Where do you draw the Nag line?

Parent Cafe
1

I’ve prided myself on not nagging my kids…growing up, i was lucky enough to be able to tell them once or we found a way to compromise on an issue…that left everyone at least partly happy.

But dang it, has it gotten hard as they’ve gotten older! Most recent case in point, it is driving me CRAZY that my soon-to-be-gone senior will literally not do anything that approaches exercise, getting fresh air, leaving the house for any fitness reason (except to go to her restaurant job…which usually goes from 4 to 11 p.m.). She won’t even take a walk. My husband said, “don’t nag…try not saying anything and see what happens.” So I did…for two weeks, I said literally nothing and I did no silent seething either…and what happened at the end of 2 weeks? literally nothing. She was a log…sitting on the couch, looking at her phone. Aaarugh.

Should i just let this go? I actually think she’s getting really low…during the school year, she had a 1-mile walk to school…played tennis and hockey…all of that is gone.

(and once i get out of this meeting at work, I’ll update you all with what’s driving me crazy with my son. LOL…I’m a mess today!)

2

Lol southern hope. It’s the middle of June. A month ago I got out my porch furniture but need help with the patio table. It’s still in the basement. I’ve asked nicely, when do I start nagging?

3

If she’s working, that’s something.

I wouldn’t bug her. Other than, that is, to have her help with chores around the house = “since you’re not busy, maybe you can mow the lawn” or “vacuum the living room” or “do the laundry”…

If my kids look unoccupied, I make sure they get occupied with housework - within reason.

4

What is the restaurant job? Most restaurant work requires a fair amount of physical activity.

5

First of all hugs, SouthernHope for your worries!

When you say “she’s getting really low” - what exactly do you mean???

I would say that for many teens, getting out by themselves to do an outside activity isn’t going to happen like it might have when they were 10 -taking a walk/bike ride etc. Unless they run (that might be seen as cooler!) they aren’t likely to head out on their own. So what do they need? A friend who is also wanting to do the outside activity!

Some suggestions:

  • is she still up for doing family things? Pick a night and say, “hey, dad and I are planning a night out Wednesday - a walk at the metropark followed by ice cream at our favorite place - can you come?” - or reverse in the morning - a walk at a park followed by breakfast at a coffee shop.
  • do you have a yard with a comfortable, cool (shaded) area? Will a chaise lounge chair encourage her to get out and read or play with her phone???
  • mall walking still IS walking!!!
  • get her interested in a Fitbit - or yours???
  • assign her some chores that will require outdoor/movement - cutting the grass, pulling weeds in flower beds, running errands for you…
  • get a cute puppy - puppy needs to be walked at least twice a day!!! :slight_smile:

Maybe she is still just “chillin” after the end of school season???

6

" not do anything that approaches exercise, getting fresh air, leaving the house for any fitness reason (except to go to her restaurant job…which usually goes from 4 to 11 p.m.). She won’t even take a walk."
-She is old enough to figure out if she needs it or not. It would not be my business. So, I have no advice. as you have decided that it is your business. It is a personal decision that every parent is making. I mean the set of rules and how the kids should follow them. I had only 2 rules, I did not nag about them, I was just adamant about them, I enforced them, I was called “furrer” by my H… which I took as a compliment. 2 rules were: 1. in bed by 10 pm on the weekdays and on Sunday. 2. no crying . These were MY rules and I did not have any others. Nothing really drives me crazy anyway. These 2 rules were strict and my adult D. said that they were very good for her and worked for her very well. Looking back, she see great benefits of being raised this way.

7

Miami, we all have the choices to what “rules” are important to us for our home and for what we feel we should “nag” about. I personally think your rule/nag about a 10pm weeknight bedtime is ridiculous - unless it’s for an 10 year old! How would you react if your D “broke the rule” and stayed up till 11pm - scandalous!!!

And no crying??? So as a parent, you felt it was ok to control emotions??? No words for that one!

One thing to not have any advice for knock the OP’s concern, another to follow it up with your own home antics/rules.

Back to our regularly scheduled thread program. :slight_smile:
(sorry, but post #5 really irked me!!)

8
  1. Let them know.
  2. Remind them.

After that, real life starts happening.

9

OP, good question. I am wondering the same thing about my daughter, a rising senior. This summer, she will be gone two and a half weeks in July (visiting Texas, then going on a week-long volunteer trip to Peru). A German girl she met in Spain will be staying with us the entire month of August. So her time is limited. She has to take an online health class, since she missed that while she was in Spain. She also has summer homework and needs to write her college essays. She should also be running regularly since she wants to run cross country in the fall.

I don’t see her doing much. I asked her if she wants me to bring any of it up, and she said, “No.” So I guess I will bite my tongue and let her take care of things. Ack. I don’t think bugging her would help, anyway.

10

Nagging is a quintessential parenting issue. I go with the old adage “pick your battles”. How much does this lack of physical activity bug you in comparison to other worries. Also, how likely is ANYTHING you say going to make a difference anyway? Of course you know that she will have to find her own motivation because she is ultimately in charge of her life. So then, how can you distract yourself from feeling annoyed by her actions, so you can focus on something more constructive overall.

11

Let it go. In a few months she will be gone and you won’t know what she is doing. It is so much better that way.

12

My assumption is she is going to college next year. If not disregard my post.

Southernhope. The summer before college is really stressful for everyone. I think you and your daughter really need a break from the stress of knowing she is leaving.

She just got out of school. She had planned activities and responsibilities. She was probably going a mile a minute her entire senior year. College apps, getting accepted, deciding where to go, hard courses. homework, sports, tests , and emotions connected with her social life and then suddenly nothing. No structure. It can be scary.

Your daughter is moving away. Things will never be the same. You will have very little influence on her daily activities. That is extremely hard to face because all you want is what is best for her. All you are trying to do is help her succeed.

It is hard to let go. It takes years to let go. My D is going to be 29. I am still letting go and trying not to give advice.

Kids need down time. They need time to process what’s going on in their lives. Maybe she has earned some time on the couch.

I waitressed my way through college starting senior year of high school. Waitressing can be exhausting. You are constantly on the move. I can remember how badly my feet hurt me when I started the summer. It is a stressful job. It really is.

Give her a break and give her some space.

Your relationship will be so much better for it. Good luck.

13

You should let this go.

Sounds to me like she is taking the morning easy leading up to an on-your-feet-seven-hours restaurant job. Don’t suggest things for her to do in her free time (unless there are chores she should be doing.) Also, I would guess that her friends are not around for some reason or she would make the effort to go out and do something with them.

She is soon to be gone, as you say. I think you are feeling underlying stress about that and it’s coming out over this small issue.

14

She’s probably nervous.

If you planned a weekend family activity that involved some sort of physical activity (nothing too strenuous) would she participate?

@MiamiDAP No crying? I can understand the desire not to have excessive “water power” cry-baby tears, but people should be allowed to cry appropriately. And, at what age did the 10pm curfew end?

15

My S (rising college junior) is a lump on the sofa this summer (or in bed) playing video games mostly. When I think he needs fresh air, I assign him an errand to run. Since we don’t have a car, he has to walk. He’s never been much of an exerciser except for a brief time in cross-country in HS. I’ve decided that it’s not really something I can control, so I try not to let it bother me (too much). OP, I feel your pain.

As far as nagging goes, I try not to. I assign chores and my kids know that if they refuse or procrastinate, I will assign a worse one. And if they stop doing their chores, I stop doing mine (cooking their meals, doing their laundry, etc.)

My son often tells friends that he never had any rules growing up. He did, but I guess he just didn’t recognize them as “rules.” Maybe they were just “expectations” rather than rules.

16

I struggle with this with my boomerang kid. (He’s doing an internship but can’t afford an apartment.) He’s generally fine about helping out when asked, but you have to ask him every single time. He doesn’t look around and see his socks are on the floor, or that the water needs to go down to the basement. He means to exercise, but is always getting sucked in by more sedentary activities. Luckily he’s got one friend who drags him out for exercise on a very irregular basis and he walks about a mile to the local commuter train.

I’m thinking if the OP’s daughter is on her feet 7 hours a day, it’s no wonder she doesn’t want to exercise! I think I might talk about whether she needs light and fresh air, more than exercise, though I suspect an upper body work out, or relaxing yoga might be more what she needs.

17

OP states her D is a “soon to be senior” - so not leaving for college this fall.

True about the 7 hours on her feet! You’d be surprised how many steps one takes in that much time on their feet! My

18

I think nagging people to do things that are for their own good can be counterproductive–especially for a student who is in the middle of the stress of imminent college and separation from family. Do you really want not exercising to be a symbol of freedom from your nagging?

19

@sax says it well, assuming that your child is taking a break before heading off to college.

Is there any reason to suggest your D is having emotional/mental problems? Is she prone to depression or social anxiety, or any other issues that are causing your gut instinct to prickle? If so, continue to watch her and look more closely to understand if she has cut off communication with closest friends. If you are friends with her on facebook, see what she is posting to get a feel for her demeanor. Maybe a conflict with friends is dragging her down. Maybe she realizes that her happy little high school bubble has burst and her friends may be scattered about at different colleges and life as she knows it won’t exist anymore. Lots of big adult-sized changes are hanging over her head, and even if she is not depressed or overly emotionally upset, it can be a lot to digest.

So, I remember that summer between hs/college with my D, and it was full of supercharged emotions for both myself and my D. She was busy working, seeing friends (all going off to different colleges), packing, and all the while Mom is trying to spend time with her. She was exhausted, and pushed back a bit, and I tried to back off a bit.

Do try for some family fun, scheduled way ahead of time, short and easy commitment for family cookout, movie night or ice cream. Let her know you love her in ways that she can appreciate. That might mean a note left on her pillow with a piece of chocolate, or a smiley face on her bathroom mirror. Or it might mean giving her a gift card to take a friend out for coffee/ice cream. Whatever means something to her.

You will not be able to make her do stuff anymore. Let her last memories of time at home with you involve more happy times. It is so very hard to restrain yourself, but the damage you can do with negative talk is just not worth it.

Try forming questions instead of issuing commands and see if she responds. This summer break will pass so quickly, and you want to have some special memories with her. Think of that as your priority, and not how much exercise she got.

Best of luck to you. This is one of those transitions in life that is full of potholes.

20

My husband and I took our teens for a hike yesterday. My son had worked the night before (he unloads trucks at a local shopping center) and he had to work early today, so he was reluctant to go out. He’s an introvert so he gets his energy from time alone, which I understand because I’m like that too. But he’s starting college in the fall and won’t always be able to join us, so he came and had a great time. If you can plan some family activities that involve physical exertion, I’d try that, but give her the option of not going. The freedom to choose seems to help.

When my siblings and I turned 18, our parents let us run our own lives. They would sometimes ask if they could offer us advice, which was generally very sound, and that’s the approach I try to take. It’s tough though. I tend to be a worrier, which I think is a trigger for nagging, so I identify the worry and address that instead.

For instance, there’s some paperwork my son and I have to fill out for college (verification that has both a parent and a student section). It has to be done as soon as possible so funds can be released, and I need it done soon so I can focus on my year end homeschool paperwork and my daughter’s finals. So instead of nagging my son to do his part, I asked him to set aside time to do it with me so I could take it off my to do list. If you verbalize why it bothers you (that you’re concerned she’s not getting enough exercise or that she’ll get into the habit of being inactive, etc.), then it’s easier because you’re addressing your worry and not her behavior.