<p>Great news,moonchild!</p>
<p>Hurray! Perhaps if there can be a webcam so Bob & Betty can view the crowd & they can all say “Hi” to Bob & Betty–maybe Skype or something? Any techno-types in the extended family that could pitch in to help with this? Can someone take a nice video of everyone, which would be good for everyone anyway, as who knows when so many will be able to gather together?</p>
<p>^^^Good idea…maybe you can just ‘pretend’ to film Mom or ‘whoops! Lens cap!’</p>
<p>I have not read every post but I can say that, finally, at 60 I am no longer conflicted about my relationship with my mother. A wonderful, easy ready, is ’ Will I Ever Be Good Enough–daughters of narscisistic mothers". My mother says horrid things nearly every contact. One of her latest was when she learned that her adult grandaughter’s favorite cat died. She responded, Well La Di Dah. She recently told her 12 yr old grandaughter, “if you keep eating like that your hips will be as big as a barn”. Oh–I have stories! But finally I am able to listen and just recognize that she is a sad lonely lonely 90 yr old who has not a single person who likes her. It is sad. That book helped put a face on her personality. And NO, this is not about us at all. The pain takes years to sort out, though.</p>
<p>An adult aunt said to her niece & SIL that niece had huge hips (this niece is literally a size 0 or 00 at most stores). She also assumed and said niece was the same size as her & SIL. Aunt is size L or XL–maybe a size 14+ and SIL is size 4 in generous brands and it is unlikely the three of them will EVER be the same size or anywhere near it. Aunt’s brother heard it & apologized to his D & wife, saying you know aunt’s a bit outspoken and flaky & always has been. </p>
<p>Niece was smarting for quite a while, as she’s always been sensitive about her hips, tho she’s otherwise thin as a rail. Fortunately, aunt manages not to offend or set off nephew, but does attack her brother when the mood strikes.</p>
<p>I do think these people do have some personality and/or mental/emotional defect. Sometimes they seem like split personalities–so very sensitive to say their dog or pet’s feelings and needs but wholly insensitive to just about everything else. She find fault and neediness in others while having no clue as to how demanding and needy her OWN behavior is! It really pushes people away from her & others like her. Unfortunately she & others like her don’t understand it and are unable to form the deeply rewarding relationships that most of us love and live for!</p>
<p>Has anyone else ever noticed that it is these people who say and do the most insensitive things that are, themselves, the most sensitive to comments from others? I always notice that and it just compounds my annoyance. Basically, they can dish it out but they can’t take it.</p>
<p>Has anyone else ever noticed that it is these people who say and do the most insensitive things that are, themselves, the most sensitive to comments from others? I always notice that and it just compounds my annoyance. Basically, they can dish it out but they can’t take it.</p>
<p>If they were thicker skinned I don’t think they would be " dishing it out" in the first place.
From my post #47</p>
<p>When people are cruel/callous ( but normal not psychopathic behavior) and are hurtful, I can’t help but think **they must be coming from a place of real pain & fear<a href=“especially%20if%20it%20isn’t%20directed%20at%20me”>/b</a> to say & do such things.</p>
<p>I wish anybody remembers about my existance when I am 82. I do not expect them to assess my responses at the same level as other members of human race. It would not be fair at all,…unless I am still working, which is my dream, but I have very slim chance to have it as reality. If I do not work, then most likely I will be underground anyway, and if miracle happens and I am still on surface, then, sorry, please, do not expect “human” type of reponses from me.</p>
<p>Thanks, servmom and HImom. I’m sure we have the capability to do some video or even skype. I think Betty has an iphone, as well as her daughter, who will be present, and we could video chat. Great idea!</p>
<p>
<br>
haha, Novelisto ;)</p>
<p>
Yes, it is the same here. They really like her for a few months, though, as she has a great initial impression. But it goes downhill from there.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>So, so true.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>YES! And mine almost seems to look for slights from others, so she can be
the victim. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>That may be true, but I think the behavior is manipulative in order to control and get others to do what they want them to do.
One could argue that needing to control comes from a place of pain and fear, but that doesn’t make it any less intolerable. We all have insecurities, but do we need to be so nasty and hurtful to make ourselves feel better? Most of us choose other ways of getting the love and attention we need. I’ve found with my mom, no amount of attention satisfies-- it seems to reward and cement her behavior.</p>
<p>My daughter is out from the East Coast for the event–picked her up last night.
Having her around insulates me from whatever hurts or annoyances my mom can dish out, and I am sooo thankful for my kids. Whatever challenges they may create in my life–and they do-- are more than compensated for by their loving and understanding natures.<br>
We’re off to the Farmer’s Market to buy flowers for the party. The resort doesn’t provide centerpieces, surprisingly, so we’ll make them. I hope to make the event, and the whole weekend with the family, one of love and gratitude. Maybe my mom will catch a bit of it- at least for a while.</p>
<p>*That may be true, but I think the behavior is manipulative in order to control and get others to do what they want them to do. *</p>
<p>I agree- I didn’t say we had to tolerate it.
I think we need to be firm & decide what we can put up with & be very clear about boundaries. & feel free to not invite or encourage that sort of behavior in any way & be open with why we are doing so.( but not humilate them unnecessarily) That we don’t want to reward them because it isn’t healthy for them.
& then we should not feel guilty about what we need to do for ourselves & others.</p>
<p>MiamiDAP-I don’t think being 82 is any reason, or excuse, to be less “human.” What ever happened to wisdom with age?<br>
My 90 year-old MIL is the epitome of grace and kindness. She is an inspiration.There’s no reason we all can’t become “better” as we age. In fact, I think it’s our obligation.</p>
<p>Yes, emerald, and it’s a constant balancing act. Draining. But I’m working on it.</p>
<p>On a lighter note - I am the person who is primarily responsible for five seniors, all over 80. One thing I have learned is to ABSOLUTELY make sure they their hearing aids functioning when we go to appointments. Especially those who no longer filter any thought that comes into their head. Without their hearing aids, not only do they say what is on their minds, they do so LOUDLY and REPEATEDLY. </p>
<p>Lord, give me strength.</p>
<p>There are some seniors who undergo personality changes as they age, and will do and say things that they would never have done earlier. When that happens, I think we have to remind ourselves that these actions and statements may not represent at all what the person “really” thought all along. This, in my mind, has to be treated more like an illness, embarassing and annoying as it may be.</p>
<p>But that doesn’t seem to be what we are mostly talking about in this thread–here, I think we are talking about the intensification of traits that were already present. My observation is that typically nice people get even nicer with age, while nasty people get nastier.</p>
<p>Yes, but a lot of these older parents have been that way since they were young. My great-grandmother, grandmother and mother have all been very proud of their “quick wit” and putting people down. They couldn’t even stand each other from what I heard.</p>
<p>"I have learned in gerontology class that people don’t typically get that attitude at their elderly age. they usually develop it early and keep it forever.:</p>
<p>I’m sure this is true of some, but I have seen people develop it at an elderly age. My dad is 83 and has been hospitalized frequently over the last ten years. Recently, he began hallucinating when he went to the hospital. He said some things–really mean, hurtful things–to some of the caregivers that I know he would never have said before this age. We have been told by the neurologist that the hallucinations are related to a form of dementia. The dementia and hallucinations get worse when he is in an unfamiliar environment.</p>
<p>In my dad’s case, I have sincere doubts that he was even directing his comments at the person standing there, but rather at what he “saw” standing there as he was hallucinating.</p>
<p>You cannot compare one elderly to another. This is mistake. I am saying that if I do not work, it will be little resembles of human in my body. Others might be different, but there is no single perfectly healthy individual at this age, and who knows how various diseases affect our “humanity”. I have met very understanding and perfect elderly, but they work. One amazing lady in her middle 80’s volunteered to be paid cleanning lady to the granddaughter, works wonderfully for both. The same lady still babysits and her weight is normal. She is truly inspiration. Others might not realize that they need to keep occupied, but who are we to blame them? We will be there sooner or later, do not throw a stone, it will boomerung back IMO.</p>
<p>Yes, yes, yes to the people about who noted that with so many of these people- whether that be parents, aunts, siblings, etc.- they are so sensitive and so easily hurt or affected by what we do or say yet we should not be affected by their actions. We constantly are expected to make allowances for whatever their issues are yet they never should be expected to make allowances for us.</p>
<p>Eleven years ago my mother told me that I should move my husband’s office to the basement so she could move in and I could “wait on her”. Yes, she actually said I could wait on her!</p>
<p>(My mother was actually in better health than me at the time and she is 83 now.)</p>
<p>I am really glad someone started this thread. I thought maybe I was the only one who had a parent like this. I heard the phrase “You’re too sensitive” so many times when I was young and yet I knew I had been insulted. But back then it mostly came from my grandparents!</p>