Put a Fitbit on that girl of yours OP and let’s see how many steps she gets in an average evening!!! 
(kind of joking, kind of not…)
No rules for your kids are any hypocritical. It is YOUR house, it is YOUR RULES. However, again, this is in MY house, not everybody would follow it. Certainly, the rule of going to bed by 10pm was never observed by me personally. Why I, a person who needs only 4 - 5 hours of sleep would observe the same rule as my D. who needed 10 hours of sleep? it made no sense whatsoever.
@MiamiDAP You’re getting criticism because your rule seemed very black and white, with no room for reality. If you child’s sibling died, would the “no crying” rule be in place? If your H died, would the “no crying” rule be in place? If the favorite pet died, would there be a “no crying” be in place?
It’s one thing to say, “If you ask for more clothes, when I’ve already bought you plenty, then do not cry for more. No crying!”, then that is a different situation. But if Grandma dies, or a beloved niece or nephew were to die, then your DD should have been allowed to cry her heart out.
@abasket- my sister and most of her waitress friends wear fitbits. They average several miles every day while just at work. During a busy night, she can easily get about 11 miles in.
^^^ Romani, I fully believe this! My just graduated senior, to be freshman is a server this summer at a locally owned restaurant - she does spent time behind the counter taking orders, phone orders, etc. but she is also running smoothie/coffee machines, bringing out food, helping clear tables when needed - etc. This girl is not an athletic shoe wearer but even she has thrown in the chips and is wearing her Nikes to work - the best way for her feet/legs to survive the nights!
My thought was that perhaps the OP would see the “good exercise” her D is actually getting at work. It may not be “fresh air” but she is moving around and burning calories!
CountingDown, that is a tough situation but I think I would try to handle it like I would with a person w/o ADD, etc. As long as he is working on completing the courses for his second major in a timely fashion and there is a definitive end, I would probably back off. If it seems that it’s not getting done, I would give him a firm date he has to be out of the house and living on his own with a job, any job or even two. He can look for a “real” job while working at another job. If he wasn’t earning enough to make it on his own, I would supplement.
My friend was in a similar situation a few years ago and she couldn’t bring herself to give him an ultimatum. It got so bad that she actually said to us,“I hate my son.” This was a bright kid, too - graduated from UMich. He had a few part time jobs but was still living at home and not taking any responsibility for his situation. When he wasn’t working he was either sleeping or smoking pot. He even blamed her for letting him major in what he picked. They had the means to supplement him and finally after about 3 years they did and he got an apartment. Once he was out of the house he did start looking for a real job and finally got something in NYC. I’m sure it wasn’t the greatest job and that they had to help him with expenses.
We tried to tell her she needed to kick him out but she felt very guilty that he was stuck back in Albany and couldn’t bring herself to do it. It caused a lot of tension in the house, too - which wasn’t good for anyone.
" You’re getting criticism because your rule seemed very black and white, with no room for reality."
-No crying rule had 2 exceptions that were stated very clearly. Crying was allowed in case of death in a family and in case of severe pain. So, I basically told them (including grandkids), that if you cry and there is no death in a family, then I am taking you to Emergency, because the assumption is that you are in severe pain. So, you are correct. Thanks for reminding me about these 2 exceptions. Rules for kids in my house (again, I do not force them on anybody else, your house, your rules), better be black and while to make sure that they are simple and easy to follow.
Anyway, everybody is grown up, it is in a past for me and I was told several times that these rules worked very well, I cannot change them, I cannot go back in time. However, if I could go back in time, I would not change them anyway. They worked perfectly, again, IN MY HOUSE, I am not forcing them on anybody else.
they produced a disciplined kid who operated on priority basis and who tried to be in control on her emotions (which sometime did not happen, but she always called me when it did not, she wanted to talk to me even when I had no idea about situation)
Countingdown.
Is your son scheduled to take these two classes already. Will he be commuting to school to take them? Are they daytime or nightime courses? He has 1 degree already, correct?
Do you live near his college? Has he been to the college career center to learn how to write a resume? How to interview?
Lots of kids know how to go to school. They are comfortable doing this. No one teaches you how to get a job. It can be intimidating especially when it seems like EVERYONE ELSE already knows how to do these things.
abasket-have your D ask her work if they have any catalogs for restaurant clothing and shoes. She might need more support than running shoes-my D tried that at first and ended up ordering shoes from work. They offer more support and are non-skid. a must if there’s any chance of spills on the floor. She has had some luck with Payless shoes and Walmart-both sell comfortable work shoes-they’re designated as such and easy to find. But for a more long-term work, she’s found industry brands last longer. A middle-range for comfort might be Sketchers, but I’m not sure they make a non-skid model.
@MiamiDAP, I hope you go see the new Pixar movie, “Inside Out.” It does an excellent job that showing sadness (crying) can be a good thing.
Oh @abasket I got what you meant :). I was just floored when she showed me her daily steps/distance. I knew wait staff ran but I didn’t know that it would be THAT much!
I see an important distinction here between house rules that are designed to make sure the house runs smoothly, and things that are for the individual’s “own good.” Once the people in your house are adults, I think the first kind of rule is fine (as long as they are the same that would be applied to other adults staying in the house), while the second kind becomes less fine. Parents will always nag, goad, suggest, etc., to get their kids to do things that benefit them, but once they are adults, I think it’s no longer time to impose rules that they do them.
Try checking out nursing shoes on line. Find a local store that carries them. Made for people on their feet constantly.
“A physical job isn’t the same as exercise.
Its not generally aerobic, except for brief periods, and you may feel exhausted afterwards, instead of invigorated.”
Agree. I spent several years working at restaurants, and at no time would I ever have classified my work as exercise. You can definitely feel drained, and exhausted, but not like you’ve had a workout. Then again, I have never classified walking as exercise, particularly when I was young and had much more energy, so I guess it’s a matter of perspective. I would be curious if the OP’s daughter thinks that what she is doing is exercise, or if she is just exhausted from being on her feet. I worked at high volume restaurants, and I felt that hostessing, while tiring, was very little exercise. You had to walk rather slowly when walking customers to tables. Some standing around. Waitressing was certainly more exhausting, rushing around, carrying things. Bussing was definitely the most challenging, physically. A job that allowed zero standing around and pausing, rushing, carrying around massively heavy bus tubs. I had the flattest stomach ever, when I bussed, because of those bus tubs. However, I would still run, because while it was exhausting, I would not consider it exercising. In my opinion, I felt I had to at least be jogging to get exercise, unless I was climbing stairs.
Odd, my PCP suggests one of the best things a person can do to just get moving is walking. She calls it exercise. I will have to tell her she is wrong.
“I see an important distinction here between house rules that are designed to make sure the house runs smoothly, and things that are for the individual’s “own good.” Once the people in your house are adults, I think the first kind of rule is fine (as long as they are the same that would be applied to other adults staying in the house), while the second kind becomes less fine. Parents will always nag, goad, suggest, etc., to get their kids to do things that benefit them, but once they are adults, I think it’s no longer time to impose rules that they do them.”
Yes. I can see rules such as no food in bedrooms, no dogs on the couch, put your dishes in the dishwasher, etc. But making her exercise? I would bite the head off anyone in my household who told me there was a “house rule” that I needed to exercise. If you want to invite her to do something physical like join you for a walk or play tennis or swim or take a bike ride, go for it, but a house rule that adults in the house “have to” exercise is ridiculous.
Walking is the first thing to start. It’s easy, requires no special equipment, and it gets you out the door. If you are overweight, or exercise very little, it may be a challenging exercise for you. For a very fit person, slow walking, then stopping, then slow walking again…not much exercise, though potentially tiring. I think we all know what we consider to be exercise for us personally. Sure, it’s always better to be moving than sitting, but if you never increase your heartbeat more than a few beats, how is that exercise?
- I still don't see how a 10pm bedtime and a no crying rule are relevant to **OP's** issue.
- I can say OP's daughter is *active*, working on her feet, whether or not it meets some definition of formal exercise. And see that maybe she comes home drained, whether it's aerobic or not.
I think walking can be the first step because it can help build some stamina.
It’s true that you want to get your heart-rate up, and sometimes just simply walking won’t do that, but I’ve seen some walkers that are walking at a good pace. I’m guessing that they are getting their heart-rate up.
When I walk our dogs, I’m going at a pretty good clip because they insist!
Considering that the first post mentioned “taking a walk” as something that would be acceptable as exercise, I certainly think beibg a restaurant hostess qualifies.
I think talking about plans for college is a worthwhile conversation. If she has enjoyed team
sports before it’s certainly worth considering for college, for social reasons as well as the exercise.