting to non-believers like me.</p>
( who * knows* how long that will take)</p>