<p>My mom has always been sweet and dear (even when she can’t hear). It was pretty embarassing when she & her brother (both slightly deaf) were speaking in increasing volume about an acquaintance that was across the hall. I kept unsuccessfully trying to get them to change the subject or lower their volume – I’m hoping his hearing might have been as impaired as theirs but from his expression, I have my doubts. At least, they weren’t being malicious, but it was very embarrassing.</p>
<p>It is tough when people who have always been demanding and somewhat difficult get increasingly moreso as they age, with fewer redeeming traits that make them enjoyable to be around. It really makes folks weigh how much effort they want to put into visiting them and how long and frequently to be in their company. Hate to say it, but it’s true!</p>
<p>My mother (85) also got a little nasty as she got older (this was not her normal personality). She just started saying whatever was on her mind (no self-editing). She was mean to the people at the grocery store ("why don’t you fill the bags only half way?Can’t you see I’m old and wouldn’t be able to pick those up? Hmmm…how about just ASKING the clueless 16 year old to fill them only halfway!), the airport workers, you name it, she just said what she was feeling.</p>
<p>I talked with her about self-editing what came out of her mouth as it was just good manners–she said she just didn’t feel like it anymore. At her age she felt she was entitled to do what she wanted. I explained she could do that if she chose and the consequence would be she would be all alone as her 5 children had had enough.</p>
<p>She is now 89 and a million times better! I think they get mad and frustrated that they have to deal with all their ailments and it wears them down. Once they accept what is happening to their bodies and mind I think they do better. It also helps to give them a little reality check!(You know the ones they had to give us when we thought the world revolved around us as teens)</p>
<p>To the OP–I am sorry for what you have to experience. I don’t think she will ever change, especially now. Try to let it go (not that easy I’m sure). She will never be the mother you wanted or deserved. All you can do now is be the best mom you can to your own children.</p>
<p>Yes, I think may of us have been told, “You’re too sensitive,” especially when the speaker has just said something especially cruel and/or callous. Somehow, we’re not supposed to ahve feelings that get hurt but watch out if you do or say anything that may offend them in the least!?!?! Is it our fault that they go around trampling people’s feelings and then are surprised at the wreckage in their wake?</p>
<p>On the point about filling grocery bags only 1/2 way, I was in the local Longs/CVS yesterday and watched an older employee train a new young employee on this. I heard him whisper as the shopper left with her many partially filled bags, “Pretend you’re loading things up for your frail grandma. Think about whether she can lift and carry the bags you are filling as you fill them. When in doubt, stop & start a new bag. They really appreciate it and it’s the right thing to do.” I was very surprised and pleased that the older, experienced worker was taking the time and effort to educate the newer younger cashier on this point, even tho it meant that store used A LOT MORE bags, which does cost the store money.</p>
<p>The point about self-editting is a good one and am glad you were able to bring it to your mom’s attention and she was willing to modify and be pleasanter to be around.</p>
<p>^ some of them will do adjustments, most will not. Look how they drive! It is much more dangerous situation than “talking” and has resulted in numerous deaths.
I edit myself everything that comes out of the mouth of 80+ years old. Actually, I am amazed at everyone of them, who talk and behave like the rest of us, I give them credit for that and adjust my listenning to others who are well into 80+ in their speach and behavior. In addition, I found that working vs. not working has greater affect than age itself. Some 50+ who do not work seems to be so disconnected and not understanding. They seem to be very self-centered and paying attention to the littlest things in regard to their own self, that the rest of us will not give 5 min. of attention. There are exceptions, but they found the way to be occupied with some meanningful activities that connect them to the rest of society or are very involved with their kids (in case of younger kids still at home).</p>
<p>Those who sincerely care about others and their feelings are the most likely to modify their actions after being made aware of the effects.
Those who have never cared, or for whom a modicum of manners/consideration was based on employment or a particular social environment (we don’t treat the help that way at this country club) may be less open to considering that change unless it has “anything in it” for them. </p>
<p>Yep: speaking/writing from specific experience, so maybe not universally applicable.
-mafool via phone (so please excuse any typos)</p>
<p>Here are a few more favorites from over the years:</p>
<p>Upon opening my Christmas stocking the first December home from college, and well on my way to the freshman 15 (especially because I was injured in my sport), “Santa” packed the stocking with oranges and apples, while the other three kids (2 older, one younger), all received yummy chocolate and the usual christmas goodies. I didn’t even get one chocolate kiss. </p>
<p>For the remaining 4 years of college, every phone call (and I mean EVERY call) started with: “How’s your weight?” And if the response wasn’t positive, this was followed up with: “oh, you have such a pretty face, what a waste of your college years.” And another good one, when we watched some TV show about someone being stuck on a deserted island with no food: “You’d last at least a year, your body would just eat up the fat.”</p>
<p>(* note, I was not obese, at the most ever was 15 lbs overweight)…! </p>
<p>When I was heartbroken (really, truly devastated) after a tough break up with my first real love (I was 21), my mother said: “You’re just upset because he is the first good-looking boy that ever paid any attention to you.” (I swear that is word for word).</p>
<p>There are so many more…I have survived! And am a good mom!</p>
<p>Guitarist’s Mom,
Your kids are so LUCKY you have broken the cycle and have become the parent you wish you had had. If all of those who have been treated as you and many of us have, use these lessons to help us be better people and raise the next generation to be good, caring people, we will have a better world.</p>
<p>It is amazing how much influence each of us can have in the world, one loving, caring relationship at a time.</p>
<p>When I was about 8, my great-aunt said to my mom “X (my younger sister) is SO beautiful, you’ll never have to worry about her, but Joan, well it’s a good thing she’s so smart, isn’t it, because girls lwho look ike her will have to work to support themselves” My mom answered “Yes, Joan is smart, but that’s not all there is in life.” I kept waiting for her to point out my cousin’s (her grand-daughter) huge honker, but she never did! When my aunt died 10 years later, I didn’t attend her funeral.</p>
<p>My father was a toxic human being. The last time I saw my parents was in 1998 (they died in '09 and’10 respectively, so I didn’t see them for the last portion of their lives). They had come to stay with us for a month. When they left, my H tried to get my then 4 year old to come and say good-bye. He said: “I don’t like them, they’re not very nice. Send them back and let’s go to the grandparent store and get new ones!” </p>
<p>I don’t even know where my parents are buried or if they were cremated or what. When we learned my dad had died, the day we dropped DD off at college, my kids kept expecting me to cry and I didn’t. My sister (the beauteous one!) called me in February 2010 and said “You’ll never see your mother again.” I said ok and hung up. A year later, my H called to see how my mom was doing because I refused to and he told me that she had died a year ago - to the day! Apparently, telling me I’d never see her again was my sister’s way of conveying death. </p>
<p>I cried when my kids’ pediatrician of 15 years died - I didn’t shed a tear for my parents…</p>
<p>Thank you everyone for sharing; I feel less alone now and a tad less guilty. I used to be able to limit contact with my mother, but now that she has really slowed down, she really needs my assistance. Letting comments roll off my back is easier said than done. How do you do it? Do you have a magic mantra you say to yourself? At least she hasn’t alienated all her <em>friends</em> (about whom she complains relentlessly, then turns on the charm when they call. Wish she would turn on the fake charm with me!</p>
<p>“This too shall pass.” “We can choose our friends but we can’t choose our families and parents.” Also be sure to have some respite and take care of yourself! It helps keep things in perspective.</p>
At least, they weren’t being malicious, but it was very embarrassing.</p>