My daughter’s friend just won a state championship in race walking. Her time was a little over 8 minutes per mile, much faster than I can run!
It has always been a given in our family that everyone needs to exercise. We have never phrased it as a “house rule”, but it’s pretty clear that if you’re not going to go out on your own, you’re gonna get stuck doing it with Mom and Dad. And it could be rather strenuous if you have to go with us. Everyone has expectations for their family, whether it’s to keep your room clean, laundry, chores, help out when needed. We have very few expectations, and our kids know they are lucky for that. But they know they can’t get away without exercising. If they told us they got plenty of exercise at their job, then that would be fine.
Ok, I’m going to say one more thing here that I feel very strongly about.
Pushing/Demanding someone to exercise will create (at least initially) negative feelings about exercise. From pushy gym teachers, to pushy family members, you will not be creating a life long desire/like of exercise by requiring it to be done.
What is most important here? Exercise? Fresh air??? These can be had in a myriad of ways. Reading a book outside on a chaise lounge will stimulate your senses as you hear outdoor noises around you. If it’s pleasing enough, you will probably do it again. Good, two conversation on a neighborhood walk will be both outside time and exercise time - even if you don’t break a sweat - if it’s pleasing enough, you will probably do it again. Get the trend here? People repeat activities because it gives them pleasure. Set the stage for a positive situation.
Race walking looks like incredibly good exercise. I’m sure it raises your heartbeat significantly. I totally agree that walking fast is good exercise, especially if you’re doing it uphill. But I still don’t think that slow walking with plenty of stops does much for you aerobically, unless you are overweight or don’t exercise at all.
If I try that at the mall today, can I count that as exercise?
I can’t get my dogs to go very fast, as all they want to do is eat grass. Unless there’s a squirrel, and then, nobody can keep up with them!
Here’s my suggestion about house rules: if your adult sibling came to stay with you for a few months, what house rules would that person be expected to observe? I think this can clarify whether something is really a house rule, or if it’s really a vestige of the exertion of parental authority.
It seems that the OPs biggest concern is that her D is being a couch potato. If she were spending some of her free time volunteering at an animal shelter or soup kitchen, I doubt mom would be concerned.
How many hours a week is she working?
I’m not even sure that “exercise” is the issue. If she’s working full time, then let her goof off a bit, but still expect her to do some chores…after all, full time working parents still have to do some chores!!!..even if there’s a weekly housekeeper.
. If she’s only working 20 hours a week, and spending 10 hours a day on the couch, then she should be expected to do some chores, and do something else useful with her time.
A certain amount of leisure time is needed for everyone, but I don’t think young people should have “too much” free time…I think it makes for too much of a stark and shocking contrast when they do have to work full time PLUS do some home chores.
"So, I basically told them (including grandkids), that if you cry and there is no death in a family, then I am taking you to Emergency, because the assumption is that you are in severe pain. "
Please tell us that this rule about no crying isn’t for younger kids…
I definitely think someone needs to go to the hospital in that situation… and it’s not the grandkids.
If you want her getting out and about and getting fresh air, I think it’s reasonable to ask her to do outside chores occasionally, or run errands if she has free time during the day. I certainly ask my kids to do things like that when they have free time. I mostly do it because stuff needs to get done, but sometimes my desire to get them up and about is a factor
I have always had more success manipulating, as opposed to nagging, with my husband too. They probably recognize what I’m doing, but it works. Give someone three suggestions, two of which are far worse, and of course they’ll pick the best option.
^^^That could really create resentment though, depending on the personalities of people involved…
I can tell when I am being manipulated, and I would easily choose a ‘worse’ option, because I am not going to let someone manipulate me into doing what they want. Period.
Oh, my. If I were in your family, I would have spent my entire pregnancies in the emergency room. When I was pregnant, I used to cry over everything. Even TV commercials. I knew it was silly, but I couldn’t control it.
Hmm, dunno. I freely cling to my role as captain of the house ship (after all, there is a lot to run a home) and have told my girls that even when they visit years from now, there will be certain core expectations, as this is still our “family home.” Same when they were in college. But of course they have downtime, spaced-out moments.
This is one reason why lots of people stay in motels when visiting their parents.
Many years ago, when my kids were little and my mother used to visit, it drove me crazy that I couldn’t ask her to follow the house rule that “everybody goes to the bathroom right before we go out.” But there are some things you can’t tell another adult to do. (And to her credit, she could hold it almost indefinitely, even though she drank coffee constantly.)
“I can tell when I am being manipulated, and I would easily choose a ‘worse’ option, because I am not going to let someone manipulate me into doing what they want. Period.”
Oh, I would love it if they would choose the worse option, that would be a dream come true! Because I really would prefer if they’d do a strenuous hike or run with us, as opposed to walk the dogs. If my kids had that perspective, I’d figure that one out and give them some really terrible options, that I’d prefer them to do. But they’d see right through that one. Better to let the fantasy continue that we are all getting what we want.
Perhaps if I was a really great parent, I’d let them lounge on the couch the entire time they came home, whether it was for weeks or months. I’d be bringing them trays of donuts, bottles of soft drinks and beer, never asking a single thing of them. Instead, I crack the whip. Exercise every now and then, eat the health food and vitamins I bring to you, talk to us occasionally, maybe even go to dinner or a movie with us. Feed the dog if we’re not there. Oh, the indignities they have to suffer!
If it works for you, it works for you, I know that I rejected everything I was nagged/manipulated to do as soon as I was on my own. Forcing me will not work. My almost 30 years on this earth have proven this pretty well.
And there is a world of difference between serving someone and telling them how to eat or exercise. I love healthy living, but only now that it’s something I found on my own.
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Perhaps if I was a really great parent, I’d let them lounge on the couch the entire time they came home, whether it was for weeks or months. I’d be bringing them trays of donuts, bottles of soft drinks and beer, never asking a single thing of them.
Instead, I crack the whip. Exercise every now and then, eat the health food and vitamins I bring to you, talk to us occasionally, maybe even go to dinner or a movie with us. Feed the dog if we’re not there. Oh, the indignities they have to suffer!
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lol…NO, the really great parent is the latter. The former is a short-sighted idiot.
Maybe your parents were too harsh about it, acollegestudent. We are, and have always been extremely soft touches to our kids, probably far too much. They know we are overly adoring, and complete suckers for them. They don’t even have to attempt to manipulate us to get what they want. We have lucked out that this method has worked well with them.
Marian, core expectations- cleaning up after yourself isn’t an outrageous demand. Nor would it be to ask, can you take out the trash, when you see it’s full. No different from “rules that are designed to make sure the house runs smoothly.” I don’t expect them to exercise, nor time them when they brush their teeth. But my joke is: this isn’t a B&B. (That can apply for hs kids, too.) For years, when DH and I visited my grandmother, we plugged into the routine tasks or anything else they needed help with. No need for a motel room, ha.
D1’s bf has been living here for 6 months. In his room, he’s on his own time- no idea what he does (I do know he reads and watches tv.) But he does help clean up after dinner, mows the lawn, helps with heavy lifting. We find- and this may not work for all- that participation keeps the bonds going. If I say I’m captain, it’s a reflection of being senior member of the team, not a military leader or dictator.
I’d be disappointed if one of my kids or their future spouses looked at me and said, I’m an adult, you can’t ask me to take out the trash. But there have been plenty of times when one comes in ragged and we flex. OP’s girl is in a growing period.
@busdriver11 I am not sure - I have no problem with ‘fair’ expectations, as in cleaning up after myself, etc. On the other hand, I feel very strongly that I should be in control of things that affect only me, as in my diet, exercise, sleep, etc. I am not quite sure where it comes from. I value independence and self-sufficiency greatly - it’s very much a personality thing that maybe was even inborn - it’s stayed with me from an early age into my late 20’s. I don’t like anyone - parents, significant others, family, anyone, prodding me on how to live my life - I just have to find my own path - I feel I have a right to my own mistakes.