abasket,
}Miami, we all have the choices to what “rules” are important to us for our home and for what we feel we should “nag” about. I personally think your rule/nag about a 10pm weeknight bedtime is ridiculous - unless it’s for an 10 year old! How would you react if your D “broke the rule” and stayed up till 11pm - scandalous!!!
And no crying??? So as a parent, you felt it was ok to control emotions??? No words for that one!"
I never said that I had any problems, so why are you trying to help me? I just stated my set of rules and I clearly indicated that my kid is out of house and on her own, so I was NOT asking for any advice. I was just stating what I know in response to OP’s question. I do not know any more than I said. What was I supposed to say, something out of the air that I never experienced? I do not understand why you switched the focus on me.
“How would you react if your D “broke the rule” and stayed up till 11pm - scandalous!!!” - I do not know how I WOULD react. Since I am talking about past, how should I know, she has been out of the house for 8 years, she only commented that she really appreciate now these set of rules, she clearly see great results. Again, we are not discussing me, I never had a problem, I never asked anybody to help me, I did not need any help.
"So as a parent, you felt it was ok to control emotions??? " - yes, I did, I am not asking anybody else to do what I did. D. is saying that this one was in fact the best rule.
OP said “soon to be gone senior” I believe, not “soon to be senior”.
Assign her some chores, and that’s it. Otherwise, let her veg.
If she is working, that is great.
I still have to nag my 18 year old, on one hand, I fear that he won’t be able to work things out on his own, on the other hand, some things are TOO important for him to let slip. Today is a deadline, I’ve told him about it a zillion times, and now I have to sit down with him.
The case in point about nagging is my brother - my parents lived and let lived about college apps. My oldest siblings all were fine, applied to a few schools, asked for checks for app fees, and got into a few places and picked one. Not my baby brother. He graduated HS and my parents asked where he was going to college, and he said “huh?”. Turns out his GC didn’t think he was college material, so he wasn’t aware of deadlines and so on. Got into a decent college with a lot of string pulling by August.
In that way, I think some nagging is necessary if it is really really important. If she is keeping a job, great. If she is working 40 hours per week, I’d make her do a few chores, not too many, including for example if she needs to use the car, get gas for it (your dime or hers).
I think you really have to look at the individual’s personality. Nagging never worked for me. In fact, if someone wanted to discourage me from something, nagging would probably be the best way. I am incredibly resistant to people trying to impose what they think is right on me.
Even now, as a self-supporting adult, I find that I have to find my own way, and I have to be ready for the changes that I make. That’s just my personality. I was also quite unhealthy in college and post college- poor eating habits, no exercise, etc. My mom nagging me about it did not make me change. About a year ago I realized that getting healthier is something I needed to do, for myself, and that’s what drove me to stick to it for over a year now. I am a big fan of - say something once (if you believe the person doesn’t already know), and that’s it. Again. it’s a personality thing. I know for me nagging just encourages really strong resistance.
Mom of restaurant worker here-let it go. The dinner shift is the busiest at most restaurants unless they are downtown lunch crowd places, and the pace can be brutal. There is no standing around-others are right, you can actually log MILES by running back and forth all night, and if you’re a server, you’re doing some weight lifting too. D is grown and lives on her own, but often sleeps in most of the day after a super-busy night. She likes being active, so she kayaks, hikes, etc. on some days off, but she doesn’t do anything regimented.
You’re used to a super-busy, super-athletic kid, but I’ll bet she didn’t work 7 hours a night regularly while in school. As long as she’s spending time with the family, just let her chill. Believe me, she’s “working out”. And the more you nag her about doing “real” workouts, the more she’s going to resist.
Ah, yes I did read it wrong - thanks for the correction - “soon to be gone senior”.
OP, maybe after all the school sports schedules, your D is relieved to not be tied down to a “exercise” schedule. Is she going away to college? Big campus or small? Either way, she will likely be doing LOTS of walking outside come fall! I agree you can try and involve her in some family activities or outside chores, otherwise it’s more your pet peeve so you have to work around that.
Most wait staff at restaurants walk several miles every day. She’s working what seems like a near full time job in an exhausting industry. I’m not sure what else you want.
Lead by example.
Take her shopping to Athleta or Title nine, some cute gear could be a motivator!
Has she always struggled with transitions?
Many people do.
The summer between high school and college is a big one. Some kids, mine included, took a gap year in part to make it easier.
I have to say that her hours kind of suck, energy wise
She must be charged up after her job, but what do you do at 11 at night?
My H worked swing shift when the kids were growing up, and while he liked it because it wasn’t very crowded, he left before they came home from school and returned after they were in bd, but he couldn’t go to sleep for several hours.
Im wondering if she would be interested in an exercise machine to use after work. Increasing aerobic exercise, may help her de stress and give her more energy during the day, even if it isn’t getting her outside…
Okay, I’m back (I hate when work interferes with my College Confidential time
You guys, this is great advice. I think I just need to cool out…if for no other reason, than the fact that 1) nagging hasn’t helped and 2) not-nagging hasn’t helped. So I am out of options. And many of you are right that the restaurant work is tough…she’s a hostess at a trendy urban bbq place and it is hopping! I do wish she’d get outside, though…
part of it may be that the other 3 of us (me, H, and 16-year-old son) really stay active…so she may be rebelling against that. I also purchased her a gym membership for the summer…she went once.
So even though I truly think she’d feel/look/be happier if she got a few minutes of sunshine/fresh air/exercise a day,I’m going to zip it for now. And she’s in the hands of the college in 8 weeks…
Thanks CC friends…you all are the voice of reason, ALWAYS.
I leave them but up to a point and I nag. But my kid was like that the summer before college. Drove my husband crazy. Of course I’m human and I do nag. No crying. That even more crazy.
So here is my summary, if my kids drive us parents crazy, we nag, so no crying about that.
I think I disagree with the pack here. She needs to get exercise. School has been out for awhile, right? I can see that a waitressing job could be a lot of exercise, walking, bringing plates to the table. However, unless she’s helping out the waitresses, I don’t think hostessing is much exercise. She is probably not walking quickly, to seat the customers. Exercise is important, and it’s essential they get in, or stay in the habit.
But nagging doesn’t work. You have to be creative. My kids would never go out and exercise on their own, however, my oldest found some things he really loves to do, and he goes out and does them often, just for enjoyment. That is the perfect way to exercise, and he is very fit. The youngest has constantly seen me and my husband exercise, and knows that he needs to do it. But he doesn’t really want to. So I told him that he needed to get some exercise at least every other day, and that it was important. He could go with us, or go on his own. Then I stopped mentioning it. He didn’t exercise. So I started asking if he wanted to go on a hike or go running with us. Answer–no, I’ll go on my own. Every now and then I’d ask how the exercise was going, and he’d just start doing it without telling us. We’d often try to do family exercise, as he’d do anything with the dogs. I hope this lasts at school. He knows he has to exercise, but will he do it? I still send “reminder” texts, trying not to sound nagging. In fact I’m going to send one tonight, “I hope you’ve been flossing and exercising!”
Agree with others, that they can need downtime. Even if it just seems they’re on the cell, can be a time to collect some thoughts, maybe gain some perspective. If she’s getting to work on time, doing a decent job there and managing finances, you may be ok. She’s growing.
Thing is, DAP, you’ve told of the no crying rule before and now people are responding. Fine that it works for “you”- and that your D “told you” it was good for her. But demanding a kid be stoic has its long term risks.
“OK, folks, what would you do if the man-child in question is on the sofa, 23 and a recent graduate?”
I would kindly inform him of one of the rules of the house. We have very little house rules, so this would be an easy one to remember. You gotta exercise every other day. Choose the exercise, or we’ll choose it for you. We’d be happy to do it with you. Exercise is life.
Dang it, now I feel so guilty, I should go back down to the gym. But I just don’t feel like it!
You might want to read the threads about recent high school grads pretty much pooping the nest before leaving for college, to feel better about her behavior.
She has a job, a tough job, and she just finished, Im guessing, a tough senior year.
When my kids moved forward in some ways, they always held steady or even regressed in others. ( Their summer job after high school was as residential camp counselors on a nearby island. It lowered the tension in the house and they got fresh air)
It can be true even when they are baby adults.
It sounds like you’ve gotten some reassurance.
That’s what we’re here for!
The 23 yo isn’t exercising, either, but having a house rule in this regard would be hypocritical since DH has not exercised in the 30-odd years I’ve known him.He did participate in a sport at college, which even he says was good for his mental health, but has not sought it out here.
Said man-child has not begun to look for jobs yet, though is doing a little networking. Still has two courses to finish to complete his second major (he finished one and walked in May). Feels like he doesn’t have the motivation or skills to keep a job (ADD-inattentive, severe exec function skills, depression/anxiety related to same also are in play). Am having a hard time sorting out what role I should play (wake him up in the am? help him structure things? let him feel the stress?) and how to not get sucked into the middle of his difficult relationship with DH. He does chores when asked, though generally does 75% of it and gets distracted.
My D hasn’t worked in a restaurant yet where the hostess doesn’t 1) have to rush back to the front to greet the next wave of customers after seating one group 2)isn’t asked to help bus tables or serve in busy periods 3) fill in any other place where needed. At one very large national chain, hosts/hostesses also clean the restrooms and deliver carry-outs to the waiting cars. I’d be shocked if OP’s D is just standing there,
As for a college grade at 23 living at home-they’re expected to help out when asked, to pay rent, even if minimal, or to be actively looking for work. If said kid had issues like CountingDown’s kiddo, I would work with them to get help for them so that they could become independent. I would absolutely NOT control what a grown adult does with their time, including exercise or what to eat rules.
The no crying thing is just bizarre. I’m picturing some little kid in pain from getting hurt and desperate for consolation and crying and being punished for it. Or, someone like my ex who grew up being taught that emotion of any kind was bad. That made anyone who showed emotion dysfunctional in his eyes. Fun times. He’s not so good with relationships, still.
A physical job isnt the same as exercise.
Its not generally aerobic, except for brief periods, and you may feel exhausted afterwards, instead of invigorated.
Her type of exercise may work best if it complements her work.
If she is standing or runnng back and forth all night, she probably wouldnt be too interested in taking up jogging, but swimming or yoga could be more appealing.
She might also be missing the team aspect of her previous sports involvement.
Where you might want to press her, is what her plans are for her college.
Is she interested in playing a sport, even at recreation level?
Younger D played on teams all through high school, but in college found that runnng fit her schedule and personality more, although she did still organize and participate in team play, like flag football.
Its a great habit to have in college, it burns off tension, and you can meet new people.
Older Ds school had a physical education requirement, so she tried different classes, from salsa and tango dancing to self defense, and weightlifting.
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OK, folks, what would you do if the man-child in question is on the sofa, 23 and a recent graduate?
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What is the situation? Is he looking for a job? If so, how much time does he REALLY spend each day REALLY doing that?
If he’s living in your home for free, then he should be given a list of chores to do as his “upkeep”. Does he cook? do laundry? clean bathrooms? do lawncare?
